Happiest Toddler On the Block- a review, of sorts! Part One

Nursling...nursing, so 'scuse the typos!

I have bouts of introspection and then droughts of it. I can't go there, takes too much energy.

So I wait. Wait for the next round of- whatever- to break through...To process.

I'm currently reading Happiest Toddler On the Block. I have had it recommended to me SO many times. I have thought about getting it at the library SO many times.

Can I just say, it is so timely! I needed to read his wise, kind, and helpful words this week. I am only about half way through- so I can't speak for the whole book. What he says I've read in so many other parenting books. Really. But I think he simplifies it even more. He takes a lot of the concepts I loved about Screamfree Parenting, and Families Where Grace Is In Place and boils it down to a "Raising a Toddler for Dummies", or pretty close. Every thing suddenly feels a little more doable. Easy? no. But oh so practical. Some thing is clicking.

I'm sooo glad I read this book last! I really think I'm getting so much out of it because of the things that the other two books taught me.

Dr. Karp is so kind, so understanding about how difficult parenting toddlers is. He writes in such a way that I don't feel judged for being so overwhelmed and exhausted by my two toddlers.

I wish I had time to write as much as I'd like to, I have a lot to proccess! But here are the basics of what the book covers.

Part One: Toddler/Parent Basics. Dr. Karp pretty much breaks down why toddlers behave the way they do. He talks about how they aren't miniature children, they are maturing babies. He talks about how they are very similar to cavemen ages 1-4. The biggest thing that impacted me was that, as adults we think of our normal environment as our home. We're inside, we do our best to keep it tidy and safe. He points out that that is NOT what our toddlers think of as "normal". On the basic level, normal for them is being outside! They were meant to be playing in the dirt, feeling the wind and the sunshine. Not in a room with flat walls, toys that make lots of noise, TV input, radio, unnatural colors...etc.

Sounds basic, of course little children like to be outside! But I'd never thought about it quite like that.

Part Two: Toddler Communication Basics: Dr. Karp teaches two very basic and simple skills to communicate with your kids. I think it will really hone in my communication skills quite a bit.

Part Three: Behavior Basics: I haven't read this part but Karp gives ideas for lessening "red light" behavior, encouraging "green light" behavior, lessening "yellow light" (annoying) behavior.

Part Four: How Do I Handle This One?: Dr. Karp pretty much goes through the things he's already taught and how to apply the communication and discipline skill she taught in earlier parts.

I'm really excited to finish this one! I feel like I will be better able to handle situations that have really be overwhelming me. I love that Dr. Karp is focused on helping your toddler navigate toddlerhood intact. He encourages parents not to think of your parenting job description as "boss" but as "ambassador". I loved that! As a good ambassador to Toddler Land I need to learn the language (I'm probably using too many words). I need to learn some communication skills so my children don't feel bull dozed (which increases tantrum responses). As an ambassador it's my job to hold the boundaries "my country will not stand for that!" and tow the line. And to remember that today's enemy, is tomorrows friend. Not that Dr. Karp encourages that "us vs. them" mindset, but it's true...When we're locked in a conflict with our toddler, it's not about winning or losing...It's about maintaining relationship and I feel that Dr. Karps does a very good job of giving parents tools to do that.

I also really appreciated suggestions he gave to parents who are struggling. He points out that we really weren't meant to raise toddlers alone. We were meant to have community around us helping us...friends, family etc. lightening our load. Today's parents don't have that. Dr. Karp points out that the autonomous family is a dangerous thing. He says to look out into the community and find ways to help. But I think that whole subject deserves a post of its own.

Ways to be an Attachment Family with out being autonomous. Or perhaps: meeting your children in the middle: balance.

More soon!

Love Thyself...Part One (Edited)

I think this is the area most Mamas struggle with. Especially Mamas who believe and practice the ideas behind Attachment Parenting. Yes, yes...Balance and all that. But how does that work exactly? It's so easy to say, this is only a season... they are only so small for such a short time...this too shall pass... I've said it all myself, still do. And I definitely believe that all of those reasons are valid.

But really where is the balance?

Is it all about them, or is some of it about us? Deep down I think sometimes we get competitive. We want to be the best Mama on the block. We want our children to be the most well adjusted, healthiest and happiest kiddos any one has ever met. We strive for perfection! In a job that has doubtful and sporadic positive feed back. Sure the sweet gummy grins can get ya a bit high. But the constructive feed back of most other jobs, just doesn't happen much in the Mama Work Place. When was the last time some one said "you're doing a great job"? And how often does that happen? Not often.

