Dry Spell...FLOOD...Birth...Unschooling Ponderings

How is that for a loaded title?


This summer was weird. It was dry dry dry and HOT until about late July. Every thing was suffering, not growing well. And then it rained, and rained and rained and rained. And a few hurricanes in, and several rainy weeks. And now the area has had to deal with some serious flooding and damage


And some times, in that funny way that randomly happens, my little life is on parallel. 


Yeah, okay little dramatic. But I feel like January through hmm... July were dry. Hard...grueling months. Not all bad, some sweetness...some bitterness...Just too much on my plate, too much happening. I felt so dry...uninspired and drained. 


And now FLOOD.  


I feel like I'm on "process this" overload. I am so excited! And feeling so befuddled. And AGH! I have so much I want to say, to know, to DO, so BE...I really want to get back to reading and thinking. 


But slow and steady... taking it as it comes: when I want to rush, dive, and KNOW NOW.  Instead, I'm taking the kids to the park as much as possible....Reading more... and waiting.

Trip to the park yesterday... Apple slices on the bench.

And when I get an inkling...feeling it out. Which leads me to a little update since a few have asked...


 Newby's Birth: ???????????  I have no idea where, or how, or who, or any thing with this baby. It is honestly, a little bewildering. A lot bewildering.  I am 23 weeks and ?????? Time is not going to be my friend for long.


 I am a person who likes to have a plan. A person who knows (generally) what she wants and usually sticks with it (in the past to my determent). I am stubborn and if I know what I want and can't have it I can be kind of a bitch. At the same time, some times I'm too flexible... Also to my detriment. My life the last few years has been finding balance. But finding balance and listening to my conscience, and when you don't have all the factors in place: it gets messy. 


 I have felt out so many scenarios, interviewed or reached out and talked to so many OB offices (and a few OB's), tossed around so many home birth ideas... Felt so many emotions...Sorted through so many big feelings (and I'm sure I have more to process). And here I sit with a great BIG "?" and all I can get is *crickets*...Okay not just that His voice through has held an undercurrent of, "Shhh...Peace. Take your time. It will fall into place.Do NOT rush."


I still want my answers. But I think that's the thing with this sweet little Newby... I need to learn to take the journey as it comes. Slow and Steady. I really truly believe, it will fall into place. I'll know, and it will work out. 


I refuse to make decisions out of fear... Or shame... Or haphazardly!


In other news...I've been reading, a lot. 


Books that travel with me right now... 

Well, they also make a good table for snacks...

Learning All the Time
How small children begin
to read write, count
and investigate the world, with out being taught
By John Holt

Also

LOVING these books. I am working through them and I really recommend them, even just to think outside your box...They resonate so much with my heart, validate so many things that I have felt for Roo. 


Our little "school times" have evolved over the last 2 months... It's been so fun to read with them, to really make a more focused effort to not just "expose them to literature" but to make my love of books some thing we share... Not just my "me time" activity. It's been so interesting (and maybe this is just where she is at developmentally)  to see Friendly's appreciation and interest in books grow. She goes off into her room, or snuggle next to me in bed, with a pile of books and "reads" to me. Also as I've been reading my "big books" I've been holding her and reading out loud, letting her take my books and read from the pictureless books as well. Roo too, has been really enjoying sitting down and going through a pile of books.

The TV has been on less...Though I'm not really opposed to it's presence.. It's been so fun though the last 2 months to watch how their play has grown. It gets more and more creative! Some of this, is honestly Friendly being more on level with Roo developmentally. They spend hours having "adbentures" and using the most random things to enhance their play (their favorite objects being, clothesline, jump ropes, stuffed animals, card board boxes, pillows, blankets and random kitchen utensils). 


I want to write more about these books as I process. I would like to talk about unschooling and what I think it will mean in *my* family...And that's what I love about it. NO 2 unschooling families are going to look even remotely similar....I will definitely be processing this here a lot. 


Just for now I will leave you with a few quotes...


This is my objection to books about "teach Your Baby This" and "Teach Your Baby That". They are very likely to destroy children's belief that they can find things out for themselves, and to make them think instead that they can only find things out from others."
-John Holt


There are SO many things that I learned about myself in his sections on reading and counting. I feel, almost like some things clicked for me. I saw myself as some of the children he described and realized a little more about how my brain works. I've been enjoying it.


