Mothering Type A...Type B...And the Faithful Voice

You've heard of the "types" of personalities right?
As I  see it the types are,
Type A: Thrives in structure, creates structure...Organized, loves to organize. Tends to be pretty inflexble.

Type B: free spirit, go with the flow, rebels against structure- feels confined by it.  Has a hard time organizing things and or seeing that any thing needs to be "organized "in the first place.

I have a hard time defining which "type" I am. I'm not either...So I propose a Type C.

Type C: thrives on organizing, but has to reorganize almost compulsively because they hate for things to be the same too long. They need a lot of change. But they also like to know what to expect and where their duties and responsiablitiles lie. Oh and theyreally don't enjoy being "thrown for a loop". ..They cope and bounce back quickly, but they still hate it. They like to find better ways to do things.  They are always looking for new and different ways to try the same thing. They thrive on structure but they need the freedom to go with the flow.

Yup, me in a nut shell.

I was pondering all the Types when it relates to how we mother...And if it even relates to how we parent. I'm "friends" on fb with a lot of new Mamas. I love it! I love their pictures (oh yes, the first time Mamas and the constant stream of pictures...Baby is just sitting there, an adorable lump: must post! I probably have 197297402009 pictures of lump-Roo to my 18198 of anything Friendly). I feel for the, "hey this wasn't what I signed up for! What's with the suddenly not sleeping?" the "First smile!", the "baby rolled over!" or the oh so TMI disgusting poop or otherwise posts. I heart new Mamas.

I was pondering how different we all are. How some Mamas are very scheduled and organized...It baffles my mind how they can know how often and how many and whatever their babies do every day. And it has surprised me the Mamas who do, are not always what I would call "Type A's". I think it baffles me so much, because it's how I thought I'd be with a baby. I thought I'd be more ______, _______, _______ and then ____________. and I just wasn't.

I'm pretty anal about things in life. I like my ducks in a row. But when it came to how I mothered... Well I think the baby I was sent had a lot to do with it. She didn't do any thing the same her first year, ever. Shocking, looking back, because she's definitely Type A. Oooooh is Roo ever Type A! Some of it's being a toddler and now a preschooler... They have to put order in their life. It's part of being human. But her Type A-ness has been...entertaining. She at 24mos ripping the paper she colored to bits because it wasn't right any more. She who can't color on a paper that has a crease on it. She that has to (and this is a 3 thing, I'm sure) have all the colors match on the paper. Again ripping paper to bits if Friendly "messes it up". She that will knock down a tower and start over if things aren't PERFECTLY lined up. She's perectionist to the T and good grief it's annoying (yes, I love it...cracks me up! But OH! Home Education? agh! Going to be tricky!)

What's my point? I do have one.

When it came to holding my bewildering little, brand new Roo in my arms in those early days, I had all these ideas of what I would be as a Mother. I would be strong, structured, in charge, I wasn't going to spoil my baby.

But I quickly felt a lurch in my heart. A call to do it "wrong" I couldn't ignore. A call to listen to some thing besides the experts and outside voices. And then there were those those big grey green eyes would look at me, little arms would reach for me, a little heart would be comforted by only me...Her mommie. And I knew, I had to heed that Faithful Voice.

The voice in my heart that has gotten louder and more clear with every step and decision that I made in line with His call.

How would He love? How would He hold? How would He feed? How would He answer? And more, what did He create our bodies to do? To need? What time lines did He set forth? Any? If so, what (and that's the awesome thing about time lines, Jesus made them all unique to each baby!)? Best of all the comfort that He knows what my babies need best. He created them. With every step I started to lose sight of the Mother I thought I'd be.


And you know what? I am strong, and more? I'm informed! In heeding and following my instincts and God's divine design for my family I have been given opportunities to grow in patience I never dreamed I'd possess (and boy, still stretching there!). And I have discovered truths, weaknesses, and depths of myself I didn't  know existed. I have been driven to research, to question, to not take what I'm told at face value. Not just in parenting, but in all aspects of my life. I've grown in my confidence to do my own thing, to be okay with being different...Okay with not having the answers, or the perfect family, perfect kids. To do what my conscience calls me to do.

When it comes to Mothering, we can all come at it with different ideas, hopes, and expectations. We can all have our unique "types" that lend their own beauty and uniqueness to our parenting journey. Types aren't what's important- we don't have to fit the mould, it's okay. It's heeding the Faithful Voice...And our consciences. It's searching for truth. It's listening to the lurch in our hearts when we're not on the right path. The call of our conscience that confirms our steps. And  also the joy that comes from the peace that flows when we step in and embrace Truth. There is One Truth, but how He looks in each life and family is going to be unique and beautiful.

And with out further ado, I'm going to post this...I hope it's clear...I'm kinda in need of a nap, but this was burning on my heart...

The Well Behaved Child Part ONE

Yes, I still haven't finished my Working In the Home theme...I'll get to part 2 soon!

