Saturday, July 23, 2011

It's Never Going To Be Perfect..

So I'll just spit this out.

I have a weird pregnancy symptom. Aversion to the computer. Yup, really shocking. But I really have a hard time being on here. My brain is too busy processing all the changes ahead.

All the changes happening now.

But you know what? I'm really proud of myself. I've been looking back at regrets, or things that feel like regrets. At choices and decisions I'm making now. And I feel like I'm finally "getting it". I'm finally doing what my conscience tells me to do with out worrying how it makes me look. Who will judge. Who will scratch their head and say "she's LOST it" or "that just doesn't make logical sense" (though I can't say, I'm known for that!).I'm just sticking to my guns.

I've been looking at values. At simplicity. At what I need. And right now? I need space, space from people, commitments, and (even) things that feel like commitments. I'm sure it may seem like I'm pushing people away. Some times I feel like that's how it is. But I need this time. I haven't even really been getting on facebook or message boards because it just feels too busy...too full of people.

My brain and heart are busy asking a lot of questions about my life. I'm realizing Roo is going to be 4 "soon" and Friendly is 2 in a couple weeks.  Life is zipping by. It seriously takes my breath away.

Questions running through my mind are, where do I go from here?

I've been struggling with being home with the kids. I did choose this, right? I have been battling and butting against aspects of this. This wasn't what I signed up for feelings.

But it is, I just didn't realize it.

Per my recent long post, I've been trying to look at myself first. It's really helped. Sort of, I realize I have a lot of anger (duh!). I'll step back from a stupid situation I'm in with one of the kids and realize I'm SEETHING. I'm enraged. I'm about to LOSE it. Why? Well pregnancy hormones + 2 selfish-self-centered-in-constant-need/want-babies = OBVIOUSLY!

But it's not just that.

I have a lot of false expectations. SO MANY unreasonable expectations. I need to shed. It's really really hard.

I am very goal oriented. I love nothing more than quickly completing a task.

That NEVER happens when you have two small children "helping" (or even just THERE).

And they don't go away. They rarely watch TV nicely while I quickly "get some thing done"...Friendly in particular could care less about the TV unless I'm snuggled up with her watching it too (and her favorite Elmo DVD's AHHH! hate him).

Bottom line, I suppress and stuff my feelings on a constant basis during the day. I suppress my frustration and try to patiently redirect and break up fights (I'm not even going to bother trying to sound all's not a dispute: its' a freakin fight!)...I can't even pee (and I pee many times a day right now!) with out some one getting into some thing. It's constant. It never stops. Ever.

And the constant work involved. Nothing ever stays "done". Last weekend I had a bit of energy so I was picking up the livingroom. In 15minutes of cleaning up, I picked up same stinken toy FIVE times before I threw it on the floor crying, stamped to my bedroom and cried stormily..."Over a toy."

Why couldn't I just leave it there?

Because I'm tired of my house looking like a hurricane hit. And this is despite how carefully I have organized the toys, in separate categorized and labeled boxes. It still is always strewn with baby blankets, random balls, clothing they shed, toys that aren't even toys (kitchen utensils) everywhere, all the time.

That toy I picked up 5 times? It wasn't even a favorite! They barely played with it for the 3 days before! It's not some prized possession.

I know, I know...Let it go. Accept... validate the frustration...problem solve.
I won't even go into what is currently all over the place right now (beans, black beans [dry]...ALLLLL over my house).

This is what I've been thinking about...And so much more.

More to come, I have a lot of beans to spill
 (har har).

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