My ideals and my reality haven't meshed. It hasn't all been misery, but it hasn't been...well, ideal!
I think there is some thing about your kids getting older and having them out number you (which only takes 2!) that makes you realize: you're never going to be the parent you want to be. It's a hard pill to swallow.
|Mommie and her 4 mos old Roo Girl.|
Those lofty "I'm going to be ___________ (an awesome, organized, well disciplined, gentle, kind and empathetic, cool) kind of Mom." was easy to believe when I just had Roo. I could do it 8 times out of 10. My feelings of failure (and actual failures) were pretty low in the grand scheme. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all ice cream and apple pie. She was not an "easy" baby! It was HARD. It was more work than I could have ever imagined! But if I were to compare it to a game: I was catching on and winning. The gentle, organized, present parenting thing wasn't too hard. She was just a baby after all!
Then Friendly arrived. I had a whole boat load of outside stresses (I really look back on those stresses and wonder how I survived: seriously!), but when it came to "just parenting" aspect I felt like I was doing okay. My kids needs were met, it was a lot of sacrifice. It was a lot of work. But we were making it. I felt like a good Mom.
And they grew....
We're all very different people. We all have different ideas of how thing should BE. Their little ideals are different than my ideals. Balancing life three ways gets messy. Add Newby into the mix (as, even now, her little needs add a glitch in things too!) and it gets to be a bit chaotic.
This morning was the definition of "I hate my life". I feel so western, selfish, ugly, and horrible to feel that way. After all: life isn't ideal. But I have 2 healthy, gorgeous kids. An amazing healthy third miracle growing inside of me. An over-the-top amazing supportive and incredible husband. A wonderful home (that we live in ALONE!!!!) with all the comforts I could ever ask for. I have good food to eat, clothing that is comfortable and looks decent, and so many hundreds of small blessings that I don't think I could fit them in a book. Life is simple, but it's a gift.
And yet I focus on what's wrong. I don't think I'm a pessamist....but okay, I probably am.
Money is really tight and we're still trying to figure out how things come even every month (it is God).
My list of "what's not ideal" would look like this:
Ideal would be... Having 2 working vehicles in pristine condition that never ever get messy (I'd take just having both working at this point). That would be ideal.
Ideal would be not having a cesarean scar on my abdomen.
Ideal would be 200% job security for Hubs.
Ideal would be knowing how ends are going to meet, at all times.
Ideal would be LOVELY.
Ideal doesn't exist.
This morning was ugly. It was the kind of ugly where (after losing my temper and making every one else miserable and wishing for ideal) I locked the kids in the apartment (I could hear them) and sat outside the door plugging my ears and taking REALLY deep breaths (okay, I really didn't want to hear them: I guess if they were killing each other I would have heard the dying shrieks in time to save them, maybe).
Breath in....breath out...this sucks....breeeeeeeeath in......breeeeeeath out.... breeeeath....breeeeath...breeeath. THIS SUCKS!!!! Why can't my kids be happy? (ideal). Why doesn't the van work? (ideal). Why do we have to struggle so much? Why can't money grow on trees? Why the heck did I chooses THIS?!? (staying home with my kids). Should I make some changes? Oh yeah, great move, right smack dab while growing another baby. Why am I always so frustrated, why can't I be the Mom I want to be.
And the truth (ugly or beautiful, hard to say) hit me. I can resent and run from my reality. Or I can be present and accept the grace to carry through.
Life isn't ideal. It's okay. to say it! But suck it up...Or you'll miss the joys. Some times (mot of the time!) they are hidden...But they are always there waiting for you.
So I went inside, apologized to my amazing kids. And we went for a walk in the rain.
|Roo dancing up a "River"...|
|Friendly concentrating so she doesn't lose a boot!|
|How could I ever miss the amazingnes of THEM?|
|We called this being a "puddle patter"....That made us all laugh when we tried to say it FAST.|
|REALLY deep puddle, we played in this one a LONG time.|
|We found mushrooms in a neighbors yard.|
|Roo saw me walking with my hands in my pockets and discovered what a cozy treat it is.|
|Friendly caught on as well|
|The drain grate with the "water down dere" was very interesting.|
Today I have a new goal. Stop looking at where I'm falling short of my ideals. And accept the Grace to find where reality really sits. My ideals aren't the be all, end all. They are just, ideals. Reality is what matters.
|These imperfect, amazing little rain buddies ARE my reality.|