"unschooling not a life to be hurried, nor is it neat and tidy."
-the unschooling handbook


"it's about the journy. Not a paragraph definition."
-the unschooling handbook


So much more to share...eventually. Intrigued, challenged, and ready to feel this stuff out!

A duck playing on a rock... deep.

Being Part Of The Solution...Church Part 2

I had a fit of insomnia last night. And as precious as sleep is to me right now, I tried to take advantage of it.

One thing that was circling around and around in my head last night was: The majority of my children's' generation will be "un-churched".

I've personally really struggled with church- I was just ranting about it a week or so ago. I don't like "church" I hate how it's set up. I hate the straight lines of seats and the focal point on the "stage" think some of the worship songs are selfish and ridiculous. I've struggled to go, for different reasons (previously discussed), for a few years now. I hate how it splits every one up in to age groups, how it's all...churchy.

I was thinking last night about the next generation, about the world they are growing up in. I was thinking about the family and how for all the church (and I'm speaking of The Body of Christ not a denomination ) rants about how important family is- they certainly like to divide the family up in to little pieces on Sunday mornings.

We had a really awful, no good, very bad morning at our church on Sunday morning. We left early with screaming babies who were bored, couped up, and wanting naps. They were not happy about being out of their element. And we as parents were at meltdown point as well. We had a good loud and healthy argument (it felt good!) about it most of the way home...But even with all the talking and wondering "what the heck are we doing wrong?! Why are we so weird? Do we just go ahead and put our kids to scream in nursery on Sunday mornings? Would that solve this gnawing "AAAAGH" feeling?!? What are we supposed to do???" we didn't have any answers.

We believe our family is supposed to, at this point, be together on Sunday mornings. But church to our children at their little ages: is being held or shhhed through a bunch of "boring" (to them?) worship songs. And then herded off to a small room with a TV. They play with their toys and are frustrated and confused because Mommmie and Daddy don't play very well. They aren't doing any thing else important (not cleaning, or cooking, or using the potty- what gives?)...They are just staring at a fuzzy screen and distractedly handing us stuff and are frankly, acting bit grumpy. They also keep asking "did you hear what he said there?" or some thing equally confusing. And it's stressful and dull and painfully boring- especially for our extroverted 2 year old.

If I was 2.5 and 13mos I'd be screaming too. I wanted to scream on Sunday. It just feels so wrong and dumb, and pointless. And yet, we have a conviction that we're supposed to be at our church. This is where we're supposed to fellowship. But some thing in our church is broken. And we can leave it broken, or we could use our heads and have open hearts to being the solution.

We're still praying about this, we haven't talked to our pastor yet, I'm sharing this partially in faith, and partially to process. Last night I think I saw a pretty clear idea of what we're supposed to do. We need to meet a need in our family, and we need to bless the families in our church.

So we're praying about starting a pre-school class. As much as I dislike children's church, we need to take this step. I feel like it's just one itty bitty step towards what we'd like to see happen down the road.

We're going to take on the preschoolers (there are only a little over a handful) and see how the ideas, principles and dreams we have for a future "Family Service" would work out. I want to teach littles how to worship: REALLY worship. Not just sing silly songs, but teach them who the Holy Spirit is...Teach them how to pray, how to pray for each other, how to hear His voice. Teach them real Bible stories (We'd also be using "What's In The Bible?" DVDs).

Eventually, maybe, this would spread to the rest of the church. Have a "Family Service" before the regular service where we'd have a really active, busy kid oriented (but REAL) worship time, and then take time for parents to lay hands on their kids and pray over them, for kids to pray for their parents, we'd "break bread" together: pass out snacks for the kids while we share the message...It might not be perfectly quiet, there might be some big distractions. But working with the kids, keeping it real, real meat, and not one person talking while every one sits and is quiet...But kid asking questions, parents too: an open dialogue. Working with in what is LIFE as a family. Studying grace and how it works through out life, through out our relationships with each other. Just a real time for families to reconnect and FELLOWSHIP. It would probably be more like a giant, kind of crazy, small group time than a "service"...But THAT is what this generation needs to see: it's about relationship- not services and rituals. It's about fellowship and sharing in The Word. That is what church needs to be to this generation. Because it's the only way they are going to reach their un-churched peers...Seeing church, fellowship, as LIFE, not a place and a time, but LIFE.

