Gratitude...Relief... Hope...

I've been thinking about "Sarah" a lot....Her name came up at a family gathering recently and I felt that twinge of sadness.

But I also felt a lot of relief. The divorce was final earlier in the spring, she got the house and splits custody. The kids are adjusting to the new "normal". 

Sarah's experience and watching (albeit from a distance) changed my life, maybe even (in some ways, not to sound dramatic) saved mine.


Because of her I did things this year, that I never ever would have. I took some (GIANT) steps of faith. And in so doing, have lead to doors in my family being opened.

Leaving church, stepping away, taking a break...Best move I ever made.

It was scary. It was a little embarrassing...But it was what I had to do and I'm so proud of myself.

I have mentioned in other posts that Hubs and I had made the decision to leave church for a time. It has been amazing. It has been such a blessing to pursue relationship, not religion.

I wish I could thank Sarah, maybe some day I will get to. I need to get Friendly down to bed....

Lighten Up!

I take myself too seriously. I can laugh at myself, but I still do take it all too seriously. I have a hard time lightening up.

I wish I could be the low key, laid back person I see myself as.

Most of the time I feel like I'm more of this on edge, drained, exhausted and verbally constipated person. Yes, verbally constipated.

I know I do a lot of things right. And there a lot of ideas and ideals I have, that I'm really just learning and grappling with what they mean for me.

And yet I'm in awe, why do these amazing little people love me so much? How are they so forgiving, giving. They always want to be with me. They think I'm like...better than sliced bread!

Friendly certainly thinks I taste way better than gross processed bread...At least she sure seems to for as much as I see her in this position!!!

I feel like I've spent the last six...erm, seven  years of my life doggie paddling. I have learned so much about myself. I have grown, a lot. But as much healing as has happened, I still feel a bit stuck. Kind of tripping over things, tangled and...waiting.

I wish I had the kind of brain that saw things clearly. That could look at a situation in a nice neat...Like this:

People with this kind of brain can explain things clearly. They know what they mean when it comes out of their mouths. They articulate things clearly. They see things in an organized fashion.


And then...There is my brain:

Funny, right?  My brain is a very emotional beast. I if I had to describe how I see things it would be exactly like this! Every thing has too many layers to it to be organized neatly. There are feelings, emotions, vibes (or whatever, things have feelings to them!)...It's not neat and tidy.
Hold on with me here, I know I take myself too seriously...I know I mull over things I can't change, or lament over things I should have done differently. I'm not always going to live up to all of them. If my kids can love me despite my inadaquecies...The fact that I dont' have all my act together. The fact that I don't have all the answers. The fact that I am still doggie paddling through life, kinda trying to figure out how I work... Becoming more aware of myself as a person... If they can love me, WELL WOW!!!!! I need to lighten up...But more importantly?

GRACE.

Jesus.

He has a dream for me, a hope for me...He (needs to be? should be? is?) my hope. And I am His child, His friend, His baby, His. 

And another thing, I was thinking about the girls  how every few months when I look back I think "Wow! They were such babies..." The same is true for me! I need to embrace where growth is happening, celebrate it! I need to celebrate the fact that I'm becoming more aware of who I am as a person, who God created me to be. I need to lighten up and realize, I'm never going to think like other people and that's okay.

It's also okay to try. to learn. to be. I struggle to communicate, especially more and more as words become important to my littles. I mean I'm pretty normal, I'm not a mute...I get by. Actually some in real life (if they know me really well) know me as a bit loquacious (vocab word, whoot whoot!). But when I get stressed or overwhelmed, WHOOSH they leave my brain and my tongue. Stuck: nothing comes out. It's been so frustrating to be overwhelmed trying to communicate verbally to my children and then try to simultaneously handle it physically (like redirecting with my hands full: never a good idea!).


And I'll say, knock my 3 year old off her tricycle. Yup, real winner of a moment this morning. (She was riding towards the center of the street and the only word that kept coming out was "Roo, side side side side side!!" In the midst of that I was right next to her trying to coax her back towards the side, while holding Friendly, a sippie, her doll and her baby doll stroller...I nudged Roo's trike handle bar with my knee and knocked the whole thing over! ugh).

Anyway, there is grace enough...seriously.

Bottom line, it always comes back to two things...The story of the past year. It all comes back to Horizontal and Vertical Parenting .I can't be the best with the horizontal people in my life, unless I'm plugged in vertically. 

