Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Hope Deferred

We lost our baby this morning. I had been spotting off and on for a few days, and then it stopped. I woke up at 4 this morning to some pain, and I just knew. It was over.

Sad doesn't even describe how I feel. It's a whole jumble of feelings.

But what shocks me most of all is how my body is handling it. It's deeper than emotions...My whole body is crying and grieving for my baby.

Sweet baby.

Through the whole thing I kept hearing, "The baby is fine" and I believed it. Not that I didn't doubt the health of the pregnancy, because at every turn I kept looking for reassurances (as we all do). But just hearing that reassurance in my heart "The baby is fine" brought me so much peace. Because I knew it was true no matter what. My baby is fine. And I am so glad he (I keep thinking that his name was Jacob, maybe that sounds silly) will never know the pain and chaos that is life here on earth.

I am so thankful for God's hand of peace. Seriously there was never a moment in this thing where I was stressed out or anxious. I was emotional, I was sad at the thought of losing my baby. But I never felt wrung out by the whole thing.

This pregnancy was a gift. Not just for the honor of getting to hold the little life inside for a little bit. But I can now fully relate to this kind of loss. I've had other losses. I lost my Dad (he died at the ripe old age of 49). I even had a VERY early miscarriage before Roo. But that time was different. This baby was so very much wanted and waited for. And I am so very sad at the thought that we won't get to hold him in November.

So for now, our hope of holding a precious new life and gift for this year, has been deferred...I've been dreaming about a spring baby for a few years. Maybe we will try again in the summer. I must admit, though I feel a little bad for saying so, I am very glad I will not be going through and entire long winter with a 4 year old and 2 year old and newborn. God only gives you what you can handle, and I'm glad (to some extent) He agrees: that wouldn't be so wonderful for anyone.

Feeling thankful and holding the babies I've been blessed with a little tighter. They truly are a gift from God.


  1. I'm sorry Hannah. I can feel the pain in your voice, but also the peace. Feel free to call anytime :)

  2. I got goose-bumps reading this. Your strength is inspiring Hannah!! I want to say peace to you but sounds like you already have that. So blessings on you and the babes you do have!

  3. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I hope it is at least a small comfort for you that a perfect stranger is keeping you in her thoughts tonight. And sending (((hugs))) too.


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