Friday, April 30, 2010

Maybe I'm learnng?

to keep my expectations low, or not try to conjure up some thing that isn't. Maybe I'm finally learning to just take it as it comes, enjoy the ride and be thankful for the blessings.

I made some new friends yesterday, I think. We share the same faith, living faith, asking questions, real seekers in life...It feels like an answer to prayer, it feels like a God thing. But I'm just taking it as it comes. Keeping my hand open.

I need to run, I'm too tired this morning for a complete thought.

I really don't like my kids at night, esepcially when I'm woken up after 30 min of sleep...After a few hours of sleep I'm good with restlessness (or better)... Not so much when I'm woken up right after falling into good sleep.

I'm feeling REALLY REALLY drained after the last 2 days. REALLY.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Pondering the Sexual Side Effects of Spanking..

Shocking to think about. But it's some thing that I've come across quite a bit lately.

Ryan and I enjoy watching TV together- our favorite thing to do after the girls are in bed is cuddle up and watch some thing that will make us laugh. A few years ago a favorite show was Til Death with Brad Garrett (who plays Robbie in the show Everybody Loves Raymond).

Well in this show (which has gotten really dumb I must admit and we dont' really watch it- it's tooootally jumped the shark-literally) Eddie (BG's charecture) has a friend who ...Well let's just say spanking and weird punishments turn him on. He's a sad twisted person dating another really sad twisted person. I find the story line down right disturbing. But it was interesting to see because it tied some thigns together for me...

First read this: The Spencer Spanking Plan (I posted from that blog)

It is a product of today--an act of discipline given under carefully defined and controlled conditions. Brutality is entirely foreign to the idea. Revenge, oppression, force and violence are all frowned upon and do not enter into the Plan in any way.

The idea of a modern spanking is to administer punishment when it is needed--then make up and forget the whole incident.

Establish causes that will produce the discipline.

Agree upon the matter thoroughly. Don't leave the thing to the whim of the moment.

A modern spanking is not a dreadful thing to endure. It hurts a little, of course. It has to hurt to be effective. But there is no danger to it. The temporary hurt is beneficial--it gives them just the lesson they need--and when it is over, THE TROUBLE IS OVER.

2.--Care must be taken not to bruise the flesh, raise welts or injure the body in any way. The punishment should continue long enough, however, to be truly effective and to impart a beneficial lesson.

3.--A spanking must never be administered in anger. Wait until both parties are calm and it can be carried out properly.

9.---The punishment should be inflicted upon the bare skin. In no other way can a careful check be kept on the progress of the spanking or whipping. Remember, the idea of modern corporal punishment is to sting the flesh effectively, without cutting or harming it in any way. To do the job intelligently, therefore, a constant scrutiny of the skin MUST be maintained. A spanking or whipping administered over clothing--even a thin, single garment is "blind punishment." It may be altogether too severe, or not severe enough.

A question many people ask, when first taking up modern discipline, is: "How long should a spanking last? About how many slaps should be given?"

There can be no definite answer to such a question. I do not recommend any certain stated number of slaps. The idea is always to continue the spanking until you believe it has been effective-without at any time resorting to unnecessary harshness or uncalled for severity.

It has been found that comparatively mild slapping, applied to the buttocks, can be made to sting effectively, without doing one particle of damage or leaving any evidence of unpleasant, harsh treatment. The object is to sting the flesh--make the whole spanking surface hot and tender--so that the repeated application of the descending hand is severe enough to make the recipient realize she is really being disciplined.

When a spanking is to be given, the wife is directed to go to her room and get ready. This means she is to undress and wait up in her room until her husband comes up to discipline her.

When her husband enters the room there should be no delay in carrying out the discipline. She must not argue about the matter--beg to be let off--or show any sign of resentment. She must obey without a word.

It is best not to say a single word during this period.

The wife should quietly place herself across her husband's lap--after he seats himself on the edge of the bed. Holding her in place, in the age-old spanking position, he begins spanking her. His duty is to do a thorough job-- taking the utmost pains to do it right.

The spanking over--and still without speaking--the husband should let his wife up, then quietly leave the room.

It's the wife's duty--after dressing and drying her tears (if the spanking has provoked any) to go to her husband then, thank him for administering the discipline--and kiss him.

If this seems hard to do, you have lost the true spirit of the Plan and you must MAKE YOURSELF DO IT in order to win it back!