I'm really excited to see where this goes. I'm excited to move away from churchy and into true fellowship...I'm excited and praying that our conversation with our pastor and wife will go well. That they'll catch the vision...That they'll (in all honesty) stop treating the family unit, as a second rate and unspiritual priority (as most of the western church does)- but as the treasure it is!

Children are a treaure...

And to prove my point a corney little treasure of mine:

She really has quite a beautiful REAL smile- we call this her cheesey grin...She puts it on to be extra silly!

Embracing This Season? Church.

I was going to call this post "Season of Embrace" but thought it too corny, just saying.

I haven't been super involved with church the past 3 years...Really 4 years almost. I was very (VERY) sick with my first little and so the whole pregnancy it was a challenge to go to church. I have several memories of hovering in the old churchy bathroom stalls dry heaving. Oh so lovely. Then my wondrous baby was finally born, and I didn't have the energy to drag my self to church. Energy to spend the morning pacing the halls outside the sanctuary or nursing in the nursery (because that's how it works, right?) with a fussy baby who wanted to be home napping and away from all the people and strange sounds.

Well God lead us to a different church when she was around 8 months old. Again I was expected to nurse her in certain rooms, and leave her in the nursery. I nursed her in the appropriate places, but I stayed with her, or more she with me. Outside the sanctuary she'd run back and forth or sit and color with me.

At our new church I got the line "it's a season, she'll be off and flying before you know it! Take your time." they were definitely understanding... Even now at almost 3, my girl doesn't want to be left in the nursery. Every Sunday morning when we're heading out the door she exclaims. "But I don't want to go be with Miss M!"
There was a time when we were pushing for it, we tried lots of different things- all the things they recommend to help them adjust to spending time away from you. The anxiety it produced for our careful girl, just isn't worth it. Would she adjust if we just stuck her in there consistently? Eventually I'm sure she would. But not with out costing a bit of trust and a LOT of very loud, angry and scared tears. We know she's just fine being away from us when she's in her element (home) and with her Nana (my Mom)... So we know we CAN leave her. And would it really kill her cry in there for a while? No. But we want it to be her decision. Her realizing in herself that she is ready. Her feeling strong enough in herself (someone she's just discovering) to go in there and have fun and LEARN. Her decision to fly away and off to her own thing.

So more recently we've taken a more hands-off attitude: "You don't have to go unless you want to. We love to be with you and you can stay with us..You'll know when you're ready."

So we all sit (I use that term loosely) together in the "Family Room" and the girls pull things out of their "busy bag" and we try to keep them quiet and content while we listen to snippets of the sermon. In all honesty, it's frustrating. It feels pointless. By 10:45 our early risers are getting tired and starting to get either uber energetic, or fussy and meltdowny. The entire service is spent redirecting- peeling them from the walls (literally), and trying to entertain and keep the tears to a dull roar (my children have LUNGS!). Then to spend 10 minutes getting to "fellowship" (visiting over a quick bite and some thing to drink) while we corral toddlers, give them snacks (more snack as that was one of our tools in keeping them from going stir crazy the entire service) and tag team making sure they aren't tripping any one, or sticking their fingers in snacks, dumping things....It's kinda hilariously chaotic.

It's exhausting. And yet, we know we're supposed to go. Not because it's some religious observance. Or to get our children "in church" (ha!). But because God told us this was our church, go and reach out to other families. So we try. We're trying to be faithful in that.

And yet, there aren't (yet) families to minister to. We're the only young family in the church right now. There are a few single Mama's or ones whose partners don't attend- and I love visiting with them. But they don't have time to fellowship outside of church, and they have a few kids they are trying to care for on their own and corral in the same area of the building and talk to teachers... You get it, I don't get to visit so much.

Which leads me to WOMEN'S MINISTRIES. Women's Bible Study, Women's Brunch, Women's RETREAT...

None of which I can attend, well commit to attend.

This morning I was asked if I was attending next months retreat (Friday night, Saturday and Sunday until late afternoon). I can't, #2 is "still" nursing, I don't have a peace about leaving her. She would not understand my absence, I'm still her world. Again, "it's a season, maybe next year....bla bla bla." All very understanding. I think.

My littles will grow up. I bet this time next year RJ will be running off to her class barely looking back for a wave...Either way, it will happen eventually!

And I feel a bit misunderstood. While they all understand and respect my desire to mother the way I need to. I'm grappling with what my understanding of this situation is. Will this really be a short season?