This is a vent post. I think.

Nothing like family to leave ya feeling incompetent and stressed out. :0D

Okay not really.

It's just the "Oh she's a good baby."mindset. (What is a good baby, really?) "Oh well if you train her right you'll have a well behaved child that will make people want to become a Christian." attitude. Oh and did you know that it's rude to let your 3 year old have a carrot stick before we've prayed??

I'll get back to it.

I've been having a random (or perhaps not so) fit of insecurity. Oh Mothering, it's not easy.

I'm a baby person, I've always been a baby person...I love them.

Growing up I just had a natural "knack" with babies. They like me, I could almost always get them to calm down in their parents absence. They liked me and I really liked them. You get it. I didn't mind getting spit up on, drooled on, chewed on. I didn't mind holding a screaming baby. There was nothing I liked more than calming an upset baby down and getting them to fall asleep in my arms. It was the best. I would hold and bounce that tired upset baby and dream of holding my own babies some day.

Then I had my own baby, and I wasn't good at it. Okay I wasn't bad at it. But there were all these hormones and instincts, the crying broke my heart. I was this little persons MOMMIE- if I couldn't make it better who could? I thought I knew babies, until I met Roo. Oh that girl gave me the run for my money. I'm so glad.

This is SO Roo...The, REALLY Mom, REALLY? look
5 weeks old

Oh my sweet Roo girl. She's growing way too fast. She spits out sentences like, "Oh that was horrible." and " Youw're the best Mommie in the whole wide wowld." and "You weally hewt my feelings." And some times mouthfuls of words she can't wait to get out, so nothing intelligible comes out! Oh but the expression on her face is so earnest and and sweet.

I'm so thankful for the lessons she's taught me. She taught me what it was like to hold my baby, to know my baby. to be so familiar with her in my arms that it felt wrong when she wasn't there.

So to my point...I'll try.

The "good" baby thing bothers me. I took a lot of stalk in how you parented, before I had kids. I thought you did a,b, and c and you would get x,y,and z results. And to a point, that is still very true. But I though parenting babies had more of a science to it. And then I had Roo. I thought babies were easier. I thought I would be a good Mom. That I would have an orderly baby who slept, ate and pooped at regular intervals...That's what babies do, right?

I thought a good baby meant I was a good Mama.

My babies weren't "good". My babies have been inflexible at certain stages (okay, make that most stages), they aren't much for sleep. They teeth horribly and with great noise and crank (erm, GUSTO!). They hate to travel and be out of their routine and element. They make every one around them know their misery in these situations and glue themselves to Mommie like little octopi. They don't like new people (though they surprise me at times). They had an insatiable thirst for breastmilk. They aren't big on new places (unless it's outside). They don't like to seperate from Mommie (or Daddy) and protest loudly when some one even approaches with the "I'll hold that baby" gleam in their eye.

They are the epitome of a "bad" baby.


So I must be a bad Mommie, right? I did it to them. I spoiled them. I held them too much, I let them sleep near me, I nursed them too much and should have weaned them sooner (Friendly at 20mos, is still nursing several times a day and a bit at night). Doing those things didn't make my babies mellow like I felt like several parenting sources promised. It was hard!

But you know what? It wasn't about their behavior. It was about what they needed. They came out that way. A little feisty, a little bit more vocal, a bit on the strong side personality wise. They knew what they needed, and they made it known. And my instincts kicked in and I gave. Some times I found ways to meet their need by breaking rules. They didn't sleep well and they needed lots of milk and closeness to Mommie. So I brought them into my bed. I didn't wean them or hold them back, I embraced them.

I heard the analogy recently and I loved it. Imagine you are SO thirsty and you ask for a drink. You hubby brings you a drink and you guzzle it, but right when you are starting to feel the dryness leave your mouth, your hubby snatches the drink away and says, "that's enough, you don't need so much...Too much water will spoil you!" Oh how you looong for that water! You start to crave it more than any thing. It's all you can think about, it dictates every thing about you. YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE!
How would it be different if your hubby handed you the water and let you drink, and drink, and drink until you were satisfied? You'd happily fill up and be on your way. You wouldn't give water a second thought. It was there if you needed it. Some times if you had a lot going on you might need a bit more water than usual, but it was available.

The same idea is what fueled my instincts. My children needed me. They needed more. It wasn't about how it made me look as Mama. It didn't matter if it made them look like "bad" babies. I am their first expression and understanding of God, what a huge responsibility. I want them to know, I'm here...I'll always be here, my love, commitment, and time for you will never be rationed. Drink fully my baby, drink fully. And when you get your fill, at some point that will happen, you can run off and fly freely knowing I'm here for you...But most importantly, you'll be full of that love, you'll have seen giving, empathy, caring, grace, gentleness modeled day in and day out. You'll have seen the Father's heart for you... And as you grow I'll guide you to find you water in His arms as well. I'll lead you in prayer when you are hurt or sad. I'll pray over you. I'll be there for you.

