The church ladies threw me a "Baby Blessing" this morning after our monthly Bible Study. It was really special.
We had cake and hung out and then they all circled around me and laid hands on me and the baby and prayed for us. For the family transition, for this precious new person, for the plans God has for him (or her), for the gifts God has given, for every thing. It was such an encouraging time, so special and beautiful and I feel so blessed.
After the time of prayer we all hung out and all the ladies wrote cards of blessing for our family or scriptures for me to meditate on during labor. I can't wait to read over them.
I've got to say even after all that, or maybe because of all that, I am feeling really overwhelmed and not a little emotional this evening.
It's not that I focus on RJ's intensity all the time, it's not part of our interactions, but the thought of the biggness of the job of being a mother, her mother... Well it wasn't an issue when I was pregnant with her. I went into parenthood with....With I'm not sure, confidence? Excitment? Feelng "ready"? I wasn't worried, plain and simple.
This baby I am going into it full of questions, some self doubts, feeling a bit overwhelmed with the magnitude of the job ahead of me. I think it's harder this time because I see how deeply every thing counts. I see how my sin and choices can greatly impact my kids- how my walk with the Lord can greatly impact my children. I see the little souls that God has entrusted into my hands and I am in awe.
Also going into this birth is all these conflicting feelings. I feel that God has promised to bring healing through this baby's birth. To give me what I felt I lost with RJ's birth. That this will be a new start for me...But the thought of all that is there- well it's just so BIG and ...Well I'm a little scared to meet God in that place. I honestly feel like this baby's birthday is going to be a big appointment between me and God, between me and Ryan, a very emotional and BIG day.
I am not scared of pain, of discomfort, or truely of anything going wrong. I don't feel that there is going to be a lot of pain, my labor with RJ wasn't bad untill the pitocen- then it got to be a bit hell. No, pain won't be the issue, I'm scared of the things I know God is going to set before me in that time, and the days following the birth as I process every thing. I feel like the birth of this baby is going to be a huuge shifts in seasons for me, some thing truely life changing. Not becuase I have a vaginal birth, not because baby was born at home. But because God wants to meet me in that place no one else can, in that time that is so special- He's calling me out. And I can't run. This baby is sitting in my belly, and as I type this rubbing his or her feet across the top of my abdomen. His/her little movements a constant reminder of the clock ticking to the point where I have to surrender it all to the Lord...
Maybe it sounds like I'm making too big a deal out of this. I can't explain it, but it's been 5 years since I got the call about my Dad, 5 years since that one moment shifted every thing about my world... And another shift is coming, and I'm kinda scared to see what and how this is going to play out.
I probably sound like a little loopy. But all that I'm explaining, I think that it's why I have been so emotional this pregnancy. God's about to move.
I hope I feel more clarity and purpose (and my brain just plain CLEARS) when I come out on the other side.