Restless ...At Peace

Kind of a opposites thing going there for sure. But I'm feeling restless today.

And yet, at peace. After all my months of worrying, freaking out, and working through every thing.. The past 2 weeks I've been feeling very at peace about Newby's arrival.  I just don't want to think about it. I mean in a logistical sense...When I think about it I feel excited. I feel like this time I know more of what I'm doing..I'm excited to labor with Ryan...I'm excited that this birth will (hopefully) be much more private. More on my terms (I mean as much as birth can be)... I have grown up a lot since Friendly was born... I feel (and this is definitely probably silly): I feel like I'm facing this work as a woman...Not a scared child.

I still haven't hired an OB. Part of me feels I owe it to Newby to have that all lined up, and that I need to bite the bullet and DO it. I need to go there. I need to face my (definite) fear of planning a hospital birth and dealing with an OB. But I'm just feeling so excited and GOOD right now, I don't want to go there... I feel like an OB would make me worry more about my "VBAC status" than would be healthy. I just want to be. To enjoy being in the 3rd trimester, and to be feeling so amazing. I don't know if Newby is my last baby, but that doesn't really matter...This is my only chance to carry THIS baby and I want to savor it. I don't want an OB's attitude, tests, and pressure (not to go past 40 weeks or whatever)...I just want to be with this baby, enjoy our special time together.

I just feel so ....inhale....exhale..."whatever". This pregnancy truly has been a gift...Even with the hard first/second trimester sickies I feel so strong this pregnancy. So centered.

I'm going on 29weeks...So far I've gained 4 or 5lbs (depending on when I weight myself) and I can't say how wonderful watching the weight gain has been for me this time...I gained 70lbs with Friendly and I felt WRETCHED by the end. This time I promised myself I would do my best to stay under a certain number: because I know that when I go over that number I feel BAD...Not because of the number but because of the amount of uncessary weight that happens...That number is still a good 20lbs away... I think the biggest reason I'm not gaining is because I have gone 110% gluten-free...I finally addressed my HD/celiac issues and I think if I weren't pregnant I would be LOSING weight right now. But since I am growing Newby I'm trying hard to be mindful to eat my good fatty foods with protein and lots of fresh fruits and veggies... Not putting on unnecessary pounds and staying  active (I can still run a bit) has helped my mood and overall feeling of well being so much. Newby is definitely growing well in there: the movements are getting stronger every day and it's so amazing to see little feet run back and forth on the top of my tummy.

In other news I wanted to write quickly about my new love, knitting. I wish I had learned to knit years ago!!!! I can't say how it centers me. It meets a need I didn't know was going unmet. I'm a newby (har har) knitter...I tried for years and years...There was a mental block, I just couldn't seem to do it.

But last year I decided that I could to it. I just had to learn.


Here's my first project:

Last year I taught myself how to knit (thank you, youtube!). And it's another thing that I feel very proud of. I really really wanted to get some wool soakers for Newby. My PUL covers are still serviceable (well 3 of them), but I needed more: especially night time dipes. And I love the idea of wool...I love how breathable it is. BUT I don't have $40 to spend on getting even one soaker. But I figured out, I can make them for $4 a piece (thanks to Michael's having woll on sale!) and the project has been fun and stretching for me. I've learned so much...How to knit on double pointed needles. How to pearl back wards. How to graft a seam. How to pick up stitches. Completing these projects has just been so satisfying. I love that I can knit while I hang out with my kids.
I know that I am always accomplishing things, even when it feels like every thing I do is being undone, but knitting PROVES it... I can get to the end of the day and look at the rows I knitted and know "they can't undo it!!". Silly? Maybe. But when you're nesting frantically (cleaning neurotically) and having your hard work undone almost immediately this knitting thing just feeds my soul.

I learned to knit on double pointed needles... SO proud of myself.

Except for the blocking: complete!

finished (except for blocking) soaker #2...

These soakers should fit my 3-6+mos old baby...The next soaker project I'm working on is slightly larger and should fit baby up past the first birthday it's green waist band and leg holes with a brown body. I have some newborn soakers made out of recycled sweaters but I might knit ONE itty bitty one just for fun. My babies (historically) gain FAST (Roo went from 6lbs3oz when we brought her home @ 3 days old...To 12lbs 9oz at her 6 week weight in...And Friendly was 7lbs 13oz at 3days and 13lbs2oz at her 6 week check. Itty bitty stuff doesn't get a lot of wear).

Well children and dishes and dinner call...

Autumn Lovin' Punkin Hunting...A Walk Down Memory Lane

I have a bit of a problem with Autumn... I love it. 