And then on the other side of all that, some times we're just so entrenched in survival mode. Living in the tunnel zombie vision of the get-me-through-today-land, we can't see where changes need to be made. It is a season, really. But I think those times are when we need to turn inward even more. We need to be a little selfish. Okay, hold on it's Corny: but we need to love ourselves. Especially for those of us who aren't really sure when "this season" will end. Will I have 2 kids? or 5 kids? The number of children = more years doing some intense Mothering.

ScreamFree....

So I mentioned ScreamFree Parenting in a recent post, and I'm still mulling over the things I read. So much. The big theme of the book was that in moments of conflict you need to focus on yourself first. Not on the other persons behavior. I believe the author really understands parent-child attachment, and it's importance and impact on the future relationships the child has as an adult. But he doesn't stress about this. His point seemed to be that parents to stop worrying about how they are parenting, and just enjoy their children. Learning to enjoy your children means not worrying about spoiling them. Now, I don't mean in letting them "run wild", boundaries and relevant consequences are important. But especially when you are parenting a baby, stop worrying about whether they are going to manipulate you. Or take over your life...Stop stressing! Enjoy this fleeting season, love on them, snuggle them, suck up all the time you can with them. Enjoying means avoiding formulas in your parenting (if I do x then y will obviously ALWAYS follow). And most importantly owning your own feelings, and allowing your children to own theirs.

What was my point? Ooh right, in the book he also talks about love. He mentions this passage in the Bible


Mark 12: 28-31

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”
“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[f] The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

So here is how I've commonly heard it broken down. What loving God with all your heart,mind, strength and soul looks like: God, Family, Other

God (Most pastors are emphatic: quiet bible study! Church fellowship! Ministry [ministry, ministry, ministry, ministry])

Family (Marriage THEN kids. Focus on your marriage, don't let the kids get in the way!)

Others (whatever is left over goes here...)

That's not what these verses are saying.

1. Loving the Lord your God with all your heart mind and soul means WALKING IN RELATIONSHIP. God does have black and whites. He has absolute truths and laws written into the fabric of the universe (gravity for example). But how He relates to us is anything but black and white! Love Him by inviting Him into your day, moment by moment. Listen and look for Him in situations. Love Him by asking Him what He thinks. He doesn't chop our life up into "this then that, and this and that" He wants to RELATE with us. To show you as the situations come (I mean all working with in the laws and principles He's created...But you catch my drift!).

2. Love your neighbor as yourself. Do we REALLY do this? It is interchangeable! We have to love ourselves to be able to love our neighbor. Runkel talked about how self-hatred is some thing people in eastern cultures do not understand. But in western society we have tons of shrinks making a mint for dealing with all of the self-hatred we carry around.

Do we treat ourselves as well as our children? He gave the example of filling them up with a stale donut and old coffee, or junk food.

AP...?

Now here's where it gets tricky, and I'm trying to feel this out, so bear with me...

We aren't responsible for our children, they are their own people and make their own choices. But we do have a responsibility to them. We have a responsibility to be sure we're meeting their physical and emotional needs- especially when they are small and helpless, and rely fully on us. In meeting our needs and loving ourselves, we can't ignore the responsibility we have to our littles in that area. Loving ourselves can't be excused in leaving our infant with strangers for a 2 week joy ride because we needed to "love on ourselves more". Babies rely on and understand their attachment to us way more than our Western culture gives them credit for.

But on the flip side, especially as parents who (agh I hate to use labels but for the sake of being too loquacious, I'll just bite it) ...Especially as Attachment Parenting (AP) parents who want our children to be secure, confident, interdependent, strong, and emotionally and physically whole in every way...What is really for THEM, and what is really more about us? What is truly necessary for their physical and emotional well being... And what is just our fear driving us? Our fear that we will mess up our kids, that they or others will blame us for how they turn out later in life? I think we can use the label "Attachment Parenting" as some thing to hide behind. As a formula of sorts that will gaurentee our children will turn out okay. There are no gaurentees.

