Thursday, August 19, 2010

One of those ...Weeks


We've had a busy month. A crazy month. As a family we've come to a bend in the road and I'm feeling a little sad and overwhelmed. In general this month has made me realize some things and I'm excited for the things it's shown me. We have lived with family for the past 3 years.

As these things often go it was only supposed to be 6mos to a year at most. When I got pregnant with Riley I was so sick I couldn't work any more. We also realized our old damp and cold apartment would never work for our family...We couldn't afford to stay there with out my working at least part time: so we moved out, and in with my widowed mother (and then 20 year old brother) who owns a fairly large house on a double lot.

At first it was crazy, trying to find a place for every thing, I was still sick and pregnant and in general miserable. Then our baby arrived and life the first 6mos was insane- A lot of illness on my part and just trying to deal with every thing and heal. I mainly kept to our bedroom and did very little cooking.

Then the bedroom started to be cramped so I branched out to the living room... We started to look for another place, our own place, to live. But as we looked we realized we'd need me to work and my Mom pointed out that she was planning on going to a foreign country in a year and a half to live for at least a year, and she wanted us to keep the house.

We decided to settle in and stay put. A few months later when she realized that she really wouldn't be able to go until she was tenured at her job and could take a sabbatical - I found myself pregnant again. I did work through much of that pregnancy and had hoped to work after the baby arrived: but my client died (home health care).

That was the most emotionally draining time in my life. Unexpected pregnancy, fear of the delivery (going for a VBAC), and drama at home my brother (age 21) invited his 18yo girlfriend to live with all of us. I was the one home all day with them (they worked night shift) it was TERRIBLE. Truly a night mare. I was trapped, felt trapped. That was most of that pregnancy.

And then my baby arrived and I was mothering 2 small children under two years of age, trying to do it all and still living with my brother (thankfully minus the girl friend). I felt betrayed, abandoned and exhausted. I have never been stellar at housework, when we had our own place I kept on top of it pretty well...But sharing a kitchen has just depressed me, overwhelmed me and made me feel like a hamster on an endless wheel of futility. I'd clean, and my brother would come through and leave a mess. On top of having a toddler (and now another one!) where the only way things stay "clean" is when I leave the house: well you get the picture. I have been frustrated for a VERY long time.

Two weeks ago I snapped. It might have been that my Mom informed me she felt pushed out of her own home. It might have been some other things that were said. It might have been the last straw. I'd had enough. I can't live this way any more. I'm tired of the comments, lectures, comparisons etc from my Mom (who I love- but sharing a house is TOUGH! She's put up with a lot to be fair but ugh). On top of that we need a second bedroom. We love co-sleeping with our girls: we hope they will always know they are welcome in our room if they are ever scared or lonely. But no one is getting enough sleep and it's getting worse and worse. We've decided to move out.

BIG step. Big change. I'm thrilled. I'm scared...I'm going back to work! Not full time just a few evenings/a weekend day (hopefully?) to bring in the extra income we need to hack it out there.

I'm so ready, so excited to crack out all my old dishes and kitchen stuff. To have my own spaces, my own home.

Add to that decision my Mom did a big remodel (?) ...Well she repainted the living room and dining room- HUGE project, it looks beautiful. But having your house ripped apart for 3 weeks with a 2 year old who does not like change and finds it all extremely unsettling...EXHAUSTING. I have never seen so many tantrums, meltdowns and general whining.


Add to that she's reached a new level some how. She's testing new boundaries, she's scaring the pants off me.

This week, was the worst...I've reached my limit this afternoon. She rode her bike into the STREET... I was only a few feet behind her helping Amity and Riley just looked back at me giggled and RACED out into the street. I screamed (my throat is literally sore)... Picked up Amity (so she couldn't crawl into the street) raced after Riley and dragged her back to the house and locked her in and sat on the porch to calm down so I wouldn't hurt her. I wanted to shake her, to hug her so hard she would KNOW how scared I was, to spank the goodness out of her. I did shake her a little while I pressed my forehead against her and cried and told her how dangerous that was. She giggled in this annoying manic "I'm a little scared Mom get yourself together" kind of way... Which infuriated me because I wanted her to cry, I wanted her to be a puddle of "I'll never ever do it again Mommies" I wanted her to feel bad. :0(

But she didn't, I do think I impressed her, she talked a lot about the street for the next hour.

I don't like this testing limits thing. And what infuriates me is that I can't control her...I just need her to learn to make good choices, and work my behind off to keep her safe. And Amity is doing stuff too.

In all though, I feel like this time at my Moms has been invaluable...We've learned so many lessons I can't even describe, I'm thankful for it. But I'm ready to move on, so ready. I'm a tired Mommie right now. I wish I could fastforward a few months.

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