I think it would seriously break my heart if we lived some where that didn't have at least some kind of Autumn. A little chill to the air, a place to hunt pumpkins, some good crunchy leaves to chase. I'd survive...I'd find ways to "create" my own Autumn...But I know, I would miss it immensely. 

And since we have it, we revel in it! We celebrate it!! We love it.

I thought I'd take us on a little walk down memory lane of all our (documented) Autumn celebrations over the last five years...

2006:

Our First "Married October" we went to the pumpkin patch and had a blast!

2007 ROO on the way!

Roo's First October! 2008

2009

Friendly's First October!

Great Pumpkin Hunt 2009!

Friendly slept through it.

Add caption

2010!

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AND

2011!!!

Newby's First October!

Here is to Autumn! A reason to celebrate with Orange and silly faces...And to family traditions in the making.

VBAC Journey...Continues

I haven't been wanting to think too much on every thing. I haven't made a decision about an OB... The one I met with was great. But ...waiting for peace to take the plunge. I'm 24 weeks, time is flying. And yet, I wait.

I've been thinking a lot about what this pregnancy has brought me. I don't think all the questions I'm asking myself are because a friend lost her baby. The Mama that it happened to isn't even a close friend. I am closer to mutual friend who walked through the whole thing with her. A lot of this year has been us asking ourselves and each other, what and whys.  Processing what it means to have a scar on your uterus (as we both do) in this area of the country. What it means just for birthing our babies in general. Having had a cesarean increases your risks, having had multiple (as our mutual friend had) can cause even more problems, even (in some cases) in future surgical births...Having had a VBAC (as we both have) reduces our risks. And yet...

In the end, I don't think this is really about a fear of some thing happening to Newby. A lot of it is the attitude towards any VBAC Mama (in the area. We are a pain in the OB's necks, a liability on many levels. While research backs us up. While research says: yes VBAC is (generally) safer than repeat surgery (and each successful VBAC = decreased risk). While research SAYS: VBAC is really almost as safe as any other vaginal birth.

We are still marked.

Some times we are shamed for considering a VBAC.  Many feel coerced into surgery and choose a repeat with much regret.  Because the OB's feel they can control surgery more (they can't). The mainstream medical community has pushed VBAC mamas into regulations and restrictions in how and when we birth. They don't understand what surgery (especially if we had a traumatic first surgical birth) means to us. Add to all those frustrating factors,  we are complicated Mama to care for. We have hang ups, questions, our labors tend to be weird and charged with emotions, especially with the first VBAC.

I don't really think HBMW's in the area really get it either. While I think many understand more of why VBAC is a safe and an IMPORTANT option...And many support and fight to support mothers. I don't think they get (unless they have a scar themselves) how "marked" Mom's with scars feel. Especially if we have been interviewing OB's and shamed for even wanting to attempt a VBAC. Or told horror stories before we make a decision. Or told we can VBAC and then have "reasons" why we can't at term...Leaving us scrambling to find the birth we know is right for us.

It's not just this nice process of choosing a care provider. It's about feeling fully supported. Feeling safe. And feeling like we  are doing what's best.

I think what I've struggled with the most is the "IF some thing happens...Can I live with the choices I'm making?" As a VBAC (even as a 2VBAC!) I feel an extra burden to be sure that if some thing goes wrong I made choices that protected my family. It's an ugly climate where I live...I can make rational responsible birth choices...But I also have to protect my family...I have to be sure I'm not putting the liability on their heads.

And at the same time, if I feel some thing is RIGHT for me, I have to do it and I have to live with it. I can't worry about whether people would "blame me" if I made certain birth choices and things went wrong. I have to cover my bases and embrace the fact that life is life.  LIFE HAS RISKS.

But this birth, I am feeling the need to be careful...To walk cautiously...To make different choices. I feel like we're just one or two really bad births away from some thing nasty happening in my area. Whether it's fair or not, rational on the part of the medical community... Doesn't matter, Newby can't be that baby. That I am convinced of, so I keep processing.

What will end up happening as far as my birth choices go? I don't know.

7th Heaven

I was laying awake last night after Friendly came into our room....And thinking.

Why can't life be like the TV show 7th Heaven?? You know like, Reverend Camden introduces me to this elderly woman,  "Maggie", who is a "shut in". But in reality, is just horribly shy and lonely since her husband died 15 years ago. And she is embarrassed of her messy home. I with my two adorable children, and my awesome organizational skills, help her clean and repaint  her home. We take her from hoarders to homey and clean.