Friendly relations should then be immediately re-established.

Read the blog posters conclusion HERE

It was shocking for me to read that, as a parent who has read a few of Dobson's books they are almost word for work what he recommends when spanking.

Onto the Sexual Effects of Spanking- I found this blog post interesting. It's a sad and twisted situation...I don't have time to go into this more indepth- i'm exhasuted and going to lay down a bit before entering the fay that will be this afternoon.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Birthday Planning

So I'm starting to plan Amity's 1st Birthday. I am SO excited about a summer Birthday party!!!!

And since Amity has a big sister who has friends we'll be doing some fun things this year.

The theme?

Chalk and Bubbles birthday party.

Have you ever heard of chalkboard spray paint? Well I'm going to take some old boxes break htem down and lay them out flat and spray paint them with the chalkboard paint, we'll lay them out on the back deck and the kids can decorate and draw with chalk. Also every one will get a litlte "chalk board (made with cardboard sprayed with chalkboard paint, and foam frames from the $1 store). Also a little box of chalk from the $1 store (or walmart them for $1 as well some times) and a bottle of bubbles as favors.

Also Amity is getting a bubble blower (like this but with Pooh bear of the fisher price puppy one) for her birthday and we're going to turn on some music and do the bubble dance and play games with the bubbles.

The invitations will be black construction paper and gel pen in bright chalky colors. We'r eonly sending out like 4 or 5 invitations (as we only have a few little friends who would actually want invitations). Everyone else is getting a facebook invite. :0D

I think we'll do a cook out with hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill, or maybe we'll do what we did for RJ's birthday: meatball sandwiches an bbq...Also add a macaroni and potoato salad since it's a summer party. :0)

I think that will be it. I think we'll be able to pull it off pretty inexpensively and still have a lot of fun- indoors or out! Oh and we'll have the sprinkler going if it's a good warm sunny day and the litlte mat pool water play mat thing I got Amity for Christmas for the smaller babies.

I'm excited. I feel like Amity's 1st Birthday is a really big milestone for me. I hate that RIley's birthday is a kind of hard day for me still- lots of blurry hard memories...I want her Birthday to be fun for her...But this first birthday for Amity- I want to celebrate for ME.

If that makes sense, which I doubt.

I gotta run...eating up my quiet kid-free time. The girls are acutally napping at the same time!


I wish I knew what was wrong. My stomach has been queasy and achey for the past week. Not sure what's up but its' so annnoying.

I don't think I'm pregnant. I mean if I'm preggo it's an absolute miracle. But whenever I get queasy like this it makes me nervous. I'm not exhausted like I'm preggo, so I'm probably fine...I just hate when my tummy is all weird. Sticking to easy-on-my-tummy foods for the next day or two and see if it improves...I think it's allergies.

So some things came up, my Mom sent me an email message about the kitchen last week... How messy it always is. So this past weekend Ryan and I washed every thing as we used and guess what? There was still a big mess in the kitchen!!!!

I feel vindicated, it wasn't just my being a terrible lazy slob, I was in fact cleaning up a LOT of my brothers messes- and being blamed for them.

That's a nice feeling. Going to continue just washing up every thing we use as soon as we use it- will certainly take the strain off.

Now off to do some 5 minute challenges. I set the timer for 5 minutes and see what I can do in that time. It's an awesome way to get cleaning done.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Friday, April 16, 2010


You know, life isn't about things. But I've just got to share how blown away by God's provision the past 2 weeks. He's just been surprising me with little (and big!) extra's. I truely don't deserve it!

Last week at the $1 sale at the local consignment shop I found all of dd's fall/winter/spring stuff for the year for $35 and much of it will fit them both the fall/winter after that (especially dd2=hand-me-downs). It's all really nice quality clothing, some name-brand, some brand new!!!!

Then a good friend gave me a beautiful pack 'n play for dd2 to nap in (I won't say how many times she's fallen off or almost fallen off our bed the last few weeks- dd1 never just RACED towards the edge heedlessly, I'm starting to realize that's not so normal).

Then yesterday I was driving home and some one had this beautiful white glider/rocker with ottoman sitting out for the trash. I've been wanting a glider for years but we could never afford them (even the Salvation Army ones were more than I wanted to spend) it needs a new cover on the cushions- thankfully I can sew and have some extra fabric I can use! It is SO comfortable.