I think our focus needs to be less on every thing else, all the "what ifs" and more on ourselves... What will meet every ones needs? What are we doing to take care of ourselves? I think in trying to combat the selfish "it's all about me" and "I'm not going to let kids change me" and other adversarial attitude in our western culture I have ignored the importance of self-care. Of focusing inward and acknowledging my feelings in situations, for the sake of my children.

Some thing to ponder ...I'll have to get back to you, part 2 to come soon! Right now the hubby wants to snuggle up and watch a Chickflick with me...And I'm not going to pass that up!!!

Interesting Look at baby Bonding...

This is a beautiful post on how a Mom of 5 bonded differently with each of her children. I loved reading it!

I have had VERY different experience with my littles. And even almost 3 years into this thing I'm realizing how the bonding continues. Just because it's ugly or hard "now" doesn't mean it will be for life.

Just wanted to share.

One more post today and then off to enjoy a few minutes of Thursday night TV with the hubby before I pass out! :0)

Balance This Way...Balance That Way...

It's incredible to me how life with littles is always changing. They are always changing so I guess it makes sense. Yet, it still catches me by surprise....That "why isn't this working??" moment always ending with the "ooooh duh, the game changed and I'm the last to find out." over and over, so humbling. On the bright side, it keeps things interesting!

Along with pondering what my "true, essential, and simple" priorities are. I've been thinking on balance. I have made some kind of big changes in my life this past summer. Some really positive and healthy things, and it's made some things more focused and clear for me. I have also faced some hard realities of "what is, is what is". As my littlest moves into more independence I've been thinking on this more and more.

I credit Dr. Larry Cohen (Playful Parenting- read it!) for this idea, It's never my intention to parent "fairly" but to meet every ones needs.

But needs, neeeds neeeeeds. There are so many at these ages! It truly is exhausting. And as they get bigger, I find it harder and harder to meet my needs. I thought the opposite would be true! Before it was (and still is to a large extent) emotionally draining. Now it's just physically and mentally exhausting. Now nothing is safe. #1 recently figured out how to open our old antique door knobs (a tricky thing for some adults so this is an impressive new milestone)...Thankfully none of them have locks so she can't lock herself in some place random. But it does mean she and her little sister can get into a lot of trouble together! When I think they are safe and separated, well I just can't assume such things any more. And I can no longer assume that I can use the bathroom and think no one will be able to join me. :0.
Or that the baby I left in the baby proofed room with the door closed while I take a 2 minute shower, will stay there. Or the toddler I had penned off in the playroom will be there while I take said shower. Working out, getting meals, getting out the door, doing any thing is so complicated at this point with two littles running different directions. And I mean RUNNING different directions.

And while I know that more baby proofing is in order, it simply isn't an option at this point. We will be moving in a few months and I will be doing every thing to simplify and safety-fy like crazy...But for now it's a lot of worry , and a lot of work.

And the things that I used to think were so important and essential in my parenting curriculum, when I just had #1...Or even a few months ago before #2 got so adventurous and busy. The mother I thought I was "back then" and the one I am today some times leaves me scratching my head (and laughing at my current ridiculous and fuzzy brained self).
I guess what I'm saying is there is "the way" and "person" I wish I could always be to my children. And the reality of what is. Because in the end, I'm just one person...Though my goal is to meet their needs: it isn't always possible and some one (whether it be me, we, or one of them) ends up losing just a little. And realizing that really is what balance is...You give 100%, and realize you aren't necessarily going to come out with that A+ on the other side of certain situations, and that's okay.

And I had more I wanted to say. And I'm not sure this made much sense. But a wall of exhaustion just hit hard. I have a very painfully plugged milk duct and am feeling weak and yucky... Mastitis looming? I sincerely hope not. Off to rest my tired body!

Parenting Hissy Fit

I came across this blog post. So good, couldn't agree more.

Feels so unattainable. I swear I'm 2 years old. Seriously, I'm only 2.5 years old in this parenting thing and I feel like I'm acting it.

Is that possible?

Will my poor oldest be doomed to grow along with Mommie?

Okay so I know it can't just be me. A friend whose daughter is a month older than Ri said some thing similar recently. I don't think I've ever wanted to throw more tantrums than I do these days. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

And I will not sit on the floor and bang my fists and howl.

It hasn't been a bad day. But all the days run together and are wearing me down.

