I keep starting this pot and either some one cries and needs me, or I just can't figure out what I want to say.

I feel like I need to process stuff, but I'm not even sure where to start.

Amity is growing so fast!!!! She looks like a big grown baby suddenly, not like an itty bitty newborn. I know I'll look back in a few months and think "Oh she was so tiny!" but looking at how far she's come in the past 4.5 weeks I can't believe how much she's grown!!!

I kinda want to process what I'm learning since Amity arrived- in so many respects it's been a very healing few weeks. Amity is a much calmer, dare I say, happier personality than RJ was. I feel bad saying it but RJ's first year was so traumatic for me. Part of it because of things that were beyond my control: unplanned c/s, 10 weeks of extreme pain with other health issues, and a week being hospitalized with a new born to take care of and nurse. And then a week with a terrible case of flu that I picked up in the ER/hospital...And a baby who was very fussy, hard to learn to nurse with, and just in general most reactions to every thing was NEGATIVE and her intensity was exhausting. All that starting off my journey into motherhood...Needless to say when I found out I was pregnant again I was terrified.

It hasn't been as bad as I thought. And in many ways it's been better than I dreamed possible.

What are some things I'm learning?

1) To be a good Mommy I need to be selfish. It sounds bad, but I've quickly learned: I come first. Okay not completely first but there has to be more balance this time around. I ran myself ragged with RJ in some respects- I need to gear myself up for the long haul, not reaching burn out at 7months in and falling apart. The old saying, "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" couldn't be more true with two little ones under two. If no real house work gets done because I chose to use that energy to do a 30 minute (still gentle) work out, so be it!!! Those little work outs do a world of good for my mood, and usually it's 30 minutes of not being touched (though some times i have to hold or wear Ami during it).

If Ami has to scream on the changing table for 3 or 4 minutes so that I can wash off the sour milk (I always smell of miiiiilk!!!), sweat, spit up and things RJ smeared on me- SO BE IT! A quick shower also is a sanity saver.

If I need to set Amity down so I can change Ri's diaper or get her food (and having her in a front carry/slinging her isn't practical because she is either at risk for getting playfully kicked, or just in the way while I try to hurry)...Well she'll live. And same goes for Riley, if I just need a few minutes of not freaking being touched- she'll live if I walk away and go in a room where she can't be near me. I hope we survive and come out on the other side of the adjustments with even stronger bonds on both sides...But well, some days there is unfortunately a lot of crying in our house.

Which brings me to my biggest thought, I think I've gained a lot of persepctive in the last month. With Riley it was "Oh I could never leave her to cry", and I still hate to hear Amity cry, absolutely hate it! I hate even more to hear Riley cry, don't know why but her tears and whining makes me want to scream...Why is that? But I don't allow myself to feel guilty over it- I wear Amity when I can- frees up my hands for Riley and keeps amity happy. She sleeps in my arms or at my breast all night long, and is in my arms or wrapped agianst my body most of the day...But an hour or two napping in the swing, or a few minutes a day crying in the swing or boppy is worth it if it keeps me sane. I have a very very intense amazing and busy 20 month old to chase, comfort, feed and care for and I guess that's the rub for the second child- they'll never have it as good as the first in some respects!! But on the flip side I think Amity gets way better parents than Riley got- well maybe more experienced is the better word. And AJ really benefits becuase RJ really is good at giving us a run for our money.
I gotta run more later

2 Week Post Partum Visit

J came to me today, she had to be in town anyway so she swung in and checked in.

Amity has gained another 10 oz (in 5 days!!) she is now weighing in 9lbs3oz that is 9lbs 4 oz since she was born 16days ago!!! Impressive!

She checked me "down there" because I've been hurting/burning quite a bit. J said she can't see any tears (I was worried we had missed some thing- I was SO swollen after delivery) - NOPE! Still no tears, she said every thing looks great- it could be that things are just healing tighter than I'm used to and also the extra estrogen might be drying me out and irritating things. Going to be using fresh aloe to lubricate down there, I think that will really help. Also, a wonderful mama from GCM sweetly sent me some herbs for some sitz baths. I am planning on brewing up a batch for tonight and soaking for 30 minutes in the tub tonight.

