Wednesday, September 9, 2009

I keep starting this pot and either some one cries and needs me, or I just can't figure out what I want to say.

I feel like I need to process stuff, but I'm not even sure where to start.

Amity is growing so fast!!!! She looks like a big grown baby suddenly, not like an itty bitty newborn. I know I'll look back in a few months and think "Oh she was so tiny!" but looking at how far she's come in the past 4.5 weeks I can't believe how much she's grown!!!

I kinda want to process what I'm learning since Amity arrived- in so many respects it's been a very healing few weeks. Amity is a much calmer, dare I say, happier personality than RJ was. I feel bad saying it but RJ's first year was so traumatic for me. Part of it because of things that were beyond my control: unplanned c/s, 10 weeks of extreme pain with other health issues, and a week being hospitalized with a new born to take care of and nurse. And then a week with a terrible case of flu that I picked up in the ER/hospital...And a baby who was very fussy, hard to learn to nurse with, and just in general most reactions to every thing was NEGATIVE and her intensity was exhausting. All that starting off my journey into motherhood...Needless to say when I found out I was pregnant again I was terrified.

It hasn't been as bad as I thought. And in many ways it's been better than I dreamed possible.

What are some things I'm learning?

1) To be a good Mommy I need to be selfish. It sounds bad, but I've quickly learned: I come first. Okay not completely first but there has to be more balance this time around. I ran myself ragged with RJ in some respects- I need to gear myself up for the long haul, not reaching burn out at 7months in and falling apart. The old saying, "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" couldn't be more true with two little ones under two. If no real house work gets done because I chose to use that energy to do a 30 minute (still gentle) work out, so be it!!! Those little work outs do a world of good for my mood, and usually it's 30 minutes of not being touched (though some times i have to hold or wear Ami during it).

If Ami has to scream on the changing table for 3 or 4 minutes so that I can wash off the sour milk (I always smell of miiiiilk!!!), sweat, spit up and things RJ smeared on me- SO BE IT! A quick shower also is a sanity saver.

If I need to set Amity down so I can change Ri's diaper or get her food (and having her in a front carry/slinging her isn't practical because she is either at risk for getting playfully kicked, or just in the way while I try to hurry)...Well she'll live. And same goes for Riley, if I just need a few minutes of not freaking being touched- she'll live if I walk away and go in a room where she can't be near me. I hope we survive and come out on the other side of the adjustments with even stronger bonds on both sides...But well, some days there is unfortunately a lot of crying in our house.

Which brings me to my biggest thought, I think I've gained a lot of persepctive in the last month. With Riley it was "Oh I could never leave her to cry", and I still hate to hear Amity cry, absolutely hate it! I hate even more to hear Riley cry, don't know why but her tears and whining makes me want to scream...Why is that? But I don't allow myself to feel guilty over it- I wear Amity when I can- frees up my hands for Riley and keeps amity happy. She sleeps in my arms or at my breast all night long, and is in my arms or wrapped agianst my body most of the day...But an hour or two napping in the swing, or a few minutes a day crying in the swing or boppy is worth it if it keeps me sane. I have a very very intense amazing and busy 20 month old to chase, comfort, feed and care for and I guess that's the rub for the second child- they'll never have it as good as the first in some respects!! But on the flip side I think Amity gets way better parents than Riley got- well maybe more experienced is the better word. And AJ really benefits becuase RJ really is good at giving us a run for our money.
I gotta run more later