Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Thinking About...

Whenever I write those words I can't help think of the book "The Education of Hyman Kaplan" you can't just read that book, you've gotta hear the record HYSTERICAL...

Anyway, random.

Thinking about big toddlers growing too fast.
About that sound my baby makes when she's tired and knows Mama's milk is coming.

Thinking about damp curls and coconut shampoo snuggled near my neck. Snuggled in bed together, while I read books from my childhood.

Thinking about my wonderful husband scheduling his meetings late. So he can come home from work, help me feed the kids, and put them to bed. I wouldn't be the person I am without you hun!

Thinking about lullabies and silly toddlers whispering in a LOUD voice. A voice that I can hear across the room and over our white noise [machine]: "Mommie?? Mommie!! I want a kiss. Mommie??? Will you give me one??" Oh toddlers stalling sleep, precious.

Thinking about sitting by bedsides patting bums singing favorite sleepy songs.

I hope my children remember that stuff. I hope they remember the snuggles. That I was more patient than I wasn't. That I really really loved them no matter how exasperated I acted. Or how much I wished myself out of the current drama (two little girls= soo much drama, what's that about?)

I started a post earlier today about parenting out of fear. How easy it is to do when you are parenting in any style: even "Attachment Parenting". It's so hard not to be afraid. I want to finish that post. But tonight I'm in a bit too much of a mushy moony mood.

I had a lovely day. I said it a few weeks ago, but broken record here I go. I hope I'm getting to the point in life where I can just take things as they are. It is what it is. I used to dream up these big beautiful things, visions for my future etc. And then be tragically disappointed. I am a bit dramatic. It is what it is, and whatever God is doing it is beautiful...Whatever shape it takes. Even if I think it looks ugly, one day I'll realize it really isn't so much...And hopefully for those things I'm in that place (are you tracking? I'm really in a weird mood) I'll be further down the road and see that they were actually quite beautiful, breath taking... Ah, for those days.

Sheesh this is getting a little too much. I'm just (dare I say it??) HAPPY. Not in the "life's all good" kinda way. But in a Thank you Lord, for finally opening some freakin doors! No disrespect meant, but seriously! :0.

I feel like the last month or two God's just been ... I don't know bringing clarity? Bringing me around the looong bend I've been trudging through? Showing me... beauty for ashes. joy for mourning? I've just felt so sad and disappointed in so many respects. grief. And I'm getting to a point where it's okay. those things sucked (notice when I'm really thinking all punctuation goes out the window?). It's okay to be angry about them, sad, disappointed. It's okay things won't be what you want them to be 99% of the time. But I'm finding they're better that way. Not in a "I'm stuffing feelings" kind of way, but they really ARE better.

So tonight I'm thinking how thankful I am. Thankful for the people God has used to keep me afloat (my dear bestest hubbers mainly, but there were so many others who've prayed for me and loved me). I'm sure there will be days, hours week where I sink...But the numbness is wearing off...I can FEEL God holding on to me. Where before it was just painful tingling and the not-so-fun knowledge of that fact. Because I was afraid. But He's always holding on. And I've decided to grip on too and start moving forward.

So on that happy note, I'll close this long rambly kinda opaque (is that the word I mean? yup, google says it is.) post. Good night.

and it WILL be a good night because hubbies bringing Chocolate Cake (to die for stuff) from the B diner after his meeting. lucky me... Going to have to run 2 extra miles tomorrow but I'll do it!!

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