And The Mommie Award Goes To...

Me.

It happened today. The moment I've been dreading. The moment where it hits home, she's been paying close attention.

So my darling 2.5 year old was sitting in her carseat. We were on our way back to a birthday party because she had had a little incident involving pee and some play equipment. Followed by a ride home in her sisters little pretty dress underwear/diaper cover. Because Mommie did not have any ugly, I mean any, emergency clothe in the van. I have mentally picked out the old pants underwear that are going to go live in our van (but thankfully we were only 10minutes from home so it wasn't too big of a deal!).

Anyway, every one was clean and in fresh clothes and we were on our way back. Little sister was not happy about being strapped in her seat.

Riley was soothing her. It was so refreshing! Usually when Amity's freaking out Riley starts yelling her out, trying (with vigor!) to be louder. It makes for a deafening and unpleasant ride. So today was a pleasant change and Ryan and I were grinning to ourselves listening to her trying to calm her little sister. SO sweet!

Riley(oh so softly!): It's okay Amity....shhhh. It's okay baby...shhh, it's okay....Shhhh. Aw sweetie, it's okay... shhhhhhh.

This goes on for a while...Amity continues to scream, maybe even a little louder.
Riley (starting to escalate): SHHH it's okay. Amity, it's O K A Y. Amity shhh!!!!!!!! AMITY! Amity will you SHUT UP!??!?!

Ryan and I didn't say any thing for a moment. Eventually Ryan found his voice and said "It's okay Riley you don't have to get upset about it. Amity will be fine when we get there."

I'm not proud to say it. But she learned it from me.

Amity has had SEVERAL rough patches when it comes to sleep in the last couple of months. I'm not just talking one or two wakings (those are GOOD wonderful nights!). I'm talking waking me 2-3 times an hour. By 2a.m. I am delirious and fed up. I'm not saying it's right, I'm definitely not proud of getting angry at my innocent little baby. And I have used those exact words "would you shut up." usually right before I start crying and slam Ryan in the ribs and tell him that she's his. That I'm D O N E. That she is going to get thrown out the window if I don't get some sleep. NOW! Yes again, not proud moments. And I truly never have felt that I could do that, or would ever do that...Okay I have felt at moments I could do that, but that's why Ryan is there! :0D

I guess Riley has been waking up for these lovely episodes (poor thing) and my little parrot mimicked me today. While I'm glad the sweet part lasted longer before she "shut up" part. I really need to watch myself. I SO struggle with self control when I'm sleep deprived. But no excuse. Time to gird up my loins and crack down on my responses in moments of frustrations. Time to be the grown up.

There is a quote that I love and it says:
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you. ~Robert Fulghum

Amen. Fulghum (whoever you were) amen.

There is a phrase floating around facebook that I avoid using. I'm weird like that when a lot of people are doing some thing I avoid it. I guess I'm just that cool. But today it fits: epic Mommie FAIL. seriously.

A Look at "Emergency" Cesareans

HEHE This VIDEO is sadly funny.

Cups

Menstrual Cups that is.... Some one on facebook shared this link with me and I found it very helpful as I'm considering investing in one. I have been considering it and reading about them since #1 was born. I just never got AF back long enough to do anything about it. :0D

So here's the link to the blog enjoy!

If You Have a Uterus You Need to See This!

This video is incredible!

I wonder if women would be so laissez faire about hysterectomies if they really understood how far reaching and important their reproductive organs are.. I certainly didn't realize how far reaching and big of a deal it was!

In my shoes...

This is for my own validation, it's been a rough few weeks.

6:05 a.m. wake up to a fussy teething one year old flopping all over me. I nurse her off an on until 6:20. She keeps rolling away and flopping all over the bed crying. She's not ready to be awake but she's hurting too much to fall back to sleep. Stupid teeth.
6:25 I must have dozed off and wake up yelling because she's pulling my hair, not okay kid. My husband comes into the room and asks me what I want him to do. WHAT DO YOU THINK!?!? He takes the baby and as he's leaving "please come down, I can't get any dishes washed with both girls.

I roll over to hear shrill screaming as Amity is carried away. UGH. I was up from 4-5:30 with nursing baby and heartburn. Nights she nurses a lot I get heart burn, nothing helps- except a snack. Maybe it's hunger, maybe it's the positions I'm laying in to nurse her. Who knows, all I do know is I never had heartburn before I had kids.

