VBAC vs Csection

I think the closer we get to the baby's birthday the more I think about my last days with Riley inside of me... The more I think over labor with her, and delivery, and our early hours with her, and the early weeks with her... I have a few happy memories from that time, but for the most part I was in so much pain, so doped up and so sick with gall bladder issues that the whole first 3months of her life are really a painful blur. I think the further away from that, the more I can recognize how difficult it was. How hard of a time I had bonding with her...I think if I hadn't always wanted to be a Mommy, wasn't so determined to breastfeed (which really really got us off to the warm fuzzy relationship- though it took several weeks to get there) and wasn't so just plain determined I would have a very different relationship with Riley Joy...Or maybe that's just part of being a first time Mom to some extent... It's all so surreal and hard to believe that you have a precious baby in your arms?? I don't know...I guess I will know the difference some day soon.

Someone on GCM shared this video and it made me cry. I am so looking forward to this baby's birth, so looking forward to the immediate bonding and holding my baby. I'm looking forward to Riley Joy being in the house and able to meet her new brother or sister immdiately... I am so looking forward to a hot shower shortly after the birth, wearing MY clothes, and climbing into MY bed and snuggling with my babies and my husband.

I am praying my VBAC will be as beautiful as this one...

http://vimeo.com/5648654

Today...

I became THAT pregnant woman. If I swore, and didn't have a sponge of a toddler near me at all times, I would have been going at it like a sailor. The contractions are unreal, I hate my husband (no I don't. But I want to when I'm having a contraction and he's commenting on how he didn't trip me I tripped myself...I AM RIGHT- I am RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING untill this baby is BORN!!!!! Oh and if I didn't get some thing done today becuase I'm tired OH WELL!!!!!!!!!! I can't nest like a mad woman every day) I am unbelievably miserable at this moment. I had my 38 week appointment this morning, now 2cm and 20% effaced. Baby is at 0 station- possibly +1 and I wouldn't doubt it after this evenings walk, I am losing my mind with the pressure. I feel like I have to poop constantly, peeing is so uncomfortable I am seriously moaning every time I sit on the toilet to pee. I am going crazy.

Baby's heart rate was 140bpm and still LOA.

I feel like such a terrible wuss - 2 more weeks of this??? I know, I know in the grand scheme 2 weeks is NOTHING, even another 4 weeks is NOTHING. It'll go by in a blink and I'll have my baby in my arms. I'll miss this close special time I get with just baby. But rolling over in bed makes me want to cry, going from sitting to standing makes me whimper and dd has started saying "oooooow" when she sees me stand up or sit down- becuase that's what I am saying with every centemeter I'm moving. I feel like I am on my period- the worst period of my life... The baby's shoulder is jabbing into my back when I have a contraction and it HURTS. I don't feel like I can do this much longer, take that ANY LONGER.

And I am grumpy and annoyed over stupid pointless stuff. My Mom wants to have company on Sunday after church, I want ot scream- I don't want any one to see me like this, hugely swollen incredibly preggo and slightly insane. And yes just down right bitchy. AND I don't want ANY plans for the weekends right now- doesn't she understand- plans might inhibit me from going into labor!!!!!!!!!!!!! KEEP THE DAMN PEOPLE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! She already had a house full of girls (my cousins ages 6,9,11) over LAST weekend- yeah I wasn't expecting to go into labor but STILL. AND they left a huge crazy incredible annoying mess that I am still trying to catch up on! And they wasted several cups of OUR milk. They just left it sit out and didn't drink it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just bought the gallon on Friday and it's almost GONE!

Oh and then "people" complain about aches and pains (*cough* my Mom *cough*) or being tired (*cough* Ryan *cough*) and I want to kill them...Yes KILL!!!!!

In case you can't tell I am not sensoring myself very well at the moment- I am freaking incredibly beyond any thing miserable.

After this child is out I am never ever ever ever ever having sex again. I'm not kidding.

Toddler Tai

I am just so proud of this...

It rolls up super super small to pop in the diaper bag! We'll just need to remember a baby doll in the car and we're always set. :0)

It's a Mei Tai for RJ to wear. :0) With a "leash" so that I can keep her tethered to me when we're out and about... This way she can wear HER babies while I wear her little brother or sister. And she can't get away from me! :0)

just trying to work it out...

The evening was pretty miserable last night. Just standing up makes the contractions every 2 minutes and STRONG...Walking makes them pinchand burn in my cervix- and need to pee non-stop.

