Monday, November 14, 2011

Collecting Silence...

I wish it was possible. I wish I could grab every moment of it I could find and keep it, and then when I need it pull it out and wrap myself up in it.

I'm starting to get to the challenging part of pregnancy. The part where every thing is starting to feel real. The part where I find myself easily overwhelmed...Sensory things; sticky hands, screaming children, squeaky doors, back ground noise, clothing sitting funny, the baby sitting funny, touch, sight, smell, sound...You know, every thing. Is just TOO MUCH. It makes me want to cry. I feel really cranky and touched out. It's exhausting.

I can't help but enjoy (even with all their noise) these two little stinkers. 

Consequently I'm not sleeping too great at night, every night lately has been a bit rough...If it's not the girls having a hard time, it's my bladder (or a combination there in). It could be worse, and I think I've gotten "extracurriculars" pared down enough where we're all getting by. But it is frustrating, many nights lately I'm finding it hard to get back to sleep...Some times I lay there for just 15ish minutes...Other nights (like last night) it's hours. And I need those times. It's the ONLY time I have the energy- more importantly time and space- for that kind of thinking...For the processing...And prayer.

But I'm pretty worn out. I think I preferred all the crazy and intense dreams I was having for a long stretch. Ebb and flow...seasons and all that stuff, I suppose.

This season happens to be my favorite...
I haven't craved many special treats this pregnancy. I actually still have a hard time eating at all. I mean I get HUNGRY, but it's not like I remember other pregnancies being the, "Oh I'm pregnant, I'll take 2 of whatever that delicious amazing thing is NOW...Make it three."
Food, in all honesty, is a pain in the neck. It's some thing I put in me (and I put some really good, healthy stuff in there!) to keep me going...Not much more.

Where was I going with that?

Oh right.  Silence, I CRAVE it. If I could eat silence, wear it, wash in it...I would.

The constant talking, questions, noise, questions, noise, questions...and questions (throw in some whining for good measure) have me kind of numb.  I am finding the further a long I get the harder it is to keep my "battery" charged. I feel like maybe I am becoming a hermit. Or maybe a Mama bear, wanting to tuck myself in until winters end. I feel like Newby is drawing more from me: even emotionally I am more aware of her...Another part to bring into balance...A new person, who will very soon, be here in the flesh needing love and care.

31 weeks..
I guess I feel like this pregnancy has been so introverted that I'm alienating all my friends...Maybe even hubbers a bit.  I keep thinking...Oh I want to text that person...I want to call them and see how they are doing... I should at least FB them. But I'm too...Overly content and busy (inside) to chat much.

I wish I was an extrovert...Charged on talking with people...Charged on being around people. It would certainly make life easier. But perhaps that pity party is for another time.

But I'm not an extrovert...I'm me. And so I'm embracing what I need this season. Stolen bits of silence... Walks alone..naps...and getting us outside whenever possible (and behavior and patience levels will allow!)

Right now...I'm embracing where I'm at: a Mama bear preparing for winter...Soaking up what I need, when I can get it.
Some seasons...It's just really good to be alone...Embrace the silence. 

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