From my last post.
So I was thinking on it some more and this is some of the thing that came to mind...
I want my children to have a different childhood than I did. Growing up I felt constantly frustrated by my lack of control in my own life. Grownups told you what to think, what to say, what to do, and when to do it. And if you didn't do it all as they said, they told you that you were wrong. If you voiced frustration they shamed you. If you had an outburst or a tantrum (sometimes) they hit you.They made my voice, my desires feel bad.
Consequently I struggle with setting limits and boundaries with the people around me. I've gotten a lot more assertive over the last few years. But fresh out of high school (or even in high school for that matter)? I was a mess. People walked ALL over me, and I let them. I felt shame for wanting to speak up and say "no"....I had been taught that saying "no" was WRONG. Even, un-Christ like.
I desperately want my children to know how to say "no". To have a good loud and healthy "NO". I want them to have choices, to feel power over their lives. I still struggle with the old tapes that say, "They can't talk to me like THAT! If I had done that as a child I would have gotten a serious spanking!"
And you know what? I don't tolerate rude or long drawn out "no's" (obviously from my older dd- who is starting to get a little sassy some times). I have her "try again" "You can say 'No', but you need to use a firm strong voice instead of a whiny one."
But my children are welcome to say no, they can protest. They can show their displeasure. They can tantrum. And some times (95% if the time) they still have to do it anyway. No matter how big their feelings on the matter, they still have to get in the bathtub and wash the sand off their body. Since we co-sleep sandy body = sandy sheets. No thank you! And there have been a few times I have had to wrestle them into their car seat, because we have to be some where (like to pick their Daddy up from work).
Some times their big feelings are because I've screwed up and haven't set them up for success. I take it as a lesson, I need to plan better and advocate better.
But bottom line, I want my children to learn how to take "NO" in life too. Letting them always have the say, always have a choice, or setting MY needs aside for theirs ALL the time: will injure their understanding of limits. Maybe even more than mine were injured as a child. I want to raise adults who can "take no for an answer". Mature adults who cope with it in a healthy way, and move on. Because, I'm not just raising children, I'm raising future adults.
Now I don't expect them to be good at taking "No", especially as young as they are! I will be working with them on this for a very long time. When they protest I teach them how to hear how they feel. I want them to recognize what their true feelings are so they can react appropriately. I teach this by reflecting it to them, "I know you're so ANGRY that you have to take this bath. I know you don't WANT a bath right now. It makes you really mad!!!!! We're going to do this really fast...Lets rinse off the sand so we don't shake it off in our bed. Do you want to sleep in the sand pit? You DO!? Where would you sleep, under the big rock with all the toy trucks? What if we made our bed a sand pit? Would sand feel good in our sheets? It WOULDN'T?! Would it be all scratchy? Yeah...Oh look you're CLEAN! All done!""
When they strike out in anger I teach them what they can do instead. "You're so angry because I said you couldn't play with my VERY SHARP scissors. YOU WANT THEM. But those are dangerous! They could hurt you! Would you like your special blue scissors instead? What do you want to cut with them? Paper or foam?"""
If they are just too caught up in their tantrum I carry them to their room, let them have it out in their bed (and I stay with them or leave depending on what they seem to need). And when the tears of frustration have turned from rage to "I'm just doing this because I'm alone and I need to be talked down now" place I move in and comfort and help them move on.
Some times frustration is good. And having a safe place and a healthy outlet (knowing it's OKAY) is even better.
So in the end, in an effort to have my children have healthy boundaries for themselves, I don't want to neglect another very important part of their character, the ability to take other peoples "no". Because that could be just as (if not more so) devastating as becoming a "door mat".
mommiejoy
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
My Thoughts on Limits...
I read this blog post. And I needed to process it. I had commented and then deleted my comment because I wanted to think on it some more.
I can agree with a lot of what she says. Like this (I feel its' all true...to a point):
Quote: "It's based on the fact that I'm still the same person as I was as a child. I have the same feelings and thoughts now as I did then. I think kids are just like adults in terms of how they want to be treated. I think people, young and old, want to have ultimate control over their bodies and their lives. I don't think mentally healthy people want to be restrained. I could be wrong. Let me know, please."
I think the key factor she's missing here is maturity. Kids don't have it. They can't think in big pictures and grand schemes. They see, they do. While I believe children are a lot smarter and wiser and in-tune with what they need than adults are...And I completely agree with her on the fact that they deserve to treated with the up-most respect. Bottom line? They aren't little adults. They need direction. They need to learn to live with other human beings, to give and take. And some times life lessons aren't any fun. Some times they don't feel good. Some times they'll have big ugly feelings about where they find themselves. I've already talked about how important it is to set our children up for success.
Moving on, I don't "impose" limits on my children. Limits and boundaries are written into the fabric of our very existence. Gravity is an obvious boundary. You jump up, you fall down.
A nother natural boundary, You are smaller than cars, if you run in front of one it will hurt you. If you want to insure that you don't meet up with a car, follow proper safety guidelines for crossing appropriately. Look both ways, and cross. Streets aren't for playing in, there is always risk invovled...And why take such a gamble?
Seriously, I have a radical streak in me. I'm all for free range kids. I get weird looks (and hover grandmothers at the park) talking down to me because my 21mos old has wandered off further than THEY think she should have. I can see her, I know my child. And I trust my 1) instincts and 2) assessment of the situation: there is nothing that could possibly hurt her in the situations I let her wonder off in.
But there's being radical and trusting our children. And there's also the common sense that we are entrusted with the greatest most powerful and precious gift and responsibility, raising and protecting the children entrusted to us.
Quote: "I think children want to be informed and supported, but they want to be free to make choices. I don't think kids want to be told how many bites to eat or when they need to sleep or when they need to wear a jacket. I try not to impose my will on my children, or my perception of their limits."
