Lighten Up!

I take myself too seriously. I can laugh at myself, but I still do take it all too seriously. I have a hard time lightening up.

I wish I could be the low key, laid back person I see myself as.

Most of the time I feel like I'm more of this on edge, drained, exhausted and verbally constipated person. Yes, verbally constipated.

I know I do a lot of things right. And there a lot of ideas and ideals I have, that I'm really just learning and grappling with what they mean for me.

And yet I'm in awe, why do these amazing little people love me so much? How are they so forgiving, giving. They always want to be with me. They think I'm like...better than sliced bread!

Friendly certainly thinks I taste way better than gross processed bread...At least she sure seems to for as much as I see her in this position!!!

I feel like I've spent the last six...erm, seven  years of my life doggie paddling. I have learned so much about myself. I have grown, a lot. But as much healing as has happened, I still feel a bit stuck. Kind of tripping over things, tangled and...waiting.

I wish I had the kind of brain that saw things clearly. That could look at a situation in a nice neat...Like this:

People with this kind of brain can explain things clearly. They know what they mean when it comes out of their mouths. They articulate things clearly. They see things in an organized fashion.


And then...There is my brain:

Funny, right?  My brain is a very emotional beast. I if I had to describe how I see things it would be exactly like this! Every thing has too many layers to it to be organized neatly. There are feelings, emotions, vibes (or whatever, things have feelings to them!)...It's not neat and tidy.
Hold on with me here, I know I take myself too seriously...I know I mull over things I can't change, or lament over things I should have done differently. I'm not always going to live up to all of them. If my kids can love me despite my inadaquecies...The fact that I dont' have all my act together. The fact that I don't have all the answers. The fact that I am still doggie paddling through life, kinda trying to figure out how I work... Becoming more aware of myself as a person... If they can love me, WELL WOW!!!!! I need to lighten up...But more importantly?

GRACE.

Jesus.

He has a dream for me, a hope for me...He (needs to be? should be? is?) my hope. And I am His child, His friend, His baby, His. 

And another thing, I was thinking about the girls  how every few months when I look back I think "Wow! They were such babies..." The same is true for me! I need to embrace where growth is happening, celebrate it! I need to celebrate the fact that I'm becoming more aware of who I am as a person, who God created me to be. I need to lighten up and realize, I'm never going to think like other people and that's okay.

It's also okay to try. to learn. to be. I struggle to communicate, especially more and more as words become important to my littles. I mean I'm pretty normal, I'm not a mute...I get by. Actually some in real life (if they know me really well) know me as a bit loquacious (vocab word, whoot whoot!). But when I get stressed or overwhelmed, WHOOSH they leave my brain and my tongue. Stuck: nothing comes out. It's been so frustrating to be overwhelmed trying to communicate verbally to my children and then try to simultaneously handle it physically (like redirecting with my hands full: never a good idea!).


And I'll say, knock my 3 year old off her tricycle. Yup, real winner of a moment this morning. (She was riding towards the center of the street and the only word that kept coming out was "Roo, side side side side side!!" In the midst of that I was right next to her trying to coax her back towards the side, while holding Friendly, a sippie, her doll and her baby doll stroller...I nudged Roo's trike handle bar with my knee and knocked the whole thing over! ugh).

Anyway, there is grace enough...seriously.

Bottom line, it always comes back to two things...The story of the past year. It all comes back to Horizontal and Vertical Parenting .I can't be the best with the horizontal people in my life, unless I'm plugged in vertically. 

I keep coming back to one of my favorite Newsboys songs:
(Light Up by Newsboys)

...Back and forth like a daytime drama
Up and down like a Yo-Yo Ma
Say there's gonna be days like this
Cause light and dark don't coexist


How ya gonna see through this fog
How ya gonna get back on course
Ya ain't never gonna feel the force
If ya don't connect to a power source
Cause ya been swapping out day for night
But ya see a lamp light burning bright
If ya get your flip-flops off the porch
We're passing you the torch


When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
We ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine


When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up


I was feeling all overcome
Had a faith gone dim and then some
Gotta call from a band of brothers
Turn the mic on, flash the Nikons
All the doubters, I heard them say,
Now the band's gonna fade away
But the boys are back for a second act
No excuses, we're lighting fuses
You're in the dawn of your finest hour
So get wired to the highest power
If you're down pick any sight
Get ready to ignite

chorus


When we walk in His footsteps
It's a brighter day
When we follow His word
He lights the way
When we lift up His banner
and raise it high
We light up the sky


When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up


chorus 2x

When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
If we ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine


Lyrics produced here for educational purposes only, as heard on http://www.facebook.com/newsboys.official. Lyrics are property and copywrite of their owners.




