"L" is for Carrot

Did you know that? Well, you learn some thing new every day.

Roo at 5 days old

Off topic ramble here, hold on! I snuggled a tiny new baby last week. Were my babies ever so small? They were, they were smaller. Roo was 6lbs 3oz when we brought her home from the hospital. She was such a tiny peanut.

Friendly never had that teeny tiny feel. She was a strong little thing. She didn't lose any weight after birth, and went from 7lbs 150z at birth to 13lbs2oz at her 6 week check up. I kinda feel like I missed the teeny tiny stage with her, that  "Oh my goodness how could any thing possibly be soooo small?" stage.

Friendly 1 week old!

My girls are growing. The years are starting to race by! It kinda takes your breath away. When I think on it this is our FOURTH spring with Roo.

I blinked and I had 2 little kids!

Friendly is losing her baby ways. Ooh she still has plenty! But she's talking more, she says things like "Ummmmm" when you ask her a question. She declares "I do it!". She consideres her answers carefully, and even if what she says is unintelligible it is shared with the utmost dignity.
 I love her answers of, "Welllll, oookay". She's 20 months going on 10.  The other day I was redirecting her from digging in her Daddy's desk drawer and she pushed my hand away and said "No! Go away!" clear as day. And then threw a fantastic fit when I removed her anyway. She's going to be interesting!

Roo loves to swing, and is getting really good at the big kid ones!

Friendly likes to practice on the "big kid" swings.

Roo is turning into a little girl. She is a little girl. How'd that happen? I just want to suck her back into that little itty baby she was. I want to take back all that time and relive it with all the experience and tools I have now. Why do you have to be so green when you start this parenting thing? Why can't you just appreciate how fast it goes? Like REALLY appreciate the sleepless nights and the teething crank and the ...everything! Okay I still have some time to snuggle her, lots of time hopefully! But I can't believe how the past 3 years have just zipped by.


Lately, I find myself just pressing pause in my brain. 
Snap take a picture of this moment...Hold it, it's going to go away too soon!

I digress.

The other week Roo drew the letter "W". It was really an "M" but she declared it a "W" and I was just too proud that she made an actual intelligible letter I didn't correct her. Also the "letter" (she informed me) on the left is a carrot "wif an 'L' at the bottowm becwause 'L' is for carrot." again, I know I should take advantage of educational moments, teaching and instructing etc. But I was just too freaking proud to correct her! The carrot was REALLY good! It looked like a real little carrot, until she added the L to it... And she added an "O" on top of her "L". Letter's, letters everywhere!
I love that she's trying, all on her own. I have consciously tried to avoid stressing colors, numbers or letters. This is the only time in their life they get to be little...And I've wanted it to be their genuine interest in why things are called certain colors, and the shapes of different letters. Not my pushing it on them when they aren't really developmentally ready to process it. Sure, we have refrigerator magnets, ABC, Numbers, and Shape board books that the girls love, but other than Sesame street and ocassionally reading those books together, that's been it.

I'm not a flash card kinda Mom is what I'm getting at. 

Anyway it's cool to see how they learn, it just happens- amazing! And it's so cool to see that Roo is gleaning some things..She just hasn't been interested and it's exciting to see that some things are clicking!

Well the girls are asleep...So I will leave you with this thought, if L is for carrot... N is for SLEEP. It's been a long day!

Happiest Toddler On the Block- a review, of sorts! Part One

Nursling...nursing, so 'scuse the typos!

I have bouts of introspection and then droughts of it. I can't go there, takes too much energy.

So I wait. Wait for the next round of- whatever- to break through...To process.

I'm currently reading Happiest Toddler On the Block. I have had it recommended to me SO many times. I have thought about getting it at the library SO many times.

Can I just say, it is so timely! I needed to read his wise, kind, and helpful words this week. I am only about half way through- so I can't speak for the whole book. What he says I've read in so many other parenting books. Really. But I think he simplifies it even more. He takes a lot of the concepts I loved about Screamfree Parenting, and Families Where Grace Is In Place and boils it down to a "Raising a Toddler for Dummies", or pretty close. Every thing suddenly feels a little more doable. Easy? no. But oh so practical. Some thing is clicking.

I'm sooo glad I read this book last! I really think I'm getting so much out of it because of the things that the other two books taught me.