Why is it about the outside? Why do we control the way we respond to be sure the outside aligns with what is deemed "good"?

I'll take "bad" (or could we say normal) baby and all the lessons that I have learned in giving, in learning to set boundaries in other areas of my life. The lessons of God's Grace and mercy for me.
Oh and now my Roo isn't a baby anymore. She's nearly 3.5 years old. Her cup is starting to overflow...Oh certainly she some times needs some watering! But the sweet giving and empathetic heart that is starting to appear is amazing to behold. She wants to please so very much, she is human. But I am very glad I choose to be bad.


Oh this post is so rough. I want to write more, I want to process more. I want to clarify more. But I'm afraid, I'm out of time. My children need me. Time to head back home. Part Two and more thoughts soon.

Screamfree Parenting

Book by Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT: AWESOME!

We are not responsible for our children. We are responsible to them.

I am not responsible for the choices my children make. I am responsible to them for caring for them, setting boundaries, and meeting their general needs.

Their choices are THEIR choices, I can't make them choose to do some thing...I can make choices about what I am going to do.

That's the other theme through out the book. parenting is not for the children. It's for the parents. Thoughts and themes like, "If you are not under control, you cannot be in charge.".

We always have a choice. Even the opportunity to grow is a choice! I love that he looks at things in this angle...If you haven't picked it up, I highly recommend it: Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool it gave me a lot of things to think about.

I wish I could articulate every thing ...But I just have so much to process! One thing that stood out to me was: The Only Person who you can make change, is YOU. If you are in a negative pattern with some one (a child, friend, spouse) the only person you can change, is you!

This really stood out to me with things I'm dealing with in my relationship with Roo Girl...As much as I didn't want to we were getting sucked into a very adversarial battle grounds...Not all the time, but I just have been at my wits end. I'm sick of saying the same things over and over and over again and getting angry and frustrated. I can't change her, I can't MAKE her stop the negative behaviors. But I can change it up, I can make the change in this relationship dynamic. One thing Runkel talked a lot about was taking a moment to focus on YOURSELF in difficult situations. He calls it a "pause". What are you thinking? What are you feeling? If the person doesn't do what you tell them to, what will you do? Where does the boundary need to be, and how will you uphold it? Is this a boundary issue or is some thing lacking in that moment in your relationship. If dealing with a behavioral issue with a little have you considered HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) can you help them deal with that so the behavior stops and give them tools to deal with it next times.

The other thing I loved was the exercise where he walked you through where you, and your children would be in 25 years...He had you really walk it all out in as much detail as possible, he asked a lot of questions but mainly: What kind of relationship do you want to have with your children in 25 years? and other things like, what character traits and ideals do they hold? What do their peers, friends and family say about them?

How are you going to get there?

He talked a lot about how children are individuals, they are not animals to be trained. From a very young age they make "choices" (not necessarily rational, but they are doing them on their own! They aren't part of us) that we don't like, and have no control over. They wake up at 2a.m. covered in poop. They teeth and can't sleep, they don't like a certain new pureed food we offer. Our job as parents isn't bring them in and train them to be these good godly people.

Here he says it better a brief quote:

"I speak a lot at churches and religious groups. One of the primary concerns of people in a faith community is training their children to love and honor God. For most people of faith, that is the number-one goal of parenting. Thus, they are a little put off when I assert that this is actually not their most important goal. Again and again I tell them that launching their children into a self-directed adulthood is far more important.
Why? Because if your child is not a self-directed adult, then whatever faith he does develop will not truly be his own. He cannot authentically choose to follow God if he cannot choose, on his own, to follow God."

He goes on to talk about how you absolutely discuss and involve your child in your faith (he was PC about it, etc. it's not a "Christian" book)

He concludes, " Again begin with the end in mind. Lead the horse to water... We are training children ultimately to become responsible for themselves and no one else. The ultimate goal of parenting is to launch our children into adulthood where they are self-directed, decisive, and responsible people."

He also asked questions about obedience... Why do we want our children to obey us? Because the bible says to? Because we say so and we're the adults and they need to learn to mind the adult? No we want our children to obey us because they have chosen to do it because it is the right thing to do. We want our children to be self-directed to have a strong sense of self and awareness of their conscience. To choose right from wrong on their own because of their own convictions...Not because they are scared of being shamed or punished. Will they always do it? No! And there will be natural and logical consequences (hopefully geared towards their developmental age) for that, some times bigger and harder to swallow. But they'll learn from them!

I loved this book, I think it's exactly what I needed to read at this point. It has a lot of similar themes to the book Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline...But I found it a bit more straight forward and simple. I have been struggling so much so frustrated with some things. I firmly believe that God has dropped this book in my lap. That and an awesome article on anger in the Mothering Magazine. Screamfree parenting has given me a bit more of the big picture to this parenting puzzle I've been working through.

And with that nap time is done...Time to go get the girls ready for our pediatrician appointment!