So things are going well, I am feeling less sore the past couple of days, I also got some dermoplast spray- that stuff is AMAZING!!! I spray it on after a trip to the bathroom (with in reason) and it makes such a huge difference in comfort level. HIGHLY recommend it.

So here is my list of things that I plan on getting for postpartum healing next time around

• dermoplast- it's a anesthetic numbing spray= HEAVEN!
• herbs for sitz baths for after birth.
• "professional" cloth sanitary pads (I took 30 minutes and made 8 or 9 pads out of old soft t-shirts, a layer of micro-terry cloth, and an outer shell of fleece to protect my underwear from getting wet- I used a Kushies flannel diaper insert for the "pattern" there are real patterns online- maybe I'll use those next time. They work great and they are so nice and soft (and no chemicals) on my sensitive stretch out skin down there).

Time to find supper, I'm hungry. STARVING all the time Amity nurses non stop these days.

So after my complainy/ panicky post earlier I've gotten a really good nap and some perspective.

I could focus on the lack of support- the fact that I do feel abandoned in some ways, that I am not getting quite as much rest as I had hoped I would... Or I could look at the flip side.

Amity could have come a week late and then I would have had absolutely NO help past Ryan's few days off work. My Mom would have been back at school right away and really stressed out (as she always is to some extent trying to get the new 6th graders used to the transition from elementary to middle [in a very urban inner city school]) ...I would have been all alone, THIS sore with a newborn and not quite 20 month old, all day long with no help.

Some help is better than none, I DO wish some things had been different- I REALLY wish this week had been quieter- less visitors..BUt I think that is partly the price I have to pay for sharing a home with my Mom.

And there are some things I've learned for the next baby. Ryan is absolutely no and if or buts going to need to take 2 weeks off work for the next baby. We'll have to budget for it, accept the fact that it will be a year where we'll be taking no trips to see his family, but it HAS to happen... 2 weeks with him home would make things so much easier.

More later going to relax with the hubby for a while.

This is not

the babymoon I hoped for. I'm feeling angry and frustrated.

Monday morning, my first morning without Ryan, and my Mom leaves me too for 5 hour on my own. I really felt abandoned. Riley was fussy and sceaming a LOT and I was on my feet waaaay more than I should have been= massive pain come evening.

Tuesday was a bit better she was only gone 2 or 3 hours to have lunch with a friend.

Wednesday she was s a great help, I couldn't have taken the girls to the doctors appointment on my own that's for sure!!! BUT we ran errands afterwarnds, got home around 10:30 (we had left at 7:30) I put Ri down for a nap, then tried to take a little nap on my own - Ami wasn't letting me sleep... Then she had company over from noon to 3- people I definitely didn't feel comfortable nursing around so I was in and out up and down the stairs (which is really bad for healing causes the little tears to reopen= PAIN) and I finally got a little nap, she had Riley with me and than not- she did keep her in the afternoon mostly. And hten she had more friends over around 4- they were helpful they cleaned the kitche and I could nurse around them, but it was a LOT for one day- by evening I was in so much pain and just feeling worn out.

Today she left me again- I ahd to carry Riley-up the stairs no less becuase she was melting down and in desperate need of a nap- but refused to climb the stairs herself...Some thing that I could immediately feel hurting thigns down there- I mean I laid down in bed with RJ and I was burnig SO bad.
And tomorrow she's going to brunch with anoher friend ad then to a funeral will be gone all morning again. I just want to cry. I feel ungrateful though.