Dr. Karp is so kind, so understanding about how difficult parenting toddlers is. He writes in such a way that I don't feel judged for being so overwhelmed and exhausted by my two toddlers.

I wish I had time to write as much as I'd like to, I have a lot to proccess! But here are the basics of what the book covers.

Part One: Toddler/Parent Basics. Dr. Karp pretty much breaks down why toddlers behave the way they do. He talks about how they aren't miniature children, they are maturing babies. He talks about how they are very similar to cavemen ages 1-4. The biggest thing that impacted me was that, as adults we think of our normal environment as our home. We're inside, we do our best to keep it tidy and safe. He points out that that is NOT what our toddlers think of as "normal". On the basic level, normal for them is being outside! They were meant to be playing in the dirt, feeling the wind and the sunshine. Not in a room with flat walls, toys that make lots of noise, TV input, radio, unnatural colors...etc.

Sounds basic, of course little children like to be outside! But I'd never thought about it quite like that.

Part Two: Toddler Communication Basics: Dr. Karp teaches two very basic and simple skills to communicate with your kids. I think it will really hone in my communication skills quite a bit.

Part Three: Behavior Basics: I haven't read this part but Karp gives ideas for lessening "red light" behavior, encouraging "green light" behavior, lessening "yellow light" (annoying) behavior.

Part Four: How Do I Handle This One?: Dr. Karp pretty much goes through the things he's already taught and how to apply the communication and discipline skill she taught in earlier parts.

I'm really excited to finish this one! I feel like I will be better able to handle situations that have really be overwhelming me. I love that Dr. Karp is focused on helping your toddler navigate toddlerhood intact. He encourages parents not to think of your parenting job description as "boss" but as "ambassador". I loved that! As a good ambassador to Toddler Land I need to learn the language (I'm probably using too many words). I need to learn some communication skills so my children don't feel bull dozed (which increases tantrum responses). As an ambassador it's my job to hold the boundaries "my country will not stand for that!" and tow the line. And to remember that today's enemy, is tomorrows friend. Not that Dr. Karp encourages that "us vs. them" mindset, but it's true...When we're locked in a conflict with our toddler, it's not about winning or losing...It's about maintaining relationship and I feel that Dr. Karps does a very good job of giving parents tools to do that.

I also really appreciated suggestions he gave to parents who are struggling. He points out that we really weren't meant to raise toddlers alone. We were meant to have community around us helping us...friends, family etc. lightening our load. Today's parents don't have that. Dr. Karp points out that the autonomous family is a dangerous thing. He says to look out into the community and find ways to help. But I think that whole subject deserves a post of its own.

Ways to be an Attachment Family with out being autonomous. Or perhaps: meeting your children in the middle: balance.

More soon!

Reminders...

Parenting is like a corkscrew. When your baby is born you are at this very tiny point. Life is small there for a while. Every thing revolves around one basic thing, your baby. Learning who they are, enjoying them...Figuring out how this thing called parenthood is going to be.

And as your child grows, you circle up the corkscrew. Going around and around the same base issues for each child are always there, changing slightly with each circle up. Giving you the opportunity to explore and experience them further. Learning harder and deeper lessons of the things you failed to internalize before...Discovering new triumphs and joys as you watch and grow with your child.

And then you have another child and a new corkscrew is stuck into the bottle-of-life -that-is- parenthood. And around and around you go until you've got a good grip on the whole thing. Or ...Well I'll stop with that analogy because it ends a bit messy- drinking...I mean celebrating but ...yeah, messy.

I had one of those moments this evening...Digging back through the archives of my mommie blog I found this post. Ah, to learn this lesson more deeply. I so struggle with my emotional toddler. The crying, the big feelings the sometimes over the top-ness of the drama that is 2 [years old].
I don't' want to force her to stuff her feelings. Her crying or emotions are not a reflection of my job performance as her mother.

More later, need to put 2 little wonders in their beds.

Quiver Full Parenting...Thoughts on Family Planning

Growing up I knew a few QuiverFull (QF) families and some that were just extra large. One in particular was more along the lines of what this post is talking about. And another that was much more mainstream: birth control didn't work for them and they didn't have a peace about doing any thing permanent so they had 12 kids.

