I've been processing a lot lately. Past births, upcoming changes...It's a lot. And on so many levels I feel like I've come to a place where I can embrace what I am given when it comes to Newby's birth.
I feel so much peace about my birth choices and birth team. I feel like I've worked really hard to grow into this place. To state what I need. And I feel blessed to have a Hubby and a team that wants it to be what it needs to be.
I've been labory all week. Starting on Saturday night and continuing to right now I've been in and out of some intense hours of labor...It's all working me towards bringing sweet Newby OUT. It's been a peaceful exciting week...Some times frustrating. But with each bout of labor, I realize some thing else about this birth and some thing else about the changes ahead...And I can let go or work through things a little bit more.
But I think I'll wait to share all that in the actual birth story (don't worry I've been writing it all down! :0).
Tonight I've been waking up with contractions and I'm feeling close. I am feeling at peace about that. Don't get me wrong, there is a definite part of me that hasn't hit the place of total surrender. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and nervous about the hard work I know that's ahead of me. I'm really excited for things to get "really real"! But I remember what it was like with Friendly- freight train intensity- loss of all control. It was amazing and the biggest hardest thing I have ever done. And I'm scared to climb that mountain again... Actually I *am* climbing the mountain...I'm almost to the top, it's coming down the other side- the part where the breaks don't work and you just have to let go: that's the part I struggle with. It'll be happen, I'll rock it, and come out the other side with a precious new person.
Like I said, each bout of labor I've had- I face some thing else. Tonight I have the number THREE staring me in the face.
Three kids. Three.
I'm nervous. I know I'm hormonal and pregnant and tired from all the work my body is doing to support this baby and prepare for the work ahead. I can rationally think: I won't be 9months pregnant when I am going through these big world rocking adjustments. I'll have milk (aaaah, prolactin is magic). I won't have the same hormones flooding my system...The ones that make me want to hibernate and put all my senses on overload in 5 seconds flat.
I feel sad for the changes ahead. I feel like I enter a different reality when I'm pregnant, become very internally focused- especially the bigger the baby grows. I feel a bit disconnected with my family. I know once Newby comes out it's going to be me coming out too (slowly at first), coming back in ways that I have been missing- for almost a year! I'm nervous about the changes.
Last night I was sitting in my room just thinking, I'm not going to have this alone tome once Newby comes out. Right now my body does every thing hands-free! I am never really alone- but I don't feel like much is demanded of me (well my bladder and blood sugar might have a few words on that...).
Newby is going to be another external force...Another some one needing me. And I feel pretty inadequate...really inadequate. I'm not the person I want to be when I'm in stressful situations. Will we make it through in one piece??
And Friendly, my current baby, she's already being rocked. Her little self knows she's being displaced- and boy, is she making it clear. I wonder- if I can barely meet her needs now- barely comfort her sore and worried little heart...How am I going to do it with my ARMS full of a baby- not just my belly??
I had a really o truly o panic attack about it the other morning. It was awful. Hyperventilating nearly passing out crazy panic attack. Friendly had been awake for hours (?) clawing, clinging, talking about the baby...sharing (in her little 2 yo way) her big feelings about Newby coming. "Daddy hold new baby, I yourw baby Mama...You hold ME." I felt like she was rejecting Newby, and Newby is part of me- and t hurt. I felt like I was just putting this awful burden and change on her- she didn't ask for it. I was so tired - I've had several bad nights where I was laboring and needing to get up to move through contractions... And I didn't want to be with Friendly, I wanted to sleep. I was also being rocked by a few contractions during this time and needing to get up and move my hips. DH was beyond tired and frustrated as well- and his losing it- some thing that doesn't happen often. And it just made it that much harder for me (he had every right to be frustrated...But he's usually so even keel it was making this hormonal preggo Mama panic too!). And I freaked- HOW am I going to do TIHS with a newborn...an infant?? HOW? What if we all went crazy? What if we lose it? What if our kids get hurt? What if they end up in therapy because we decided 3 was a good number to try out...What if we can't hack it?
I know it's normal. I had similar feelings (actually much more guilt ridden and ambivalent ones) when Roo and I made this transition. But it doesn't make it easier. I worry some one is going to get lost in the shuffle. I worry I'll get lost in the shuffle.
The rational and Truth filled voice in my heart says "PEACE, you'll be okay." and I know we will. I know that the first few months will be every one trying out different places, new boundaries, rearranging pieces of our lives...It'll be stretching, it'll hurt some times, it'll suck others...But I know Newby belongs in our home and in our lives...S/he's already such a part of our family- reacting to her sisters voices- waking up when I sing to them... calming when I rub her back (erm my belly). I can feel her happiness and the little jump she gives when her Daddy comes home and kisses and talks to her. I know we're ready...It's time. And spring will arrive, and so will we...As a more adjusted family of 5...Hitting our groove (as much as you can with a baby in the house) and moving forward.
We'll all be OKAY. I'll be OKAY. If there is any thing having two little has taught me it's: step back and look at yourself...It's okay.
There are a lot of other things my TWO littles has taught me, and I'm excited for what THREE brings...Three will be good.
So Newby, Mama's in no rush- I know there is an exact moment you're supposed to arrive...And I'm excited. But I'm also enjoying this process and last leg of the journey with you. You've taught me so much. I love you... Take your time, we're in this together.
My theme song of the week has been "Come Away" by Jesus Culture. I'll share more about that in the birth story...But I'll share the video of the song here.
"I have a plan for you...It's going to be great...It's gonna be wild...It's going to be full of Me...Come Away with Me...It's never too late."