Friday, May 29, 2009

One of THOSE days.

The kind where you feel suffocated from so many different things.

You're growing belly is getting so heavy with baby it feels like a monumental task to roll over at night. You wake up after 4 hours of sleep (a good long stretch) to use the bathroom and as you struggle back into bed and try to find a position where baby isn't shoving a foot into a rib or hiccuping against your hip bone your mind is suddenly hit with all these thoughts of the future, the present and the past. You lay there desperate for sleep but suffocated with all these thoughts for 2 hours...Finally giving up when you start to get heart burn because you're hungry.

6am and you've been awake 3.5 hours- you know if you fall back to sleep your toddler will be up soon pressing her little face against yours and asking for "mama" to wake up. Wanting breakfast.. Your day will be full of constant messes, meltdowns, piles of laundry to sort and dishes to clean and boo boos to kiss and more messes to pick up. Around 10 months old you realized there is no point in picking up untill the baby is down for the night. 7 months later When you're 30 weeks pregnant you are glad you came to this conclusion. Let the trash she found in the kitchen, the books and toys she pulled out of place, and the snacks she trailed all over the living room and dining room wait- it's too painful to bend over- skip it.

Yes, painting a bleak picture...I'm not looking through lenses where I can see the beautiful things about being a Mother today. Like I said, it's one of THOSE days. The kind where you let your toddler eat crap and watch waaaay too much elmo- you jsut don't care today. The kind of day where you snap and scream at the dog for stepping on your foot, or just getting under foot (or under belly, can't see that small dog ergh!!!), snap at your toddler for whining and wish the world would just go away for a few hours so you can sleeep.

I am so ready to be done being pregnant...That's the hardest thing about a unexpected pregnancy- of course you are GLAD, you feel so blessed that God would give you this gift...But that doesn't mean you're always thankful, some days I'm down right angry about it...Not the baby exactly..I can't wait to hold him/her and nurse a new baby, cuddle and smell and feel that amazing new baby every thing. But I was "supposed" to have more time with RJ, I was supposed to be feeling good right now, not big fat and uncomfortable. Not losing sleep because a DIFFERENT baby is keeping me awake...The kind of day where the presence in your tummy makes you feel suffocated, both because a foot is lodged in your lung, and partly because ..Well because. You wonder what were you thinking signing up for this job?!?! Were you really really truely excited when the extra line appeared on the pregnancy test? Waaaay back in the day when the nights were yours and you could get in the car at a moments notice with out having to make sure diapers are clean and clothing is warm (or cool) enough, snacks are in hand (for both of you) and water bottles (sippies) are full????

And I have a whining toddler at my leg who has watched her 3rd? 4th? 5th? episode of Sesame street and is crying because Elmo finished his song and she knows the show is over.

Yup, just one of those days.

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