I miss...

my breastmilk. I miss prolactin. Ah warm fuzzy happy hormone I took you for granted!!! I took the peaceful mothery feelings you gave me, the calmness and patience you imparted- all that for granted. I didn't realize how much you helped untill you left me. I really don't like my daughter much when you aren't around. :0/

SO... I think my lack of any thing near patience is in part due to the fact that I'm getting really pregnant. I mean uncomfortably preggo. My belly is aching, my pelvis is constantly being beaten and attacked by a fiesty little head. And also due to the fact that my lovely milk making prolactin has left me. I really really really don't like this stage of pregnancy. My fuse is so so so so short. It really scares me some times.

I miss enjoying my "baby". I hate how every one keeps reminding me she's not a "baby" any more- she IS a baby... She does not think like a child, she certainly doesn't act like a child 90% of the time, she's still such a baby...And I want to enjoy my last 3 months with just her. I hate how this pregnancy is changing everything. I hate that I can't enjoy her as much as I want becuase a lot of the time it is all being drowned out by what feels like sheer hatred for my nursling. Seriously HATRED when she nurses some times. Especially when I'm touched out. Today I nursed her when she woke up from her waaaay too short nap... It had been an extremely busy day after a hard night. She fell asleep in the car and I brought her in to the house laid her down- she woke up!!! I nursed her untill I couldn't any more and then I laid next to her and held her, then I rolled away from her... Nope she wasn't going to go back to sleep. After 25 minutes of trying to pretend I was sleeping she wasn't having any thing of it- she was fussing and laying in bed AWAKE. I was sooo annoyed. I left her in her bedroom to cry for a few minutes while I got the groceries out of the car and warmed up some lunch for her... I went up and got her and fed her and she's been watching sesame street ever since...I feel guilty for letting her watch ANOTHER episode (she alreayd watched a full one this morning)- but I've HAD it.

Seriously some times I just want to wean her and be done- cut her off get her to leave me alone. But honestly blaming breastfeeding for all this isn't truely fair. I am not really angry at the fact that I'm still breastfeeding, it's uncomfortable but it's nothing like it was in the early days when it was her soul source of nourishment... Oh those torturous feedings- THEY were bad, they are the reason I have massive scars.

No, I'm angry that every thing is changing... Changing when I didn't think it was going to fo r a long time yet. And all the changes are exhausting- I know I'm being stretched into my new role, mother of TWO... But all the stretching hurts. I don't remember it being so intense with RJ. All the emotional craziness is really draining.

Well I am going to drink some more water try to get RJ down for a late afternoon nap, and then ... I don't know...I need to exercise. I'm trying to do 2 miles with Leslie Sansone and 20 minutes of prenatal yoga exercises to help baby get in a good position.

I jus tneeded to vent.

I was thinking about some thing else... A friend of mine is pregnant with their first child, she's due in a couple of weeks and I was just looking at their maternity pictures- beautiful. I look at them all glowing and excited to meet their new baby... And I remember Ryan and I - and I feel a little jealous of their newness. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into that point, that point of cluelessness. Becuase those newborn days are intense, they change your entire life. And I think as I prepare for this new baby I look back at my first days with RJ and ... I dont' know nastalgia, nausea, and anxiety all just overwhelm me. I can't wait to hold my new baby, I can't wait... But at the same time I am dreading it... I am dreading all the changes... All the newness, of trying to learn and understand a completely new human being. First-time parents will never understand waht they are getting htemselves into, and it's the way it should be- other wise I don't think we'd procreate!!!