shrug

I've been really overwhelmed the past several weeks. To the point where I'm a bit concerned about myself. I feel out of control. I feel angry. I feel so hurt. I feel a great lack of support and understanding. Mainly from my Mom- some of this stems from the first few weeks after Amity was born and I just felt so abandoned. I feel so disappointed. There was a time where I was used to her disappointing me. She's only human, but I felt like the Amity thing was the last straw. Like it was unnecessary.

And now the house has me completely stressed out. I'm feeling a bit better about that today, I got some cleaning done yesterday. I've just spent the last 6 months feeling like a failure because I can't keep up with every thing. I am so tired -especially since Amity's sleep "regression" a few months ago- that its' all I can do to feed and take care of the girls. I try to do something for myself every day, be it a walk or a work out because the endorphins keep me sane. And read my bible when they are distracted- doesn't happen as much as I'd like. And I have been keeping up with cooking meals pretty well considering all that- but still lagging and the complaints and disappointment from the hubs is hard. And some weeks I have a better week. Some days are good and others are really bad. It's been a long stage of more bad than good lately.

Please don't over react to this post, I'm just being honest and trying to vent. I think also some thing clicked the other day and I don't know. I'm just .

Feeling sad. Not in a "crying all the time" kind of thing but. I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm coming to the surface from the intense Mommy sea I've been swimming in the past few years. I'm seeing all the changes. Changes in me, my body, my friendships: my "sphere" if you will. And feeling a sense of loss. Don't get me wrong, there have been so many other GOOD changes, so many people I have met in Mommyhood who have enriched my life, helped me. But old friendships have withered and some of them make me so sad. I just don't have the time and energy- and I know doors closed. But I'm grieving those friendships.

I'm feeling frustrated with where I'm at in life. Last night when Amity wasn't sleeping and I was so tired I wanted to scream and throw her out the window I actually went as far as to dream up my escape plan. What I would do, where I would go. I realized while I was nursing her to sleep (finally!) that I wouldn't, honestly seriously could NEVER do that. But I'm so burnt out it's tempting some times, and kind of a stress relief to dream of the plan.

Dream of the place where I get to do what *I* want for hours and days on end. Not be needed intensely all the time by 3 intense people. Have expectations that I can never live up to- my own mostly but some of it is just the stress of the big house and not enough help. Not have unending, relentless, boring dull repetitive, jobs that are thankless and never finished. The minute I get some thing cleaned Sam comes through and cooks a meal. Or my Mom will go on a cleaning spree and 'organize" but leave more things for me to take care of, things I wasn't planning on dealing with at the moment and don't have the energy to even think about. FRUSTRATING.

There will be rewards down the road, eventually my children will grow up. I will some how insanely miss this. I'm just exhausted right now. BURNT OUT.

And yet my husband helps so much, he feeds RJ for the most part when he's home, he takes the kids when I ask, he cooks meals on occasion, he HELPS. What MORE can he really do?

I'm just so tired.