Friday, May 29, 2009

One of THOSE days.

The kind where you feel suffocated from so many different things.

You're growing belly is getting so heavy with baby it feels like a monumental task to roll over at night. You wake up after 4 hours of sleep (a good long stretch) to use the bathroom and as you struggle back into bed and try to find a position where baby isn't shoving a foot into a rib or hiccuping against your hip bone your mind is suddenly hit with all these thoughts of the future, the present and the past. You lay there desperate for sleep but suffocated with all these thoughts for 2 hours...Finally giving up when you start to get heart burn because you're hungry.

6am and you've been awake 3.5 hours- you know if you fall back to sleep your toddler will be up soon pressing her little face against yours and asking for "mama" to wake up. Wanting breakfast.. Your day will be full of constant messes, meltdowns, piles of laundry to sort and dishes to clean and boo boos to kiss and more messes to pick up. Around 10 months old you realized there is no point in picking up untill the baby is down for the night. 7 months later When you're 30 weeks pregnant you are glad you came to this conclusion. Let the trash she found in the kitchen, the books and toys she pulled out of place, and the snacks she trailed all over the living room and dining room wait- it's too painful to bend over- skip it.

Yes, painting a bleak picture...I'm not looking through lenses where I can see the beautiful things about being a Mother today. Like I said, it's one of THOSE days. The kind where you let your toddler eat crap and watch waaaay too much elmo- you jsut don't care today. The kind of day where you snap and scream at the dog for stepping on your foot, or just getting under foot (or under belly, can't see that small dog ergh!!!), snap at your toddler for whining and wish the world would just go away for a few hours so you can sleeep.

I am so ready to be done being pregnant...That's the hardest thing about a unexpected pregnancy- of course you are GLAD, you feel so blessed that God would give you this gift...But that doesn't mean you're always thankful, some days I'm down right angry about it...Not the baby exactly..I can't wait to hold him/her and nurse a new baby, cuddle and smell and feel that amazing new baby every thing. But I was "supposed" to have more time with RJ, I was supposed to be feeling good right now, not big fat and uncomfortable. Not losing sleep because a DIFFERENT baby is keeping me awake...The kind of day where the presence in your tummy makes you feel suffocated, both because a foot is lodged in your lung, and partly because ..Well because. You wonder what were you thinking signing up for this job?!?! Were you really really truely excited when the extra line appeared on the pregnancy test? Waaaay back in the day when the nights were yours and you could get in the car at a moments notice with out having to make sure diapers are clean and clothing is warm (or cool) enough, snacks are in hand (for both of you) and water bottles (sippies) are full????

And I have a whining toddler at my leg who has watched her 3rd? 4th? 5th? episode of Sesame street and is crying because Elmo finished his song and she knows the show is over.

Yup, just one of those days.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

A Great Loss!

So I heard last week from my current midwife that the old midwife group (CNM's) has been banned from practicing AT ALL in LHV Hospital!!! Well I heard on mothering and another site that it turns out Laurice attended a successful breech delivery (some thing CNM's aren't "allowed" to do) and the hospital has kicked her and Tina out!!! They are no longer allowed to practice at all. :0(

Now I have my own hangups with The Midwives. Not that I don't respect a lot of what Laurice does- her passion for woman's health is unequaled. BUT I did end up with a c/s under her care- a c/s I feel might have been avoided- though I admit RJ was in an awful position but there are things that we could have tried that MIGHT have worked. The more I research and learn I feel like my c/s could have been avoided with better prenatal education. She never told me about spinningbabies or tried any of their techinques on me to get my daughter into a better position. And though they mentioned in the last appointment or two that RJ was "head down but slightly posterior" they didn't stress to me [a first time mother] how I really really needed to work to get her in the best position- or gave me tools to DO IT (besides saying to make sure I "spend time on your hands and knees"- how much time?? WHY?? Any thing else???) .

Maybe I had too high of expectations of what they would be like during labor. But I have met SO many mothers who have been under their care and raved about Laurice, and how hands on she was during labor (and she and Tina were with me the entire night which I appreciated, that really did mean a lot!!) the things they tried to do "to get baby to turn" (they had me laying on my sides in bed and discouraged being up moving, and I did about 30 minutes on my knees hugging the birth ball- ha!) really from what I've seen on spinning babies wouldn't do a thing- there are so many other things they could have tried, should have tried if they were serious about getting my labor back on track.