I think the most frustrating thing is how helpless I feel some times. I'll be nursing Amity, she'll finally be drifting off for her afternoon catnap. And Riley does some thing so 2-years-oldish and not necessarily dangerous but more of the "Oh boy the MESS I'm going to have to clean up." kind of thing. And I can't say any thing. I have to pretend not to see what she's doing becuase if I say some thing like "Oh don't play with that Riley" I will have to follow through and get up and remove her. So I get a sleeping baby, but the extra mess is frustrating.

Or just the past 5 minutes. I hear Amity stir, I race upstairs, she hasn't made enough noise to wake her sister...The room is pitch black, I run in scoop her up and race out. We are just 2 steps from the door and I hear this loud "BANG". Amity had found some thing (a book? a toy?) hard in our bed and grabbed before I picked herup...Then proceded to drop it on the stepstool by Riley's bed. *bang head into wall* Riley woke up crying. I got to the door and whispered desperately and firmly "Riley go back to sleep!"

She's not ready to get up if she's waking up crying, she just isn't.

It's been 5 minutes, she fussed for a minute and I haven't heard any thing. I'm holding my breath she fell back to sleep. The girl is growing and has been needing longer naps lately. Solace, those naps, solace.

But again, lack of control. It's always some thing, nothing ever goes as planned...It's almost like I have to trick plans into going right "See here plan? I want you to go this way, see?" (but really secretly under my breath "please go the opposite of that, okay?").

I'm sure some uber-organized Mama is reading this and thinking "Well, if you'd just get your act together and follow a strict schedule you wouldn't be pulling your hair out."

To that, I stick out my tongue. Schedules don't work... I have tried them. I do have pretty set routines, but they are constantly changing every few weeks/months...Because my kids are constantly changing.

This is discussed in Motherhood Stress and with that I'm going to have to close. I just heard Riley up there crying.

Okay now I will throw my hissy fit. too-short nap for my toddler, this afternoon is going to be beautiful.

Motherhood Stress Part One

by Deborah Shaw Lewis

So (confession) I got this book from my local LLL library... a year ago. Every time I've left for meeting I had the kids all loaded up and we'd be a block from the house and I'd go "Ooh the book!! Shoot, I am already running late. I'll remember next month!" I missed a few meetings during cold and flu season, or the car was in the shop.

A year later and it's getting ridiculous, I need to return it. This morning I remembered that I had it and determined this is the last month I will have the book in my house. I dug it out of the cupboard it's been sitting in for over 9mos. And went to put it in the van so that I CAN NOT forget! And I started thinking...

I mentioned in a quick post a few days ago about how burnt out I am. The feeling hasn't changed. Amity is learning to walk, and with that has massive separation anxiety. I mean above and beyond what it was before. I remember this was THE most intense time with Riley in her first year (though it was earlier because she was already walking full time at this point). Once she figured out the walking thing she calmed down a lot and things evened out. I am praying (erm begging.) that this happens for Amity. 90% of the time I feel like I'm coping okay. But there are some absolute insane hours of the day that I feel like I'm going to snap.

Clingy toddler. Clingy baby. Always feeling like I'm behind and never getting anywhere.

When I pulled out this book this morning I decided I needed to give it a re-read.

In the first few pages she tells a story of how she was hanging out with another Mom-friend who was told by her doctor that she was too stressed (her hair was falling out). She said some thing like, "I don't know why I'm stressed, it's not like I work, I'm just a Mom."

The author comes around to explain how she was preparing a lecture (she had 5 kids and gave night lectures/taught at a local college 2 evenings a week) entitled "Playing with Kids All Day': Job Stress in Early Childhood Education."

Her lecture notes:

• an excess of novelty and uncertainty
• lack of control
• high expectations
• no clear guidelines or measure of success
• frustrations
• low status and low pay
• poor accountability
• ideals versus reality

She goes through the book discussing each of these issues and other things like ...The causes and effects of motherhood stress. Ways to find balance and take care of yourself and relieve some of that stress...What Fathers can do to relieve motherhood stress.

I'm going to read this again and post a full review...Or at least a few posts on the subject. It's some thing I really want to think about. I definitely need some tools for surviving (and maybe even possibly finding more joy in???) the next few years.

I hope it gets easier. I'm hoping I can find a better balance for where I'm at right now. Or maybe I just need a new perspective? But I am seriously going to have hair issues too if some thing doesn't change.

I promise local LLL, I will return this book in August...But before then I'm diving in to it again.