If that wasn't enough, DH surprised me on Monday with a new double jogger stroller!!!!!! I'm training to run a 5k in July and we really needed a new stroller (double) as dd2 is getting to heavy to wear (and runnign with baby on back is a big no-no) now I can train and this stroller is just such an incredible blessing!

THEN, today I won a $20 gift certificate to another local consignment sale. I was kinda wondering how we'd afford clothing for the girls this summer, dd1 had 3 things that fit her from last year, and dd2 had even less.

Between that gift certificate the $35 I spent at the $1 winter clothes consignmet sale and the $20 I spent tonight I got a whole years wardrobe for 2 girls for $54(I bought a toy for dd2 at the $1 sale). All dd1 needs yet is a winters jacket but I'm not too worried about it: family likes to shop for coats specifically the MIL- she's bought all of Ri's coats.

I just can't get over this out pouring the last 2 weeks. Like God's like, "see I really am taking care of you, I see you."
Money has been so tight, we've been trying to be SO good- and He's honored that and provided. I LOVE consignment sales- I got some really really cute outfits for RJ and AJ for the summer.

I've been having a rough time in other areas, but this has just been amazing. so THANK YOU LORD! You really do see and provide.

Edit to add: I didn't even mention the VAN!!! That is an absolute blessing, it is so nice to load the kids into it- so easy!!

Okay some one is pulling at my leg crying..."mmmmma!!!' gotta go.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Stroller Shopping...The Journey

When Riley was born we recieved as a baby shower gift a snap and go stroller where you snap the infant car seat to the frame and you're ready to go. We have used this more than I ever dreamed- On top of walks in general, and the fact that it folds up so small it was a life (back?) saver. Especially the week I was hospitalized when Riley was 10 weeks old. Ryan and my Mom pushed poor little newborn Riley up and down countless halls of that hospital helping her fall asleep (both our babies have loved the carseat!).
And for Amity: it was the only way to get her to sleep at night there for a few months. It was light and compact enough to push through the house over and over again all winter long. She's get so overstimulated she couldn't fall asleep while being held...So we pushed her- or should I say Ryan did, amazing man!

Well we had that, and I remember saying that I really didn't want a bunch of strollers (HAHA!). I wanted the basic one for her first year and then I wanted to get a jogger (I even went to search facebook for the picture I commented on back in early 2008 where I discussed this with a friend- she deleted that album. ergh but I'm not making this up!).
But we didn't have money so I settled for (and was pleased with!) a Graco Quattro Deluxe for $15 yard sale stroller. It was in decent shape and it has serves us VERY well. But it was bulky and heavy and wouldn't work for trips in airports etc.

So we bought a little $20 umbrella stroller- it's been AWESOME. It has a pouch in the back and a little sun shade- it's a life saver, I will continue to use it for years to come-it is an awesome toddler restraining system - and I'll ways need one of those (or at least I will for a few years! Also great for tight spaces. We've loved it.

Then we had Amity and some one gave us a Graco Duo Glider (almost exactly this but MUCH more faded!)- it's old, it's blue, it's bulky, and drives like a nightmare. Needless to say I'm not a fan. I generally push Riley in the Graco single and wear Amity on my back- which works fine...Great resistance really pumps up my walks. But Amity is nearing 20lbs, I'm finding myself with more and more neck/shoulder pain (mainly neck pain but thats usually where I carry shoulder tightness) and I'm really wanting to take up running. I've tried running with the Graco double monstrosity- doesn't work.

So I've started shopping for a double jogger I've read at leat fifty reviews on all the different strollers- I've looked at many different options.
And I've decided the features I really want are:
  • swivelling wheel!!!!! (that also locks for faster paces)
  • Five point harness buckles in seats
  • 100lbs weight limit (so hold 2 small children not just babies/toddlers)
  • parent tray (for my drink and keys etc)
  • hand brake
  • safety tether
  • good sunshade
  • folds easily
  • light weight (less than 30lbs preferably)
  • good easy to use parking parking break
  • slim enough to fit through normal doors- easy to use for all things I'd need a stroller for (shopping o walking around malls/ bookstores as well as jogging)
  • lots of under seat storage space
  • reclining seats (individual reclining seats would be even better!)

And I think I've found for what I'm looking for!