That really isn't all that important, and that post/article is a really good look at some of the glaring problems with the patriarchy movement. I can personally attest to how those teachings have wounded my own young marriage- and lead us to the place we're at. I am so thankful for Grace.

Anyway, it's kind of funny (in a God sort of way) that I came across this post (which I highly recommend you take some time to read through) as this is some thing I have been pondering a lot. Just last week I was discussing QF families and family planning with friends.

I know I just mentioned in a recent post that we are most likely going to have a large family. But we are not honestly setting out for one. I honestly don't want more than a handful of children. And yet I have the sinking (in a good way?) feeling that my Mothering career will involve many more than that. At this point, we're taking it one child at a time and we'll see where we end up. While we are personally opposed to hormonal and un-natural forms of birth control (another hard lesson for us). We practice NFP and FAM and are not ready for another baby at the moment. But as we learned (what a sweet little lesson she is!) babies happen. Even when you think you're (really really are) being careful! Sometimes you misread, back up methods fail and God just steps in and says "I want this one in you family, here you go!"

I've never really had the concern that I wouldn't be able to meet all my children's needs. I really am of the camp that if you're being responsible and dong your part in planning your family(hopefully via natural methods): and God sends them anyway: He will provide for them physically and emotionally. It might be outside the box. It might not look like how children in smaller families are provided for. It might not always be perfect. But does that really make it bad?
I grew up as fourth of five children. My parents were planning two, maybe three kids. But as there was a lack of NFP education back then (my Mom followed the cycle method [which isn't NFP but she thought it was]), and they just kept being surprised! I will say there were some things I didn't like about being in a larger than average family. I definitely carry some scars. But in the end I will say that my being from a larger-ish family has only strengthened and benefited me. Would I (will I?) be doing things differently? Absolutely.

And that is the reason I have this blog, to sort it out. I think the best thing a large family can do is practice Attachment Parenting. When you are keeping your babies close, in tune with their ages and stages. And have a strong Que-response relationship. You're in the habit of meeting their needs, of being aware when harmony is slipping. In planning your family (as much as that is possible) to that end: harmony in the home.

Will it always be there? No. Some weeks are just ugly. You pray for grace to fill in the gaps in every ones hearts. You take as many extra naps as you can squeeze in. You simplify down to the bare bones of existence, and you move forward. If it's always your goal to love, and admit your wrong. Your goal to accept the ugly times for what they are "swift and passing seasons". If it's always your goal to make amends when things snap. Always your goal to build up and make your home where every one is built up. Always your goal to maintain relationship: you can't really lose. Does that get harder with a large family? Undoubtedly. But large families don't (generally) happen over night, they evolve, and you learn as you go.

So here's (raising my tea mug...Well I would be if I wasn't NAKing) to whatever is down the road.

Embracing This Season? Church.

I was going to call this post "Season of Embrace" but thought it too corny, just saying.

I haven't been super involved with church the past 3 years...Really 4 years almost. I was very (VERY) sick with my first little and so the whole pregnancy it was a challenge to go to church. I have several memories of hovering in the old churchy bathroom stalls dry heaving. Oh so lovely. Then my wondrous baby was finally born, and I didn't have the energy to drag my self to church. Energy to spend the morning pacing the halls outside the sanctuary or nursing in the nursery (because that's how it works, right?) with a fussy baby who wanted to be home napping and away from all the people and strange sounds.

Well God lead us to a different church when she was around 8 months old. Again I was expected to nurse her in certain rooms, and leave her in the nursery. I nursed her in the appropriate places, but I stayed with her, or more she with me. Outside the sanctuary she'd run back and forth or sit and color with me.

At our new church I got the line "it's a season, she'll be off and flying before you know it! Take your time." they were definitely understanding... Even now at almost 3, my girl doesn't want to be left in the nursery. Every Sunday morning when we're heading out the door she exclaims. "But I don't want to go be with Miss M!"
There was a time when we were pushing for it, we tried lots of different things- all the things they recommend to help them adjust to spending time away from you. The anxiety it produced for our careful girl, just isn't worth it. Would she adjust if we just stuck her in there consistently? Eventually I'm sure she would. But not with out costing a bit of trust and a LOT of very loud, angry and scared tears. We know she's just fine being away from us when she's in her element (home) and with her Nana (my Mom)... So we know we CAN leave her. And would it really kill her cry in there for a while? No. But we want it to be her decision. Her realizing in herself that she is ready. Her feeling strong enough in herself (someone she's just discovering) to go in there and have fun and LEARN. Her decision to fly away and off to her own thing.