I keep coming back to one of my favorite Newsboys songs:
(Light Up by Newsboys)

...Back and forth like a daytime drama
Up and down like a Yo-Yo Ma
Say there's gonna be days like this
Cause light and dark don't coexist


How ya gonna see through this fog
How ya gonna get back on course
Ya ain't never gonna feel the force
If ya don't connect to a power source
Cause ya been swapping out day for night
But ya see a lamp light burning bright
If ya get your flip-flops off the porch
We're passing you the torch


When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
We ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine


When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up


I was feeling all overcome
Had a faith gone dim and then some
Gotta call from a band of brothers
Turn the mic on, flash the Nikons
All the doubters, I heard them say,
Now the band's gonna fade away
But the boys are back for a second act
No excuses, we're lighting fuses
You're in the dawn of your finest hour
So get wired to the highest power
If you're down pick any sight
Get ready to ignite

chorus


When we walk in His footsteps
It's a brighter day
When we follow His word
He lights the way
When we lift up His banner
and raise it high
We light up the sky


When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up


chorus 2x

When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
If we ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine


Lyrics produced here for educational purposes only, as heard on http://www.facebook.com/newsboys.official. Lyrics are property and copywrite of their owners.




Bottom line... There's always grace enough! And also...It may look messy to me now. But in the end I know it's going to be beautiful.

And this is from my walk last night... It was pretty. and strangely messy too!

Happiest Toddler On the Block- a review, of sorts! Part One

Nursling...nursing, so 'scuse the typos!

I have bouts of introspection and then droughts of it. I can't go there, takes too much energy.

So I wait. Wait for the next round of- whatever- to break through...To process.

I'm currently reading Happiest Toddler On the Block. I have had it recommended to me SO many times. I have thought about getting it at the library SO many times.

Can I just say, it is so timely! I needed to read his wise, kind, and helpful words this week. I am only about half way through- so I can't speak for the whole book. What he says I've read in so many other parenting books. Really. But I think he simplifies it even more. He takes a lot of the concepts I loved about Screamfree Parenting, and Families Where Grace Is In Place and boils it down to a "Raising a Toddler for Dummies", or pretty close. Every thing suddenly feels a little more doable. Easy? no. But oh so practical. Some thing is clicking.

I'm sooo glad I read this book last! I really think I'm getting so much out of it because of the things that the other two books taught me.

Dr. Karp is so kind, so understanding about how difficult parenting toddlers is. He writes in such a way that I don't feel judged for being so overwhelmed and exhausted by my two toddlers.

I wish I had time to write as much as I'd like to, I have a lot to proccess! But here are the basics of what the book covers.

Part One: Toddler/Parent Basics. Dr. Karp pretty much breaks down why toddlers behave the way they do. He talks about how they aren't miniature children, they are maturing babies. He talks about how they are very similar to cavemen ages 1-4. The biggest thing that impacted me was that, as adults we think of our normal environment as our home. We're inside, we do our best to keep it tidy and safe. He points out that that is NOT what our toddlers think of as "normal". On the basic level, normal for them is being outside! They were meant to be playing in the dirt, feeling the wind and the sunshine. Not in a room with flat walls, toys that make lots of noise, TV input, radio, unnatural colors...etc.

Sounds basic, of course little children like to be outside! But I'd never thought about it quite like that.

Part Two: Toddler Communication Basics: Dr. Karp teaches two very basic and simple skills to communicate with your kids. I think it will really hone in my communication skills quite a bit.

Part Three: Behavior Basics: I haven't read this part but Karp gives ideas for lessening "red light" behavior, encouraging "green light" behavior, lessening "yellow light" (annoying) behavior.

Part Four: How Do I Handle This One?: Dr. Karp pretty much goes through the things he's already taught and how to apply the communication and discipline skill she taught in earlier parts.

I'm really excited to finish this one! I feel like I will be better able to handle situations that have really be overwhelming me. I love that Dr. Karp is focused on helping your toddler navigate toddlerhood intact. He encourages parents not to think of your parenting job description as "boss" but as "ambassador". I loved that! As a good ambassador to Toddler Land I need to learn the language (I'm probably using too many words). I need to learn some communication skills so my children don't feel bull dozed (which increases tantrum responses). As an ambassador it's my job to hold the boundaries "my country will not stand for that!" and tow the line. And to remember that today's enemy, is tomorrows friend. Not that Dr. Karp encourages that "us vs. them" mindset, but it's true...When we're locked in a conflict with our toddler, it's not about winning or losing...It's about maintaining relationship and I feel that Dr. Karps does a very good job of giving parents tools to do that.

I also really appreciated suggestions he gave to parents who are struggling. He points out that we really weren't meant to raise toddlers alone. We were meant to have community around us helping us...friends, family etc. lightening our load. Today's parents don't have that. Dr. Karp points out that the autonomous family is a dangerous thing. He says to look out into the community and find ways to help. But I think that whole subject deserves a post of its own.