The Schwinn Free Wheeler 2 Double (Swivel Wheel Jogging Stroller) (the blue/green model)

Product Features

  • Schwinn Free Wheeler 2 Double Jogging Stroller features an easy to lock swivel wheel and sturdy aluminum frame
  • Stroller features rear suspension, height adjustable handle, easy one-hand fold and quick release wheels, and a zero-degree turn radius
  • With 5-point harnesses, plush padded cockpit, protective sun canopy, large underseat basket, and storage pockets behind the seat
  • Stroller weighs 27 pounds with a max weight limit of 100 pounds, and measures 35.5 x 31.5 x 16 inches folded
  • 5-year limited warranty


  • Capacity: Two children
  • Maximum weight capacity: 100 pounds
  • Stroller weight: 27 pounds
  • Front wheel size: 12 inches
  • Stroller length: 37.5 inches
  • Folded dimensions: 35.5 x 31.5 x 16 inches
  • Adjustable handlebar height
  • Easy-to-use one-hand fold
  • Lightweight aluminum frame
  • Aluminum wheels
  • Zero-degree turn radius
  • Plush padded cockpit
  • Secure five-point harnesses
  • Padded removable seat inserts
  • Roomy underseat basket
  • Storage pockets behind the seat
  • Quick-release wheels
  • Rear wheel suspension
  • Locking front wheel
  • Protective sun canopy

All the reviews say it drives like a dream- the other Mom's I've talked to a few said they'd highly recommend the Schwinn brand (which has been around for a LONG time).

And it's free super saving shipping from amazon. Which if we're ordering over the Internet is the way to go.

The dilemma is: do I dare spend that much money? It's $254 that is a TON of money. There ARE a few options for double joggers on craigslist, but they don't have the swivelling wheel.

I am asking myself a few questions and thinking about a few things. The main thing is that I want to get rid of all our other strollers (except the snap and go and umbrella) THIS will be our stroller, for EVERY THING. Amity is soon going to be too big to wear all the time and it's going to be a few years before the girls are going to be able to walk when we do all day things (zoo, D.C. etc) reliably...And at that point we'll probably have 2 more and I guess I'll have to give up jogging with them and go jogging in the evening with the next two littles (fun thought?) But either way as long as we have young children from here on out, we will always need a double stroller.

In that sense I'm really really glad we waited, that we didn't invest in an expensive stroller before now. And I really think NOW would be a time to make an investment of this sort. I just did the math and right now I'm walking 75-100 miles a month probably 80% of those miles during the warm months are outdoors. I plan on continuing that as much as possible through next November that's at least 500+ miles between now then (not counting the rest of April). I LOVE walking, it feels so good to be out of the house, the girls are so peaceful and it is a sanity saver. As many miles as I'll be walking the next 10 years of having small children in the house (Lord willing, but sheesh be still my heart!) $254 is really not that much in light of THAT (and this particular stroller has a 5 year warrenty!). Ever since I got home from SF I've become a big walker, I walked every where in the city, I fell in love with it...I a plan on continue (as well as some running too!).

So do we go new or used? I really am willing to wait on this, but either way I think I'd rather spend the $$$ and get some thing that will work best for our family...Then some thing used that doesn't meet all of our needs and leaves me frustrated (and shuffling a ton of strollers in and out of the van to meet the specific need of that day).

Going to sit on this stroller option and se what the hubby thinks...Still looking and praying.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Spinning Plates

So I spent some time in prayer yesterday. And I've been trying to keep the conversation open. Let the Lord get his fingers in these thought processes and figure this out

So I've been thinking about an analogy my violin teacher used back when I took lessons. She said playing violin is like spinnign plates at the circus. You have to be thinking about 5 or 6 different things all at once- how you hold your bow, the way you move it, the position and angle of your fingers, then getting into the actual notes, the speed, the angle in which you draw your bow, the way you move it for every different note...You get the picture it's kinda tricky.

I am a plate spinner- or I've been trying to be. And I've had more plates than I think I've shared with any one. A lot of painful things, more plates in the air than any one could reasonably be expected to keep spinning- and some of the plates were very large and heavy and are a LOT of work.

That's all.. The relization is there, now just to work through...I'm not sure. In the past I have had a tendancy to stuff problems. The past year it's been all about looking them in the face, seeing them...But ...Well I'm still praying and trying to figure it out. And this is totally deja vu. When I was preggo with RJ- or was it Ami? I had a dream about this moment...Now if Rj freaks out about wearing jeans over tights this afternoon it will truely come true....

