I shared this on GCM..But need to share it here...And I copied it over and all the little emoticons were added...Cool...Hope that's okay. :)
So first off: Hubby is incredible! It's just been one of those times in life, where things just kinda avalanched together. And God has shown us both SO much because of it. Hubby has been working 6 days a week, and since I've been so sick building a baby, he has come home cooked his own, as well as our daughters dinners...On top of that he is mostly primary parent to them until they go to bed at night. He does this faithfully and with out grudge or complaint (mostly :) ). He also gets up with them most mornings, and gets every one breakfast...And many mornings even cooking me some thing separate if I couldn't/can't stomach what he was making the girls (oat meal). He is a rock star, through and through. And I wouldn't have survived the last few months if it weren't for his unfailing love and support.
So onto what I hared else where...
I have been pulling my hair out and going going CRAZY the past 2 months. It has been one of the hardest 2 months EVER.
pregnant. sick. exhausted. summer heat. no money. no car (except 2 some times 3 days a week). DH working 6 day a week and doing ministries on Sunday and visiting a dying friend in the nursing home another time every week. Oh and finishing up his semester of school in the month of May. A teething toddler in disequilibrium. A 3.5 year old being OH so 3.5. Insert head banging into wall. crazy making.
I realized after a 1 hour meltdown 2 nights ago over "a bad week". I still stuff my feelings. big time. Some of it, i think, is for survival. I couldn't think about how hard every thing was. I couldn't look at myself or I would lose it. But it is so counterproductive!! And when I finally did look at every thing I was crying so hard I nearly hyperventilated (really great for a preggo ).
This morning it was rainy (I love rainy Sundays)...I decided I had some thinking to do so I curled up with my journal and Jesus and started asking question. How can I get the girls to stop hurting each other? It's driving me crazy. How can I calm down? I feel so irritated out my mind 95% of the day lately- how can I react the way I *want* to. How can I be a better parent, I have been UGLY lately. I feel bad for my kids.
You know what He told me? (and this floored me!)
STOP FOCUSING ON THEM.
Pretty much He said, when I'm focusing on them I'm anxious and angry. I worry about the future. Will they be total screw ups? Will we be "that" family with the wild crazy kids who know no limits.
He said, STOP FOCUSING ON THEM. FOCUS ON YOU.
I'll copy what I wrote in my journal. TALK IT OUT. Say it OUT LOUD. " I hate this. it worries me. it hurts to see them hurt each other. I feel really angry about it. How can I help this situation?"
You're not a selfish parent to think about YOU first. You'll only be in control of how you respond when you focus on YOURSELF FIRST. You can't change them. You can only help yourself through what they're throwing at you.
Name it. Validate it. and Problem solve.
I read on here a while back about a mantra "love is patient love is kind" I loved that idea! But it wasn't working for me. ERGH!! And I realized, for *me* it was just another way to stuff my feelings. It was just slapping some thing on the outside to change the inside. Doesn't work. I was still worrying about how my kids perceived me. Not the TRUTH about what was really going on inside.
Be TRUE. Focus on YOURSELF.
I have read this on GCM. I've read parenting articles, and several parenting books that address this very thing. But it never made sense. there was no heart conviction, I guess.
I'll let you know how it goes. I am hopeful that it will help some ways I've been responding (less than graciously, ehem) with Hubby lately too.
Other things I'm really excited about... Big things! We left our church last week. We decided over a month ago and felt that Hubs needed to finish out some commitments there if they wanted him to. We left on good terms, and will miss the people there. But it was time. We're just going to have time together as a family for a while and see what God does. We have a heart for wounded people. For people who have been alieantated by "church". We (at this point) feel that we will be staying completely out of the mainstream church. We'd love to see a community built up that is just other people who love Jesus and want to follow Him with out the fluff and politics. We have been greatly inspired by the ideas behind the Fellowship of Friends and the Anabaptists. We want our life to be simply following Jesus...Even when it looks weird. We also love the idea of non-violence and equality in Christ. No one has titles, people who naturally lead taking leadership where they feel called to... Oh but that's for another post.
Other things that have happened... (sadly) Hub's friend passed away last week...So that stress is lifted, (though sadness replaced it). And most excitedly, God has made it clear Hubs iss DONE with school. He's not going back next semester. I can't say how much peace I have about that right now. But most excitingly, for the first time in our marriage, we're actually on the same page spiritually; God has been giving us such a unity of conviction of what our next step will be.
As the USA celebrates it's independence...Our little family unit is celebrating ours as well. It's independence weekend and though things aren't easy, we're FREE! On so many levels...Seriously the most free our family has ever been. We're not dependent on family...We're not hooked into a church. we're free to walk in our convictions and move forward in whatever Jesus is doing and calling us to. Jesus has been doing so much. God has FINALLY shown all the things He's been brewing and working on behind the scenes the past 6 years. Is life perfect? Ha far from it. But we feel secure in the steps He has had us walk in. And in the knowledge that He truly has been guiding and directing. It's een a weird road...It's hard to leave every thing familiar... To be the odd balls out... But we've embraced it, and we're just going to take what comes.