No position was comfortable there for a few hours, laying on my side was the only way the contractions slowed down. It was getting to the point where I was getting a little panicky about getting them to stop- they hurt and I just don't want to deal with any thing untill the baby is actually coming.

Ryan blew up the birth pool for me last night we filled it up to see how our hot water heater would do with it and see what would work best as far as water level- that way there is no goofing around with it when I'm in labor and NEED it... And it was a nice excuse for me to climb in and soak for a long time- it felt soooooOOOOooo good, I was still contracting but I think I only had 3 or 4 while in there- the baby really seemed to like the water.

I slept REALLY well after all the nice soaking, I didn't get to bed untill after 11 but RJ didn't make a peep (that I remember) last night and we both slept in untill 8 so, I still got a really great nights sleep. I mean besides waking up every time I needed to roll over, or to get up to pee a few times...

I'm trying to decide on what we're going to do today. I have some housework I've gotta get done today... I was thinking about taking Riley to the mall this morning and letting her run around (with the puppy pack) there for a while- it's rainy out today and I don't feel like being stuck in the house ... I'm just a bit torn, most of me just wants to stay on the couch or in bed for the next month, I really am honestly in no hurry to get this baby out. I seriously feel like it could happen any time now almost like this baby is pretty much ready, and I'm the one holding up the works. I just feel sad and scared of all the changes coming. Seriously, as uncomfortable as I am, I really really really am not ready. And in the grand scheme of things 3 or 5 weeks isn't that long... DAYS seems like it's a blink- and ...well I'm just nervous about all the new stuff on the way. I'm a little scared about the changes for Riley Joy- I just want her to be okay with every thing, I mean I know she will eventually if *I* am...But it's just weird. I never expected to feel THIS way.

Well going to go force myself to clean the kitchen and then decide what I'm up for today.

37 week appointment

And baby is engaged!!!

I felt like the baby dropped sometime on Saturday, my contractions went from just BH's to feeling downright pinchy/burny in the cervix area and the pressure down there is crazy- this baby already feels bigger than dd was at 39 weeks (6lbs15oz when she was born)- I've been getting up 5 or 6 times a night to pee and going every 30-60 minutes during the day- ANNOYING!

Last night the contractions changed to feeling more menstrual crampy and though they aren't horrible I still feel kinda miserable- if this were my period I'd totally be taking tylonol and curling up with a heating pad. As it is, drinking lots of water and resting.

I was really shocked when she said baby was at 0 station and LOA (YAY!- it's the most optimal position for birth) - I thought 2nd time baby's didn't drop untill labor started- I was looking forward to that...Engagement is so uncomfy! My MW said every thing looks really great and that I should have ordered my birth kit "yesterday" (I've been procrastinating....). She said if baby comes before the kit arrives it's not the end of the world and we have a loose plan to do with out. I'm sure the kit will get here before baby.

I am just feeling so emotional about the baby coming, over the weekend I was feeling so sad and final- like it was our last weekend, as a family of 3- totally irrational because it's very unlikely baby will be born before next weekend. You think I would have accepted all these changes by this point (this pregnancy was a huge surprise out of nowhere), but I've struggled and circled around and around in my feelings about every thing... I do some thing to get ready for the baby and I get really excited...I remember RJ's newborn days (which are still so fresh in my memory ) and I am terrified. Read: screaming or constant nursing from 4-11pm every evening for 3 months. I think of holding and nursing a sweet new baby and I am excited...I remember how often you are nursing that sweet new baby and I feel overwhelmed. I was driving DH nuts this past weekend with how emotional I am over the whole thing.

I don't think it helps that Riley seems to either be feeding off me, or sensing herself the changes in the air. She has been SOOOOO cuddly (in a nice way) and clingy/fussy (not so fun) the past 4 days- I mean insanely so! Our girly is NOT a cuddler- never has been and all weekend all she wanted was to be held or snuggled- and swaddled!!!. ? Last night she was up for HOURS wanting to be held and cuddled (some thing that is very hard to do at this point in the pregnancy and get decent sleep).


Okay sorry just needed to vent. Oh I also had my midwife check me (with all this prodormal labor I wanted to see if it was doing any thing- I could feel a bit better about being miserable)...I am a roomy fingertip dialated (so around 1cm) and very very soft and effacing (around 10%). So good to know there is some progress, that much less I have to do in labor.

