Thursday, March 11, 2010

I'm a Mess- bad day.

I wish I was better at recognizing my emotions. I hate learning this, it is so foreign to me and HARD. How the heck am I going to teach my kids??

It's been a very very hard day, girls were up at 4:30 am - up for the day. And it's been an emotionally draining day. Riley is never OFF- she's on 24/7 and the talking, non stop talking makes me want to pull out my hair. That on top of a not napping fussy teething learning to crawl frustrated and sick of the world baby- well its' been a hell of a day.

Then I got a comment On a link I shared. And I felt awful and lost it. I think that's really what set me over the edge- I was feeling so hurt by the comment, so bewildered and I had cold clamy feet rubbing up my arms fingers digging into my arms- I know they wanted attention- but I've givena dn given and they aren't giving ANY THIGN back today. I know tha'ts motherhood but I'm TIRED of it. I lost it... I plopped Amity on the little roll out bed thing to let her fuss, and slapped Riley on the leg (ERGH!!!!! I feel SO awful about that) screamed at every one to be quiet (thankfully I did NOT say "shut up" so that's one thing I don't have to add to the list). and ran up stairs and slammed the door. Called Becky crying and asked her to pray for me before I killed some body. Calmed down and we had a nice chat for the next 50 minutes (thanks Beck, I promise I'll return the favor any time you need it- but I hope you don't have one of these days ever- they aren't fun!!)

I'm just so tired. And pretty much, that's it. you can go look at the comment it's under this link
I dont' know if that will show. I know I can be really over the top passionate about things (or seem that way)- but I really do try to mellow it out (seriously, if you knew how much I sensor you'd be proud of me)... I wasn't posting these links on that mama's wall and if she ever just wanted to "hide" me (or unfriend me) that's fine...I've had several people "unfriend" me because of my opinions- not going to say it doesn't hurt but what can I do about it? I hope I was kind and gracious in my response- I tried to be. I'm so very very sick of life right now- I think I'm going to go out (Ryan said I needed to) and just sit in the car and cry for a long time. It's so hard living here with people all the time- I don't feel like I can have a good cry because I dont' feel like having babies join in with me (because it makes me laugh at the irony and then I can't have my good cry)...

Anyway, I wish I could have calmly said "that comment hurt my feelings- that's okay, being hurt is a normal response to some thing like that you're not being overly dramtic about it. I need to go upstairs and breath for a few minutes and get some space."if only I had done that FIRST ergh. learning experiences suck.
this is scrambled. enough for now.

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