My prayer the past few weeks is that God would help me to be present during the day. That every moment, I would just be PRESENT. Plugged in, up and at em, and there for my kids.
It's not easy.
It's pretty much impossible.
Okay, I am no good at it. At least not by sheer will power.
Am I as awesome of a Mom as I wish I were? Ooooh No. I fail all the time. I snap, I whine, I some times lock myself in the bathroom to cry for a few minutes. Some times I yell. Some times I go over and give the door a good slam just to relieve some frustration (sorry neighbors). Sometimes I totally model the most immature reactions. Some times I think I've turned into a 3 year old...Or a 19mos old. Seriously. And quite often I really just screw up. But the great part about being present is that I'm not worried about all the stuff floating around. When I'm present, in the moment, I can focus on what is important. Not the fears of "Oh my word, she is going to grow up to be and out of control lunatic." or "Oh my word, what if she is still screeching like that when she's 10? What will people say? I'll lose all my credibility as a parent."
No, when I'm present I can focus on what I want them to really learn.
And sometimes what is needed, is an apology. Some "I'm really sorry, I was wrong." goes a long way in connecting with your child. Or "I need to try that again, because BOY that was wrong." (and this is one I'm really trying to implement more).
It's been a crazy few weeks. Isn't that always how it goes? But between the move, getting pregnant (and feeling sick), to losing the pregnancy (and getting sick on top of the physical and emotional toll of the miscarriage): I'm not kidding, it's been crazy.
3 year olds suck. Okay, not always. I really really love her new love of her Magnadoodle. She will sit for minutes up on end calling to me "Mommie, what should I draw now? I'll draw you a happy face, that will make you happy." "What about now? A fwowerw? No. I can't do dose. Dey're too sniwiggly. [she makes up words. Have to have a reason] I'll make you hmmmm... I'll draw you a pillow."
I like that stuff.
But some parts just suck all the energy and soul out of you. Add a 19mos old into the mix and oooooh some moments are just ugly. I didn't know children cried and whined, and fought so much. It's always so validating when my husband (wonderful husband and Father that he is) says things like "I don't know how you do it all day." No, I really mean it. I like hearing that.
I don't know how I do it all day. I don't do it all day. I fail probably 40% of the day. Fail so big. And I let them watch TV. But I figure if I can be fully present 60% of the day. If I can be present enough to hold my tongue, to remember their feelings, to remember the adults I want them to be...To breeeeeeeeeath before I speak or act.
But really, it all comes down to God's grace. Like I said, I beg every morning. Lord, help me be present. Help the time I have with my children today to be intentional. Show me what to do, and please give me wisdom. You say if any one lacks it, you'll give it generously with out finding fault. I'm asking, Lord....Big time.
It isn't all nails on a chalk board. I feel so blessed to be home with my children. To have two healthy, beautiful and vibrant little souls to share my days with. Really.
But honestly, these ages are hard... So I continue to pray that I remain present and intentional with my days.
Because some days my girls will be grown.
They really will, right?