Ways to be an Attachment Family with out being autonomous. Or perhaps: meeting your children in the middle: balance.

More soon!

A story not about Grace...Not at all..

First, Merry Belated Christmas...And Happy New Year to you and yours...


Friendly had a bad night. I am SO over bad nights. But while I laid awake (after giving up on sleep) I started thinking on this, and it was kind of keeping me up.

I was pondering my generation, in my family. Pondering what I've learned from the Mother's before me, and what I hope my daughters will learn from me. I hope I am never a cautionary tale.


I have a kind of distant relative, we'll call her Sarah, who has really been on my heart. Sarah met married her husband at Bible college. He was studying to become a pastor, and she a teacher. The got married, graduated and had a couple kids...In the midst of that he was pursuing his M. Div (masters of divinity) degree, and I believe an associate pastor at a small church. When he finished his degree they moved to another state a couple hundred miles away. They had another baby. They were super super involved in the church he was associate pastor at. They lived in a close knit Midwest town with long winters. She home schooled their children. On the outside they looked like the "perfect" Christian family. blegh. But things weren't so perfect, they never are, they aren't supposed to be. It came out that Sarah's husband was struggling with pornography. When he confessed this (and I assume asked for help) to the head pastor at his church, things turned ugly. Instead of grace he was shamed, not just privately but publicly and more or less fired from his position of associate pastor. It was a low blow, 4 children to care for and out of a job. Things were rough. I don't know all the details from that time. I don't claim to know what was going on in the relationships in that family, I just heard scattered whispered conversations from the grownups in the family, and from my cousin who was brave enough to ask what was going on.

There's more. He did find a job, and they got pregnant with baby number 5. There were complications the whole pregnancy and at at 21 or 22 weeks Sarah was hospitalized for pre-term labor. She was hospitalized for 5 weeks when a little girl just couldn't wait to be born and arrived weighing just 2lbs 10oz. Either was she was micro, teeny, tiny baby. She was a fighter.

2 months in the NICU and she was home. I can't imagine how stressful that time was for the family...Back and forth to the NICU daily, lots of hospital bills (though thankfully [?] baby was 1 oz under the limit where the state would cover the costs for her care, but there were still bills).

13mos later a little surprise arrived. A feisty, healthy, full term baby boy. Sarah had 6 children 2 under the age of one (technically) 10 mos (adjusted age) and a newborn. I don't know what the community was like surrounding her, I don't know if they rallied around her to support her. But I have a feeling that if they handled the things with her husband so horribly...Well either way, I'm sure it wasn't nearly enough. I can't imagine how heart wrenching those years must have been, how overwhelming!

And then...It was Christmas Eve, Sarah was making Christmas dinner and a fire broke out in the kitchen. Getting to be like a Lifetime Movie, no?

Thankfully no one was hurt, just a bit of fire damage on the one kitchen wall. The fire department came and had them ship shape and I assume they had a fairly nice Christmas...Then the new year broke. The insurance appraiser came to check out the fire damage and while there discovered mold. Mold all over the house. Toxic, rare, deadly mold. They had to be evacuated immediately... SIX months later still living in a hotel (and I won't even go into all the craziness of that time) a church in the area had a house come available that they could live in for a time. The insurance company kept dragging their feet, first they were going to just do a treatment to kill the mold. Then they couldn't. Then they refused because it would be too expensive...If you've ever tried to get money from insurance company for some thing odd, you know it can be like pulling teeth, and drag out for a LONG time. Well at least they had a place to stay so they could get back on their feet. What a time!

It eventually turned out the house (which wasn't that old) had to be condemned. They sold the property and decided to head east to be closer to family. They were burnt out, understatement. Sarah's husband got a job driving trucks: local routes. And she started teaching full-time in a (very very very legalistic) Christian School, her children (the youngest 2 staying with grandma since they weren't yet school age), were able to attend with reduced tuition (ridiculous!). They also had to attend the church that was part of the school. It was a crazy few years. The school treated Sarah horribly, she had to be at every school event (even the elementary productions even though she taught high school math), and she had to attend services and be involved in a ministry. This on top of parenting 6 children and the HUGE amount of work involved in being a teacher (even for a moderately sized Christian school).

Long story short (and a few years into this grueling merry go round), Sarah snapped. She had stopped being a wife to her husband some time before, they lived as room mates. She quit her job at the school and got 2 part time jobs, trying to make ends meet. Her new jobs were better for her, the one job kept her physically active and she lost quite a bit of weight. She started an affair. She filed for divorce. Sarah still lives with her husband (it takes 2 years generally from start of divorce hearings etc) she technically isn't supposed to be living in the same house as her husband, but she has no where else to go...And I think in some ways she feels that she deserves the house after the hell she's been through, she won't leave, and neither will he... The 4 children they have left at home are stuck in the middle.