I am just so frustrated. Healing is taking way longer than I had hoped it would, I am so sore still- not nearly as sore as last week but I can feel every time I over do it I feel like I'm taking a step back. I really really REALLY wanted one more week after Ryan was at work to rest, to not have to worry about Riley at all and stay in bed- I really felt like that was what my body needed- but my Mom keeps leaving me. Like she is trying to push me out of the nest so to speak, toughen me up or prepare me, get a little taste of what I'm going to be dealing with - but I'm NOT READY! I needed more time to heal, I am seriously like a first time vaginal birth Mom BUT with 23lb toddler who is very needy and misses her Mommy and is struggling with all the changes in the house. I needed to tank up this week so I could be ready for next week when my Mom wasn't going to be around as much...Be ready for the MONTHS of hard work ahead of me as we adjust and deal with all the changes a new baby constantly brings

I feel so jipped of the rest I desperately need/needed. I feel angry that I've been left alone so much. I am still unbelievably sore down there and liftening or having Riley on my lap makes it a million times worse. And I feel guilty for being so weak. I feel like I should be able to handle this and am failing miserably. Like my body is once again going way slower than I wanted it to- story of my life.

I'm gonna go have a good cry and hopefully Ami will calm down adn take a nap too- she's incredibly fussy right now.

Healing and Babymoon

So Amity is 10 days old and I'm still waiting for the pain "down there" to go away completely. It gets a little better every day, but if I over do it even a little I am VERY uncomfortable by evening... I was very bruised and swollen- though the swelling is almost gone the bruised feeling continues. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had torn and would have needed stitches. As it is I'm sure I got a few "skid" marks. Weird illustration but I feel like an old basketball that was left in the sun for a long time and then blown up twice it size and then shrunk again...In other words I feel like I have a lot of cracking that happened down there. My skin is healing...slowly.

I have to say my peri cleansing bottle and solution (some essential oils to promote healing- came in my birth kit) are my best friend. I didn't rinse once or twice (because some child or another was screaming) in the last week and boy did not rinsing make things burn- and I think slowed healing a little.

Yes, all this is TMI...But I wasn't sure what to expect after a vaginal birth...I gotta say, waaaay waaaaay easier than healing from a c/s. I can't imagine trying to even be near Riley with a giant c/s incision across my belly- she is on my lap right now with a book that she asks me to read for a minute and then goes back to her Elmo video...She is not easy on the stomach muscles!

I've gotta say, though I still am pretty watery, and have a good bit of babyweight to lose- I feel SO much better about my body than I did with Riley. I think my left over bump is kind of cute (though I definitely don't wnat it there forever)- I really am not in a huge hurry to get going on excercise- I want to take things VERY slowly. I am enjoying my babymoon. Two weeks of doing nothing but taking care of Amity, which by the way a newborn is a breeze compared to a toddler! Ami is fussy at points during the day and that is tiring- but compared to trying to keep RJ happy - well I gotta say I'm loving the "second time around" every thing is so much less overhwelming! I mean it is still overwhelming some times, especially when both girls are screaming and I have to use the bathroom and in desperate need of a nap... But it helps that I have perepsective, I mean I heard with Riley that "this too shall pass" but now I really SEE that it goes so fast, and that it isn't like with Riley where I was so entrenched in new Mommyness and newborn every thing that I couldn't see past the next day let alone the next year.

I'll have to finish this post later, I have a few more thoughts about babymooning- how much I am loving rest but Ami is starting to stir and I need to change her diaper and feed her, and hopefully get a nap in...Ami had me up for hours last night. Ryan sent me to bed at 9 and I got to sleep untill 10:45...I was up untill 12:30 with a very fussy Ami finally wore her down in the sling... Got some broken sleep untill 4am and then was up with Ami untill 5:30 when she fiiiinally slept. She's "waking up" to the world and isn't liking some aspects of that.

Hmm Ami settled...Babymoon thoughts: I feel kinda weak for being this way, for wanting so much rest and not wanting to go out or do any thing...I know so many Mom's who feel so wonderful after delivery that they dive right back into life full swing after a few days rest. 1) I haven't felt all that wonderful, I mean compared to how I felt with Riley I feel amazing. But I am VERY sore and being on my feet makes the swelling worse which makes the burny feeling worse. IN some ways I am definitely a first time Mom- I've heard the 2nd vaginal birth you don't get as sore...Here's hoping! 2) I just want to soak up all the rest I can, I didn't rest enough after Riley was born partly because my body was sick and wouldn't let me, and partly because I didn't realize how important it was. It took my body 6months to recover from the c/s and I don't want to repeat that. I want to get my body fully healed over the next 6 weeks- I am not doing any thing extra for 6 weeks, I am resting, not running any extra errands that I don't need to and taking as many naps as I can get. I want Amity's babyhood to be with a Mommy who is ready to take on the challenge.

