And yet, at peace. After all my months of worrying, freaking out, and working through every thing.. The past 2 weeks I've been feeling very at peace about Newby's arrival. I just don't want to think about it. I mean in a logistical sense...When I think about it I feel excited. I feel like this time I know more of what I'm doing..I'm excited to labor with Ryan...I'm excited that this birth will (hopefully) be much more private. More on my terms (I mean as much as birth can be)... I have grown up a lot since Friendly was born... I feel (and this is definitely probably silly): I feel like I'm facing this work as a woman...Not a scared child.
I still haven't hired an OB. Part of me feels I owe it to Newby to have that all lined up, and that I need to bite the bullet and DO it. I need to go there. I need to face my (definite) fear of planning a hospital birth and dealing with an OB. But I'm just feeling so excited and GOOD right now, I don't want to go there... I feel like an OB would make me worry more about my "VBAC status" than would be healthy. I just want to be. To enjoy being in the 3rd trimester, and to be feeling so amazing. I don't know if Newby is my last baby, but that doesn't really matter...This is my only chance to carry THIS baby and I want to savor it. I don't want an OB's attitude, tests, and pressure (not to go past 40 weeks or whatever)...I just want to be with this baby, enjoy our special time together.
I just feel so ....inhale....exhale..."whatever". This pregnancy truly has been a gift...Even with the hard first/second trimester sickies I feel so strong this pregnancy. So centered.
I'm going on 29weeks...So far I've gained 4 or 5lbs (depending on when I weight myself) and I can't say how wonderful watching the weight gain has been for me this time...I gained 70lbs with Friendly and I felt WRETCHED by the end. This time I promised myself I would do my best to stay under a certain number: because I know that when I go over that number I feel BAD...Not because of the number but because of the amount of uncessary weight that happens...That number is still a good 20lbs away... I think the biggest reason I'm not gaining is because I have gone 110% gluten-free...I finally addressed my HD/celiac issues and I think if I weren't pregnant I would be LOSING weight right now. But since I am growing Newby I'm trying hard to be mindful to eat my good fatty foods with protein and lots of fresh fruits and veggies... Not putting on unnecessary pounds and staying active (I can still run a bit) has helped my mood and overall feeling of well being so much. Newby is definitely growing well in there: the movements are getting stronger every day and it's so amazing to see little feet run back and forth on the top of my tummy.
In other news I wanted to write quickly about my new love, knitting. I wish I had learned to knit years ago!!!! I can't say how it centers me. It meets a need I didn't know was going unmet. I'm a newby (har har) knitter...I tried for years and years...There was a mental block, I just couldn't seem to do it.
But last year I decided that I could to it. I just had to learn.
Here's my first project:
Last year I taught myself how to knit (thank you, youtube!). And it's another thing that I feel very proud of. I really really wanted to get some wool soakers for Newby. My PUL covers are still serviceable (well 3 of them), but I needed more: especially night time dipes. And I love the idea of wool...I love how breathable it is. BUT I don't have $40 to spend on getting even one soaker. But I figured out, I can make them for $4 a piece (thanks to Michael's having woll on sale!) and the project has been fun and stretching for me. I've learned so much...How to knit on double pointed needles. How to pearl back wards. How to graft a seam. How to pick up stitches. Completing these projects has just been so satisfying. I love that I can knit while I hang out with my kids.
I know that I am always accomplishing things, even when it feels like every thing I do is being undone, but knitting PROVES it... I can get to the end of the day and look at the rows I knitted and know "they can't undo it!!". Silly? Maybe. But when you're nesting frantically (cleaning neurotically) and having your hard work undone almost immediately this knitting thing just feeds my soul.
|I learned to knit on double pointed needles... SO proud of myself.|
|Except for the blocking: complete!|
|finished (except for blocking) soaker #2...|
Well children and dishes and dinner call...