Friday, September 9, 2011

Birth Plans...Journey to 2VBAC

Our sweet Newby (facing down with spine along top...You can see her ear and hand on her face and another foot [or hand?] up near her face). Not the best 20 week u/s pic we've ever had, but sweet just the same!)

I'm going to have to keep this brief, I think. Right now I'm sitting with stomach bare and Friendly talking to the baby. She keeps wanting to be wrapped in her blankie and snuggled with her cheek against my belly to feel Newby. She's needing a lot of extra snuggles lately. I think she's getting her two year molars and has been extremely temperamental.We've been having a rough week.

I have an appointment set up for next week to interview the OB I'm interested in.  I am really excited about exploring this option. I feel like it's an integral part of my healing process from Roo. Planning a Hospital VBAC. Whether I achieve this, or go down this path fully...Time will tell.

I've been looking through the ICAN Pregnancy Resources to get a feel for what I'd like to ask him. It's not so much what I care what he says, it's the vibe I get in the meeting. Can I trust him?

I think my biggest fear in this process is that I'll have over estimated the great things I've heard about this OB. I'm scared he'll be just like all the other crap "mainstream" providers I've come across. He'll condescend, lay out extremely restrictive "rules" for VBAC, and then sprinkle a few dead baby, lost uterus horror stories to end the meeting (I've literally had this happen TWICE).

I'm afraid I'll cry or stutter. I'm afraid we won't click. I kinda feel like this guy is my last hope in finding what I'm looking for in OB support. Really, every other office in the area I've called during this pregnancy (and there have been several) has left me with a terrible feeling. The lady I talked to on the phone the other day was WONDERFUL. Kind, and understanding. She didn't bat an eye (not that I could see her) when I told her I'm 20 weeks with out prenatal care. She was even understanding of the kids SCREAMING in the background (literally Roo had a sore throat by the time she finished that freak out session) and was just KIND.

And as a side note, why do the kids always do that the minute I start and important phone call? I try to set us up for success for these things (give them snacks, put on a DVD, explain I'll only be a few minutes and they need to be quiet etc) and they always go south! I try to avoid phone calls like the plague right now. Phone calls mean they will immediately either have an emergency that CANNOT wait. Or they will commence murdering each other.

Anyway, I don't have this "pie in a sky "idea of what he'll expect of me. I expect constant fetal monitoring. I expect (possibly) a heplock, I expect several things that don't appeal. There are only a proverbial hills I'm willing to die on, and those aren't them.
But I want to hear what his "policy" would be in the case of a non-emergency (where I'm not under general anesthesia) cesarean would look like. I want to explain how traumatic Roo's birth was. I WANT TO BE HEARD! And I want to hear what he would do differently. I want him to be part of my TEAM (and from what I've heard of him, I think he will take the mentality of "team member" not "ALMIGHTY OB"). I want to know I can trust that if I or the baby need a surgical birth I will feel safe, cared for, and respected. That I will NOT under any circumstances consent to certain ways of doing things (arms strapped down for one!).  I need to have that understanding over all the other crap I might have to put up with (given the setting).

Ideally, he wouldn't bat an eye about the fact that I've had a cesarean (because I've had a successful VBAC already). In my ideal scenario he'd be responsibly cautious but not fear-driven. He'd let me have my way on every thing (hey, I'm being ideal here!).

Ideally he wouldn't be a stressful option at all. I'd feel supported and covered.

I want to have my ducks in a row this time.  I want to know that should some thing be out of the ordinary I have been responsible and made choices that protected Newby and I as best was in my power to do so.

I feel like a big part of healing from the pain, betrayal and disillusionment I went through with Roo is fully exploring and remembering. Preparing and planning this hospital birth scenario. Will it go as I planned? Most likely not, birth never does. Is it worth the time, effort, and cost? Absolutely.  I have to do this. I have to pursue this. I have to KNOW I am safe. Friendly's birth, under the stress and emotional mire I was stuck in: TRULY a miracle. My body can't birth like that again: it was a trauma of it's own.

I'm ready to face some old ugly memories, face them, and do what I can with what I have. I want to find real healing.

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