So more recently we've taken a more hands-off attitude: "You don't have to go unless you want to. We love to be with you and you can stay with us..You'll know when you're ready."

So we all sit (I use that term loosely) together in the "Family Room" and the girls pull things out of their "busy bag" and we try to keep them quiet and content while we listen to snippets of the sermon. In all honesty, it's frustrating. It feels pointless. By 10:45 our early risers are getting tired and starting to get either uber energetic, or fussy and meltdowny. The entire service is spent redirecting- peeling them from the walls (literally), and trying to entertain and keep the tears to a dull roar (my children have LUNGS!). Then to spend 10 minutes getting to "fellowship" (visiting over a quick bite and some thing to drink) while we corral toddlers, give them snacks (more snack as that was one of our tools in keeping them from going stir crazy the entire service) and tag team making sure they aren't tripping any one, or sticking their fingers in snacks, dumping things....It's kinda hilariously chaotic.

It's exhausting. And yet, we know we're supposed to go. Not because it's some religious observance. Or to get our children "in church" (ha!). But because God told us this was our church, go and reach out to other families. So we try. We're trying to be faithful in that.

And yet, there aren't (yet) families to minister to. We're the only young family in the church right now. There are a few single Mama's or ones whose partners don't attend- and I love visiting with them. But they don't have time to fellowship outside of church, and they have a few kids they are trying to care for on their own and corral in the same area of the building and talk to teachers... You get it, I don't get to visit so much.

Which leads me to WOMEN'S MINISTRIES. Women's Bible Study, Women's Brunch, Women's RETREAT...

None of which I can attend, well commit to attend.

This morning I was asked if I was attending next months retreat (Friday night, Saturday and Sunday until late afternoon). I can't, #2 is "still" nursing, I don't have a peace about leaving her. She would not understand my absence, I'm still her world. Again, "it's a season, maybe next year....bla bla bla." All very understanding. I think.

My littles will grow up. I bet this time next year RJ will be running off to her class barely looking back for a wave...Either way, it will happen eventually!

And I feel a bit misunderstood. While they all understand and respect my desire to mother the way I need to. I'm grappling with what my understanding of this situation is. Will this really be a short season?

In all honesty, I think this mothering tiny littles is going to be a LONG season. Like, a-big-chunk-of-the-rest-of-my-life kind of thing.

Ryan and I are dreamers. We have a lot of dreams and interests. And we are passionate about a LOT of diverse things. We have absolutely no idea exactly how God is going to use them all. We laugh about it a lot how varied and random all our interests are. But there is nothing we are as passionate about as our family, about our children. About families and children in general.

I've always loved children- I spent several months of my life working full time with them in the projects of a large west-coast city. I LOVE them. Even as a child, I loved smaller children- was always mothering on them...Was always the favorite babysitter (and started babysitting at a young age!).

Ryan and I knew before we were married (you know that instinctive know in your soul that you're called to some thing) that we were going to have a large family. I'm not talking 4 or 5 kids (which is considered large to most people? I consider large 8+ children, in all honesty) that a big part of our calling was going to involve children and raising them.

Let me say, I sincerely hope that no more than a few (4? 5?)of them will be from my actual body. :0. I despise how I feel when I am pregnant, gotta say the getting huge and then birthing thing has not been too fun. Maybe I'll get better at all of it as I have more? Either way, I think Ryan and I both feel that having like 12kids of our own (like they came completely from us) would be kind of ego-driven on our part (NOT saying that is the case of all extra large families- some times they just happen!)- we want to give children who are living in abuse and poverty a chance. Who knows how it will look, I hope that it will be very spread out so we can take each child and love it, fill it up like crazy until it's handling flying on it's on a big and then dive in and rescue another little.

I've always known God was going to send me children. Children to love on and raise to know Him. And that's where this conflict comes in: I'm not looking at 3 or 4 more years of this "they want to be with Mommie" stage. I'm looking at (I must reluctantly admit) a good ten to fifteen (plus?) years of hare and intense work in the mothering field.

