Friday, April 2, 2010

This is a vent

Happy Good Friday.

Yesterday was a bit chotic. I woke up and came down to a very messy house. And an annoucment: my mom's bestfriend was coming over. So not only did I need to get the kids ready to go, pack a picnic lunch, do 2 loads of laundry (so we'd have some thing to WEAR that day- I'm so bedhing), run and mail stuff at the post office. I'd also have to clean up the living room, dinning room and make the kitchen look some what presentable before I left at 10:30.

I some how did it all. Only to come home at 4:30 pm with two babies who missed nap, to a house torn apart because my Mom's friend had to leave early and Mom got into project mode- and went shopping... And to a husband who walks in the door and his first words are "I'm exhausted."

I will not say the word I want to scream in his face when he says that when he gets home. EXHAUSTED??!??!?! BUddy you don't know what that MEANS.

Then today, after a rough nights sleep I get up at 6:20 with my bright eyed baby and come down to chaos in the kitchen (in fairness hubby DID make breakfast), chaos in teh living room chaos EVERY WHERE I turn. ALl my work torn to bits and a baby clinging and crying and lots of laundry and things to do on top of all that. I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWAYS BIENG BEHIND ON HOUSE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby has to work outside, he HAS to- I did get a nap with baby- but he was outside working and RJ was toiddling behind. I wake up and he is doing his thing. I appreciate the fact that he's doing the garden up. But what pisses me off is that this is fun to him. I HATE my life right now. HATE IT at this moment. I am so sick of whiney screaming children, needs, needs needs 24 freakin 7. Tired of being woken up every moring at 4 am to a cranky baby who is awake with mouth pain and won't go back to sleep, won't nurse, just FUSSES and makes noise.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being groped and oggled and needs from my husband. I love him but I'm DONE with every thing right now. I didn't get a moment to myself and today was really no different than any other week day except I did have a bit less Riley time- but more hands on AJ time because she was super cranky.

I'm really good at pretending I'm okay about some thing. Or I can be in a moment and be cool. But I get to the end of the day and every thing has piled up on me all day and the reality is that I'm going to go to bed and be woken up every 30-45 min for a couple hours at a time. I HATE teething. ANd I'll wake up to a dirty house, dirty kitchen, the guilt that this isn't my house and dirty kitchen and I'm supposed to be keeping up with it because it's our mess and my Mom's not our maid...I'm just so sick of life right now. I just freaked out on Ryan. We were going to take a shower together, but we got up there nad I saw the messy toys, the tub full of water, the clothes and dirty diapers that didn't get picked up and I lost it. I didn't want to be in a shower with any one, I wanted to be alone. I wanted some time to BREATH, I didn't want to be touched, or to cuddle I want some breathing time, to not have to do any of this any more. I'm so sick of messes that I didn't make, over and over and over and over day in and day out... Especially dishes- I ahte washing other peoples dishes- by hand because the dishwasher is broken- has been for over a year. I'm sick of it.

To the point where I'm just done.

end of vent.

ps. I'm really not dangerous I just feel a little crazy right now. I'm tired and it was a really long battle getting AJ down for the night- she fought and screamed and pinched nad wouldn't nurse nad my husband was outside obsessed with the damn garden. I wanted a break. And the kitchen just ticks me off more than any thing.

Oh and we're having like 20 people over on Easter Sunday- so the hosue has to be cleaned tomorrow. I hate living with family. HATE it.

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