6:35 I am still listening to screaming off and on. I drag myself out of bed, dread. I cannot face those children for the next 11 hours. I grab the dirty diapers out of the diaper pail and take them with me down the stairs grabbing one dirty diaper on the stairs that never made it to the pail last night. I slam the basement door message to husband: I could have used more sleep why are you stressing about the dishes??? You got to sleep through the night for the most part bud!

I throw the diapers in the washer and put them on for a cold rinse...wade into the messy playroom (what's with the papers and crayons EVERY WHERE???) get on the computer and stare at the screen, ignoring the screaming upstairs. Breath in, breath out, breath in breath out...I'm not being touched, I'm getting time alone...waaaaake up.

Husband comes down and reminds about the dishes (that he wants to watch, while sweet I don't' want him to do it if it means I have to be with the kids) "I DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW!"not yelling but nearly so.
Breath in and out some more, please Lord help me to wake up so I'm not in this wretched mood all day.

I go back upstairs and head into the kitchen. No one has eaten breakfast, all over are reminders of what I did not accomplish yesterday after the kids went to bed. Apple slices leftover from dinner last night, onion skins on the counter. I start cleaning up. Interrupted every minute or two to redirect the 1 year old. Hubby washed a pot and I put it away and start working on the stack of dishes from yesterday. I know I should be more organized but at this point more organized would be paper plates and I keep forgetting to grab them at the store. It is what it is. I start toasting waffles for breakfast throw some eggs into a frying pan for protein, need protein.

#1 wanders through crying about some thing...#2 has dumped the dogs water and food and is having a grand old time making sludge. Then she starts slipping and falling in the mess and starts crying. Ergh. I get a towel and show her how to "clean" she starts wiping up the mess (at least pretending to) I clean a few more dishes and pop more waffles into the toaster. [Toaster] Waffles is a special treat and #1 is actually excited to EAT (gasp). I go back and pick up the rest of the dogs food to turn around and find that she's gotten into the pantry and is taking the plates and mason jars we store in there. I put those back and redirect her to the toys in the dining room. She starts screaming...I scramble to get her some breakfast. She is finally seated in her seat with some apple butter and waffle and munching away...I wash up a few more dishes, make more toaster waffles...Hubby comes down asking some question or other and requesting the waffles in the toaster. I get annoyed and hand him the plate of waffles that just came out (perfectly warm). Hubby packs up his leftovers for lunch and leaves for work. I finish the eggs and wipe down the counters. #1 comes back down and is now asking for her breakfast. I get her fed and scoop up #2 and clean her up and take her up to get her out of her soggy dog water/food PJ's and into a fresh diaper. I come back down to hear #1 in the bathroom cleaning herself off. Plus? She's got herself pretty soaked and is asking for more waffles. I redirect her to living room and finish getting my tea together. I turn on Elmo and open my Bible, in between sips of tea and redirecting toddlers off climbing up bookshelves (#1) standing on rocking chairs (#2) and in general disputes about toys I read a bit of Genesis until my tea is all gone. sadness.

I then sit on the floor and playing swimming pool and water park with #1 eventually she asks to go for a walk. I change diaper, find shoes, warmer shirts load #2 in the umbrella stroller and grab my MT for later. And we walk. It's a perfect morning, the breeze is blowing. the sun is shining. It's amazing. #1 chatters about baseball (we walk past tennis courts she insists it's baseball), cats in windows, sycamore trees (she knows the difference) and going to the rose garden... We decide we'll walk to the gardens this morning and see the ducks and throw sticks (we play pooh sticks).

It's a wonderful walk, we play hide and seek, we blow bubbles, we watch the ducks and the water flow down the creek on the bridge. Other than #2 falling into a rose bush because she was trying to reach the bird bath inside it was a wonderful outing.

We head home and #2 falls asleep on my back a few minutes from the house. #1 complains that she doesn't want to go home. We get home and I put on a video for #1 and promise to fix her lunch after I lay #2 down. Transfer is not a success #2 nurses for 10 minutes and that starts screaming. I bring her back downstairs and fix them both lunch. After lunch and clean up I turn Pooh video back on and let the girls play, I'm tired. 3 mile walk with 30+ lbs in front and 22lbs+ on my back, up and down a big hill = tired mama. I call my best friend to see how she's doing. We visit for a while, in between redirecting toddlers and cleaning up babies. Refreshed I decide to tackle nap time. I take #2 up first and attempt to nurse her down, 5 minutes in and she's having nothing to do with it, sleep that is: she's more than happy with nursing and popping off for kisses. sigh. Just then #2 barges in and announces "I don't want to take a nap."