In all honesty, I think this mothering tiny littles is going to be a LONG season. Like, a-big-chunk-of-the-rest-of-my-life kind of thing.

Ryan and I are dreamers. We have a lot of dreams and interests. And we are passionate about a LOT of diverse things. We have absolutely no idea exactly how God is going to use them all. We laugh about it a lot how varied and random all our interests are. But there is nothing we are as passionate about as our family, about our children. About families and children in general.

I've always loved children- I spent several months of my life working full time with them in the projects of a large west-coast city. I LOVE them. Even as a child, I loved smaller children- was always mothering on them...Was always the favorite babysitter (and started babysitting at a young age!).

Ryan and I knew before we were married (you know that instinctive know in your soul that you're called to some thing) that we were going to have a large family. I'm not talking 4 or 5 kids (which is considered large to most people? I consider large 8+ children, in all honesty) that a big part of our calling was going to involve children and raising them.

Let me say, I sincerely hope that no more than a few (4? 5?)of them will be from my actual body. :0. I despise how I feel when I am pregnant, gotta say the getting huge and then birthing thing has not been too fun. Maybe I'll get better at all of it as I have more? Either way, I think Ryan and I both feel that having like 12kids of our own (like they came completely from us) would be kind of ego-driven on our part (NOT saying that is the case of all extra large families- some times they just happen!)- we want to give children who are living in abuse and poverty a chance. Who knows how it will look, I hope that it will be very spread out so we can take each child and love it, fill it up like crazy until it's handling flying on it's on a big and then dive in and rescue another little.

I've always known God was going to send me children. Children to love on and raise to know Him. And that's where this conflict comes in: I'm not looking at 3 or 4 more years of this "they want to be with Mommie" stage. I'm looking at (I must reluctantly admit) a good ten to fifteen (plus?) years of hare and intense work in the mothering field.

I don't know how, I don' t know any thing for sure. But I feel like God's been preparing my heart in this area and helping me figure out how to keep things simple while I just have 2. So that when I have a lot more...Well there is grace for any thing He calls us to. But He gave us imaginations, and I'm using mine to keep things interesting and hopefully simple as my family grows.

I'm not sharing this because I'm anxious and trying to figure out all my chicks before they hatch I'm just processing. . Maybe I've got it all wrong.

But it's not all about having a large family, they other thing that kind of makes this interesting is that I am going to home school. And that "Oh they're off to school already!" thing really won't happen. My kids won't always need me as intensely as they do now. But then I'll have more babies who will...

I guess my point in writing all that out is some thing that some one asked me at church this morning. Just some thing about my joining a Mom's In Touch prayer group. The pastors wife really would like to see me get more plugged in, I know it, and I'm praying about what and how "more plugged in" will look considering the season. I know it is not that prayer group. It just is not going to work with the girls in the stages they are in. And M (pastors wife)understands where I'm at (kind of). I know she wants to connect with me.

So here I sit, it's getting late and this post is getting long. I was just interrupted by crying baby and while I nursed her back down, The only question I am trying to focus on is: If this is the season of my life for the unforeseeable future...1) what are my priorities 2) how can I fellowship and pray and enjoy time with other believers while keeping my priorities straight.

1) my priority and first responsibility is to my family. I don't agree with the saying "God, Church, Family." That is big in church circles. That is a very human way of prioritizing life. I don't think God works that way. God wants to be part of every thing I do, there is no separation to Him of spiritual and nonspiritual. He isn't in to cookie-cuttering every thing this way and that. He's not human. He can be glorified in EVERYTHING I do. And He has made it clear t0 me that I am to mirror His love and grace to my (His) children. I do that by meeting their physical and emotional needs and letting them know I am there for them. At this point in their little lives they need me a LOT. Their well being and happiness is very much wrapped up in my presence. At this point in my life my husband and I are working very hard round the clock caring for them. So any time we get together needs to be spent together (except when I'm processing and writing long blog posts, sigh. ;0)

Which leads to 2) How can I make fellowship happen with out sacrificing 1)?

Some thing I'm still pondering and praying about.

But is it wrong that I don't want my fellowship time to be with the women at church (so much), that I don't want it to be churchy at all really? That I just want to have friends to pray with, share and grow with? That I'm tired of churchiness? More things I'm pondering tonight.

And on that note, I'm closing this post.