Balance This Way...Balance That Way...

It's incredible to me how life with littles is always changing. They are always changing so I guess it makes sense. Yet, it still catches me by surprise....That "why isn't this working??" moment always ending with the "ooooh duh, the game changed and I'm the last to find out." over and over, so humbling. On the bright side, it keeps things interesting!

Along with pondering what my "true, essential, and simple" priorities are. I've been thinking on balance. I have made some kind of big changes in my life this past summer. Some really positive and healthy things, and it's made some things more focused and clear for me. I have also faced some hard realities of "what is, is what is". As my littlest moves into more independence I've been thinking on this more and more.

I credit Dr. Larry Cohen (Playful Parenting- read it!) for this idea, It's never my intention to parent "fairly" but to meet every ones needs.

But needs, neeeds neeeeeds. There are so many at these ages! It truly is exhausting. And as they get bigger, I find it harder and harder to meet my needs. I thought the opposite would be true! Before it was (and still is to a large extent) emotionally draining. Now it's just physically and mentally exhausting. Now nothing is safe. #1 recently figured out how to open our old antique door knobs (a tricky thing for some adults so this is an impressive new milestone)...Thankfully none of them have locks so she can't lock herself in some place random. But it does mean she and her little sister can get into a lot of trouble together! When I think they are safe and separated, well I just can't assume such things any more. And I can no longer assume that I can use the bathroom and think no one will be able to join me. :0.
Or that the baby I left in the baby proofed room with the door closed while I take a 2 minute shower, will stay there. Or the toddler I had penned off in the playroom will be there while I take said shower. Working out, getting meals, getting out the door, doing any thing is so complicated at this point with two littles running different directions. And I mean RUNNING different directions.

And while I know that more baby proofing is in order, it simply isn't an option at this point. We will be moving in a few months and I will be doing every thing to simplify and safety-fy like crazy...But for now it's a lot of worry , and a lot of work.

And the things that I used to think were so important and essential in my parenting curriculum, when I just had #1...Or even a few months ago before #2 got so adventurous and busy. The mother I thought I was "back then" and the one I am today some times leaves me scratching my head (and laughing at my current ridiculous and fuzzy brained self).
I guess what I'm saying is there is "the way" and "person" I wish I could always be to my children. And the reality of what is. Because in the end, I'm just one person...Though my goal is to meet their needs: it isn't always possible and some one (whether it be me, we, or one of them) ends up losing just a little. And realizing that really is what balance is...You give 100%, and realize you aren't necessarily going to come out with that A+ on the other side of certain situations, and that's okay.

And I had more I wanted to say. And I'm not sure this made much sense. But a wall of exhaustion just hit hard. I have a very painfully plugged milk duct and am feeling weak and yucky... Mastitis looming? I sincerely hope not. Off to rest my tired body!

Parenting Hissy Fit

I came across this blog post. So good, couldn't agree more.

Feels so unattainable. I swear I'm 2 years old. Seriously, I'm only 2.5 years old in this parenting thing and I feel like I'm acting it.

Is that possible?

Will my poor oldest be doomed to grow along with Mommie?

Okay so I know it can't just be me. A friend whose daughter is a month older than Ri said some thing similar recently. I don't think I've ever wanted to throw more tantrums than I do these days. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone.

And I will not sit on the floor and bang my fists and howl.

It hasn't been a bad day. But all the days run together and are wearing me down.

I think the most frustrating thing is how helpless I feel some times. I'll be nursing Amity, she'll finally be drifting off for her afternoon catnap. And Riley does some thing so 2-years-oldish and not necessarily dangerous but more of the "Oh boy the MESS I'm going to have to clean up." kind of thing. And I can't say any thing. I have to pretend not to see what she's doing becuase if I say some thing like "Oh don't play with that Riley" I will have to follow through and get up and remove her. So I get a sleeping baby, but the extra mess is frustrating.

Or just the past 5 minutes. I hear Amity stir, I race upstairs, she hasn't made enough noise to wake her sister...The room is pitch black, I run in scoop her up and race out. We are just 2 steps from the door and I hear this loud "BANG". Amity had found some thing (a book? a toy?) hard in our bed and grabbed before I picked herup...Then proceded to drop it on the stepstool by Riley's bed. *bang head into wall* Riley woke up crying. I got to the door and whispered desperately and firmly "Riley go back to sleep!"

She's not ready to get up if she's waking up crying, she just isn't.

It's been 5 minutes, she fussed for a minute and I haven't heard any thing. I'm holding my breath she fell back to sleep. The girl is growing and has been needing longer naps lately. Solace, those naps, solace.

But again, lack of control. It's always some thing, nothing ever goes as planned...It's almost like I have to trick plans into going right "See here plan? I want you to go this way, see?" (but really secretly under my breath "please go the opposite of that, okay?").

I'm sure some uber-organized Mama is reading this and thinking "Well, if you'd just get your act together and follow a strict schedule you wouldn't be pulling your hair out."

To that, I stick out my tongue. Schedules don't work... I have tried them. I do have pretty set routines, but they are constantly changing every few weeks/months...Because my kids are constantly changing.

This is discussed in Motherhood Stress and with that I'm going to have to close. I just heard Riley up there crying.

Okay now I will throw my hissy fit. too-short nap for my toddler, this afternoon is going to be beautiful.