Leaving My Options OPEN...

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster. I have not been able to find peace about any thing when it comes to providers.

I loved my home birth with Friendly. But I don't know, I have felt since shortly after her birth that I would need to do things differently if we were to be blessed with more babies.  I don't know why...But it's just been there. When I got pregnant with baby J (the baby we lost in March) I thought I might use the MW group in R that deliver at a free standing birth center. They were great, they handled my miscarriage care and monitoring. They were very supportive.


But when Newby made her(?) presence known a few weeks later, and I realized I would be carrying and delivering some time in January or February...the thought of driving an hour in the winter sounded scary. Not just the laboring the car for an hour. But the fact that you have to leave the birth center when the baby's a couple hours old sounded awful on so many levels. I just kept thinking, THAT new of a baby out in the freezing winter air? No.

It didn't seem right for Newby...
. But I scheduled a prenatal with the MW's and they sent me to a local lab for a 10 week u/s for dating (there were some questions due to the loss). BUT they couldn't see me until 18ish weeks into this pregnancy!! I wasn't happy about that. I felt even less peace about that option.

I called a few other OB's in the area and their receptionists were CRANKS. Gave me immediate pause and a niggle in my gut. I ended up hanging up when they left me on hold (one time for several minutes).

I called my MW with Friendly and we met and had a great first visit. And while I didn't feel a full peace, I felt more comfortable.

But I can't shake the need for back up. My instincts are screaming that I *MUST* have it this pregnancy. Not just back up, but that maybe I need to really think long and hard about home birth. That my options need to stay wide open to hospital birth. Maybe it was my friend losing her baby last January. Maybe it was the loss of sweet J...Maybe it's just what Newby needs (though I pray all is well in there, and she has given no indication of any thing being wrong)...Or maybe *I* need to be there. I don't know, but I need to have that option available, I need to plan for it. I need to loosen my grip on my ideal and love of home birth and seriously consider a hospital setting...Some thing I never thought I'd ever consider agaiin.


So, I met with an OB (as you probably read about my horrible experience there) who I was even less impressed with. And if I'm delivering in hospital, I'm not doing it an hour from home (where that OB has privileges). BUT the hospitals nearest my home are off limits as well: I have had too many traumatic experiences there (watching my Dad fight brain cancer, driving him to daily cancer treatments, late nights in the ER and ICU with him, traumatic cesarean, as well as a week long night mare hospital stay for myself when Roo was 10 weeks old). It's just not an option.

A friend just told me about Dr. K...I need to say this here, I would not plan to use him as "back up" for home birth. I'd plan on using him as primary. I don't feel honest secretly planning a home birth...A home birth would be the back up plan: if I were in labor and felt my instincts say we were to stay home: we'd be prepared. But if I were to hire an OB that would be primary.  I need my options to be open, and if that means no more [mention of] home birth, and protecting my care providers from the powers that bind (both MW and OB) than I'd make the adjustments necessary.
This OB (from what I understand) is apparently very pro-VBAC and just his website and looking through his philosophy just filled me with so much peace. The most peace I have felt in a long time. He delivers at a hospital 20ish minutes from home...And if this initial idea and the peace I feel is an indication: well I am going to have to feel this out. I would hope to keep my MW as a doula and have her monitor me at home when baby-time arrives, I'd want to stay home as long as possible and see how I feel when the time comes... But I'm really considering some thing I never thought I would.

I have a lot to pray about.

I want to feel safe this birth. I want to have all my bases covered. I want to make the best decision for Newby, she deserves to have all things considered just as carefully (maybe more so) than I did with Friendly.

I really needed to process all this. But I probably won't be discussing birthing plans any further. If People ask I'd say I was planning a hospital birth, because I am... If we ended up with some thing else: that's our business. But I really needed to write all this out. Wrap my brain around it. I have really struggled. I don't want to act out of fear. I want freedom. But I also ignored my instincts with Roo, I should ahve changed providers like the niggles and the questions kept indicating. But I stayed with my "super pro-natural birth-everybody raved about her" CNM and I ended up with a terrible experience. I am so thankful that terrible experience ended with a healthy baby... I would hate to ignore niggles and end up with another terrible experience and a hurt baby.

I have a lot of fears to work through, and I'm taking steps to work through them. But my biggest one is feeling trapped and "HAVING" to do things a certain way because I have no other options (pretty much the story of my labor with Friendly). I believe in home birth, I think it's great...But I really do believe this-kind of VBAC Mama would prefer a middle ground...Maybe even a hospital birth.  I would prefer to be welcomed and expected at the hospital. To have a relationship with an OB I like and respect... And should I end up laboring too long at home, and being okay with that, I'd like to have that covered as well.

But in the end, I want to do what's right for me...Even if it seems complicated, or even not exactly what I (or others) would necessarily expect of me.