We become best friends and her house is our second home. She always wants to watch my children, and my kids love her. Whenever we come over she makes me go lay down for a bit and she always has great books to read.  A few days a week she pops over for tea at our house and cleans my kitchen. While she's there she does crafts with and reads to my children. I get to do whatever I want, knit, sew....All in peace and quiet. Oh and when we're at her house, she always bakes cookies (she learned to bake gluten-free just for us)! And her back yard is fenced in and the kids just run out there and laugh and play for hours. In the end,  because of our friendship, she becomes a pillar in the community and healing is found by all.

Doesn't that sound nice?

I want my freaking Maggie.

The reality is, the only real help I have is my wonderful husband. The truth is, I feel isolated and overwhelmed a lot of days. The truth is, we can't afford help, at all. The truth is, my family is all too busy for my kids...And the ones that aren't, I don't trust to leave my babies with. I have a hard time trusting any one with my kids. Everyone is pro-spanking and really haven't' been around toddlers much to know what the reality of that is.

Another sad reality is, 7 out of the 10 children in both Hubs and my family were sexually abused when they were young. I'm not saying they would hurt my babies. But I will not be careless with my most precious gifts...I will not allow their sweet little souls to be wounded the way we have watched it all play out with our siblings.

But Maggie would be okay, my instincts say so. Why can't my instincts be on my side in reality?.

Anyway, when I do ask for help from family it usually comes with some shaming attached, just for good measure. Especially if I do some thing they don't like a few days later. The "I did ________ (bla bla bla) for you...I did __________ (bla bla bla) for them, why would you not __________(go to your grandmothers birthday party....for example)."

 It's not worth it.

This is kind of a depressing post. I've been really overwhelmed with my kids lately. It's been nearly 2 months since DH and I *BOTH* had some time off  (and not just the brief time after the kids are in bed) and we're feeling worn out.

So I will dream of Maggie, and pray for some revelation of what I need to change in my perceptions and attitudes....And maybe I need to start attending some college-age/young adult bible studies and befriending some younger, single, people who can at least come over and be a buffer some times. :0.

Maybe...kinda kidding?

Oh if only this were 7th Heaven...And yes, I watched  that show in high school...

Just because it's good to remember...Things will...eventually...be brighter up ahead. :0)

Dry Spell...FLOOD...Birth...Unschooling Ponderings

How is that for a loaded title?


This summer was weird. It was dry dry dry and HOT until about late July. Every thing was suffering, not growing well. And then it rained, and rained and rained and rained. And a few hurricanes in, and several rainy weeks. And now the area has had to deal with some serious flooding and damage


And some times, in that funny way that randomly happens, my little life is on parallel. 


Yeah, okay little dramatic. But I feel like January through hmm... July were dry. Hard...grueling months. Not all bad, some sweetness...some bitterness...Just too much on my plate, too much happening. I felt so dry...uninspired and drained. 


And now FLOOD.  


I feel like I'm on "process this" overload. I am so excited! And feeling so befuddled. And AGH! I have so much I want to say, to know, to DO, so BE...I really want to get back to reading and thinking. 


But slow and steady... taking it as it comes: when I want to rush, dive, and KNOW NOW.  Instead, I'm taking the kids to the park as much as possible....Reading more... and waiting.

Trip to the park yesterday... Apple slices on the bench.

And when I get an inkling...feeling it out. Which leads me to a little update since a few have asked...


 Newby's Birth: ???????????  I have no idea where, or how, or who, or any thing with this baby. It is honestly, a little bewildering. A lot bewildering.  I am 23 weeks and ?????? Time is not going to be my friend for long.


 I am a person who likes to have a plan. A person who knows (generally) what she wants and usually sticks with it (in the past to my determent). I am stubborn and if I know what I want and can't have it I can be kind of a bitch. At the same time, some times I'm too flexible... Also to my detriment. My life the last few years has been finding balance. But finding balance and listening to my conscience, and when you don't have all the factors in place: it gets messy. 


 I have felt out so many scenarios, interviewed or reached out and talked to so many OB offices (and a few OB's), tossed around so many home birth ideas... Felt so many emotions...Sorted through so many big feelings (and I'm sure I have more to process). And here I sit with a great BIG "?" and all I can get is *crickets*...Okay not just that His voice through has held an undercurrent of, "Shhh...Peace. Take your time. It will fall into place.Do NOT rush."


I still want my answers. But I think that's the thing with this sweet little Newby... I need to learn to take the journey as it comes. Slow and Steady. I really truly believe, it will fall into place. I'll know, and it will work out. 