Weaning

Well today is the 2nd day in a row that RJ hasn't nursed. She definitely wants to cuddle my breast at nap time and bedtime. But has shown no interest in actually nursing. It's so sweet, I'll leave every thing out for her to cuddle with and she'll snuggle in give my breast a big juicey kiss. grin at me and say "Mommy" (which I swear means "I love you!") and snuggles in closer to fall asleep.

If this is weaning I have to say it's beautiful!! I'm not ruling out that she may want to nurse from time to time in the coming weeks- but in all honesty I am so done. I won't complain about a few days off her and there (or untill I have a new nursling!). I am so sore, and nursing while pregnant has honestly been the most challenging thing I have ever done- next to learning how to nurse in the first place. It has been painful and uncomfortable for months now and down right torture at points. I am just going to continue taking it one day at a time, enjoying these last days with just RJ...And who know what she'll do when my milk comes back? But she seems to sense the baby is coming really soon, and I wonder if she's decided to step down from her spot at my breast...Or if she's just giving me a little break? Either way, as sad as I am that our nursing days are coming to a close, I feel strangely fufilled...And relieved... And excited!!! I'm not going to change any thing, at nap and bedtime I will let her cuddle my breast untill it feels weird...But hopefully continue to do it after the baby comes- I want her to know that part of my body is for her too if she still needs it and changes her mind about weaning...Which happens in some LO's- deciding to wean is a big deal!

Cute thing she's doing this week, my belly is getting SO big that I think it's kinda coming between us when she's standing too close and looks up to tell me some thing...The past two days she has been looking up at me, and then going, "Mommy? OOH, BAAAAAABY!!!!" and reaches up to rub the baby and talk to my belly. It's like she gets shocked that my face isn't there and baby's is :0)

I'm getting really really really ready to meet this new person inside me. Emotionally I'm making a shift thinking more and more about this person, thinking about labor, processing every thing... I feel quieter some how, like my body is starting to get to the "I'm waiting on you baby" point.

Well that's all for now.

Home Visit

It's been a busy busy, emotional week. Jen came for the home visit on Wednesday afternoon. It went great! She brought the birth tub and Ryan and I are going to set it up some time next week to make sure it's all set and ready for the baby (make sure the inflatable tub doesn't need any patching and that it fits well in our bedroom.) we'll take it down right away- we don't need RJ trying to climb in it or throwing sharp objects into it (she loves to put things in containers right n0w).

Baby is doing well I'm measuring 37 weeks- still 2 weeks ahead and baby was actually LOP (left occiput posterior) when Jen felt around for him/her... Baby tends to stick LOA most of the time so here's hoping we can avoid any back labor with the baby, I'm on my knees leaning on my balance ball as I type this and honestly hands and knees is the only comfortable position these days I am just so so pregnant I don't think I got this pregnant with Riley, I didn't!

Baby's heart rate was 150bpm and s/he was squirming a lot during our visit. I am excited for labor to start, I am just so excited about being THERE and present for the whole thing...No drugs to totally black out hours of my life.

I've also been contracting and contracting and contracting. I actually called Jen Tuesday evening because I was having braxton hicks contractions every 2 to 3 minutes and I wanted her to be aware that my body was doing that...Now 3 days later the contractions are really really getting old, when I'm up walking around they are 2 to 3 minutes apart with some really "stop and be still" ones every 5 or so minutes- intense...When I'm resting they are only coming a few times an hour, but when I'm up and around some of them just feel like my abs, butt/tailbone and some how my ribcage is being compressed by a giant fist. Not painful, but really breath taking. :0. Definitely worse in the evening...Which makes me a little nervous- I hope it doens't mean I'm going to start serious labor at 6pm and have baby in the early morning. I am praying that labor starts in the early morning and baby is here by early to late afternoon- that would be perfect.

But I guess I don't have a say about it, do I? :0) Well just wanted to share, today is "dress like a cow" day at chick ful a I'll be sharing pictures of that for sure! :0P