I can't do it.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


I've been really overwhelmed the past several weeks. To the point where I'm a bit concerned about myself. I feel out of control. I feel angry. I feel so hurt. I feel a great lack of support and understanding. Mainly from my Mom- some of this stems from the first few weeks after Amity was born and I just felt so abandoned. I feel so disappointed. There was a time where I was used to her disappointing me. She's only human, but I felt like the Amity thing was the last straw. Like it was unnecessary.

And now the house has me completely stressed out. I'm feeling a bit better about that today, I got some cleaning done yesterday. I've just spent the last 6 months feeling like a failure because I can't keep up with every thing. I am so tired -especially since Amity's sleep "regression" a few months ago- that its' all I can do to feed and take care of the girls. I try to do something for myself every day, be it a walk or a work out because the endorphins keep me sane. And read my bible when they are distracted- doesn't happen as much as I'd like. And I have been keeping up with cooking meals pretty well considering all that- but still lagging and the complaints and disappointment from the hubs is hard. And some weeks I have a better week. Some days are good and others are really bad. It's been a long stage of more bad than good lately.

Please don't over react to this post, I'm just being honest and trying to vent. I think also some thing clicked the other day and I don't know. I'm just .

Feeling sad. Not in a "crying all the time" kind of thing but. I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm coming to the surface from the intense Mommy sea I've been swimming in the past few years. I'm seeing all the changes. Changes in me, my body, my friendships: my "sphere" if you will. And feeling a sense of loss. Don't get me wrong, there have been so many other GOOD changes, so many people I have met in Mommyhood who have enriched my life, helped me. But old friendships have withered and some of them make me so sad. I just don't have the time and energy- and I know doors closed. But I'm grieving those friendships.

I'm feeling frustrated with where I'm at in life. Last night when Amity wasn't sleeping and I was so tired I wanted to scream and throw her out the window I actually went as far as to dream up my escape plan. What I would do, where I would go. I realized while I was nursing her to sleep (finally!) that I wouldn't, honestly seriously could NEVER do that. But I'm so burnt out it's tempting some times, and kind of a stress relief to dream of the plan.

Dream of the place where I get to do what *I* want for hours and days on end. Not be needed intensely all the time by 3 intense people. Have expectations that I can never live up to- my own mostly but some of it is just the stress of the big house and not enough help. Not have unending, relentless, boring dull repetitive, jobs that are thankless and never finished. The minute I get some thing cleaned Sam comes through and cooks a meal. Or my Mom will go on a cleaning spree and 'organize" but leave more things for me to take care of, things I wasn't planning on dealing with at the moment and don't have the energy to even think about. FRUSTRATING.

There will be rewards down the road, eventually my children will grow up. I will some how insanely miss this. I'm just exhausted right now. BURNT OUT.

And yet my husband helps so much, he feeds RJ for the most part when he's home, he takes the kids when I ask, he cooks meals on occasion, he HELPS. What MORE can he really do?

I'm just so tired.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


Taking a few minutes to reflect.

Today was better. I got a really good nap and I got the kitchen caught up and all the winter clothes switched out for the spring stuff and all the stuff that will fit the girls next fall all figured out and in a storage tub ready to be easily pulled out come September. I also went through my dresser and pulled out all my maternity stuff, old bras that were pre-breastfeeding nad don't fit, maternity underwear, winter socks, winter heavy clothing...All packed up for next winter or next baby. THAT was a huge job and I'm so thankful it's taken care of.

Riley was so sweet at in the yard today. We had a REALLY rough night with both girls last night. I can't count how many times Ami woke up to fuss and nurse or fuss and not nurse...And Riley woke up a lot between bedtime and 1am and then at 1 she was up for over an hour. Ryan was so out of it I was doing a lot of the night time stuff with Ri. She has suddenly realized she can use the potty at night as well as during the day. While this is good (she is dry reliably 24/7) its frustrating. Last night the room was SUPER hot and we could all barely breath it was so stuffy. Ryan turned the A/C fan on around 1am but it was still so warm outside that it wasnt' doing much (but to turn on the actual AC in the beginnign of April seemed a bit rediculous!). Riley kept waking and saying she needed to go potty...And then she'd doze back off. Once I was finished nursing AJ I got up with Ri and took her to the potty- poor thing was SO hot in her fleece sleeper. I got her an oversized T-Shirt (youth small it comes to her knees!) nad some fleece pants and got her cooled off and tucked in bed...She slept better after that...But Ryan and I were both so hot and awake that we came downstairs and had snacks and watched TV for a while to get sleepy again.

