This has been a super hard week. Not because of the usual stuff, the girls have actually been a joy (more or less) to hang out with...Grace.
This week has been hard because of a few things...
1) We had a freak October snow storm and lost electricity for 48 hours. It was cold, it was very exhausting as the girls didn't like the cold or the strange routine (ie, going over to Nana's house a lot, and also not being able to turn on lights [this disturbed Roo especially]). And a certain 2 year old- who hasn't been sleeping well the past couple of weeks in general- REALLY didn't like the very chilly temps in our apartment at night. We didn't sleep very well for those couple of nights. Add to that being 7months pregnant and well it wasn't fun.
2) This would have been Jacob's due date week. And as thrilled as I am to have Newby squirming around in there I can't say how much I miss that sweet little baby we lost last March....It has deeply impacted so many things I've been working through this pregnancy. I miss my baby.
3) A friend isn't speaking to me right now. I was rude...Or more, unclear and I should have just had the maturity to say "I don't want to talk about it right now." But instead, in my sleep deprived emotional state, shivering in my bed with the power out... We got in a convo via text that went awry. It was stupid. It was so very middle school. Not that any thing really rude was said, I mean there was no name calling...I just worded things wrong and we just shouldn't have gone there.
When I think on it, I can't really understand why the question was asked in the first place... Why would it matter how I feel about the situation? It's a call HER family needed to make. Am I sad about the change in dynamic? Yes. Her family is busier now. And I'm a little jealous of the thought of the new dynamic for them: the thought of being able to get outside help would be wonderful! We're stretched to the max right now - toddlered OUT so to speak- but it is what it is...It comes down to choice and consequence: we made different choices and are in a different place in life. That's okay. This too shall pass for us (eventually) It's just some times hard to swallow.
Does it change things? Yes... For me it does.
So to give a bit of background, she put her kids (near my kids ages) in an educational-daycare program 3 days a week. She's had a hard time (understandably) balancing her part-time work (personal business she owns) and meeting her kids needs. I've worked 20 hours a week, nights and weekends, while pregnant and parenting my (then) 1 year old...I did that for nearly 9mos, I get it...Had I had the option to make some changes and get some extra support (in whatever form I felt was right for Roo): I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE. I didn't, and it was hell...I don't wish that on any one. I'm glad she could make these changes. The full-time-at-home-parenting gig is a hard job: add another outside job in and it takes a lot of creativity...And if the option is available to get outside help- do it!
That all said (and where I know it came across all wrong) when kids start preschool, daycare, elementary school...Or heck, church nursery...There is an adjustment period. It's called, sickness. I don't have the benefit of 3 days a week to accomplish things kid-free...I don't get a break except when Ryan is home (and he's been a rock of a Hubby!)... It's not personal. They made a pretty big change in their lives, and that meant I had to evaluate if that would change things for us. At this point in time I am not going to hang out with people whose immune systems are in an adjustment period. I don't want all the colds and bugs with out the benefit involved (kids getting a great little school experience and I get a break!)
In all honesty, I haven't been hanging out with anyone much lately. I haven't felt the need to socialize as I'm tired and have a lot to do to prep for Newby. But we also have other things going on too... Honestly, I am at my limit. I'm stressed about finances (we're scraping by, but we're not exactly sure how: again grace). Hanging out with people costs money (food to share? Money. Gas to get there? Money). If you've ever been broke, living paycheck to paycheck, you understand. It's embarrassing. But I know it won't last forever and I just need to suck it up and do what I need to do right now. This time next year Newby (Lord willing) will be a big bouncing infant and I can start helping financially more...But for my mental health right now, Ryan and I have agreed we just need to keep doing what we're doing and limit extra expenses. That means staying home, washing hands, feeding the kids really well (on a budget, but it's possible) and giving them their vitamins. And avoiding the $70 in copays (combined) involved if they both get sick enough to need a trip to the doctor.
Which leads back to sickness...I can't take any more than any right now. I'm exhausted...My kids aren't the docile sleepy kind of sick kids. They turn into bears...And the whining, on a normal day it's bad, when they are sick it makes me want to scream (and some times I do). And they don't sleep well when they are sick, at least not for the first few days...They get achey and miserable and keep me and Ryan up most of the night... Add to that the stress and worry. And the fact that there are 2 of them...It's not just 3 or 4 days of sickness...It's usually 6-10 days as they go back to back. NOT OKAY right now.
Especially since we're already sleep deprived. We've been trying to help Friendly with her tummy troubles- she's had an xray and been checked out...there is no blockages but she's been in so much pain. So we cut out gluten, and now dairy, and I think we're finally seeing some improvement! But in this process she's been up 3-5 times a night for the last SEVERAL weeks (months?)..Crying about a belly ache...And passing gas like nobodies business. It's been so hard. And it's been a challenge to find soothing techniques with her as she has fully weaned... There is no tried true way to comfort her.
So we are awake a lot at night.
Add a bad cold into the mix (4 or 5 nights of listening to whining and sniffling and dealing with fevers), or a couple of nights up cleaning up vomit...or vomiting myself: that sounds like more than I can handle right now. So to avoid sickies, I've been almost neurotic about where we go and what the girls touch... I make them wash their hands with hot soapy water whenever we walk in the door. And I've been avoiding people who are around a lot of other people (whether it's because they have olders in school, or have their own kids in preschool). Will this be forever? No. It's probably mostly hormones that are making me feel so DONE. Is it personal, do I find these people with lives walking germs? No. But I know I needed to put some boundaries in place, for my health, and that's that.
So I've funneled life down. When my friend asked about the change they made I told her about my worry about sickness...And I guess the long and short of it is that I made it sound like her kids are walking petrie dishes now that they are in daycare. That was not my intent or my point. I have nothing against "school", daycare, or whatever. Though I'm *personally* not a fan of kids being all herded together into small spaces for hours a day- the germaphobe in me shivers at the thought! I know that the kids have fun, are well taken care of, and can definitely benefit if the alternative is being around a stressed-out parent who doesn't want any thing to do with them some days (and any stay-at-home parent who won't admit to having those days is lying!!).
So all that has been nice icing on this horrible-painful cake of a week....A week I've been dreading since March 8th when I lost J.
There are a few other things I feel like I need to write about...Mainly baby and birth processing stuff. But I don't have the time right now...Friendly just hit Roo on the head with a block and they are both screaming...I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to soothe...Need to close.
So all that to say: it's been a bad week. I hate drama. I miss my baby... And a few good cries over the next few days will probably help a lot.