Monday, August 24, 2009

2 Week Post Partum Visit

J came to me today, she had to be in town anyway so she swung in and checked in.

Amity has gained another 10 oz (in 5 days!!) she is now weighing in 9lbs3oz that is 9lbs 4 oz since she was born 16days ago!!! Impressive!

She checked me "down there" because I've been hurting/burning quite a bit. J said she can't see any tears (I was worried we had missed some thing- I was SO swollen after delivery) - NOPE! Still no tears, she said every thing looks great- it could be that things are just healing tighter than I'm used to and also the extra estrogen might be drying me out and irritating things. Going to be using fresh aloe to lubricate down there, I think that will really help. Also, a wonderful mama from GCM sweetly sent me some herbs for some sitz baths. I am planning on brewing up a batch for tonight and soaking for 30 minutes in the tub tonight.

So things are going well, I am feeling less sore the past couple of days, I also got some dermoplast spray- that stuff is AMAZING!!! I spray it on after a trip to the bathroom (with in reason) and it makes such a huge difference in comfort level. HIGHLY recommend it.

So here is my list of things that I plan on getting for postpartum healing next time around
  • dermoplast- it's a anesthetic numbing spray= HEAVEN!
  • herbs for sitz baths for after birth.
  • "professional" cloth sanitary pads (I took 30 minutes and made 8 or 9 pads out of old soft t-shirts, a layer of micro-terry cloth, and an outer shell of fleece to protect my underwear from getting wet- I used a Kushies flannel diaper insert for the "pattern" there are real patterns online- maybe I'll use those next time. They work great and they are so nice and soft (and no chemicals) on my sensitive stretch out skin down there).

Time to find supper, I'm hungry. STARVING all the time Amity nurses non stop these days.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

So after my complainy/ panicky post earlier I've gotten a really good nap and some perspective.

I could focus on the lack of support- the fact that I do feel abandoned in some ways, that I am not getting quite as much rest as I had hoped I would... Or I could look at the flip side.

Amity could have come a week late and then I would have had absolutely NO help past Ryan's few days off work. My Mom would have been back at school right away and really stressed out (as she always is to some extent trying to get the new 6th graders used to the transition from elementary to middle [in a very urban inner city school]) ...I would have been all alone, THIS sore with a newborn and not quite 20 month old, all day long with no help.

Some help is better than none, I DO wish some things had been different- I REALLY wish this week had been quieter- less visitors..BUt I think that is partly the price I have to pay for sharing a home with my Mom.

And there are some things I've learned for the next baby. Ryan is absolutely no and if or buts going to need to take 2 weeks off work for the next baby. We'll have to budget for it, accept the fact that it will be a year where we'll be taking no trips to see his family, but it HAS to happen... 2 weeks with him home would make things so much easier.

More later going to relax with the hubby for a while.

This is not

the babymoon I hoped for. I'm feeling angry and frustrated.

Monday morning, my first morning without Ryan, and my Mom leaves me too for 5 hour on my own. I really felt abandoned. Riley was fussy and sceaming a LOT and I was on my feet waaaay more than I should have been= massive pain come evening.

Tuesday was a bit better she was only gone 2 or 3 hours to have lunch with a friend.

Wednesday she was s a great help, I couldn't have taken the girls to the doctors appointment on my own that's for sure!!! BUT we ran errands afterwarnds, got home around 10:30 (we had left at 7:30) I put Ri down for a nap, then tried to take a little nap on my own - Ami wasn't letting me sleep... Then she had company over from noon to 3- people I definitely didn't feel comfortable nursing around so I was in and out up and down the stairs (which is really bad for healing causes the little tears to reopen= PAIN) and I finally got a little nap, she had Riley with me and than not- she did keep her in the afternoon mostly. And hten she had more friends over around 4- they were helpful they cleaned the kitche and I could nurse around them, but it was a LOT for one day- by evening I was in so much pain and just feeling worn out.

Today she left me again- I ahd to carry Riley-up the stairs no less becuase she was melting down and in desperate need of a nap- but refused to climb the stairs herself...Some thing that I could immediately feel hurting thigns down there- I mean I laid down in bed with RJ and I was burnig SO bad.
And tomorrow she's going to brunch with anoher friend ad then to a funeral will be gone all morning again. I just want to cry. I feel ungrateful though.

