Wednesday, September 5, 2012

It's been a while! Some mothering thoughts...

I haven't been doing much (any?) personal blogging the last few months...Well, I have but privately. What precious moments I get to write I have been trying to focus on my goals...I have been trying to stay centered.

I am now writing my personal goals and Intentional Parenting stuff over at mamaOjoy (I also have a FACEBOOK PAGE)- I would eventually like to have other contributors to that blog. I have some things I would like to share, and reach out to other young Mamas...I would like to network too. But all in good time. It just felt lead to set it up, having time to actually do any thing with it? Ha.

Introspection is an ugly rabbit hole I have tried to avoid. But lately, I've been in a a bit of a funk. I don't think it is PPD, though I think I have been fending that off a bit too. My nutrition, sleep, exercise, supplement thing has been kind of off the last few weeks (read I am pretty deep in debt when it comes to sleep) + a super hectic schedule...Yeah, I need to recenter...Like, constantly recenter....Every hour breath, apologize, or just breath...And recenter.

In general things have been going really well around home. When they are good, they are very very good. When they are bad...It is feels like this kind of scary overwhelming deal.

Adjusting to parenting three children...I don't mean to sound like a broken record, or like the only woman to ever have three children. But WOW! Yeah, IT IS SO HARD!!! I don't know how my Mom did three kids 3 and under (and then 5 kids 9 and under! YIPES!)! Three kids 4 and under is SO HARD (did I say tat already? Yeah, oh well). I think the hardest part is still being a "new" Mom...It's not like I have all this figured out! I mean, I have read a lot. I have 3 very different children... I have come so far. But with each new stage each child reaches I feel like I am starting from scratch- especially with Roo (my oldest).

I have been feeling a bit sorry for myself. I have been reading some "AP" blogs and Gentle Parenting blogs and I walk away feeling kinda low...Seriously, so attachment parenting is all sunshine and daisy's for you? You were so attached that you never dealt with ...well, my life. The tantrums...the screaming...These big ugly feelings? You know, feeling like- well like I am failing this parenting gig.

Okay, I am not failing. But those blogs, not so good for me when I get to this place.

Enter lesson I have been learning the past few weeks, I need to keep my eyes on my own work. These are my kids. This is my journey. This is who I am and I can't change that...I need to embrace it.

No checklists...just treasures...
I am me. Either put together, or falling apart. Very late, or way too early. Spacey (but only because my brain is going 100 different directions in the midst), slightly spastic, quiet, still, chatty, know-it-all-ish, wise, shallow and deep, friendly, kind, moody, loving, caring, open (I hope), ME.

I have been looking at where I am in comparison to those around me (in real life and via cyberspace [do people still say that? I just did...]) and feeling kind of low.

We're about to make some big changes...Really big. And while I know these changes are exciting... They are good... This is just a step in whatever... I feel isolated in these new places we are going.

But I need to keep my eyes on my own work. God keeps telling me, "BE NOW"...Be NOW!! BE NOW!!! (well, not so much bad cheer leader...More quiet and gentle- like a warm hug) Whenever I have totally lost it and hurt my girls (feelings/our relationship) I hear it whispered "Be NOW".

You know where NOW is? In the center of Grace. In Him my past is gone...That second ago, gone...Gone....Gone!!!! All He see's is my NOW. BE NOW. What am I going to do based on that wonderful revelation? Be NOW. Keep my eyes on my own work. And my work is saying "YES" to Him. One yes at a time.

Roo picked me some weeds, I mean FLOWERS the other morning... She was down in the front yard and every few minutes she would run up to our apartment with her hands behind her back and she would say "I have some thing for me" ...And I would act very curious and say "What!! What do you have for me?" She would pop her little handful of weeds flowers from behind her back and say "I picked these for you, because I love you."

This is my story. I can choose to look at the weeds...Or I can view the true flowers hiding beneath. Parenting my children isn't what I thought it would be. This is so hard and overwhelming. No one else has to understand. It is okay to do things my way. I need to stop judging myself. BE NOW.

Because you know what? Being present and thankful can make simple weeds....Into a beautiful bouquet...

And I am so glad i took these pictures! When I was taking them I thought "Yes, I am strange for taking pictures of weeds...But my children gave them to me...And look, a little lesson came from them!" Yay, God.

1 comment:

  1. You are not alone. I have a 5 and a half, a just turned 3 and a 16 month. I totally feel you on the three is so hard. I feel like a fool whenever I say it out loud to anyone. But, it really is. Pterry much everything you said, I am with you. i think just slowing down, trusting the Lord! Not worrying about everything so much, not looking at others all helps. Remembering to actually BE with them. So many of their tantrums and issues are because they just want US and our real attention. not us while we fold laundry or do dishes or check email, but really be with them. When I stop and reallt do that, things get do much better around here.


I love to hear from you! :0)