You know what? I agree with her here too. I don't force my kids to eat foods they don't want to. I can't force them to fall asleep on command. But I do work with them. I try to set up the rhythm of their lives so they succeed. So the routines of our days are laid out and structured in such a way where they can nap when they feel tired (I make sure we're home consistently at the same times). If they don't want to wear what I think (in my maturity) they should, It's a non issue- I pack what they might need later. They live in the now. I'm the parent, I need to live in the ahead (yes that's a time ;0).
QUOTE: "I don't make them choose anything. I do make choices for them, based on my knowledge of their preferences. But even then, they are almost always free to object, to veto, to make a different choice. Many times, they do go along with what I choose, because they trust me. And they know they are free to choose otherwise."
You know I agree with this too actually. And maybe I'm reading way more into what she was saying.
But the way I see it? Some times life isn't set up in a way that they can veto. My children are always free to object, I try never to squelch their very real feelings- as long as they are shared appropriately (hitting, kicking or any physical act towards me, stomps my boundary to have my body respected). I want them to always feel safe. To know that I care about what they think.
But when you live in a family unit, some times for the sake of family harmony, a veto is out of the question. Living life where children can just veto and make a different choice just isn't practical in every situation. Some times we screw up and the situation sucks...And that's a life lesson for every one involved. I'm all for compromise. But I'm not going to do it if it means the family unit is being drained. Some times (many times) no, just means no. They're going to run up against that 1093209384 times in their life and it's important that they learn how to take it at home, with people who love and support them no matter what.
I think the thing that bothered me about this post was that this could easily melt down into severe permissiveness. Children have to learn to say NO. It's so important. It's important that their "no" be respected. But we, as adults, also have the wisdom and maturity to know that some times "no" can't go. If my 21mos old daughter says "no" when I say it's time to change her diaper. She can protest, but it doesn't change what needs to be done. Now if she's in the middle of some thing I don't just scoop her up from what she's doing. I respectfully help her transition to getting her diaper changed so she can get back to playing (and I try not to put diaper changes right in the middle of very intense playing). But bottom line, her diaper will be changed. No matter how she protests. Because crap on her bum = pain for her. She doesn't understand this. But as her Mommie, it's my job to protect her. To advocate for her, to help her.
I think out of wanting to respect children, we forget an important part, we ARE in charge. Yes, we give them choices, we treat them with respect, and we let them make mistakes. But We ARE the adults. It's not about imposing rules and boundaries...It's about helping children find what is appropriate, and what isn't. It's about holding boundaries that exist and helping them navigate within them successfully. Every one has boundaries.
For example, my boundaries are that my body and my being will be treated with respect. I teach this from infancy on. When a nursing does some thing that is uncomfortable to me, I gently redirect...We reposition, we try again, or we stop the nursing session if they persist. The baby didn't know or have the maturity to understand, but she HAD crossed a boundary. Am I imposing a limit on her? Should I just let her chew my nipple to smitherines for the sake of avoiding forcing her to do some thing she doesn't want to?
Yeah, no.
I expect my children to protest, I am glad they trust me enough to do so. When I unlatch that little nursling and tell her to hold up. She may very well throw a fit about it. At least the first few times . But then she catches on...She quickly unlatches when I say "Ouch" and relatches so I'm comfortable. We've learned to work and respect each others boundaries.
I wish I had the energy to go on. I still have some processing to do. I just feel like the way some of that last post was worded could make you sound completely and utterly permissive and that's some thing I really rail against.
Definitely more to come. I want to talk about arbitrary limits. And I think that blogger was talking about.
Just my processing...I gotta run, I'm half asleep.
I can agree with a lot of what she says. Like this (I feel its' all true...to a point):
Quote: "It's based on the fact that I'm still the same person as I was as a child. I have the same feelings and thoughts now as I did then. I think kids are just like adults in terms of how they want to be treated. I think people, young and old, want to have ultimate control over their bodies and their lives. I don't think mentally healthy people want to be restrained. I could be wrong. Let me know, please."
I think the key factor she's missing here is maturity. Kids don't have it. They can't think in big pictures and grand schemes. They see, they do. While I believe children are a lot smarter and wiser and in-tune with what they need than adults are...And I completely agree with her on the fact that they deserve to treated with the up-most respect. Bottom line? They aren't little adults. They need direction. They need to learn to live with other human beings, to give and take. And some times life lessons aren't any fun. Some times they don't feel good. Some times they'll have big ugly feelings about where they find themselves. I've already talked about how important it is to set our children up for success.
Moving on, I don't "impose" limits on my children. Limits and boundaries are written into the fabric of our very existence. Gravity is an obvious boundary. You jump up, you fall down.
A nother natural boundary, You are smaller than cars, if you run in front of one it will hurt you. If you want to insure that you don't meet up with a car, follow proper safety guidelines for crossing appropriately. Look both ways, and cross. Streets aren't for playing in, there is always risk invovled...And why take such a gamble?
Seriously, I have a radical streak in me. I'm all for free range kids. I get weird looks (and hover grandmothers at the park) talking down to me because my 21mos old has wandered off further than THEY think she should have. I can see her, I know my child. And I trust my 1) instincts and 2) assessment of the situation: there is nothing that could possibly hurt her in the situations I let her wonder off in.
But there's being radical and trusting our children. And there's also the common sense that we are entrusted with the greatest most powerful and precious gift and responsibility, raising and protecting the children entrusted to us.
Quote: "I think children want to be informed and supported, but they want to be free to make choices. I don't think kids want to be told how many bites to eat or when they need to sleep or when they need to wear a jacket. I try not to impose my will on my children, or my perception of their limits."
You know what? I agree with her here too. I don't force my kids to eat foods they don't want to. I can't force them to fall asleep on command. But I do work with them. I try to set up the rhythm of their lives so they succeed. So the routines of our days are laid out and structured in such a way where they can nap when they feel tired (I make sure we're home consistently at the same times). If they don't want to wear what I think (in my maturity) they should, It's a non issue- I pack what they might need later. They live in the now. I'm the parent, I need to live in the ahead (yes that's a time ;0).