I don't know how, I don' t know any thing for sure. But I feel like God's been preparing my heart in this area and helping me figure out how to keep things simple while I just have 2. So that when I have a lot more...Well there is grace for any thing He calls us to. But He gave us imaginations, and I'm using mine to keep things interesting and hopefully simple as my family grows.

I'm not sharing this because I'm anxious and trying to figure out all my chicks before they hatch I'm just processing. . Maybe I've got it all wrong.

But it's not all about having a large family, they other thing that kind of makes this interesting is that I am going to home school. And that "Oh they're off to school already!" thing really won't happen. My kids won't always need me as intensely as they do now. But then I'll have more babies who will...

I guess my point in writing all that out is some thing that some one asked me at church this morning. Just some thing about my joining a Mom's In Touch prayer group. The pastors wife really would like to see me get more plugged in, I know it, and I'm praying about what and how "more plugged in" will look considering the season. I know it is not that prayer group. It just is not going to work with the girls in the stages they are in. And M (pastors wife)understands where I'm at (kind of). I know she wants to connect with me.

So here I sit, it's getting late and this post is getting long. I was just interrupted by crying baby and while I nursed her back down, The only question I am trying to focus on is: If this is the season of my life for the unforeseeable future...1) what are my priorities 2) how can I fellowship and pray and enjoy time with other believers while keeping my priorities straight.

1) my priority and first responsibility is to my family. I don't agree with the saying "God, Church, Family." That is big in church circles. That is a very human way of prioritizing life. I don't think God works that way. God wants to be part of every thing I do, there is no separation to Him of spiritual and nonspiritual. He isn't in to cookie-cuttering every thing this way and that. He's not human. He can be glorified in EVERYTHING I do. And He has made it clear t0 me that I am to mirror His love and grace to my (His) children. I do that by meeting their physical and emotional needs and letting them know I am there for them. At this point in their little lives they need me a LOT. Their well being and happiness is very much wrapped up in my presence. At this point in my life my husband and I are working very hard round the clock caring for them. So any time we get together needs to be spent together (except when I'm processing and writing long blog posts, sigh. ;0)

Which leads to 2) How can I make fellowship happen with out sacrificing 1)?

Some thing I'm still pondering and praying about.

But is it wrong that I don't want my fellowship time to be with the women at church (so much), that I don't want it to be churchy at all really? That I just want to have friends to pray with, share and grow with? That I'm tired of churchiness? More things I'm pondering tonight.

And on that note, I'm closing this post.

Vertical and Horizontal Parenting Part One

This is me processing some things... I recently finished reading Families Where Grace Is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen. It is an amazing book and I highly recommend it to any one raising a family! I am going to discuss some of the ideas and principles he talks about in his book.

I also recently read (did I finish? hm.) Easy to Love Difficult to Discipline by Becky A Bailey Ph.D.

That book is also amazing, I definitely recommend it. But I struggled in my reading of it. While the principles she presents in her book are good, moral and healthy principles. I felt overwhelmed with all the goals she sets out for the reader, the parent. Her tag line is, "You can't teach what you don't know."

Very true. Her goal is to teach the parent new skills to use in disciplining themselves, so they can in turn discipline their children. And while I got some great tools, and a new understanding about some of my attitudes and how they can effect my children,. I still felt very overwhelmed.

It kind of could be described like this:

Would I be able to carry out these things fully? No. Not to say that means I'm going to ditch the ideas and principles because they are impossible to perfect. I just left the book feeling insecure.


And then God grabbed me. I've had so many questions for Him the last 6 years. I've had this big 'ol pile of things I was trying to untangle even before I had kids...And then I became a parent and the pile grew. How was I going to do this? How were my children going to grow up under my care and leave respectably unscathed? Maybe even a bit more on the whole and healthy side then...not.

HOW HOW HOW???

I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. It really is simple. The world was perfect, man and woman were perfect and whole.


