Thursday, August 20, 2009

This is not

the babymoon I hoped for. I'm feeling angry and frustrated.

Monday morning, my first morning without Ryan, and my Mom leaves me too for 5 hour on my own. I really felt abandoned. Riley was fussy and sceaming a LOT and I was on my feet waaaay more than I should have been= massive pain come evening.

Tuesday was a bit better she was only gone 2 or 3 hours to have lunch with a friend.

Wednesday she was s a great help, I couldn't have taken the girls to the doctors appointment on my own that's for sure!!! BUT we ran errands afterwarnds, got home around 10:30 (we had left at 7:30) I put Ri down for a nap, then tried to take a little nap on my own - Ami wasn't letting me sleep... Then she had company over from noon to 3- people I definitely didn't feel comfortable nursing around so I was in and out up and down the stairs (which is really bad for healing causes the little tears to reopen= PAIN) and I finally got a little nap, she had Riley with me and than not- she did keep her in the afternoon mostly. And hten she had more friends over around 4- they were helpful they cleaned the kitche and I could nurse around them, but it was a LOT for one day- by evening I was in so much pain and just feeling worn out.

Today she left me again- I ahd to carry Riley-up the stairs no less becuase she was melting down and in desperate need of a nap- but refused to climb the stairs herself...Some thing that I could immediately feel hurting thigns down there- I mean I laid down in bed with RJ and I was burnig SO bad.
And tomorrow she's going to brunch with anoher friend ad then to a funeral will be gone all morning again. I just want to cry. I feel ungrateful though.

I am just so frustrated. Healing is taking way longer than I had hoped it would, I am so sore still- not nearly as sore as last week but I can feel every time I over do it I feel like I'm taking a step back. I really really REALLY wanted one more week after Ryan was at work to rest, to not have to worry about Riley at all and stay in bed- I really felt like that was what my body needed- but my Mom keeps leaving me. Like she is trying to push me out of the nest so to speak, toughen me up or prepare me, get a little taste of what I'm going to be dealing with - but I'm NOT READY! I needed more time to heal, I am seriously like a first time vaginal birth Mom BUT with 23lb toddler who is very needy and misses her Mommy and is struggling with all the changes in the house. I needed to tank up this week so I could be ready for next week when my Mom wasn't going to be around as much...Be ready for the MONTHS of hard work ahead of me as we adjust and deal with all the changes a new baby constantly brings

I feel so jipped of the rest I desperately need/needed. I feel angry that I've been left alone so much. I am still unbelievably sore down there and liftening or having Riley on my lap makes it a million times worse. And I feel guilty for being so weak. I feel like I should be able to handle this and am failing miserably. Like my body is once again going way slower than I wanted it to- story of my life.

I'm gonna go have a good cry and hopefully Ami will calm down adn take a nap too- she's incredibly fussy right now.

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