Saturday, November 6, 2010

Finding Joy...Or Atleast Looking For It.

I've been in a very introverted mood the past few weeks. I don't know if the cold weather and rainy days have been part of it. Or the allergies/cold (?) that have had me sniffling with a sore throat off and on for all that time...Or the worries and stresses and questions that have been bouncing around (we've had a little OOPS [misread signals agh!] and I'm wondering and worrying if baby #3 is or is not going to be joining our family next summer...I'll let you know!).

All that said, I've just wanted to pull a giant quilt over my little world. Bunker and hunker down and feel a little miserable and be.

I haven't been enjoying life at home. Roo Girl is turning into a three year old, and it's obnoxious. Friendly is constantly finding messes and daring feats (she's a climber and a dare devil) to make me want to bang my head against a wall. On top of her working in TWELVE new teeth and waking me up pretty much every hour of the night from 1 or 2 a.m. on. Life is hard, I can accept that.

I'm still asking myself a lot of questions from my last few posts. Not because of a giant shift with more work hours for Ryan. But because I'm not loving life right now.

And I have SO much to be thankful for. Two healthy kids, an amazing husband who goes above and beyond to make this situation work. I just feel resentful so much of the time and kind of trapped. And I think I'm over compensating in other areas, or shutting down in other areas (hello, housework- haven't seen you much).
I am hoping some of it will get better once we have our own living space, our own home...But what if it doesn't? What do I need to do? I've been praying about it a lot. Asking God to show me. To help me see joy and revel in it. Because I DO enjoy some moments. I enjoy waking up to my little Roo Girls sweet little voice saying "Hellwo Mommie! How are you this mornin? Can I get in da bed and snuggle you?" I love that my children need me, I just wish it wasn't so intense. I wish it was on my terms. I wish having a strong connection with them wasn't so mind numbingly boring (full disclosure) and hard. I wish learning new things just HAPPENED, on both our ends. I wish it were easy.

I feel like this is where the rubber meets the road. I have so many ideals in parenting, can I walk them out? Can I raise these littles to have the tools I am realizing more and more I lack. Raise strong, empathetic, and caring adults? Can I relearn?

I feel like God has brought me to a new low of humiliation in the last 2 weeks. It's been UGLY. And I feel bad for struggling so much...Yes, sleep deprivation is ugly, but really Hannah? Really?
I guess I have a lot more to learn about grace too...

So I'm looking for Joy. I'm trying to plug in, and find ways to fill me up... Find time to just settle in with the Holy Spirit and let Him love on me.

It's hard when you're tired.

So Joy, where are you? I feel like I have a lot to learn about you.

With Thanksgiving coming I really want to focus on what I'm thankful for...

Today I'm thankful for my husband, he has seriously saved my life...God knew I needed him, and He has used Ryan in more ways than I could ever explain. I love you Ryan.

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