QUOTE: "I don't make them choose anything. I do make choices for them, based on my knowledge of their preferences. But even then, they are almost always free to object, to veto, to make a different choice. Many times, they do go along with what I choose, because they trust me. And they know they are free to choose otherwise."
You know I agree with this too actually. And maybe I'm reading way more into what she was saying.
But the way I see it? Some times life isn't set up in a way that they can veto. My children are always free to object, I try never to squelch their very real feelings- as long as they are shared appropriately (hitting, kicking or any physical act towards me, stomps my boundary to have my body respected). I want them to always feel safe. To know that I care about what they think.
But when you live in a family unit, some times for the sake of family harmony, a veto is out of the question. Living life where children can just veto and make a different choice just isn't practical in every situation. Some times we screw up and the situation sucks...And that's a life lesson for every one involved. I'm all for compromise. But I'm not going to do it if it means the family unit is being drained. Some times (many times) no, just means no. They're going to run up against that 1093209384 times in their life and it's important that they learn how to take it at home, with people who love and support them no matter what.
I think the thing that bothered me about this post was that this could easily melt down into severe permissiveness. Children have to learn to say NO. It's so important. It's important that their "no" be respected. But we, as adults, also have the wisdom and maturity to know that some times "no" can't go. If my 21mos old daughter says "no" when I say it's time to change her diaper. She can protest, but it doesn't change what needs to be done. Now if she's in the middle of some thing I don't just scoop her up from what she's doing. I respectfully help her transition to getting her diaper changed so she can get back to playing (and I try not to put diaper changes right in the middle of very intense playing). But bottom line, her diaper will be changed. No matter how she protests. Because crap on her bum = pain for her. She doesn't understand this. But as her Mommie, it's my job to protect her. To advocate for her, to help her.
I think out of wanting to respect children, we forget an important part, we ARE in charge. Yes, we give them choices, we treat them with respect, and we let them make mistakes. But We ARE the adults. It's not about imposing rules and boundaries...It's about helping children find what is appropriate, and what isn't. It's about holding boundaries that exist and helping them navigate within them successfully. Every one has boundaries.
For example, my boundaries are that my body and my being will be treated with respect. I teach this from infancy on. When a nursing does some thing that is uncomfortable to me, I gently redirect...We reposition, we try again, or we stop the nursing session if they persist. The baby didn't know or have the maturity to understand, but she HAD crossed a boundary. Am I imposing a limit on her? Should I just let her chew my nipple to smitherines for the sake of avoiding forcing her to do some thing she doesn't want to?
Yeah, no.
I expect my children to protest, I am glad they trust me enough to do so. When I unlatch that little nursling and tell her to hold up. She may very well throw a fit about it. At least the first few times . But then she catches on...She quickly unlatches when I say "Ouch" and relatches so I'm comfortable. We've learned to work and respect each others boundaries.
I wish I had the energy to go on. I still have some processing to do. I just feel like the way some of that last post was worded could make you sound completely and utterly permissive and that's some thing I really rail against.
Definitely more to come. I want to talk about arbitrary limits. And I think that blogger was talking about.
Just my processing...I gotta run, I'm half asleep.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Journey Through Motherhood...Happy Mother's Day
This is my 5th year to celebrate this special day...
The first year I remember clearly, dry heaving in the church bathroom, 5 or 6 weeks pregnant. I went home early. Then a lunch at my Mom's where I sipped lemons in water trying to keep some thing down.
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| Me with the hubby and siblings...I'm the one with the classy seabands |
Then my second mother's day... The first one with a real outside-breathing-real-as-can-be-baby
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| We were tired...And she was trying to catch a nap at church. |
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| My first mother's day lunch at cracker barrel...Roo enjoyed a different kind of meal (yes back in the days when I used a cover, soon became a giant "I'm nursing look at us" white flag!) |
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| My 3rd Mother's Day... I didn't get an actual picture on Mother's Day...But this is very close. Roo at about 15mos, and Friendly in utero. |
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| My 4th..Last year celebrating Mother's Day in Florida with Hubby's family. This was after nap. |
And this year...Who needs to sleep in? Or breakfast in bed! Friendly was up and at em around 6 a.m....I could have sent her out with hubby. But I enjoyed the snuggles. The early rising inspired the idea of coffee (and donuts) at Wegman's a favorite family treat.
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| They demolished their donuts! |
The girls went to church with Hubby and I stayed home and went for a run/walk...Spent some time with Jesus....Did some yoga/pilates fusion work out... They came home and I napped the couch Friendly came out and found me when she woke up:
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| We enjoyed some after nap snuggles |
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| I can't say what a blessing this part of Mothering has been to me...I wish all women could experience the joys that are in these moments. |
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| Roo picked out a flower for me at church, she ran and got it for me right after her nap. |
I'm some one's Mommie.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Well Behaved Child...PART TWO
Here is PART ONE.
I've been trying to figure out how I was going to write this...And I guess my point really comes down to this question:
What is moral and what is cultural?
As I've gone down this path of following my instincts and my children as they cue, a few things have become apparent to me. Some times (many times) this isn't very convenient for me. And when things are really inconvenient I try to work towards making changes...
But some times it means seasons of just plain being inconvenienced. For example my babies didn't tend sleep well on the go. If we messed with morning nap (be it by timing or location), we had a very cranky baby on our hands. So for several months of baby's first year (and with Friendly, into the second) that meant staying home and missing play dates (or scheduling appointments for later in the day). On the other end of that bedtime was pretty inflexible. If we missed that "sleepy window" we were up for hours with an overstimulated CRANKY little person. That meant events in the evening were pretty much off the table unless it was a very special occasion (and worth the DAYS spent getting our littles out of the over-tired nasty cycle). Sunday mornings were so very much dreaded because it meant missed morning nap, and screwed up the entire day...It usually took until Wednesday to get sleep patterns straightened back out, exhausting. And frankly, during rough stages...I stayed home with baby.