And Ami is stirring again... maybe I'll update this later....

Back but NAK- Something I learned on GCM- that never ever heard about or considered. The kind of pads you use post partum...Always brand pads burnt me so badly! A thread talked about it a few months ago but I forgot about it untill I popped one in and 2 hours later I was hurting so bad I could barely walk...THEN I remembered the thread. I know this is beyond crunchy to some but I was kinda hoping to use cloth pads after the first week, but I never got around to buying material to make some, and we need cloth diapering stuff so much more. Our stash still really needs some filling out We really need 3 more Wonder Wraps and at least 10 more dipes- I'm thinking I'll make some RRP's out of Ryan's old Tshirts- cheap and stretchy! Anyway, Ryan took me to Wegmans on Friday and I got some 100% cotton organic disposable pads- they are expensive. I am thinking that maybe this weekend Ryan can take me to the fabric store and I can pick up a yard of bamboo fleece and make my own mama clothes- cheaper than buying more pads over the next few weeks (I bled 6 weeks with RJ...though not heavily at all it still require a pad). Okay Amity is having a sleepy morning and Riley is really happy with Sesame Street I'm gonna catch some Zzzz's.

The Birth Story of Amity Joy

www.amitystory.blogspot.com

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am STILL pregnant. According to u/s date I am 39w4days pregnant LMP date: 41w6days pregnant and waiting.

I am STILL miserable.

TMI but the diarrhea is getting worse and worse and every time I go it sets off a big ugly round of contractions. I was up for hours last night, I slept from 11-1 and woke up with a whopper of a contraction- had to pee... Used the bathroom and went back to sleep (or at least dozed) untill 2:45 and gave up on tossing and turning and came downstairs... I drank a lot of water to see if that would help the contractions (it didn't), I sat up and read on my computer and then did 20 minutes of prenatal yoga...After yoga I drank some more and went up and did some Imagery Birthing- that is the ONLY way I can get to sleep right now- so thankful for it!!!! I did the labor affirmations and tried my hardest to relax- finally fell back to sleep around 5am and slept untill just before 7 when Riley woke up and started pressing her head against mine and going "hi".

Still contracting this morning, I am not timing them but the ones when I'm walking around are really uncomfortable- like I want to stop walking NOW kinda uncomfy...Sitting ones just ache but feel more like the baby is stretching his/her head into my cervix- doens't really hurt just feels like weird movement/pressure.

I hope the baby comes soon...I don't think I can do another day of this. But then again, I felt that way on Wednesday night and I have obviously made it another day...Going to try to stay busy today.

I am insane.

I give up.

I mean it.

Kid, you can stay in there forever- I don't care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I'm not just saying that to manipulate you to come out. I just plain don't care any more- I'm getting more sleep with you in there any way.

I am so so so so over it.

Over the ugly swelling- I actually have 3 stretch markes on my CALVES because my freaking legs are so swollen!!!!!!!!!! It's not fat my friends, it's FLUID- if I cross my legs, they are massively indented. I am so ugly and repulsive right now I can't stand myself.

If it wasn't completely inappropriate and melodramatic to say it I would say that I want to die. I am not kidding. I don't want to live another day like this, it is horrible.

To make it worse a woman I knew from WTE who was due the SAME day as me just had her little girl today. I hate her. I hate all people who have given birth before me, including me. I am so so so sososososososososososooooooooooooooo over being pregnant. I was over being pregnant when the test was positive. I am not doing any thing to night to encourage progress...no EPO, no sex, no walking, no NOTHING. Baby can freaking STAY in there untill the end of time for all I care.

Except no- really I am going to DIE if this kid doesn't exit ASAP. I am going insane- I'm not kidding I will need to be put in the looney bin shortly if this kid doesn't freaking LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am majorly pathetic because I am not even 40 weeks...I still have 5 days to that point... Lord, I"m being serious here- you say you won't give me more than I can endure. Well honestly God I think that is a load of POOP!

so there.