God and man were in perfect relationship. Man was perfect. Genesis 3 talks about how God walked in the garden, He was very close with his creation. But that wasn't good enough for man, and he (general "man/he" female implied.) and human tried to meet their needs some where else. Genesis 3:6 says When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

She saw there was more beyond perfection, she wanted some thing besides God... And with that was the fall of mankind. Our sin separated us from God. He laid out a whole beautiful story of how He called us back to Him. He chose a people (Israel) and all through the Old Testament, called to them. Gave them laws - a way to temporarily rid themselves of sin. But it didn't remove the guilt. The sin was always there waiting, and they had to continue to rid themselves of sin. They had to follow His Law very carefully. I don't have the time or space to go into all the details in this post but there were a LOT of things they had to do. All those rituals and sacrifices were reminders...That they were His people, and that He was one day going to send a doctor to heal their sin. All those commandments and sacrifices were a picture, a shadow of the Redemption He would send. First to His people Israel (also known as the Jews) and then to the rest of the world (known in Bible-speak: gentiles).



So we were separated. Death entered the world. And even now, we are all born separated from God...We can chose to live life separated, and eventually we die. That empty needy place will never be filled by any thing but God




When Adam and Eve ate that fruit, the consequences meant that we'd all be born into sin.

To keep it simple: the doctor for sin was Jesus. God sent His son and He was tortured and killed at the hand of a His people. He died for them, to overcome death. You can read about it here. But pretty much as crazy as what happened sounds: Jesus became the bridge back to God...So that we could live in relationship with him.

The veil of sin that was hanging between us and God was torn. And if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. But the greatest perk of stepping beyond the veil of sin? We are free of guilt! God now, as mind blowing as it may seem, sees us as perfect. Not "sinners saved by grace", but fully and completely redeemed. We're back in the garden in His eyes, we're free. Now the New Testament talks a bit about this...But if you have any questions email me... My point is, God is now the one to fill that empty needy hole, He is the only one who can.

And yet, we walk around with this knowledge, we believe in the saving power of Jesus. But try to make ourselves LOOK healed. Whatever we view as "good" and "positive" we fill ourselves up with.

And with that...I will close Part One...Will link to Part Two when I get it written!! Stay tuned.

The Little Pieces

This is a picture I took of my back yard when I was 12... For whatever reason, it fits my mood this evening. My brother is out swinging on our swing.

Reflecting on that. All the little pieces that make up life. I hung out with a very dear friend yesterday. She was sharing about all the changes happening in her life this summer. And she said it hit her, "life is what happens when you're making other plans."

Not like this new earth shattering revelation. But as she is known to say, "true story."

I have been thinking about my life. I can't say I'm making plans. I've had God squash my plans so completely and devastatingly that ...I don't make plans anymore. I'm not just saying that. I think I truly have finally learned to keep an open hand. I am definitely a dreamer, but I don't make those dreams concrete. I have found that the ones I try to mold are just not nearly as pretty or as exciting as the ones God comes up with...

So I wait. And while I wait life is just happening. And I see all these little pieces involved and I wonder where they'll fit.

I see the pieces. I see the passions forming. I have some questions. But I'm not going to try to untie the knots. I'm just going to enjoy the ride. Because this is life...And as another saying goes "it's what you make it..." or more, what He makes it!

And this little piece of reflection is so vague. I truly am not trying to be all deep and wise. I guess with Amity's first birthday just around the corner I'm feeling a little sappy.

So I reflect, I won't untie the knots. But I do wonder about the pieces... My children, my husband, our future. We had a bit of an employment "scare" this week. Times are tough...We're provided for, R has a job. But that's besides the point. What will God do with the passions I have for new Moms? For childbirth? For babies? For children? Do I become a doula? A Post Partum care is some thing strongly on my heart. Mothering new mothers, helping them, making them feel safe and cared for...Giving them a sense of community, some one they can call if they need.

So as I sit and reflect...I know I just have to wait, to live life...Because it'll happen, while I'm not looking life happens.

And that, as A would say, "is such a true story."

Motherhood Stress Part One

by Deborah Shaw Lewis

So (confession) I got this book from my local LLL library... a year ago. Every time I've left for meeting I had the kids all loaded up and we'd be a block from the house and I'd go "Ooh the book!! Shoot, I am already running late. I'll remember next month!" I missed a few meetings during cold and flu season, or the car was in the shop.

A year later and it's getting ridiculous, I need to return it. This morning I remembered that I had it and determined this is the last month I will have the book in my house. I dug it out of the cupboard it's been sitting in for over 9mos. And went to put it in the van so that I CAN NOT forget! And I started thinking...