This was some thing that surprised me. And also left me feeling a bit like a neurotic control freak about sleep times. I don't know anyone with "normal" babies who've had to be this weird about going out- at any time. People (albeit mostly people who hadn't had kids yet..or for many many years) were always a bit puzzled as to why we were so "no we can't that's BEDTIME [dun dun duuuuuuh]!!". It left us feeling very misunderstood and isolated.
I am elated to say, that at nearly 21mos Friendly is just now starting to be able to handle evening activities with out epic meltdowns and over-tired craziness after-math. It's been a long 21 months (actually about 36months as Roo was just leaving that stage when Friendly was born)! But for the sanity and health for every one involved, staying home was what was best. For that season. Oh and how lovely to be coming out on the other side and realize, it truly was a season! WOW! We can be out until 7- 7:30 and still have relatively happy littles, whoa!!! Shock. Awe. Yipeeeee. Now mid-day nap time cannot be fudged too much...But that seems pretty normal to most people.
So my question, is the fact that my babies were inflexible and not-the greatest sleepers a moral issue? Are they inherently sinning against God because they wake often at night? Or don't nap well unless things were a certain way? Absolutely not.
Am I immoral or a bad parent because I'm in this situation? ha.
Setting my kids up for success, that's my job. If it means staying home, I do. If it means strapping them into a stroller before they can taste freedom (erm, run away) I do it, even when they loudly protest. It's my job to keep my kids safe. Help them respect the boundaries that do that. And to help them be successful in any situations we find ourselves in. Letting my child run into the street, not successful at accomplishing any of those things.
Setting our kids up for success, what it looks like...
Reasonable expectations: Oh how I've learned about this in the last 3 years! It's unreasonable to expect a baby to stop crying when they have a tummy ache. It's unreasonable to expect a 2 (or even 3, 4,5) year old to have impulse control (all the time). If you want some thing to survive your toddler: keep it out of reach. If you want your toddler to survive, keep them with in reach.
We started a container Garden this spring (this is related I promise!). It's been a lot of fun. The girls are very interested in anything involving dirt (or getting messy), so this has been educational for all of us. It has also involved a little creative planning and a lot of supervision on my part. We live in a sunny apartment (YAAY!). The best sun is in the morning, and the very best sun is on the floor in front of our patio doors. It's been a very very rainy spring and so on the sunny mornings I would capitalize on the sun being around and put our seedlings (or as Friendly calls them "babies") on the floor. I was trying to get them to soak up as much sun as possible.
I knew putting those plants on the floor could very well mean we would never eat of their fruit (to put it poetically). I knew it would be a failure on my part if the seedlings were destroyed. It would be unreasonable to expect a 1.5 year old (or even, under certain conditions, a 3 year old) to leave them alone. But ...They were plants they needed the sun, and I accepted the fact that they could get hurt. It would suck if they did, but it wasn't a big deal to me.
What would have been unreasonable is if I were to get upset about seedlings being pulled out, or leaves being plucked off. Little people are not adult little people. They are young, and lack the maturity to control themselves in all situations, all the time, no matter what. That is definitely a pet peeve of mine involving our Western culture. We as a culture, greatly overestimate the amount of control young children have over their bodies, decisions and emotions. And we have popular teachers (*coughsupernannycough*) giving us bad information and spreading the lie that we need to come down hard and control these little miscreants. It's not our job to control, it's our job to set them up for success.
I was NOT setting us up for success in this situation...at least not physically. But on another level I was, I had reasonable expectations. And I was willing -as much as I was able to do so- to supervise those little plants and little people when they were on the floor together. I also taught the girls about the "baby plants" and how they needed sunshine to grow. That we must never ever never hurt the babies by pulling on them. And if we needed to touch them we could do it sooooo gently. And SUCCESS! My seedlings (all but one or two but I planted more than I needed), survived all the love Friendly lavished upon them (and I'm talking, sprawled out on the floor singing Baby Mine to them and ooooh so gently stroking them- they were babies after all!) .
And they are now happily out flourishing in their containers on the patio... I mean we've definitely had a few casualties... Friendly + a trowel = dead tomato plant. But hey, considering how much she loves da babies, I'm not complaining!
I want to clarify some thing about boundaries, and little people, and reasonable expectations, and setting children up for success...
Okay I want to clarify my whole post! Just because little people lack impulse control, or have a hard time keeping their emotions to an appropriate level doesn't mean we back off whenever they do some thing outside of the boundaries (they run away when we say "wait". Or totally meltdown when we say "no"). No that's when we physically show them what we need them to do. No I'm not talking hitting them!
When we say "wait" to a young child we take their hand in ours, and stand very still to show them what we mean. And we do this until they learn what it means. Also, while they are learning we always try to keep very small ones close enough so that we can remind them if they forget. And have a back up plan (a stroller or carrier) if they are having a hard time following through.
When they melt down we run through the HALT questions to see how we can help them
I also want to say that kids don't come out knowing what every thing means automatically and in all situations. Big wordy explanations do zip for small children. We have to make our actions (gentle and intentional guidance) speak louder than our words.
Do I always handle things this way? No. Some times my kids get too far away from me, and I get upset. A lot of times it's frustrating to balance reasonable expectations and what I wish was the reality. Some times I don't set us up for success, and ugliness ensues...It's a learning process and mistakes happen, we move along with new knowledge, more experience, and hopefully more tools.
I'll leave you with a great parenting resource: GOYB Parenting check it out, it has a lot more of what I've been trying to explain/process.
I've been trying to figure out how I was going to write this...And I guess my point really comes down to this question:
What is moral and what is cultural?
As I've gone down this path of following my instincts and my children as they cue, a few things have become apparent to me. Some times (many times) this isn't very convenient for me. And when things are really inconvenient I try to work towards making changes...
