Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Diving in!

Last night DH and I met with our pastor, his wife, and the other member on the "Children's Ministry" board. We were up VERY late (yawwwn) talking it all out. It was confirmed over and over in our conversations last night that God was really over this. We kept sharing what was on our heart, and they kept going "Oh we were praying about that in our August Children's Ministry Prayer meeting!" (they met and spent a whole afternoon in prayer about the future of the children's ministry).

We'll be working with another couple taking over the "pre-readers" class. It's going to be different from any Sunday school class I've ever seen. It will be ACTIVE. Our focus will mainly teaching the basics: relationship with God. How to pray and praise and worship in ways that are truly unique to little children- actively! Dancing and maybe little flags. I'm really excited to see how this branches out into the families. That's where my heart is, improving how parents and their children interact, relate, and enjoy each other.

NAKing- too hard to type ..more later!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Introducing CraftieJoy!

I started another blog!

I want to post the projects the girls and I have been doing. I want to focus on simple crafts for 1-3 year olds. Yes you heard me: ONE to THREE year olds. I'm getting some really fun ideas of how to simplify craft projects for Friendly (who is adamant that she must do every thing Roo does!) It really surprises me how much she can manage. But maybe she is an odd ball? She has an older sister and she has a strong and healthy competitive streak. Still surprising.

Here's to a new journey- go over and check it out! I don't really have any thing on there yet, but I will soon!!! I'm going to try to think outside of the box...

I also hope to post some of my sewing and knitting endeavors. I'm making the girls a dress up box for Christmas this year, I'm so excited to get started.

Monday, October 25, 2010


I'm really thankful for blogging. I am INFJ (scroll down about half way, and read the thing written by M.M. Heiss . After reading that DH said, "it's like some one cracked your brain open and wrote it out for every one to see!"EERIE!). I'm actually a pretty private person. I like to think no one really reads this. And yet another part of me hopes people are, because it makes me feel "heard".

That said, I think we've come to the conclusion that while the extra money would be helpful in us feeling like we're getting closer to our goals. The stress on our family at this point, wouldn't be worth the extra money. I some times feel so guilty because we aren't more "practical". We don't do things like other people, we're kinda odd balls. Some of that is God's hand of grace making things kinda odd for us (in a good way?). Anyway as I was praying about every thing more last night I heard that small voice saying ,"I haven't called you to be practical, I've called you to follow me, no matter how that looks." And I really have a peace about that.

But I still am looking at those questions. Winter is coming, last winter was so hard. I really need to address some things that I can change.

I also want to start posting the crafts Roo and I have been doing together, love it! Today we made macaroni faces on paper plates, with googly eyes, pom poms and ...uncooked elbow pasta. We made pom pom caterpillars and we used washable makers and decorated a pumpkin, took a picture and then wiped it off and decorated it some more. So FUN! That will make winter easier: CRAFTS!

Well more later... It's getting late.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


So the questions I was asking in my last blog post... I'm still thinking through it all.

One of the biggest changes I think we need to make is STRUCTURE. I feel like we're already pretty structured. Our kids have a set bedtime, set nap time. We don't go out at night or switch things up on them unless it's for very special occasions. We try to keep things the same as much as possible. We have little rituals to every thing we do (as in meals and sleep times)... We try to keep things on an even keel.

But I think (sigh) we need to take it up a notch. If Ryan would take this job and work 6 days a week we'd need to have things pretty scheduled out. What evenings we'll be sure to take time to be together. What evenings we'll be spending separately to get some alone recharge time (or get stuff done), each getting a night "off" in a week and set idea of what needs to be accomplished each weekend (chores and a nap for both of us if necessary).

Also I think I need to shoot to be in bed by 9:30 every night of the week. Also up to run a few days a week by myself. I love to exercise and work out...I enjoy it so much. And nothing drives me crazier than having my girls fighting when I'm in the middle of a work out.. They'll be SO cute working out along with me, and then suddenly at each others throats. sigh.

More thoughts on what powers and what drains soon....

