This is how I've been trying to view it. Not "stay at home" but Working IN the home.
I'm trying not to pick things apart. But I'm feeling so tired and discouraged. And a bit down on myself, in all honesty.
I have an incredible husband. Above and beyond the average. He helps with house work -faithfully washing up a dish drain of dishes when he gets the chance. He cooks breakfast for our family every morning (he makes the worlds best oatmeal [yummy "old fashioned" oats], pancakes and scrambled eggs- he can make quite a variety of breakfasts!). Since our second baby came a long he has made our oldest his priority. Knowing he's not much help with new babies (though he did his share there too!) he took our older little under his wing, they became best buddies. He gets up with her when she needs things at night, takes her to the potty, tucks her in her blankets again, helps her get a drink. Granted, she generally sleeps through the night, but on the occasions she does wake up? He is so sweet and patient. For MONTHS he got up before or around 5 a.m. when she was refusing to sleep later (and still does some mornings). He is a faithful, gentle, excruciatingly patient Daddy and husband. I honestly do not deserve him.
He is so amazing. And I am wracked with guilt because even with all that, I can't keep up. The house is almost always a wreck, there area always dishes to be washed. I finally get "all" the laundry put away and turn around and realize more diapers need to be washed, more clothing is dirty . I pick up the same (I want to swear here but will refrain) ______ toys over and over and over again. I vacuum the same floors, wipe the same toilets. Pick up the same mind numbing messes. Every thing always looks like a bomb went off, two bombs actually. I have done every thing I can think of...I have organized and sorted out all our toys...Have put a lot of toys away to put them on rotation. I have limited the girls access to really ALL the toys by organizing them in categorized containers with lids.
And yet? BOMB BOMB BOOOOOM!!!!!!!
I feel like my life is an exercise in futility.
And it's not just the constant messes. It's the constant THEREness required in my job. It seems like if I look away for even a moment the girls are at each others throats. I can't count how many times daily (hourly!) I am helping them work through the same issues that we just talked about 5 minutes before. "Roo, GENTLE touches. Practice... There you go, now you need to say your sorry. Hitting (pushing/bodyslamming/kicking etc) hurts. Friendly is really sad...Touch her GENTLY." and then watching like a hawk to stop it in progress when it happens again. Wash rinse repeat. And I won't even go into the amount of times I have to remove Friendly who can (and has) pull out CLUMPS of Roo's hair. It is working, I seem glimmers some days of Roo handling a situation correctly. Of her handing Friendly a toy and negotiating with her. Of her handling her sister with gentleness.
And then there is the stress from outside, and I know I shouldn't worry over it, and I try not to. But it's THERE. We currently live with my Mom: who is and was super woman. She practically single-handedly raised (and homeschooled!) 5 children (my Dad worked insane hours).We live in her house, and it's always a mess. I hate it. I feel so ashamed that I can't keep it clean. I get caught up and one night of bad sleep and a busy day later = chaos. And she has been making little hints about how she doesn't think we're disciplining the girls effectively. Which drives me nuts because...Well I know I need to let it go. I know we're doing things very differently. I know our children cry MORE and throw a LOT more tantrums (well Friendly more than Roo ever did) about things. We weren't allowed to throw tantrums at all. ANd if we cried too much we were told to suck it up. We let the girls express themselves. We enforce our boundries and they can feel however they want about it (usually sad or angry- LOUDLY epxressed). We dont' sweat the small stuff, if it isn't a moral issue we believe it'll work itself out (with some gudience) as they develop and grow and watch how we handle things (modelling).
But living in close corners with family: I feel like I'm nearing my breaking point in so many areas.
And then there is the money issues. We are working towards getting our own place, SOON. DH's boss offered him an extra shift on the weekends. We really could use the money. But the thought of 6 days a week with my two children. The thought makes me want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed at the thought of only getting one day with hubby home.One day where I could potentially catch up on some sleep. Granted, Friendly is cutting teeth and the girls have both had separate bouts of illnesses. I've been pretty sleep deprived for ooooh about 5 mos.
What was I saying about working in the home? I don't know! I want to feel like I'm accomplishing some thing! Oh and I don't want to raise these kids by myself. I know raising kids is a LOT of work, especially in the first few years. And I'm trenched smack dab in the MIDDLE of this season. When I say "by myself" I mean with DH not home except one day a week. We have made some big sacrifices (living with family for one!) to have me home with our children and to be sure DH can be involved too. We have felt so strongly that this was necessary for this time in our family. I want my daughters to have more time with their Daddy, not less. And yet, neither one of us has a peace about my finding employment outside the home.
I just needed the vent. We have felt a very strong sense that January is when things are going to start falling into place. But I can't help but look at the messiness of life right now, and want to throw a huge tantrum about it. I want out. I feel trapped here. Panic attacky trapped.
I'm so ready for change. And yet I know that when we do move out, when things do change it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows.
Where's that easy button????