Ah well hindsite is always 20/20 right?

ANYWAY, regardless of my feelings about how they handled MY labor with RJ I still really respect their work- and I know that they have helped thousands of woman and attended many many many VBAC's giving woman the options they want (as much as possible in a big busy hospital)...They have truely been an advocate.

You can read the threads on the sites

Here and Here

I am considering writing a letter to the addresses in the first link and hopefully LHVH will change their mind.

If they can't find a hospital to practice in it really will be a great loss on this front in our area!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pushed and Pulled- Women's right to Choose

And I'm not talking about abortion. I believe that life starts at conception, no and if or buts about it. It is a BABY. If you got pregnant you already made your choice- you choose to have sex and that's what can happen when you make that CHOICE.

No, I'm talking about woman's right to choose what is done with her body when pregnant and giving birth. I think that we live in a country full of extremely ignorant people. Television and the media are in our home bombarding us with images of things gone wrong, we rarely hear the good stuff, and we're so busy we don't have time to dig out the good stuff. Add that to the fact that in our day-to-day life we are surrounded by horror stories- some one always has one. It's easier to just believe what's in our bubble of expierience, than open our eyes and ask if "this is it".

I'll be honest, I have my own horror story- it could have been worse- and it had a semi happy ending (baby was okay, but I have a giant scar and am now labled as a risk, for the rest of my child bearing years). . I admit I wasn't as informed and educated as I thought I was when I went into the hospital to have my daughter. I knew a lot, but what I didn't know is how your body takes over and your brain stops working when you're in labor land... You can't advocate for yourself, you're at the mercy of those caring for you.

RJ's birth left me thinking, "is this my only choice??? To be strapped to constant fetal monitoring and told when and what I can and can't do while giving birth- this it IT?!?" (because I'm a VBAC Mom my rights have been restricted so that the hospital can cover it's butt...I mean "keep me safe")

And in essence, legally, it WAS my only choice. In my state finding an alternative to a big hospital birth is nearly impossible... And if it weren't for online communities and a series of fortunate events- I would still be stuck with one choice: hospital birth.

Now, I want to preface this by saying I am not against a hospital birth. If the woman feels safer in the hospital she should absolutely choose that way to give birth. I honestly thought I would feel safer in the hospital with my daughter... I thought of maybe doing a home birth some day...But I wanted to "go through it once" before trying that route- and honestly like I said it's HARD to find some one to attend a home birth in my area of the country. So I went through it, I went through constricting regulations and protocol...When things varied from the normal route (my labor stalled) I was jabbed with an IV of pitocen, strapped to my bed so my contractions and baby could be monitored, and left to "manage my pain" laying flat in bed (yea really working with gravity to work my baby down through my pelvis...I was told that "gravity really doesn't matter" and to stay on my side, upright wasn't gonna do any good)...I knew I didn't want all THIS. I knew that gravity DID help- but when you are in that much pain, have been up all night and your body has been working HARD, you're not thinking "oh they're wrong I should tell them to leave me alone"...You're just thinking, "I want this baby out NOW!". When the pitocen was more than I could handle (Pitocen is like transition contractions times 10= HELL!!!!!!!!), I was told that I'd need an epidural- I really didn't want one but I couldn't handle any more pain and the other drugs weren't cutting it. I got the epidural and the pitocen was turned up... Which caused my baby's heart rate to become erratic which lead to an "emergency" csection.

I decided after that experience, I wanted to choose something different. I wanted to be safe at home while in labor- I wanted to let my body do what it needed to, no time crunch, no desire to get me through the process as quickly as possible. But I don't appreciate the medical community thinking that my CHOICE is dangerous and ignorant. I have done my homework, I am well aware of the risks and I have chosen to stay home to have my baby. Under the care of an expeirenced and trained hand of a home-birth midwife.

Anyway, all that to say that this interview kinda made me angry: at least at the OB

part one

part two

I appreciated this interview, it's some thing that needs a lot more attention. There are WAY too many restrictions on birth in our country. I don't have time to go into all the things I wanted to but I highly recommend the book "Pushed" it talks a lot about these things. The problems within our health care system, my husband can trace it way back in history and it all comes down to money and control... Simple changes aren't really going to do it, the problem is deep.