I am just so frustrated. Healing is taking way longer than I had hoped it would, I am so sore still- not nearly as sore as last week but I can feel every time I over do it I feel like I'm taking a step back. I really really REALLY wanted one more week after Ryan was at work to rest, to not have to worry about Riley at all and stay in bed- I really felt like that was what my body needed- but my Mom keeps leaving me. Like she is trying to push me out of the nest so to speak, toughen me up or prepare me, get a little taste of what I'm going to be dealing with - but I'm NOT READY! I needed more time to heal, I am seriously like a first time vaginal birth Mom BUT with 23lb toddler who is very needy and misses her Mommy and is struggling with all the changes in the house. I needed to tank up this week so I could be ready for next week when my Mom wasn't going to be around as much...Be ready for the MONTHS of hard work ahead of me as we adjust and deal with all the changes a new baby constantly brings

I feel so jipped of the rest I desperately need/needed. I feel angry that I've been left alone so much. I am still unbelievably sore down there and liftening or having Riley on my lap makes it a million times worse. And I feel guilty for being so weak. I feel like I should be able to handle this and am failing miserably. Like my body is once again going way slower than I wanted it to- story of my life.

I'm gonna go have a good cry and hopefully Ami will calm down adn take a nap too- she's incredibly fussy right now.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Healing and Babymoon

So Amity is 10 days old and I'm still waiting for the pain "down there" to go away completely. It gets a little better every day, but if I over do it even a little I am VERY uncomfortable by evening... I was very bruised and swollen- though the swelling is almost gone the bruised feeling continues. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had torn and would have needed stitches. As it is I'm sure I got a few "skid" marks. Weird illustration but I feel like an old basketball that was left in the sun for a long time and then blown up twice it size and then shrunk again...In other words I feel like I have a lot of cracking that happened down there. My skin is healing...slowly.

I have to say my peri cleansing bottle and solution (some essential oils to promote healing- came in my birth kit) are my best friend. I didn't rinse once or twice (because some child or another was screaming) in the last week and boy did not rinsing make things burn- and I think slowed healing a little.

Yes, all this is TMI...But I wasn't sure what to expect after a vaginal birth...I gotta say, waaaay waaaaay easier than healing from a c/s. I can't imagine trying to even be near Riley with a giant c/s incision across my belly- she is on my lap right now with a book that she asks me to read for a minute and then goes back to her Elmo video...She is not easy on the stomach muscles!

I've gotta say, though I still am pretty watery, and have a good bit of babyweight to lose- I feel SO much better about my body than I did with Riley. I think my left over bump is kind of cute (though I definitely don't wnat it there forever)- I really am not in a huge hurry to get going on excercise- I want to take things VERY slowly. I am enjoying my babymoon. Two weeks of doing nothing but taking care of Amity, which by the way a newborn is a breeze compared to a toddler! Ami is fussy at points during the day and that is tiring- but compared to trying to keep RJ happy - well I gotta say I'm loving the "second time around" every thing is so much less overhwelming! I mean it is still overwhelming some times, especially when both girls are screaming and I have to use the bathroom and in desperate need of a nap... But it helps that I have perepsective, I mean I heard with Riley that "this too shall pass" but now I really SEE that it goes so fast, and that it isn't like with Riley where I was so entrenched in new Mommyness and newborn every thing that I couldn't see past the next day let alone the next year.

I'll have to finish this post later, I have a few more thoughts about babymooning- how much I am loving rest but Ami is starting to stir and I need to change her diaper and feed her, and hopefully get a nap in...Ami had me up for hours last night. Ryan sent me to bed at 9 and I got to sleep untill 10:45...I was up untill 12:30 with a very fussy Ami finally wore her down in the sling... Got some broken sleep untill 4am and then was up with Ami untill 5:30 when she fiiiinally slept. She's "waking up" to the world and isn't liking some aspects of that.

Hmm Ami settled...Babymoon thoughts: I feel kinda weak for being this way, for wanting so much rest and not wanting to go out or do any thing...I know so many Mom's who feel so wonderful after delivery that they dive right back into life full swing after a few days rest. 1) I haven't felt all that wonderful, I mean compared to how I felt with Riley I feel amazing. But I am VERY sore and being on my feet makes the swelling worse which makes the burny feeling worse. IN some ways I am definitely a first time Mom- I've heard the 2nd vaginal birth you don't get as sore...Here's hoping! 2) I just want to soak up all the rest I can, I didn't rest enough after Riley was born partly because my body was sick and wouldn't let me, and partly because I didn't realize how important it was. It took my body 6months to recover from the c/s and I don't want to repeat that. I want to get my body fully healed over the next 6 weeks- I am not doing any thing extra for 6 weeks, I am resting, not running any extra errands that I don't need to and taking as many naps as I can get. I want Amity's babyhood to be with a Mommy who is ready to take on the challenge.