VBAC vs Csection

I think the closer we get to the baby's birthday the more I think about my last days with Riley inside of me... The more I think over labor with her, and delivery, and our early hours with her, and the early weeks with her... I have a few happy memories from that time, but for the most part I was in so much pain, so doped up and so sick with gall bladder issues that the whole first 3months of her life are really a painful blur. I think the further away from that, the more I can recognize how difficult it was. How hard of a time I had bonding with her...I think if I hadn't always wanted to be a Mommy, wasn't so determined to breastfeed (which really really got us off to the warm fuzzy relationship- though it took several weeks to get there) and wasn't so just plain determined I would have a very different relationship with Riley Joy...Or maybe that's just part of being a first time Mom to some extent... It's all so surreal and hard to believe that you have a precious baby in your arms?? I don't know...I guess I will know the difference some day soon.

Someone on GCM shared this video and it made me cry. I am so looking forward to this baby's birth, so looking forward to the immediate bonding and holding my baby. I'm looking forward to Riley Joy being in the house and able to meet her new brother or sister immdiately... I am so looking forward to a hot shower shortly after the birth, wearing MY clothes, and climbing into MY bed and snuggling with my babies and my husband.

I am praying my VBAC will be as beautiful as this one...

http://vimeo.com/5648654

Today...

I became THAT pregnant woman. If I swore, and didn't have a sponge of a toddler near me at all times, I would have been going at it like a sailor. The contractions are unreal, I hate my husband (no I don't. But I want to when I'm having a contraction and he's commenting on how he didn't trip me I tripped myself...I AM RIGHT- I am RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING untill this baby is BORN!!!!! Oh and if I didn't get some thing done today becuase I'm tired OH WELL!!!!!!!!!! I can't nest like a mad woman every day) I am unbelievably miserable at this moment. I had my 38 week appointment this morning, now 2cm and 20% effaced. Baby is at 0 station- possibly +1 and I wouldn't doubt it after this evenings walk, I am losing my mind with the pressure. I feel like I have to poop constantly, peeing is so uncomfortable I am seriously moaning every time I sit on the toilet to pee. I am going crazy.

Baby's heart rate was 140bpm and still LOA.

I feel like such a terrible wuss - 2 more weeks of this??? I know, I know in the grand scheme 2 weeks is NOTHING, even another 4 weeks is NOTHING. It'll go by in a blink and I'll have my baby in my arms. I'll miss this close special time I get with just baby. But rolling over in bed makes me want to cry, going from sitting to standing makes me whimper and dd has started saying "oooooow" when she sees me stand up or sit down- becuase that's what I am saying with every centemeter I'm moving. I feel like I am on my period- the worst period of my life... The baby's shoulder is jabbing into my back when I have a contraction and it HURTS. I don't feel like I can do this much longer, take that ANY LONGER.

And I am grumpy and annoyed over stupid pointless stuff. My Mom wants to have company on Sunday after church, I want ot scream- I don't want any one to see me like this, hugely swollen incredibly preggo and slightly insane. And yes just down right bitchy. AND I don't want ANY plans for the weekends right now- doesn't she understand- plans might inhibit me from going into labor!!!!!!!!!!!!! KEEP THE DAMN PEOPLE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!! She already had a house full of girls (my cousins ages 6,9,11) over LAST weekend- yeah I wasn't expecting to go into labor but STILL. AND they left a huge crazy incredible annoying mess that I am still trying to catch up on! And they wasted several cups of OUR milk. They just left it sit out and didn't drink it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just bought the gallon on Friday and it's almost GONE!

Oh and then "people" complain about aches and pains (*cough* my Mom *cough*) or being tired (*cough* Ryan *cough*) and I want to kill them...Yes KILL!!!!!

In case you can't tell I am not sensoring myself very well at the moment- I am freaking incredibly beyond any thing miserable.

After this child is out I am never ever ever ever ever having sex again. I'm not kidding.