I just feel so frustrated that what that OB was sharing in the interview is the opinion of the majority of health professionals in our country... They are scared, they have seen things go horribly wrong. BUT what lenses are they looking through this at? Birth as a normal natural process that isn't as painful when fear isn't present? Or Birth as some thing that needs to be mangaged- and accident waiting to happen. If it's the latter than of course they are going to see more things go wrong! You get what you ask for, if you're looking for problems? You're going to get them.

I really apreciate Ricky Lakes work for women. There is so much need for education, this country needs to start seeing birth as natural and normal thing- instead of an accident waiting to happen.

I looooved this commercial- it's for a mattress in Spain.. Home birth is so normal that they are using it to sell a mattress!!!!

Here's the LINK to the commercial

Also check out The Busines Of Being Born trailer- it's a great movie, I wish all women in America could watch it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

I miss...

my breastmilk. I miss prolactin. Ah warm fuzzy happy hormone I took you for granted!!! I took the peaceful mothery feelings you gave me, the calmness and patience you imparted- all that for granted. I didn't realize how much you helped untill you left me. I really don't like my daughter much when you aren't around. :0/

SO... I think my lack of any thing near patience is in part due to the fact that I'm getting really pregnant. I mean uncomfortably preggo. My belly is aching, my pelvis is constantly being beaten and attacked by a fiesty little head. And also due to the fact that my lovely milk making prolactin has left me. I really really really don't like this stage of pregnancy. My fuse is so so so so short. It really scares me some times.

I miss enjoying my "baby". I hate how every one keeps reminding me she's not a "baby" any more- she IS a baby... She does not think like a child, she certainly doesn't act like a child 90% of the time, she's still such a baby...And I want to enjoy my last 3 months with just her. I hate how this pregnancy is changing everything. I hate that I can't enjoy her as much as I want becuase a lot of the time it is all being drowned out by what feels like sheer hatred for my nursling. Seriously HATRED when she nurses some times. Especially when I'm touched out. Today I nursed her when she woke up from her waaaay too short nap... It had been an extremely busy day after a hard night. She fell asleep in the car and I brought her in to the house laid her down- she woke up!!! I nursed her untill I couldn't any more and then I laid next to her and held her, then I rolled away from her... Nope she wasn't going to go back to sleep. After 25 minutes of trying to pretend I was sleeping she wasn't having any thing of it- she was fussing and laying in bed AWAKE. I was sooo annoyed. I left her in her bedroom to cry for a few minutes while I got the groceries out of the car and warmed up some lunch for her... I went up and got her and fed her and she's been watching sesame street ever since...I feel guilty for letting her watch ANOTHER episode (she alreayd watched a full one this morning)- but I've HAD it.

Seriously some times I just want to wean her and be done- cut her off get her to leave me alone. But honestly blaming breastfeeding for all this isn't truely fair. I am not really angry at the fact that I'm still breastfeeding, it's uncomfortable but it's nothing like it was in the early days when it was her soul source of nourishment... Oh those torturous feedings- THEY were bad, they are the reason I have massive scars.

No, I'm angry that every thing is changing... Changing when I didn't think it was going to fo r a long time yet. And all the changes are exhausting- I know I'm being stretched into my new role, mother of TWO... But all the stretching hurts. I don't remember it being so intense with RJ. All the emotional craziness is really draining.

Well I am going to drink some more water try to get RJ down for a late afternoon nap, and then ... I don't know...I need to exercise. I'm trying to do 2 miles with Leslie Sansone and 20 minutes of prenatal yoga exercises to help baby get in a good position.

I jus tneeded to vent.

I was thinking about some thing else... A friend of mine is pregnant with their first child, she's due in a couple of weeks and I was just looking at their maternity pictures- beautiful. I look at them all glowing and excited to meet their new baby... And I remember Ryan and I - and I feel a little jealous of their newness. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into that point, that point of cluelessness. Becuase those newborn days are intense, they change your entire life. And I think as I prepare for this new baby I look back at my first days with RJ and ... I dont' know nastalgia, nausea, and anxiety all just overwhelm me. I can't wait to hold my new baby, I can't wait... But at the same time I am dreading it... I am dreading all the changes... All the newness, of trying to learn and understand a completely new human being. First-time parents will never understand waht they are getting htemselves into, and it's the way it should be- other wise I don't think we'd procreate!!!