But some times it means seasons of just plain being inconvenienced. For example my babies didn't tend sleep well on the go. If we messed with morning nap (be it by timing or location), we had a very cranky baby on our hands. So for several months of baby's first year (and with Friendly, into the second) that meant staying home and missing play dates (or scheduling appointments for later in the day). On the other end of that bedtime was pretty inflexible. If we missed that "sleepy window" we were up for hours with an overstimulated CRANKY little person. That meant events in the evening were pretty much off the table unless it was a very special occasion (and worth the DAYS spent getting our littles out of the over-tired nasty cycle). Sunday mornings were so very much dreaded because it meant missed morning nap, and screwed up the entire day...It usually took until Wednesday to get sleep patterns straightened back out, exhausting. And frankly, during rough stages...I stayed home with baby.
This was some thing that surprised me. And also left me feeling a bit like a neurotic control freak about sleep times. I don't know anyone with "normal" babies who've had to be this weird about going out- at any time. People (albeit mostly people who hadn't had kids yet..or for many many years) were always a bit puzzled as to why we were so "no we can't that's BEDTIME [dun dun duuuuuuh]!!". It left us feeling very misunderstood and isolated.
I am elated to say, that at nearly 21mos Friendly is just now starting to be able to handle evening activities with out epic meltdowns and over-tired craziness after-math. It's been a long 21 months (actually about 36months as Roo was just leaving that stage when Friendly was born)! But for the sanity and health for every one involved, staying home was what was best. For that season. Oh and how lovely to be coming out on the other side and realize, it truly was a season! WOW! We can be out until 7- 7:30 and still have relatively happy littles, whoa!!! Shock. Awe. Yipeeeee. Now mid-day nap time cannot be fudged too much...But that seems pretty normal to most people.
So my question, is the fact that my babies were inflexible and not-the greatest sleepers a moral issue? Are they inherently sinning against God because they wake often at night? Or don't nap well unless things were a certain way? Absolutely not.
Am I immoral or a bad parent because I'm in this situation? ha.
Setting my kids up for success, that's my job. If it means staying home, I do. If it means strapping them into a stroller before they can taste freedom (erm, run away) I do it, even when they loudly protest. It's my job to keep my kids safe. Help them respect the boundaries that do that. And to help them be successful in any situations we find ourselves in. Letting my child run into the street, not successful at accomplishing any of those things.
Setting our kids up for success, what it looks like...
Reasonable expectations: Oh how I've learned about this in the last 3 years! It's unreasonable to expect a baby to stop crying when they have a tummy ache. It's unreasonable to expect a 2 (or even 3, 4,5) year old to have impulse control (all the time). If you want some thing to survive your toddler: keep it out of reach. If you want your toddler to survive, keep them with in reach.
We started a container Garden this spring (this is related I promise!). It's been a lot of fun. The girls are very interested in anything involving dirt (or getting messy), so this has been educational for all of us. It has also involved a little creative planning and a lot of supervision on my part. We live in a sunny apartment (YAAY!). The best sun is in the morning, and the very best sun is on the floor in front of our patio doors. It's been a very very rainy spring and so on the sunny mornings I would capitalize on the sun being around and put our seedlings (or as Friendly calls them "babies") on the floor. I was trying to get them to soak up as much sun as possible.
 |
| I'm not tooooouching them Mommie (yet!) |
I knew putting those plants on the floor could very well mean we would never eat of their fruit (to put it poetically). I knew it would be a failure on my part if the seedlings were destroyed. It would be unreasonable to expect a 1.5 year old (or even, under certain conditions, a 3 year old) to leave them alone. But ...They were plants they needed the sun, and I accepted the fact that they could get hurt. It would suck if they did, but it wasn't a big deal to me.
What would have been unreasonable is if I were to get upset about seedlings being pulled out, or leaves being plucked off. Little people are not adult little people. They are young, and lack the maturity to control themselves in all situations, all the time, no matter what. That is definitely a pet peeve of mine involving our Western culture. We as a culture, greatly overestimate the amount of control young children have over their bodies, decisions and emotions. And we have popular teachers (*coughsupernannycough*) giving us bad information and spreading the lie that we need to come down hard and control these little miscreants. It's not our job to control, it's our job to set them up for success.
I was NOT setting us up for success in this situation...at least not physically. But on another level I was, I had reasonable expectations. And I was willing -as much as I was able to do so- to supervise those little plants and little people when they were on the floor together. I also taught the girls about the "baby plants" and how they needed sunshine to grow. That we must never ever never hurt the babies by pulling on them. And if we needed to touch them we could do it sooooo gently. And SUCCESS! My seedlings (all but one or two but I planted more than I needed), survived all the love Friendly lavished upon them (and I'm talking, sprawled out on the floor singing Baby Mine to them and ooooh so gently stroking them- they were babies after all!) .
 |
| singing to the babies |
And they are now happily out flourishing in their containers on the patio... I mean we've definitely had a few casualties... Friendly + a trowel = dead tomato plant. But hey, considering how much she loves da babies, I'm not complaining!
I want to clarify some thing about boundaries, and little people, and reasonable expectations, and setting children up for success...
Okay I want to clarify my whole post! Just because little people lack impulse control, or have a hard time keeping their emotions to an appropriate level doesn't mean we back off whenever they do some thing outside of the boundaries (they run away when we say "wait". Or totally meltdown when we say "no"). No that's when we physically show them what we need them to do. No I'm not talking hitting them!
When we say "wait" to a young child we take their hand in ours, and stand very still to show them what we mean. And we do this until they learn what it means. Also, while they are learning we always try to keep very small ones close enough so that we can remind them if they forget. And have a back up plan (a stroller or carrier) if they are having a hard time following through.
When they melt down we run through the HALT questions to see how we can help them
- are they hungry?
- Are they angry (feeling misunderstood)?