Fast forward to this morning...RIley's out in the yard in her PJ's big oversized T-shirt and fleece pants wearing her crocs from last summer. SO cute! She had that outfit covered in dirt by 4pm I had to change her just so she could be in the house with out getting every thing else dirty.

I'm rambling. All that to say I'm feeling a little better about life after having gotten a serious nap (especially after that horrific night!) and all that I accomplished around the house. And I also started training for my 5k. I ran two 12 minute miles...Not great but for my first time out (and I realized today it was my first time out for a walk/run with out the kids EVER in 27 mos!!!!!!) I think I did pretty good...I really could have run more (I ran one block walked the next and then repeated for 2 miles) but I didn't want to over do it and hurt tomorrow.

Well Ryan's done getting ready for bed..I'm going to hang out iwth him until we both crash.

Friday, April 2, 2010

This is a vent

Happy Good Friday.

Yesterday was a bit chotic. I woke up and came down to a very messy house. And an annoucment: my mom's bestfriend was coming over. So not only did I need to get the kids ready to go, pack a picnic lunch, do 2 loads of laundry (so we'd have some thing to WEAR that day- I'm so bedhing), run and mail stuff at the post office. I'd also have to clean up the living room, dinning room and make the kitchen look some what presentable before I left at 10:30.

I some how did it all. Only to come home at 4:30 pm with two babies who missed nap, to a house torn apart because my Mom's friend had to leave early and Mom got into project mode- and went shopping... And to a husband who walks in the door and his first words are "I'm exhausted."

I will not say the word I want to scream in his face when he says that when he gets home. EXHAUSTED??!??!?! BUddy you don't know what that MEANS.

Then today, after a rough nights sleep I get up at 6:20 with my bright eyed baby and come down to chaos in the kitchen (in fairness hubby DID make breakfast), chaos in teh living room chaos EVERY WHERE I turn. ALl my work torn to bits and a baby clinging and crying and lots of laundry and things to do on top of all that. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS BIENG BEHIND ON HOUSE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby has to work outside, he HAS to- I did get a nap with baby- but he was outside working and RJ was toiddling behind. I wake up and he is doing his thing. I appreciate the fact that he's doing the garden up. But what pisses me off is that this is fun to him. I HATE my life right now. HATE IT at this moment. I am so sick of whiney screaming children, needs, needs needs 24 freakin 7. Tired of being woken up every moring at 4 am to a cranky baby who is awake with mouth pain and won't go back to sleep, won't nurse, just FUSSES and makes noise.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being groped and oggled and needs from my husband. I love him but I'm DONE with every thing right now. I didn't get a moment to myself and today was really no different than any other week day except I did have a bit less Riley time- but more hands on AJ time because she was super cranky.

I'm really good at pretending I'm okay about some thing. Or I can be in a moment and be cool. But I get to the end of the day and every thing has piled up on me all day and the reality is that I'm going to go to bed and be woken up every 30-45 min for a couple hours at a time. I HATE teething. ANd I'll wake up to a dirty house, dirty kitchen, the guilt that this isn't my house and dirty kitchen and I'm supposed to be keeping up with it because it's our mess and my Mom's not our maid...I'm just so sick of life right now. I just freaked out on Ryan. We were going to take a shower together, but we got up there nad I saw the messy toys, the tub full of water, the clothes and dirty diapers that didn't get picked up and I lost it. I didn't want to be in a shower with any one, I wanted to be alone. I wanted some time to BREATH, I didn't want to be touched, or to cuddle I want some breathing time, to not have to do any of this any more. I'm so sick of messes that I didn't make, over and over and over and over day in and day out... Especially dishes- I ahte washing other peoples dishes- by hand because the dishwasher is broken- has been for over a year. I'm sick of it.

To the point where I'm just done.

end of vent.

ps. I'm really not dangerous I just feel a little crazy right now. I'm tired and it was a really long battle getting AJ down for the night- she fought and screamed and pinched nad wouldn't nurse nad my husband was outside obsessed with the damn garden. I wanted a break. And the kitchen just ticks me off more than any thing.

Oh and we're having like 20 people over on Easter Sunday- so the hosue has to be cleaned tomorrow. I hate living with family. HATE it.