It's a tough situation. Sarah's husbands family are appalled and heartbroken by her behavior. They are angry at her and are not speaking to her.

I'm not angry at her. I want to cry for her.

What is wrong with these "Christians"? She endured abuse after abuse and when she realized those around her who were supposed to love and support her, and help her carry her burdens, were judging, and pulling her deeper...She acted out and broke free. Did she make good choices? No. But given the hell she'd been through, they make a lot of sense.

What breaks my heart is that she, and her children have a skewed view of grace, of God...Or Jesus.

Her story breaks my heart. I wish I could reach out, I am waiting for a chance to reach out and say "I'm so sorry, you deserved so much better." There is so much more that I would want to say to her too, and I hope I'll some day get a chance.

There are some things I really wanted to talk about in closing...But a snow storm is on the way and I need to run and grab some groceries.

I'll write my conclusion soon...There are some things I wanted to talk about. Generations, the things we learn from them...How I hope I, and my generation, will be different than the ones before us. There were so many things that women just took, still take because "that's what you do", especially in Christian circles. I'll write more soon.

Vertical and Horizontal Parenting Part One

This is me processing some things... I recently finished reading Families Where Grace Is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen. It is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to any one raising a family! I am going to discuss some of the ideas and principles he talks about in his book.

I also recently read (did I finish? hm.) Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline by Becky A Bailey Ph.D.

That book is also amazing, I definitely recommend it. But I struggled in my reading of it. While the principles she presents in her book are good, moral and healthy principles. I felt overwhelmed with all the goals she sets out for the reader, the parent. Her tag line is, "You can't teach what you don't know."

Very true. Her goal is to teach the parent new skills to use in disciplining themselves, so they can in turn discipline their children. And while I got some great tools, and a new understanding about some of my attitudes and how they can effect my children,. I still felt very overwhelmed.

It kind of could be described like this:

Would I be able to carry out these things fully? No. Not to say that means I'm going to ditch the ideas and principles because they are impossible to perfect. I just left the book feeling insecure.


And then God grabbed me. I've had so many questions for Him the last 6 years. I've had this big 'ol pile of things I was trying to untangle even before I had kids...And then I became a parent and the pile grew. How was I going to do this? How were my children going to grow up under my care and leave respectably unscathed? Maybe even a bit more on the whole and healthy side then...not.

HOW HOW HOW???

I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. It really is simple. The world was perfect, man and woman were perfect and whole.


God and man were in perfect relationship. Man was perfect. Genesis 3 talks about how God walked in the garden, He was very close with his creation. But that wasn't good enough for man, and he (general "man/he" female implied.) and human tried to meet their needs some where else. Genesis 3:6 says When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

She saw there was more beyond perfection, she wanted some thing besides God... And with that was the fall of mankind. Our sin separated us from God. He laid out a whole beautiful story of how He called us back to Him. He chose a people (Israel) and all through the Old Testament, called to them. Gave them laws - a way to temporarily rid themselves of sin. But it didn't remove the guilt. The sin was always there waiting, and they had to continue to rid themselves of sin. They had to follow His Law very carefully. I don't have the time or space to go into all the details in this post but there were a LOT of things they had to do. All those rituals and sacrifices were reminders...That they were His people, and that He was one day going to send a doctor to heal their sin. All those commandments and sacrifices were a picture, a shadow of the Redemption He would send. First to His people Israel (also known as the Jews) and then to the rest of the world (known in Bible-speak: gentiles).



So we were separated. Death entered the world. And even now, we are all born separated from God...We can chose to live life separated, and eventually we die. That empty needy place will never be filled by any thing but God




When Adam and Eve ate that fruit, the consequences meant that we'd all be born into sin.

To keep it simple: the doctor for sin was Jesus. God sent His son and He was tortured and killed at the hand of a His people. He died for them, to overcome death. You can read about it here. But pretty much as crazy as what happened sounds: Jesus became the bridge back to God...So that we could live in relationship with him.

The veil of sin that was hanging between us and God was torn. And if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. But the greatest perk of stepping beyond the veil of sin? We are free of guilt! God now, as mind blowing as it may seem, sees us as perfect. Not "sinners saved by grace", but fully and completely redeemed. We're back in the garden in His eyes, we're free. Now the New Testament talks a bit about this...But if you have any questions email me... My point is, God is now the one to fill that empty needy hole, He is the only one who can.

And yet, we walk around with this knowledge, we believe in the saving power of Jesus. But try to make ourselves LOOK healed. Whatever we view as "good" and "positive" we fill ourselves up with.

And with that...I will close Part One...Will link to Part Two when I get it written!! Stay tuned.