I mentioned in a quick post a few days ago about how burnt out I am. The feeling hasn't changed. Amity is learning to walk, and with that has massive separation anxiety. I mean above and beyond what it was before. I remember this was THE most intense time with Riley in her first year (though it was earlier because she was already walking full time at this point). Once she figured out the walking thing she calmed down a lot and things evened out. I am praying (erm begging.) that this happens for Amity. 90% of the time I feel like I'm coping okay. But there are some absolute insane hours of the day that I feel like I'm going to snap.

Clingy toddler. Clingy baby. Always feeling like I'm behind and never getting anywhere.

When I pulled out this book this morning I decided I needed to give it a re-read.

In the first few pages she tells a story of how she was hanging out with another Mom-friend who was told by her doctor that she was too stressed (her hair was falling out). She said some thing like, "I don't know why I'm stressed, it's not like I work, I'm just a Mom."

The author comes around to explain how she was preparing a lecture (she had 5 kids and gave night lectures/taught at a local college 2 evenings a week) entitled "Playing with Kids All Day': Job Stress in Early Childhood Education."

Her lecture notes:

• an excess of novelty and uncertainty
• lack of control
• high expectations
• no clear guidelines or measure of success
• frustrations
• low status and low pay
• poor accountability
• ideals versus reality

She goes through the book discussing each of these issues and other things like ...The causes and effects of motherhood stress. Ways to find balance and take care of yourself and relieve some of that stress...What Fathers can do to relieve motherhood stress.

I'm going to read this again and post a full review...Or at least a few posts on the subject. It's some thing I really want to think about. I definitely need some tools for surviving (and maybe even possibly finding more joy in???) the next few years.

I hope it gets easier. I'm hoping I can find a better balance for where I'm at right now. Or maybe I just need a new perspective? But I am seriously going to have hair issues too if some thing doesn't change.

I promise local LLL, I will return this book in August...But before then I'm diving in to it again.

Angelina Jolie...Parenting 6 littles is "easy"

I came across this article, and it runkled me.
And I quote:

It’s easy when they’re small, she says, and don’t require much emotional
support. But as they get older, “they’re going to need a lot more talking in the
middle of the night, like I did with my mom for hours. We want to make sure we
don’t build a family so big that we don’t have absolutely enough time to raise
them each really well.”

What PLANET is the woman living on?

Okay I certainly shouldn't be surprised by this. It is Angelina Jolie for crying out loud. It's just so sad to me because this is the predominant mindset in our culture: that children "don't [or shouldn't] take much when they're little." Or that if you're a good parent your kids don't take much from you, at any stage.

And I think this mindset sets a lot of new parents up for convenience parenting. which bottom line, is neglect.

Now I'm not saying a parent has to do a, b, and c to be a "good" parent. But I do think our cultural mindset that "when they are little it is easy" should make us pause.

Easy why? Easy how?

We do children a big mis-servce (and even some extensive damage) when we view them as these little automatons until they hit their teens. Instead of individual unique people. People with very real needs and feelings.

I won't go into the neglect and abuses the babies and children in our culture endure.

But I do want to ask why this mindset that the teen years are "so hard", and take up so much time? Yes the teen years are full of change. It is intense. But why harder work? Different work, but parenting is always work.

I think the change could be compared quite closely to that of toddlerhood. The toddler is no longer a baby. But lacks the emotional and physical skills of a child. The toddler is developing fine and gross motor skills, as well as discovering the boundaries of life.

While Teens are no longer children. They still lacks the emotional and physical freedom of an adult. The Teen is transitioning into more responsibility and making decisions about the direction their life will take. Finding the balance as the boundaries slowly change as the young adult matures and is ready to leave the nest.

Both these transitions take a LOT of energy and work!

I'm not come to any other conclusions in this post. I haven't parented long enough to. But I will say that I wonder if you parent your children consistently all along. Especially in the early years giving lots of time building a strong connection and bond...Maybe the teen years won't be as much drama and conflict as you envision?

Bottom line, if parenting six small children is "easy", I need a few good nannies.

:0.

The Greater Problem...Parenting

THIS ARTICLE (from Secular Homeschooling) is AWESOME. It got me all fired up on facebook and I did that "write a whole long thing before the link and then 3 comments afterwards" thing.
When I could just post about it here. and put up THAT link But I feel awkward, this blog still feels so private to me. Though I don't mean for it to be, I want to be open about my parenting, shout from the roof top...