- Are they lonely (have we been too busy for them and they are just acting out to remind us they exisist)?
- Are they tired (have we pushed this play date to it's brink of what their energy really can hadle)?
I also want to say that kids don't come out knowing what every thing means automatically and in all situations. Big wordy explanations do zip for small children. We have to make our actions (gentle and intentional guidance) speak louder than our words.
Do I always handle things this way? No. Some times my kids get too far away from me, and I get upset. A lot of times it's frustrating to balance reasonable expectations and what I wish was the reality. Some times I don't set us up for success, and ugliness ensues...It's a learning process and mistakes happen, we move along with new knowledge, more experience, and hopefully more tools.
I'll leave you with a great parenting resource: GOYB Parenting check it out, it has a lot more of what I've been trying to explain/process.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
How I Love...
This post uses real names, but it's too cute to resist. We have a song hubby wrote for the girls last year...
It goes
How I love, how I love I love, How I love my _________Joy. She's so cute and so precious to me! How I love my _________ Jooooy!"
Friendly has started singing it almost constantly, she loves to sing about Roo...About "Mommmie Joy"...About "Daddy Joy". She loves to SING.
And this is the other singing one...It is incredible! For the last month she's not been napping or sleeping well, she's been extremely frustrated and cranky: BAM this past week she's started speaking 4 or 5 new words a DAY! Verbal explosion, incredible.
In this video when the timer goes off she says she's scared of the timer... A lot of what she says isn't very intelligible, but she's really trying, it's cute. Oh and when she says at the end of the one song "alligot" she's saying "that's all I got" when she's done singing. :0D
It goes
How I love, how I love I love, How I love my _________Joy. She's so cute and so precious to me! How I love my _________ Jooooy!"
Friendly has started singing it almost constantly, she loves to sing about Roo...About "Mommmie Joy"...About "Daddy Joy". She loves to SING.
And this is the other singing one...It is incredible! For the last month she's not been napping or sleeping well, she's been extremely frustrated and cranky: BAM this past week she's started speaking 4 or 5 new words a DAY! Verbal explosion, incredible.
In this video when the timer goes off she says she's scared of the timer... A lot of what she says isn't very intelligible, but she's really trying, it's cute. Oh and when she says at the end of the one song "alligot" she's saying "that's all I got" when she's done singing. :0D
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Lighten Up!
I take myself too seriously. I can laugh at myself, but I still do take it all too seriously. I have a hard time lightening up.
I wish I could be the low key, laid back person I see myself as.
Most of the time I feel like I'm more of this on edge, drained, exhausted and verbally constipated person. Yes, verbally constipated.
I know I do a lot of things right. And there a lot of ideas and ideals I have, that I'm really just learning and grappling with what they mean for me.
And yet I'm in awe, why do these amazing little people love me so much? How are they so forgiving, giving. They always want to be with me. They think I'm like...better than sliced bread!
I feel like I've spent the last six...erm, seven years of my life doggie paddling. I have learned so much about myself. I have grown, a lot. But as much healing as has happened, I still feel a bit stuck. Kind of tripping over things, tangled and...waiting.
I wish I had the kind of brain that saw things clearly. That could look at a situation in a nice neat...Like this:
People with this kind of brain can explain things clearly. They know what they mean when it comes out of their mouths. They articulate things clearly. They see things in an organized fashion.
And then...There is my brain:
Funny, right? My brain is a very emotional beast. I if I had to describe how I see things it would be exactly like this! Every thing has too many layers to it to be organized neatly. There are feelings, emotions, vibes (or whatever, things have feelings to them!)...It's not neat and tidy.
Hold on with me here, I know I take myself too seriously...I know I mull over things I can't change, or lament over things I should have done differently. I'm not always going to live up to all of them. If my kids can love me despite my inadaquecies...The fact that I dont' have all my act together. The fact that I don't have all the answers. The fact that I am still doggie paddling through life, kinda trying to figure out how I work... Becoming more aware of myself as a person... If they can love me, WELL WOW!!!!! I need to lighten up...But more importantly?
GRACE.
Jesus.
He has a dream for me, a hope for me...He (needs to be? should be? is?) my hope. And I am His child, His friend, His baby, His.
And another thing, I was thinking about the girls how every few months when I look back I think "Wow! They were such babies..." The same is true for me! I need to embrace where growth is happening, celebrate it! I need to celebrate the fact that I'm becoming more aware of who I am as a person, who God created me to be. I need to lighten up and realize, I'm never going to think like other people and that's okay.
It's also okay to try. to learn. to be. I struggle to communicate, especially more and more as words become important to my littles. I mean I'm pretty normal, I'm not a mute...I get by. Actually some in real life (if they know me really well) know me as a bit loquacious (vocab word, whoot whoot!). But when I get stressed or overwhelmed, WHOOSH they leave my brain and my tongue. Stuck: nothing comes out. It's been so frustrating to be overwhelmed trying to communicate verbally to my children and then try to simultaneously handle it physically (like redirecting with my hands full: never a good idea!).
And I'll say, knock my 3 year old off her tricycle. Yup, real winner of a moment this morning. (She was riding towards the center of the street and the only word that kept coming out was "Roo, side side side side side!!" In the midst of that I was right next to her trying to coax her back towards the side, while holding Friendly, a sippie, her doll and her baby doll stroller...I nudged Roo's trike handle bar with my knee and knocked the whole thing over! ugh).
Anyway, there is grace enough...seriously.
Bottom line, it always comes back to two things...The story of the past year. It all comes back to Horizontal and Vertical Parenting .I can't be the best with the horizontal people in my life, unless I'm plugged in vertically.