Priorities...Facing What I Can Change

So after my tantrum earlier, I ran around the house and cleaned it top to bottom. Ryan had taken the kids to the park and after venting my feelings I got to enjoy some uninterrupted cleaning. Really quite a special thing! The 1st floor is clean and vacuumed, the playroom is cleaned and tidy.

As I cleaned I had this question rolling around in my head, what can I really change? If Ryan takes on extra hours at work, what can I really do to remain sane? To make life simpler? To feel more in control and less loopy? To feel rested (as much as possible)? What do I need to do? What areas of my life and work do I need to address? What can I REALLY change? What is my biggest struggle? What do I really dislike about being with my children? Why is it so stressful? Is there any thing I can change? What attitudes and expectations do I need to address?

I have a lot of thinking to do. But a few things came to mind of physical things that I CAN organizes better to make life feel less cluttered and stressful.

Laundry and shoes.
I need to invest in a real laundry system, like a real hamper. One of those canvas ones with lights and darks, when they get full take it down and dump it in the washer and carry it back up.

I need another dry bag...Maybe a door knob one for diapers in the bedroom.

I need a shoe organizer- like a big one that hangs on a door. Shoes are EVERY WHERE and they are always getting taken out of the container I keep them in and being carried all over the place (Thank you Friendly!)

I need another closet. We have a very small closet for all 4 people and it's about 18inches(no exaggeration) deep and 5 feet long, SOOO impractical. I can't do any thing about this right now. But I think I do need to take more of the girls clothing (and mine for that matter) and pack up the stuff Roo's out grown and I've under-grown a lot of stuff and I need to just pack it all up and put it with the other seasonal stuff...I think that will cut down on clothing clutter.

There is more but hubby wants to show me a video and needs the computer...More later!

Working In The Home and Exhaustion.

This is how I've been trying to view it. Not "stay at home" but Working IN the home.

I'm trying not to pick things apart. But I'm feeling so tired and discouraged. And a bit down on myself, in all honesty.

I have an incredible husband. Above and beyond the average. He helps with house work -faithfully washing up a dish drain of dishes when he gets the chance. He cooks breakfast for our family every morning (he makes the worlds best oatmeal [yummy "old fashioned" oats], pancakes and scrambled eggs- he can make quite a variety of breakfasts!). Since our second baby came a long he has made our oldest his priority. Knowing he's not much help with new babies (though he did his share there too!) he took our older little under his wing, they became best buddies. He gets up with her when she needs things at night, takes her to the potty, tucks her in her blankets again, helps her get a drink. Granted, she generally sleeps through the night, but on the occasions she does wake up? He is so sweet and patient. For MONTHS he got up before or around 5 a.m. when she was refusing to sleep later (and still does some mornings). He is a faithful, gentle, excruciatingly patient Daddy and husband. I honestly do not deserve him.

He is so amazing. And I am wracked with guilt because even with all that, I can't keep up. The house is almost always a wreck, there area always dishes to be washed. I finally get "all" the laundry put away and turn around and realize more diapers need to be washed, more clothing is dirty . I pick up the same (I want to swear here but will refrain) ______ toys over and over and over again. I vacuum the same floors, wipe the same toilets. Pick up the same mind numbing messes. Every thing always looks like a bomb went off, two bombs actually. I have done every thing I can think of...I have organized and sorted out all our toys...Have put a lot of toys away to put them on rotation. I have limited the girls access to really ALL the toys by organizing them in categorized containers with lids.

And yet? BOMB BOMB BOOOOOM!!!!!!!

I feel like my life is an exercise in futility.

And it's not just the constant messes. It's the constant THEREness required in my job. It seems like if I look away for even a moment the girls are at each others throats. I can't count how many times daily (hourly!) I am helping them work through the same issues that we just talked about 5 minutes before. "Roo, GENTLE touches. Practice... There you go, now you need to say your sorry. Hitting (pushing/bodyslamming/kicking etc) hurts. Friendly is really sad...Touch her GENTLY." and then watching like a hawk to stop it in progress when it happens again. Wash rinse repeat. And I won't even go into the amount of times I have to remove Friendly who can (and has) pull out CLUMPS of Roo's hair. It is working, I seem glimmers some days of Roo handling a situation correctly. Of her handing Friendly a toy and negotiating with her. Of her handling her sister with gentleness.

