I know that I feel and see a certain new and precious persons feet rubbing back and forth near my breasts.
I know I love this little person and I want the absolute best, safest, and most gentle start to this only beginning she'll ((let's just use the female pronouns as I'm used to it), ever get.
I know I want quiet, dark, peaceful, respectful, gentle, wise and loving hands and help when I do my work of bringing this precious person into the world. I know I want the absolute absence of fear or rush: on any ones part. I want a joyous birth...I want to be able to be present.
I know the last 4.5 years (counting Roo's gestation, obviously) on this journey of motherhood have stretched me, changed me, and changed me again. And I keep changing...I hope I'll always keep changing. Even if maybe it seems inconsistent, or like I'm not sure who I am (or more what I'm doing- which I totally don't!). I hope I never close up and stop growing...
I know that my Friend and Savior is trying to tell me some thing important...Wanting to open doors I haven't let Him before.
I know He has big plans for this birth. This little persons life, though she'll have her own life story, her beginning is deeply impacting mine...As her older sisters have and are.
I know what I don't want too...
And when I think of those things the fear creeps in...The "maybe I shoulds..." The questions. The things that make me feel so inconsistent...Make me wonder what I should do, for real.
And here I sit. Belly bouncing. Clock ticking... Due date pending...Time nearing.
And I don't really have answers.
The past couple of months have all been about waiting. Am I pushing things off because I'm afraid to think about this baby's arrival? To face the work? I don't think it's that. I'm not scared of pain. It's not the discomfort I am worried about at all. I'm ready for the hard work. My body (I've worked quite hard!) is strong and able. I look forward to that day honestly, I get almost jittery when I think of the exhilaration of the start and the finish. The thought of getting to experience LIFE again. What an incredible moment holding brand new Friendly to my bare chest. To feel her warm wet body rest on the outside of my belly. That precious first moment of our eyes locking and her little yell: she was okay. She had arrived. We had done it.
I look forward to that victory again.
Are the things I feel so reluctant to act on things I need to lay aside? Is it my instincts (or maybe even Him) saying, "that's not necessary... really....that's not necessary at all...Just trust" Or is it my fears? Because some of the things I am putting off won't be pleasant for me. I can't seem to get a full peace either way. So I've been waiting...And waiting...And baby could arrive any where from the next 8-12 weeks.
I need some clarity. And some gumption to know that I stuck to my guns and did the best thing- no matter what.
In the end, it is what it is, what it is.