It's been a really hard week. The kind of week full of bitter cold winds and temperatures outside. And sniffly snuffly, whiny, napless, sleepless, clingy (oh so painfully clingy!) babies. Fighting, tears, tantrums, general ugliness. Constant (I mean CONSTANT) interruptions on even the smallest project (making a snack, using the bathroom, sitting down for a moment). So much whining my ears hurt. Even fun things were turned ugly because one or the other wouldn't co-operate and fights had to be intervened. Nothing was fun. Even going out held no appeal, Roo was "defiant" and difficult. Not feeling well left for some naughty behavior for both of them. Do I even have even have a voice? did you not hear what I SAID? Seriously????? I do GOYB, I make my words have meaning, but REALLY? I can't count how many times Friendly pulled the Noodle arms on me, even worse when Roo would (you now when they just turn into a noodle in your arms and seem to slip and slide so you can't get a grip on them. Yes, I was the Mama with 2 screaming children at the mall on Thursday. And I won't even get started on nights, long sleepless, nights that were all about milk and keeping Mommie awake.
Top that off with a horrible case of PMS, and wanting to crawl out of my skin...You get it, I was living for the weekend. Fresh blood! Some one to even out this imbalance. Some one to give me a few minutes to call my own! And it was nice, I woke up from a horrible night to snuggle with my hubby while the kids crawled all over us: sure makes up for the 6:30a.m. wake up call! We watched cartoons, hubby mae us coffee... After breakfast I got to work out for 30 minutes AND shower = NO INTERRUPTIONS! My husband rocks!! I got to sit on the computer for 30+ minutes with only a few instances of nursing and toddler climbing all over me...But at least I got to be on here, catching up on the news... Connecting with the outside world. Because sick kids = no play dates and it makes for a lonely week.
I got to play in a nice cuddly way with the kids while hubby got his shower- no real fights! Saturday = heaven!And then DH couldn't find a DVD that he wanted to watch with the girls while he drank his tea. Now if you know me, you know that I notice details. He could ask me where his left tube sock got put (when Friendly carried it off) and I"ll know, he could ask where the most random thing is: and I'll know. But if I don't know, I don't know. And more importantly, if I don't care (if I'm in the middle of some thing important to me and I'm getting interrupted) I DON"T CARE, figure it out...deal for a bit until I'm done. Hubby pressed, asked me to drop what I was in the middle of and help him look. I suggested al the places I could think tha tit would be... Not good enough, get off the computer and help. Seriously?
I know it just looks like I'm sitting staring at the screen while you hang out with the kids. But it's not just that, I'm discussing some thing with some Mama friends (on a private message board we have), I'm CONNECTING WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS (albeit on the Internet, I'll take the scraps I can get at this point). I'm not an extrovert, but I can seem like it, and I need other people some times...really need to know I'm not insane that other people find this job difficult.
There were too many things going on, I was in the middle of reading an article on car seat safety, the TV was making noise, the baby was whining, and Roo was asking a question, and DH was asking and asking and hounding (he gets a little OCD some times). I flipped out in a huge and stupid way. Screamed at him (in front of the kids) so loud I hurt my throat. I was wrong.
But it doesn't change the fact that I've reached my personal limit. I am out of ways of dealing with things. I am tired of being a Mama right now. Tired of the constant messes and interruptions. Tire. Tired of never being guaranteed 2 hours of connected sleep (and this past week, even that was rare!), tired of snot all over my clothes, food smeared all over my pants, tired of tear stains and scratches, my scalp hurting because Friendly grabbed and wouldn't let go (we're really working on the not-pulling hair thing but man is it bad right now!!)... I'm tired of my children being their own person and the randomness and un-predictability is exhausting. I'm tired of jobs that never get completed, of things always being a mess, of poopy diapers and loads of laundry. I'm tired of being under appreciated and judged. I'm tired of thinking that I'll get a few minutes to call my own, only to have napless wonder awake and nurse for an hour. And yes, I don't have to nurse her, but she's in pain and its' sure easier to lay there and nurse her than deal with the flailing and the crying because I've said no. I'm tired. I'm tired of living with family. Of not being able to throw a good tantrum with out feeling hot shame because know my Mom can hear and I know what she's thinking (and might even throw in my face at some later date). I'm tired of not being able to get in a good strong argument with my husband because my brother is in the room and I don't want to air our dirty laundry in front of every one. Or just yell and yell into a pillow and stamp my feet with anger because its' too much of a display of emotion. I'm tired of living with family, of never having privacy, of never being ALONE, a single family unit. I'm not going to apologize for all the things I hate right now. Not going to do a flip of this. Because there ARE things I like...love, in fact. But I'm not going to go into them. I just want to air my misery. To say, yes I was wrong in screaming of modeling a rotten way to handle frustration...But I'm not sorry for feeling miserable in this moment. I am ready to live where I feel safe. Some where where we can lay the kids down for the night and go cuddle in another room, in our own bed, and TALK..I miss talking at night.
And that is my rant. Hubs, I'm sorry I lost it. I was wrong. I love you.