And then there is the stress from outside, and I know I shouldn't worry over it, and I try not to. But it's THERE. We currently live with my Mom: who is and was super woman. She practically single-handedly raised (and homeschooled!) 5 children (my Dad worked insane hours).We live in her house, and it's always a mess. I hate it. I feel so ashamed that I can't keep it clean. I get caught up and one night of bad sleep and a busy day later = chaos. And she has been making little hints about how she doesn't think we're disciplining the girls effectively. Which drives me nuts because...Well I know I need to let it go. I know we're doing things very differently. I know our children cry MORE and throw a LOT more tantrums (well Friendly more than Roo ever did) about things. We weren't allowed to throw tantrums at all. ANd if we cried too much we were told to suck it up. We let the girls express themselves. We enforce our boundries and they can feel however they want about it (usually sad or angry- LOUDLY epxressed). We dont' sweat the small stuff, if it isn't a moral issue we believe it'll work itself out (with some gudience) as they develop and grow and watch how we handle things (modelling).

But living in close corners with family: I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point in so many areas.

And then there is the money issues. We are working towards getting our own place, SOON. DH's boss offered him an extra shift on the weekends. We really could use the money. But the thought of 6 days a week with my two children. The thought makes me want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of only getting one day with hubby home.One day where I could potentially catch up on some sleep. Granted, Friendly is cutting teeth and the girls have both had separate bouts of illnesses. I've been pretty sleep deprived for ooooh about 5 mos.

What was I saying about working in the home? I don't know! I want to feel like I'm accomplishing some thing! Oh and I don't want to raise these kids by myself. I know raising kids is a LOT of work, especially in the first few years. And I'm trenched smack dab in the MIDDLE of this season. When I say "by myself" I mean with DH not home except one day a week. We have made some big sacrifices (living with family for one!) to have me home with our children and to be sure DH can be involved too. We have felt so strongly that this was necessary for this time in our family. I want my daughters to have more time with their Daddy, not less. And yet, neither one of us has a peace about my finding employment outside the home.

I just needed the vent. We have felt a very strong sense that January is when things are going to start falling into place. But I can't help but look at the messiness of life right now, and want to throw a huge tantrum about it. I want out. I feel trapped here. Panic attacky trapped.

I'm so ready for change. And yet I know that when we do move out, when things do change it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows.

Where's that easy button????

tantrum done.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Well...Counting my Blessings.

You know those weeks where you're so worn out you can barely think straight.

I've had 2 in a row.

I hate when my littles are sick. Lil Roo came down with a stomach bug last Saturday and has been weak, barfing, and runny tummy since then.

It's been enough for me to want to get a good hospital grade breast pump and start pumping several ounces of milk for her a day. At least for the winter! She has lost so much weight this week- and as she has never even topped 30lbs, and she's tall for her age: she didn't exactly have any to spare.

I wonder if I'll get better at it as she grows? Better at dealing with the illnesses, the pitiful heartbreaking "Mommie I feel awful"s?

Last night she threw up (yes almost a week after starting this whole deal) in the car when my Mom was driving her home from a "date" (their special time together, Riley's been begging for a Nana date for weeks!). It was horrible. Hubby was taking her out of her pukey clothes by the bathtub and she was crying, "Mommie, I threw up all over my beautiful dress. It's just so terrible!" (yes she's 2.75 going on 10).

I'm concerned. I'm wondering if we need to get her tested for other issues or if this is just one of those things.

Either way, I got her some glutan free snacks (I have an inkling some thing is going on with me there, and maybe her too) and lots of easy to digest fruit. So hopefully she's truely on the mend.

This last week has made me realize how very blessed we are to have generally healthy children. This pat week parents of chronically or terminally ill children have been on my heart so much. Praying for grace for them as they carry the burden and stresses involved. Raising littles is a lot of work, and it is so easy to feel over whelmed with the daunting task of molding their character and the concern to raise Godly and strong kids. I can't imagine the stress of just trying to keep them or get them healthy on top of that.

Waiting until Monday to figure all this out. I don't even know where to start. But maybe she really will feel better by then...