Seriously?? She taken off her shirt, I pull out two more and have her choose one and wrestle her into it. She's screaming hysterically that she isn't tired and I'm trying to decide if I should laugh or cry... I do know that if I don't get some space I'm going to lose it. I turn out the lights and tell them both to go to sleep. #1 starts SCREEAMING I go get the phone and call hubby. Peeking in and standing outside the door while I talk to him so that the girls don't hurt each other. #2 is laughing at #1 go figure. Hubby has a calming effect and though he has no practical advice he is comforting. I go back into the bedroom #2 still calm lifts her hands for me. #1's storm is losing it's gusto. "RJ that is enough. It is nap time end of discussion. GO TO SLEEP." in the sternest voice I can muster. If all else fails I'll join her in crying give up and drive them down,. But nap time will pretty much be shot if I do, they only take 1/2 a nap in the car. My "stop it this is over the line" tone of voice seems to get through. She seems to realize she IS tired and falls asleep. #2 nurses gladly and joins her sister.

I sneak down stairs, get on the computer for a few minutes, and then lay down and fall asleep...I'm woken a few minutes later when my brother comes through the room and then leaves the door open and starts banging around in the kitchen. I lament for the 12,000,001 time this month that I wish we could move out NOW. I run up and close the door and I'm just drifting off when #2 wakes up SHRIEKING. Yup, she wakes up her sister. I go set #2 down some where safe and go in and try my best to resettle #1. I think she went back to sleep. I take a very cuddly #2 downstairs and snuggle her for 30 minutes until I hear her sister on the steps SCREAMING bloody murder. Oh shoot.

The next 25 minutes are pretty much all screaming. I turned on more Pooh, dole out snack and have been typing in between redirecting and I'm tired. And it's just 3 now. :0( 2.5 hours until hubby gets home.

HAHA Reading over this was cathartic. Makes me realize how much I do, and don't do and wish I could do and how rude I can be. I love my husband, he is ht emost partient and wonderful guy on earth. I promise I'm not this bad every day. :0.

Okay...Lactivism

I am a lactivist, I admit it. I have to hold myself back from accost new Moms about breastfeeding when I hear they are expecting. I try to be discreet in my passion for breastfeeding. I've learned to mellow out a bit. But almost every thing on this list describes me...I can't count how many dates Ryan and I have been on when it was a huge subject of conversation, I really am that obsessed. I love breasts, I love how they were intended and designed to work... I really think I might become certified at some point to teach breastfeeding classes or some thing. At some point maybe I will become a Le Leche League Leader. I am passionate about helping new Mom's postpartum, and beyond. I don't want them ever to go through what I went through with my first baby.

Read it and chuckle, if you know me in person (or even in some online forums where I've been MORE than vocal ;0) you will laugh at me.


oh my gosh i'm a lactivist!

One of those ...Weeks

Months?

We've had a busy month. A crazy month. As a family we've come to a bend in the road and I'm feeling a little sad and overwhelmed. In general this month has made me realize some things and I'm excited for the things it's shown me. We have lived with family for the past 3 years.

As these things often go it was only supposed to be 6mos to a year at most. When I got pregnant with Riley I was so sick I couldn't work any more. We also realized our old damp and cold apartment would never work for our family...We couldn't afford to stay there with out my working at least part time: so we moved out, and in with my widowed mother (and then 20 year old brother) who owns a fairly large house on a double lot.

At first it was crazy, trying to find a place for every thing, I was still sick and pregnant and in general miserable. Then our baby arrived and life the first 6mos was insane- A lot of illness on my part and just trying to deal with every thing and heal. I mainly kept to our bedroom and did very little cooking.

Then the bedroom started to be cramped so I branched out to the living room... We started to look for another place, our own place, to live. But as we looked we realized we'd need me to work and my Mom pointed out that she was planning on going to a foreign country in a year and a half to live for at least a year, and she wanted us to keep the house.

We decided to settle in and stay put. A few months later when she realized that she really wouldn't be able to go until she was tenured at her job and could take a sabbatical - I found myself pregnant again. I did work through much of that pregnancy and had hoped to work after the baby arrived: but my client died (home health care).