What would I shout? Definitely not, "do it like me!" Because that's the whole problem. So many are doing it like some one else, and so few are thinking for themselves: even when it may make them different. (gasp).

Quote:

"But the world is a difficult place, and parenting is a difficult job. Some people would rather have someone tell them exactly what to do than have to think things through for themselves — especially since making one's own decisions means taking full responsibility when, inevitably, mistakes are made and everything doesn't go perfectly.

What these people don't learn until it's far too late is that letting someone else make the decisions for you is a decision, too. And if you follow someone else's directions for what they promise will be the perfect life, you're still responsible for every one of the actions on that to-do list you decided to let someone else write up for you."

and...
"This is about thinking for oneself versus handing one's thinking apparatus over to someone else and begging them to tell you what to do."

Parenting is HARD work. There are no easy or quick fixes. It's time for parents (especially parents who profess to follow Christ) to start thinking for themselves. Be wary of any teacher who says their way is "guaranteed" to make a baby sleep, bring up well disciplined and happy healthy kids...bla bla bla. If you're looking for Christian teaching on the family the emphasis should be on the fact that God is a PERSONAL God. The book should be encouraging you to crack open your Bible and pray through these issues for yourself.

Not fear mongering and guilting you into submission and agreement on the point they are trying to make. Example: "it's your fault your baby/child isn't doing XYZ...you obviously weren't following the program closely enough."

Or it's your fault your child IS doing XYZ. You obviously weren't being consistent enough with what we said."

Or a parent does follow and every thing to a T and it blows up in their face (you know little things like, beating the child to death. Or to the point where they are taken from you by CPS. Or you baby is diagnosed with failure to thrive and is hospitalized. Because silly thing, but your breasts make and store milk differently than the next Mom. And your baby actually DID need to eat more often than every 3 (or two! Or one!) hours. Or your milk supply disappeared (for the same reason), shucks! The response? "Well you obviously misunderstood what we were saying."

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY.

Anyway back from the rabbit trail (did I get on one? hmm...), the point I'm really trying to make: Our God doesn't make cookie cutters. He has a specific plan for every parent, baby, and family. So much of what we are conditioned to think of as "moral issues" are actually a culteral bias. Or just plain ignorance.

Examples: where and how baby sleep. In the USA babies are expected to sleep alone pretty much from day 1. In other countries the majority of babies sleep with their parents (or mother) from birth well into the toddler years. Another culteral bias: "children should be seen and not heard." That toddler tantruming in the grocery store? Yes, annoying. But the child is not sinning for crying (okay screaming) because Mom dragged them out at lunch time and they are HUNGRY and ready for a nap...You get the picture. Don't judge, they are little and immature and doing all they know to do in the circumstance. That said, Mom take your baby (I mean 3 year old) home as fast as you can, we've all been there but no one likes hearing it. Okay THAT was a rabbit trail.

So in closing, I do "over think" what I do as a parent, I admit it. But I'd rather be guilty of that, than get to the end of my parenting years and be filled with regret that I didn't pray and seek God's face more when it came to my children- and how I treat and raise them. Babies and children are human too, they have feelings just as real as any adult. And they should be given just as much consideration. They are also heedless, foolish and children: they take a LOT of time and training (ie TEACHING: modelling appropriate behavior, and lots of consistency with boundaries: over and over and over again).

I thought least 4 times this morning that being a parent is so big and difficult. At one point this morning I wanted to quit. The girls were just overwhelming. I feel like I fail all the time. But I'm always going to keep trying, keep extending grace to myself and to my children, and keep praying that I'll continue to grow. That God will continue to drop information in my lap to pray over so I can make informed decisions for my family.

That article said so many thing that I wish I could go into...But that one subject was on my mind today. Please take a read and encourage those who are considering adopting the Pearls teaching to look elsewhere! Their teaching not only damages families and children. It gives Christians and homeschoolers a bad name.

To recommend: Dr. Tim Kimmel has an awesome book on parenting that gives a really new (well not really new) look at Christian Parenting in the American/Western culture.. It's called, Grace Based Parenting (it truly isn't a book on permissiveness 'grace covers all so let your kids do their thing" but on the Father Heart of God). Take a read of that, it has so much crystallized in my heart how I don't want to parent: out of fear...But knowledge and love.