Hmmmm

So the new sleeping arrangment seems to be working out great. RJ really really seems to enjoy having her own and defined space and I love that Ryan can do so much of the night time parenting- I think I've been sleeping through the night (as much as possible at 35 weeks preggo, still getting up to pee or dislodge a foot from my lung every few hours) since we moved things around...Riley seems to LOVE to cuddle with her Daddy and he has commented that he wakes up with her against his head a lot at night. I'm so glad. I think we'll be setting up the crib in a week or two- or maybe we'll wait untill after the baby is here, hook it up after the birth??? I'm not sure, still on the fence...I want to have the bed open and available incase I some how actually give birth there. I honestly don't see that happening... I'm not set on a water birth, I want to have the water there to labor, but I don't know if I care either way if baby is BORN there... I really see baby coming out with me squatting on the floor or hehe honestly, I really see the baby being born on the toilet. It just sounds really nice to me- very clean and I think it would enable me to open every thing up more easily if I'm not worried about every one involved watching me poop, ya know? Not that that is a huge hang up but the toilet just sounds lovely. :0)

We'll see, the bathroom may be way too hot to give birth in when the time comes...
So my "36" week home visit has been moved to THIS week, Jen is in town and she's going to come by on Wednesday... That means I do need to get a bit more done in teh bedroom tomorrow and clean up in general- the house looks like a bomb exploded- ah having a toddler it is absolutley incredible how messy they are, I cannot believe it!

In other news things are really ramping up... I have been having SO many braxton hicks contractions and baby really seems to enjoy bouncing his/her head on my cervix, oiye! It feels so weird. I am hoping I go a bit early, I mean I'm not really expecting to but going early would be really nice at this point I am so so tired of being pregnant.

I cannot believe I'm 35 weeks, one more week and baby is considered "full term" and we can move foward with the home birth!!

A Solution!!!

To our co-sleeping arrangments- it came to me in a flash last night and I'm really excited! I hope it works out, from what I can see it should work out well.

Here's a picture to explain:



It's obviously not to scale perfectly, and Ryan's dresser is a rectangle but it will be kitty-corner like that and I couldn't draw that unless I used a triangle. But it gives you the general idea currently our bedroom has the beds side by side taking up the entire wall coming with in a foot of the door and the heater- tight squeeze. The dressers and hopechest are on the opposite wall and my dresser is next to the heater by the A/C window sort of. Hope that makes sense. Needless to say this will be a BIG change, we've had it arranged this way since before RJ was born- yeeks!

I am hoping having RJ at the head of our bed will give us BOTH access to her (so I'm not doing all the night time parenting with her and the baby) while still maintaining her own bed area so we're not undoing the step we've taken in transitioning to her own space. She will be welcome in our bed, she can crawl in between our pillows easily and cuddle with us, but has her own room to sprawl out. Also with her bed against the wall (though with the window there I'm still planning on using one of our pretty wooden bedrails to keep her from messing with the window coverings and from rolling INTO the window.) there won't be as much worry about her falling out (though I've got her bed pretty well baby proofed at this point, the new arrangment will be better). And with my dresser at the head of her bed it will block the a/c from blowing on her and keep her comfortable, but Ryan and I will still be able to enjoy the air and stay cool!

With the crib set up sidecar there I will still be able to get out of bed easily (no more scootching down to the end of the bed!!) and I will have plenty of room to nurse, and baby will have a safe space to sleep on a firm secure mattress- but on the same level as our bed. And best of all Ryan and I will be able to share a bed and still take care of our babies! I'm quite excited. :0) All the mattresses for all 3 beds will be firmly secured together so there won't be any gaps for any one to slip into. One giant maze of a bed!

Today I am going to start cleaning up for the big re-arrangement happening first thing Friday morning (I want it out of the way!). I am also going to run to walmart and see if I can find some cute twin sheets on clearance for RJ- some one gave us a gift card and I'd like to get her some cute "big girl" sheets for the new transition...Set up her bed like a real bed with one of my old quilts from when I was little and her sheets and pillow case. :0)

I am so excited! :0)

Update: So I got started on the project, I was so excited I just decided to go for it. I moved Ryan's dersser, and my dresser, and the hope chest and vaccumed and then put RJ's bed where it's going to go... And my dersser is where it's going with this new arrangment and Ryan's dresser... And there is a path cleared for us to move our bed and set every thing up this evening when Ryan gets home from work. This is more what our room will look like (more to scale that is)

I'm excited to see how it will really look when it's all said and done, and how Riley will do with the change tonight. Tomorrow I'll finishe organizing and cleaning and then I can really really start setting things up in there for the new baby- I need to sort a lot of laundry and put all our newborn stuff in the changing table dresser and strip all the prefolds to use and we need a few more covers and then we're set. I'm really excited...But I'm sure no one would have ever been able to tell that.

Last update on this post: We got it all done! Now just to find homes for the random things that were displaced. This is what we ended up with: