Authority...Whereas, Wherein, I am a GROWN UP!

At my favorite place yesterday...

I met with the OB today. He was very kind and never condescending. He answered all my questions in a frank and honest manner. I think I liked him.

I've never hired an OB before, and I never dreamed I'd hire a man... I have always preferred the midwife model of care. Especially the fact that most MidWIVES tend to be women, for my womans care. But I'm almost feeling like I need a male voice in this birth.

Reading between the lines of our conversation with a hospital birth with him: 1) it comes down to the hospital staff there that day. 2) If I want some thing I need to SAY it... The hospitals like cookie cutters.

Pretty much, if you want to be outside of the box, you're going to have to be vocal about it.

When I asked him about a few things on my mind (testing for gestational diabetes, and constant fetal monitoring in labor) he said, "I can't force you to do any thing. I'll work with what I have from the decisions you make."

say what? whoa.

Roo gave me my voice. She showed me my true heart (the one hidden under years of "people pleasing" and fear). She asked me to do things differently, outside "the norm".  She confirmed some hard lessons, nailed them in hard:



Listen to your conscience. 

Friendly made me use this knowledge...I had to walk it out in my actions (having a home birth, for one!). I went from a woman who was scared to admit her true feelings... To a woman who embraced them, and vocalized them. I have gotten much  stronger in the last 4 years (heck, the last year!).

My children's births have shaped me. Changed me. And their little lives are a daily flint, sharpening who I am.

I can say (LOUD AND CLEAR!) "I don't like that!", "STOP IT!" (and yesterday, when Friendly tried to bite me in the butt [you read it right- a hug from behind...erm went awry!], I said it LOUDLY!)

I can. I have a voice. 

But I still struggle with people pleasing. Especially with people who I perceive being in authority.  After all, Doctors are GROWN UPS... They like, went to medical school and have a very very grown up jobs.

Oh wait, that grown up thing? I have kids.

I'm a grown up too.


And with that realization, another thing Newby's fresh little life is bringing me: 

I am the final authority on me, my body, my person. *I* am the authority.

ME.

Newby 22 weeks...

Newby, I hope you realize how precious you are to me already. You have taught me so much about myself. Your first leg of life has been physically, spiritually and emotionally challenging for me.  But I wouldn't trade you, or this journey we're on together, for the world.  You are a gift.

In all my ramblings on VBAC...On my fears and hopes for this birth I don't want to lay too much on Newby, or on myself.

This birth will be what it will be. 


Maybe the birth will stretch me in new ways.Probably, birth by it's very nature is all about STRETCHING. But what new spiritual depths, maturity, experiences, and or revelations it brings well...Again, It will be, what it will be.

It doesn't have to look a certain way (though I am hoping for a happy one!).

All I know, right now is that Newby's presence is growing more than my tummy.

I love you Newby.