And Ami is stirring again... maybe I'll update this later....

Back but NAK- Something I learned on GCM- that never ever heard about or considered. The kind of pads you use post partum...Always brand pads burnt me so badly! A thread talked about it a few months ago but I forgot about it untill I popped one in and 2 hours later I was hurting so bad I could barely walk...THEN I remembered the thread. I know this is beyond crunchy to some but I was kinda hoping to use cloth pads after the first week, but I never got around to buying material to make some, and we need cloth diapering stuff so much more. Our stash still really needs some filling out We really need 3 more Wonder Wraps and at least 10 more dipes- I'm thinking I'll make some RRP's out of Ryan's old Tshirts- cheap and stretchy! Anyway, Ryan took me to Wegmans on Friday and I got some 100% cotton organic disposable pads- they are expensive. I am thinking that maybe this weekend Ryan can take me to the fabric store and I can pick up a yard of bamboo fleece and make my own mama clothes- cheaper than buying more pads over the next few weeks (I bled 6 weeks with RJ...though not heavily at all it still require a pad). Okay Amity is having a sleepy morning and Riley is really happy with Sesame Street I'm gonna catch some Zzzz's.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am STILL pregnant. According to u/s date I am 39w4days pregnant LMP date: 41w6days pregnant and waiting.

I am STILL miserable.

TMI but the diarrhea is getting worse and worse and every time I go it sets off a big ugly round of contractions. I was up for hours last night, I slept from 11-1 and woke up with a whopper of a contraction- had to pee... Used the bathroom and went back to sleep (or at least dozed) untill 2:45 and gave up on tossing and turning and came downstairs... I drank a lot of water to see if that would help the contractions (it didn't), I sat up and read on my computer and then did 20 minutes of prenatal yoga...After yoga I drank some more and went up and did some Imagery Birthing- that is the ONLY way I can get to sleep right now- so thankful for it!!!! I did the labor affirmations and tried my hardest to relax- finally fell back to sleep around 5am and slept untill just before 7 when Riley woke up and started pressing her head against mine and going "hi".

Still contracting this morning, I am not timing them but the ones when I'm walking around are really uncomfortable- like I want to stop walking NOW kinda uncomfy...Sitting ones just ache but feel more like the baby is stretching his/her head into my cervix- doens't really hurt just feels like weird movement/pressure.

I hope the baby comes soon...I don't think I can do another day of this. But then again, I felt that way on Wednesday night and I have obviously made it another day...Going to try to stay busy today.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I am insane.

I give up.

I mean it.

Kid, you can stay in there forever- I don't care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm not just saying that to manipulate you to come out. I just plain don't care any more- I'm getting more sleep with you in there any way.

I am so so so so over it.

Over the ugly swelling- I actually have 3 stretch markes on my CALVES because my freaking legs are so swollen!!!!!!!!!! It's not fat my friends, it's FLUID- if I cross my legs, they are massively indented. I am so ugly and repulsive right now I can't stand myself.

If it wasn't completely inappropriate and melodramatic to say it I would say that I want to die. I am not kidding. I don't want to live another day like this, it is horrible.

To make it worse a woman I knew from WTE who was due the SAME day as me just had her little girl today. I hate her. I hate all people who have given birth before me, including me. I am so so so sososososososososososooooooooooooooo over being pregnant. I was over being pregnant when the test was positive. I am not doing any thing to night to encourage EPO, no sex, no walking, no NOTHING. Baby can freaking STAY in there untill the end of time for all I care.

Except no- really I am going to DIE if this kid doesn't exit ASAP. I am going insane- I'm not kidding I will need to be put in the looney bin shortly if this kid doesn't freaking LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am majorly pathetic because I am not even 40 weeks...I still have 5 days to that point... Lord, I"m being serious here- you say you won't give me more than I can endure. Well honestly God I think that is a load of POOP!

so there.