ramblings.

Riley and I have been reconnecting this week. Our relationship seems to be finding it's new ground, things were rough after Amity arrived.

I love being a Mother. My mind ahs been so full of all these things I've wanted to write about, to ponder. But my days are so full, it's so hard to find even 3 minutes to think straight with out some one wanting to be held or "tuddle"ed. With out some one pinching their fingers int eh trashcan, or falling of their tricycle...Or stepping on their little sisters hand and making her scream, or sone one just plain screaming for screamings sake.

I'm trying to remember the me before I was "Mommy". Trying to remember those last days and hours before Riley arrived. Misery is really all I remember. I wonder if I'll ever get through a pregnancy with out feeling like I'm going to die by the end of it? Hm.

Beck, if you're reading this, I think just knowing how anxious you and N must be feeling...The waiting, WHEN is it going to happen? It's gotten me thinking (and praying for you!) about those precious last days. You're almost too miserable to enjoy them...

I'm trying to remembe rthe early days with Riley. Remember the things I didn't write down, the things I didn't really realize or recognize untill Amity came. I remember my first night with Riley in the hospital. She wouldn't sleep, we were so tired. I thought having a baby would be fdifferent. You always hear aboutg sleep deprivation, I don't think it's so much even the lack of sleep always, I think it's the tremendous and sudden responsability. Or at least it was for me, it was like the incredible reality of this new human was in my arms. She was so floppy and tiny and pink- is it cliche to say a girl is pink? No she was orange...Not in color just holding her was like holding a little fireball of life, she was so fidgety and restless, I din't know how to help her calm down. I was numb, I couldn't believe I was holding my baby. I think having her via c/s really kinda exaserbated that as well. I knew she was mine. But...?

Amity...I remember being relieved when she was out, that is an understatement. I was ecstatic she was OUT. I'm trying to remember the sensation of giving birth, but all I hear in my memory are my loud loud screams and yells getting her out. I didn't know i could make those sounds! I had hoped I would be a little more mellower when giving birth- nope. Every thing just WAS, her crowning didn't hurt, if any thing it was the nicest part of the whol horrendous deal. Then she was out, I sat back and Amity was laying on the floor. I was way more exhausted than I thought was possible...And my throat was sore from yelling. And it felt like some one had stuck some dynamite down there and let it off. And there was this precious little baby laying in front of me trying to figure out how to breath. She looked huge to me...I remember thinking Riley looked small, Amity never seemed small to me. She felt huge coming out and she looked big even after.
I knew she was mine and in a way it healed some thing with Riley, I feel more connected to Riley after giving birth than I thought I would. Now when I snuggle Riley it's fixed some how.

Does that sound awful to write out? Honestly, I still have a peace about how things went down with Riley. Do I regret how some things were handled? Absolutely. I wish I had decided to have a homebirth with Riley...But given the hospital birth circumstances she had to be a c/s. Giving birth to Amity reconnected me, or connected me in a new way to my body and my children.

This week has been hard, but Riley and I have been having more fun than I think we ever had...She's getting old enough to tell me about things, she tells me these fragmented little stories that only I could translate because I watched them unfold. Today's story: "highchair, sittin, trash can, Mommy said. I hurt finger. hurt." Translation: "I was sitting in my highchair playing with the trash can lid, Mommy said not to. And then I pinched my finger and got hurt" she told that story to me 5 or 6 times over the afternoon, whimpering a little bit as if in need of some more healing sympathy. I don't know it was a really hard week in some ways. But I have been working SO hard at reconnecting with Riley, i was feeling so negative towards her for sevral weeks- I was ready to head for the hills ...But we played together, we did "stawfall" (starfall.com) and played on nickjr.com and we're reading The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe outloud right now- we're on the 4th chapter and Riley loves it! We usually read out loud in the bedroom. I lay down and nurse Amity and read outloud while RIley jumps on the bed. But she mostly snuggles in behind me nad just lays there very peacefully and listens- it's shocking! I love those hours, Amity snuggled at my breast looking up at me with her big solemn grey/blue eyes and Riley rubbing her cold feet along my back or pinching my waistline or snuggling a stuffed animal. I feel so blessed.

I've been remembering the hours and days after Amity was born...Just a dream. I remember waking up the next day and all the muscles in ever part of my body hurt- specifically my upper body which I wasn't epxecting- I guess it was from gripping the wall so hard when pushing? I realized I pushed in a position I never ever expected to- semi standing/squatting against a wall- not what I thought I'd do at all! I'm all over the place with this post. Just remembering... I just feel so, and I'm scared to write it, happy. I was thinking as I was trying to get Amity down for the night, I can't believe I have two children...Two little ones I take care of all day every day- by myself- whose idea was this am I really grown up enough for THAT? I just am loving every minute with the girls, Amity gets more aware every day and surprises me more and more every day. Today we were all at my computer playing nickjr.com and Amity was snuggled in the crook of my arms. She had been nursing but she was just sitting up now against my one arm. I looked down at one point: she had fallen asleep! I was so shocked!

I'm rambling, Ryan should be home soon hopefully, he's at a meeting...I should close... I just in general wish I could document all the things my kiddos do. I really need to write more about the day to day... Oh Amity is officially rolling over from belly to back- she started doing it sevreal weeks ago and then stoppped, she's doing it again :0)Her arm still gets stuck but she is on her belly and proud.
I love being a Mom.