Bottom line... There's always grace enough! And also...It may look messy to me now. But in the end I know it's going to be beautiful.

And this is from my walk last night... It was pretty. and strangely messy too!

Vertical and Horizontal Parenting Part One

This is me processing some things... I recently finished reading Families Where Grace Is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen. It is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to any one raising a family! I am going to discuss some of the ideas and principles he talks about in his book.

I also recently read (did I finish? hm.) Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline by Becky A Bailey Ph.D.

That book is also amazing, I definitely recommend it. But I struggled in my reading of it. While the principles she presents in her book are good, moral and healthy principles. I felt overwhelmed with all the goals she sets out for the reader, the parent. Her tag line is, "You can't teach what you don't know."

Very true. Her goal is to teach the parent new skills to use in disciplining themselves, so they can in turn discipline their children. And while I got some great tools, and a new understanding about some of my attitudes and how they can effect my children,. I still felt very overwhelmed.

It kind of could be described like this:

Would I be able to carry out these things fully? No. Not to say that means I'm going to ditch the ideas and principles because they are impossible to perfect. I just left the book feeling insecure.


And then God grabbed me. I've had so many questions for Him the last 6 years. I've had this big 'ol pile of things I was trying to untangle even before I had kids...And then I became a parent and the pile grew. How was I going to do this? How were my children going to grow up under my care and leave respectably unscathed? Maybe even a bit more on the whole and healthy side then...not.

HOW HOW HOW???

I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. It really is simple. The world was perfect, man and woman were perfect and whole.


God and man were in perfect relationship. Man was perfect. Genesis 3 talks about how God walked in the garden, He was very close with his creation. But that wasn't good enough for man, and he (general "man/he" female implied.) and human tried to meet their needs some where else. Genesis 3:6 says When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

She saw there was more beyond perfection, she wanted some thing besides God... And with that was the fall of mankind. Our sin separated us from God. He laid out a whole beautiful story of how He called us back to Him. He chose a people (Israel) and all through the Old Testament, called to them. Gave them laws - a way to temporarily rid themselves of sin. But it didn't remove the guilt. The sin was always there waiting, and they had to continue to rid themselves of sin. They had to follow His Law very carefully. I don't have the time or space to go into all the details in this post but there were a LOT of things they had to do. All those rituals and sacrifices were reminders...That they were His people, and that He was one day going to send a doctor to heal their sin. All those commandments and sacrifices were a picture, a shadow of the Redemption He would send. First to His people Israel (also known as the Jews) and then to the rest of the world (known in Bible-speak: gentiles).



So we were separated. Death entered the world. And even now, we are all born separated from God...We can chose to live life separated, and eventually we die. That empty needy place will never be filled by any thing but God




When Adam and Eve ate that fruit, the consequences meant that we'd all be born into sin.

To keep it simple: the doctor for sin was Jesus. God sent His son and He was tortured and killed at the hand of a His people. He died for them, to overcome death. You can read about it here. But pretty much as crazy as what happened sounds: Jesus became the bridge back to God...So that we could live in relationship with him.

The veil of sin that was hanging between us and God was torn. And if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. But the greatest perk of stepping beyond the veil of sin? We are free of guilt! God now, as mind blowing as it may seem, sees us as perfect. Not "sinners saved by grace", but fully and completely redeemed. We're back in the garden in His eyes, we're free. Now the New Testament talks a bit about this...But if you have any questions email me... My point is, God is now the one to fill that empty needy hole, He is the only one who can.

And yet, we walk around with this knowledge, we believe in the saving power of Jesus. But try to make ourselves LOOK healed. Whatever we view as "good" and "positive" we fill ourselves up with.

And with that...I will close Part One...Will link to Part Two when I get it written!! Stay tuned.