That was the most emotionally draining time in my life. Unexpected pregnancy, fear of the delivery (going for a VBAC), and drama at home my brother (age 21) invited his 18yo girlfriend to live with all of us. I was the one home all day with them (they worked night shift) it was TERRIBLE. Truly a night mare. I was trapped, felt trapped. That was most of that pregnancy.

And then my baby arrived and I was mothering 2 small children under two years of age, trying to do it all and still living with my brother (thankfully minus the girl friend). I felt betrayed, abandoned and exhausted. I have never been stellar at housework, when we had our own place I kept on top of it pretty well...But sharing a kitchen has just depressed me, overwhelmed me and made me feel like a hamster on an endless wheel of futility. I'd clean, and my brother would come through and leave a mess. On top of having a toddler (and now another one!) where the only way things stay "clean" is when I leave the house: well you get the picture. I have been frustrated for a VERY long time.

Two weeks ago I snapped. It might have been that my Mom informed me she felt pushed out of her own home. It might have been some other things that were said. It might have been the last straw. I'd had enough. I can't live this way any more. I'm tired of the comments, lectures, comparisons etc from my Mom (who I love- but sharing a house is TOUGH! She's put up with a lot to be fair but ugh). On top of that we need a second bedroom. We love co-sleeping with our girls: we hope they will always know they are welcome in our room if they are ever scared or lonely. But no one is getting enough sleep and it's getting worse and worse. We've decided to move out.

BIG step. Big change. I'm thrilled. I'm scared...I'm going back to work! Not full time just a few evenings/a weekend day (hopefully?) to bring in the extra income we need to hack it out there.

I'm so ready, so excited to crack out all my old dishes and kitchen stuff. To have my own spaces, my own home.

Add to that decision my Mom did a big remodel (?) ...Well she repainted the living room and dining room- HUGE project, it looks beautiful. But having your house ripped apart for 3 weeks with a 2 year old who does not like change and finds it all extremely unsettling...EXHAUSTING. I have never seen so many tantrums, meltdowns and general whining.

:0(

Add to that she's reached a new level some how. She's testing new boundaries, she's scaring the pants off me.

This week, was the worst...I've reached my limit this afternoon. She rode her bike into the STREET... I was only a few feet behind her helping Amity and Riley just looked back at me giggled and RACED out into the street. I screamed (my throat is literally sore)... Picked up Amity (so she couldn't crawl into the street) raced after Riley and dragged her back to the house and locked her in and sat on the porch to calm down so I wouldn't hurt her. I wanted to shake her, to hug her so hard she would KNOW how scared I was, to spank the goodness out of her. I did shake her a little while I pressed my forehead against her and cried and told her how dangerous that was. She giggled in this annoying manic "I'm a little scared Mom get yourself together" kind of way... Which infuriated me because I wanted her to cry, I wanted her to be a puddle of "I'll never ever do it again Mommies" I wanted her to feel bad. :0(


But she didn't, I do think I impressed her, she talked a lot about the street for the next hour.


I don't like this testing limits thing. And what infuriates me is that I can't control her...I just need her to learn to make good choices, and work my behind off to keep her safe. And Amity is doing stuff too.

In all though, I feel like this time at my Moms has been invaluable...We've learned so many lessons I can't even describe, I'm thankful for it. But I'm ready to move on, so ready. I'm a tired Mommie right now. I wish I could fastforward a few months.

Dreams...And What Mothering Was Meant to Be...

Hey K got me started- blame her. ;0)

What do I dream about??

I dream of growing old with Ryan. I dream of taking long trips with him, staying in strange places and laughing together...Making fun of things that tickle us (to add, we don't tend to mock people...But some times they do such funny things: its kinda like the reason we enjoy the show Wipeout.).

I dream of raising children who know the heights and depths of the love of Christ...That they are secure in what (who?) Love is, and can openly give and receive. Standing in who they are in Him. And that I was part in reflecting and lighting the way to Him, for them.

I dream of lots of children, ones that are from many different Mamas- sent to me because they couldn't care for them.

I dream about Mother's...I dream of a community of Moms, of being the shepherd (so to speak), the Grandma that will always listen with out giving unsolicited advice. And I hope the only advice I will ever give will be, "listen to your Mama heart, your instincts are there for a reason." and... "You weren't meant to do this alone, here let me plug you in with these Moms...We're all on this marry-go-round together, we are all a little crazy: we want to help, it might not be perfect but please don't' be afraid to ask."