I keep coming back to one of my favorite Newsboys songs:
(Light Up by Newsboys)
...Back and forth like a daytime drama
Up and down like a Yo-Yo Ma
Say there's gonna be days like this
Cause light and dark don't coexist
How ya gonna see through this fog
How ya gonna get back on course
Ya ain't never gonna feel the force
If ya don't connect to a power source
Cause ya been swapping out day for night
But ya see a lamp light burning bright
If ya get your flip-flops off the porch
We're passing you the torch
When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
We ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine
When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up
I was feeling all overcome
Had a faith gone dim and then some
Gotta call from a band of brothers
Turn the mic on, flash the Nikons
All the doubters, I heard them say,
Now the band's gonna fade away
But the boys are back for a second act
No excuses, we're lighting fuses
You're in the dawn of your finest hour
So get wired to the highest power
If you're down pick any sight
Get ready to ignite
chorus
When we walk in His footsteps
It's a brighter day
When we follow His word
He lights the way
When we lift up His banner
and raise it high
We light up the sky
When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up
chorus 2x
When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
If we ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine
Lyrics produced here for educational purposes only, as heard on http://www.facebook.com/newsboys.official. Lyrics are property and copywrite of their owners.
Bottom line... There's always grace enough! And also...It may look messy to me now. But in the end I know it's going to be beautiful.
I wish I could be the low key, laid back person I see myself as.
Most of the time I feel like I'm more of this on edge, drained, exhausted and verbally constipated person. Yes, verbally constipated.
I know I do a lot of things right. And there a lot of ideas and ideals I have, that I'm really just learning and grappling with what they mean for me.
And yet I'm in awe, why do these amazing little people love me so much? How are they so forgiving, giving. They always want to be with me. They think I'm like...better than sliced bread!
 |
| Friendly certainly thinks I taste way better than gross processed bread...At least she sure seems to for as much as I see her in this position!!! |
I wish I had the kind of brain that saw things clearly. That could look at a situation in a nice neat...Like this:
And then...There is my brain:
Hold on with me here, I know I take myself too seriously...I know I mull over things I can't change, or lament over things I should have done differently. I'm not always going to live up to all of them. If my kids can love me despite my inadaquecies...The fact that I dont' have all my act together. The fact that I don't have all the answers. The fact that I am still doggie paddling through life, kinda trying to figure out how I work... Becoming more aware of myself as a person... If they can love me, WELL WOW!!!!! I need to lighten up...But more importantly?
GRACE.
Jesus.
He has a dream for me, a hope for me...He (needs to be? should be? is?) my hope. And I am His child, His friend, His baby, His.
And another thing, I was thinking about the girls how every few months when I look back I think "Wow! They were such babies..." The same is true for me! I need to embrace where growth is happening, celebrate it! I need to celebrate the fact that I'm becoming more aware of who I am as a person, who God created me to be. I need to lighten up and realize, I'm never going to think like other people and that's okay.
It's also okay to try. to learn. to be. I struggle to communicate, especially more and more as words become important to my littles. I mean I'm pretty normal, I'm not a mute...I get by. Actually some in real life (if they know me really well) know me as a bit loquacious (vocab word, whoot whoot!). But when I get stressed or overwhelmed, WHOOSH they leave my brain and my tongue. Stuck: nothing comes out. It's been so frustrating to be overwhelmed trying to communicate verbally to my children and then try to simultaneously handle it physically (like redirecting with my hands full: never a good idea!).
And I'll say, knock my 3 year old off her tricycle. Yup, real winner of a moment this morning. (She was riding towards the center of the street and the only word that kept coming out was "Roo, side side side side side!!" In the midst of that I was right next to her trying to coax her back towards the side, while holding Friendly, a sippie, her doll and her baby doll stroller...I nudged Roo's trike handle bar with my knee and knocked the whole thing over! ugh).Anyway, there is grace enough...seriously.
Bottom line, it always comes back to two things...The story of the past year. It all comes back to Horizontal and Vertical Parenting .I can't be the best with the horizontal people in my life, unless I'm plugged in vertically.
I keep coming back to one of my favorite Newsboys songs:
(Light Up by Newsboys)
...Back and forth like a daytime drama
Up and down like a Yo-Yo Ma
Say there's gonna be days like this
Cause light and dark don't coexist
How ya gonna see through this fog
How ya gonna get back on course
Ya ain't never gonna feel the force
If ya don't connect to a power source
Cause ya been swapping out day for night
But ya see a lamp light burning bright
If ya get your flip-flops off the porch
We're passing you the torch
When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
We ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine
When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up
I was feeling all overcome
Had a faith gone dim and then some
Gotta call from a band of brothers
Turn the mic on, flash the Nikons
All the doubters, I heard them say,
Now the band's gonna fade away
But the boys are back for a second act
No excuses, we're lighting fuses
You're in the dawn of your finest hour
So get wired to the highest power
If you're down pick any sight
Get ready to ignite
chorus
When we walk in His footsteps
It's a brighter day
When we follow His word
He lights the way
When we lift up His banner
and raise it high
We light up the sky
When the boys light up, light up
When the boys light up, light up
chorus 2x
When the boys light up, ya know
Who gets the praise who owns the show
When the boys light up, it's on
We ain't stopping till we're done
If we ain't nothing but the conduits
He's got the power, He'll flip the switch
Leaving the dark behind
Light up and let it shine
Lyrics produced here for educational purposes only, as heard on http://www.facebook.com/newsboys.official. Lyrics are property and copywrite of their owners.
Bottom line... There's always grace enough! And also...It may look messy to me now. But in the end I know it's going to be beautiful.
 |
| And this is from my walk last night... It was pretty. and strangely messy too! |
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"L" is for Carrot
Did you know that? Well, you learn some thing new every day.
Off topic ramble here, hold on! I snuggled a tiny new baby last week. Were my babies ever so small? They were, they were smaller. Roo was 6lbs 3oz when we brought her home from the hospital. She was such a tiny peanut.
Friendly never had that teeny tiny feel. She was a strong little thing. She didn't lose any weight after birth, and went from 7lbs 150z at birth to 13lbs2oz at her 6 week check up. I kinda feel like I missed the teeny tiny stage with her, that "Oh my goodness how could any thing possibly be soooo small?" stage.