I refuse to make decisions out of fear... Or shame... Or haphazardly!


In other news...I've been reading, a lot. 


Books that travel with me right now... 

Well, they also make a good table for snacks...

Learning All the Time
How small children begin
to read write, count
and investigate the world, with out being taught
By John Holt

Also

LOVING these books. I am working through them and I really recommend them, even just to think outside your box...They resonate so much with my heart, validate so many things that I have felt for Roo. 


Our little "school times" have evolved over the last 2 months... It's been so fun to read with them, to really make a more focused effort to not just "expose them to literature" but to make my love of books some thing we share... Not just my "me time" activity. It's been so interesting (and maybe this is just where she is at developmentally)  to see Friendly's appreciation and interest in books grow. She goes off into her room, or snuggle next to me in bed, with a pile of books and "reads" to me. Also as I've been reading my "big books" I've been holding her and reading out loud, letting her take my books and read from the pictureless books as well. Roo too, has been really enjoying sitting down and going through a pile of books.

The TV has been on less...Though I'm not really opposed to it's presence.. It's been so fun though the last 2 months to watch how their play has grown. It gets more and more creative! Some of this, is honestly Friendly being more on level with Roo developmentally. They spend hours having "adbentures" and using the most random things to enhance their play (their favorite objects being, clothesline, jump ropes, stuffed animals, card board boxes, pillows, blankets and random kitchen utensils). 


I want to write more about these books as I process. I would like to talk about unschooling and what I think it will mean in *my* family...And that's what I love about it. NO 2 unschooling families are going to look even remotely similar....I will definitely be processing this here a lot. 


Just for now I will leave you with a few quotes...


This is my objection to books about "teach Your Baby This" and "Teach Your Baby That". They are very likely to destroy children's belief that they can find things out for themselves, and to make them think instead that they can only find things out from others."
-John Holt


There are SO many things that I learned about myself in his sections on reading and counting. I feel, almost like some things clicked for me. I saw myself as some of the children he described and realized a little more about how my brain works. I've been enjoying it.


"unschooling not a life to be hurried, nor is it neat and tidy."
-the unschooling handbook


"it's about the journy. Not a paragraph definition."
-the unschooling handbook


So much more to share...eventually. Intrigued, challenged, and ready to feel this stuff out!

A duck playing on a rock... deep.

Autumn Shifting...Wordless Wednesday

(Pictures from Monday)

Ruts...And Creativity Overload

We've been in a bit of a rut for a LONG time. Some of it is Pregnant Mama... I was feeling so puny and tired for so many months I was just trying to keep every one...ya know, alive.

But that has past, and a weird sort of nesting energy has taken over. I want to CREATE! And Roo apparently does too, because all she wants to do is side walk chalk:

They were cracking up because Daddy made them a hopscotch and couldn't understand what was wrong with  it (incase you can't see it's the miniscule little thing between them! :0)

Friendly drawing on her tights, love it! Can you see our chalk city? It goes WAAAY down the path. If they look tired, it's because they were! This was the end of 3 hours at the park!! 

 I have been looking for some new projects, things that we can do when we're stuck indoors. I am hoping to blog about the process as we tackle them

And now I have a new "To Do" List (but the fun kind!)...And I wanted to share some things that have been inspiring me...

On my list:

Make a Light Box ... This on my list thanks to Play At Home Mom look at their awesome Light box Activity Ideas!

A "Sensory Swing"! Roo especially loves to swing, needs to swing. I have been talking about an indoor swing for year...And this winter I am determined to rig SOME thing up. With Newby on the way I need as easy-for-Mama indoor activities I can get. I need some thing that will be calming and also give them a bit of a work out.

We currently live in an apartment and so drilling holes is pretty much a no-no but I found THIS on amazon the other day and it got me thinking...When I was researching "make your own sensory swings" these bars came up: wow expensive! What's to say the amazon pull up bar wouldn't work? Going to have to think on it. Honestly, as long as my kids are the only ones on it, and the swing is low to the ground...

I did see this STRAP SWING  which might be nice. 

INDOOR SIDEWALK...I have never seen this officially... But I'd like to take a couple large cardboard boxes, cut them apart so they are easily stacked( and can slide behind furniture) get some chalkboard spray paint and some velcro...And lay them out on the floor and connect them with velcro and let the girls have at it with side walk chalk. I think this will be a Christmas present. :0)

That's it for now. The girls just woke up from nap... I think we're going to try to make some salt dough projects....Maybe it'll dry up enough to do more side walk chalk. I'll be back when I get to start some projects!