Which leads me to the other part of my post...What mothering was meant to be, or at least in my (totally unprofessional) opinion. I have always hated the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child" because it reminds me of a tag line the government was using a few years ago. The way they used it in a way, said: "We know better than you- a mere uneducated mother- it takes big brother to tell YOU what your child needs."

While I dislike how they used it, the phrase is true... I was pondering the cry-it-out mentality, the hands-off parenting so prevalent today...I was thinking back to its roots, it all started around the same time that birth started moving from home to hospital. After The Great Depression many many Americans stopped being independent individuals, self reliant and conquer the world types... And started to rely on the government, on others...Our culture more and more (and this is just conjecture not absolute fact) drifted from individualism to "Do what the big man [doctor, government, boss] says: doesn't matter right or wrong. That's the way you win!"

We raised our children with this mindset "Do what your told, right away, no questions asked. End of discussion." Our children (the compliant ones) went on into life with some one ruling over them, expected to listen and obey: the snow ball effect spread.

But I was pondering back to before, when people lived in small communities, when Mothers lived in close quarters: worked together, were like sisters: were sisters. Raising their families together.

That isn't the general rule in our society today. Most Mom's are isolated. If we work inside the home the only people we see every day are our children. The independent streak is still strong in some ways: we are expected to do our work alone. In many homes the wife/mother is expected to work or be on call 168 hours a week. Cook, clean, care for the children. Now I'm not saying that we never get a break: but we're still on call. In a lot of places women are carrying this burden alone.

I don't have time to write more on this, but I will say: we weren't meant to do this alone. And when I think of dreams, I think of being there for other Moms, I can't meet every ones needs, but I can be an ear to hear, and a little piece of validation. Because this job is tough.

On Becoming Elder-Wise!

I want to share this on facebook. But I know some parents who follow babywise and I don't want them to think this is directed at them...They would have to purposefully search this out, so I post here. This parady is intriguing...It makes you realize just how insane the line of thought really is!

On Becoming Elder-wise: Caring For Grandma God's Way

And why is this mindset so dangerous? New studies are coming out all the time: Coddle or let the kid cry?

Changes...Mommying...Reflections

Amity's first birthday was over a week ago. Wasn't it just a few days ago that she literally flew out of me superman style? That I held her slippery little body to me?

I can't believe how much life has changed in the past year. It's so funny how much changes when you are mothering two little souls. I wonder what I'll be like at 3? (no this is not an announcement ;0)

My heart is full, that's all I can say. I wish I had the emotional energy (or energy in general) to share every thing inside. I'd like to reflect on some things more, and I was in the mood a few minutes ago...But after being interrupted 4 times to redirect my one year old and get a snack for my two year old... I may have to come back.

I wish I had more words, I've started this post several times over the last week and I haven't had the right words. So with that I'm going to close.

I Kissed Sugar Goodbye

In an attempt to get some digestive issues under control and bring my digestive tract back into balance. I've had I started a new "diet". I'm not dieting, but I am changing my diet. Big time! For the next 40 days: No more sugar...or refined carbohydrates. I'm also trying to limit gluten in-take to see how I feel.

sob.

In all seriousness, I recently read the Maker's Diet, and I really liked the straight forward "eat healthy, here's how: avoid these foods." For some reason it clicked. So I'm taking on a version of the 40 day challenge. Since I'm breastfeeding (with no intentions of full weaning any time soon) I don't feel comfortable taking on the whole shebang. But I am taking some of the stuff to heart and making some changes. Goodbye, Sugar! Goodbye, refined carbohydrates and junk food.

I'm sure I may occasionally enjoy treats after the challenge is over. But I am honestly addicted to sugar and it needs to end.
I started on Tuesday morning and WHOA! I can't say how awful I feel. :0. I'm not craving junk food actually. I just feel gross, sick actually. I'm sticking to more protein and fruits and veggies with a bit of whole grains, but ewwww. They say you'll feel much worse before you feel better. The biggest thing I've noticed is sweat. It is muggy but I have sweat running down my face way more than I ever have! Drinking like crazy...And Amity's nursing habits haven't changed so my milk supply seems fine so far.

Just wanted to write about this here, need some accountability!

The Normal Newborn

I really liked this post... I didn't exactly like how she started the article off. And she generalizes a lot. But the basic idea I loved. Our babies know what they need, and so do our bodies.

The Normal Newborn and Why Breastmilk is Not Just Food