My girls are growing. The years are starting to race by! It kinda takes your breath away. When I think on it this is our FOURTH spring with Roo.
I blinked and I had 2 little kids!
Friendly is losing her baby ways. Ooh she still has plenty! But she's talking more, she says things like "Ummmmm" when you ask her a question. She declares "I do it!". She consideres her answers carefully, and even if what she says is unintelligible it is shared with the utmost dignity.
I love her answers of, "Welllll, oookay". She's 20 months going on 10. The other day I was redirecting her from digging in her Daddy's desk drawer and she pushed my hand away and said "No! Go away!" clear as day. And then threw a fantastic fit when I removed her anyway. She's going to be interesting!
Roo is turning into a little girl. She is a little girl. How'd that happen? I just want to suck her back into that little itty baby she was. I want to take back all that time and relive it with all the experience and tools I have now. Why do you have to be so green when you start this parenting thing? Why can't you just appreciate how fast it goes? Like REALLY appreciate the sleepless nights and the teething crank and the ...everything! Okay I still have some time to snuggle her, lots of time hopefully! But I can't believe how the past 3 years have just zipped by.
Lately, I find myself just pressing pause in my brain.
Snap take a picture of this moment...Hold it, it's going to go away too soon!
I digress.
The other week Roo drew the letter "W". It was really an "M" but she declared it a "W" and I was just too proud that she made an actual intelligible letter I didn't correct her. Also the "letter" (she informed me) on the left is a carrot "wif an 'L' at the bottowm becwause 'L' is for carrot." again, I know I should take advantage of educational moments, teaching and instructing etc. But I was just too freaking proud to correct her! The carrot was REALLY good! It looked like a real little carrot, until she added the L to it... And she added an "O" on top of her "L". Letter's, letters everywhere!
I love that she's trying, all on her own. I have consciously tried to avoid stressing colors, numbers or letters. This is the only time in their life they get to be little...And I've wanted it to be their genuine interest in why things are called certain colors, and the shapes of different letters. Not my pushing it on them when they aren't really developmentally ready to process it. Sure, we have refrigerator magnets, ABC, Numbers, and Shape board books that the girls love, but other than Sesame street and ocassionally reading those books together, that's been it.
I'm not a flash card kinda Mom is what I'm getting at.
Anyway it's cool to see how they learn, it just happens- amazing! And it's so cool to see that Roo is gleaning some things..She just hasn't been interested and it's exciting to see that some things are clicking!
Well the girls are asleep...So I will leave you with this thought, if L is for carrot... N is for SLEEP. It's been a long day!
 |
| Roo at 5 days old |
Friendly never had that teeny tiny feel. She was a strong little thing. She didn't lose any weight after birth, and went from 7lbs 150z at birth to 13lbs2oz at her 6 week check up. I kinda feel like I missed the teeny tiny stage with her, that "Oh my goodness how could any thing possibly be soooo small?" stage.
 |
| Friendly 1 week old! |
My girls are growing. The years are starting to race by! It kinda takes your breath away. When I think on it this is our FOURTH spring with Roo.
I blinked and I had 2 little kids!
Friendly is losing her baby ways. Ooh she still has plenty! But she's talking more, she says things like "Ummmmm" when you ask her a question. She declares "I do it!". She consideres her answers carefully, and even if what she says is unintelligible it is shared with the utmost dignity.
I love her answers of, "Welllll, oookay". She's 20 months going on 10. The other day I was redirecting her from digging in her Daddy's desk drawer and she pushed my hand away and said "No! Go away!" clear as day. And then threw a fantastic fit when I removed her anyway. She's going to be interesting!
 |
| Roo loves to swing, and is getting really good at the big kid ones! |
 | ||
| Friendly likes to practice on the "big kid" swings. |
Roo is turning into a little girl. She is a little girl. How'd that happen? I just want to suck her back into that little itty baby she was. I want to take back all that time and relive it with all the experience and tools I have now. Why do you have to be so green when you start this parenting thing? Why can't you just appreciate how fast it goes? Like REALLY appreciate the sleepless nights and the teething crank and the ...everything! Okay I still have some time to snuggle her, lots of time hopefully! But I can't believe how the past 3 years have just zipped by.
Lately, I find myself just pressing pause in my brain.
Snap take a picture of this moment...Hold it, it's going to go away too soon!
I digress.
The other week Roo drew the letter "W". It was really an "M" but she declared it a "W" and I was just too proud that she made an actual intelligible letter I didn't correct her. Also the "letter" (she informed me) on the left is a carrot "wif an 'L' at the bottowm becwause 'L' is for carrot." again, I know I should take advantage of educational moments, teaching and instructing etc. But I was just too freaking proud to correct her! The carrot was REALLY good! It looked like a real little carrot, until she added the L to it... And she added an "O" on top of her "L". Letter's, letters everywhere!
I love that she's trying, all on her own. I have consciously tried to avoid stressing colors, numbers or letters. This is the only time in their life they get to be little...And I've wanted it to be their genuine interest in why things are called certain colors, and the shapes of different letters. Not my pushing it on them when they aren't really developmentally ready to process it. Sure, we have refrigerator magnets, ABC, Numbers, and Shape board books that the girls love, but other than Sesame street and ocassionally reading those books together, that's been it.I'm not a flash card kinda Mom is what I'm getting at.
Anyway it's cool to see how they learn, it just happens- amazing! And it's so cool to see that Roo is gleaning some things..She just hasn't been interested and it's exciting to see that some things are clicking!
Well the girls are asleep...So I will leave you with this thought, if L is for carrot... N is for SLEEP. It's been a long day!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
The Well Behaved Child Part ONE
Yes, I still haven't finished my Working In the Home theme...I'll get to part 2 soon!
This is a vent post. I think.
Nothing like family to leave ya feeling incompetent and stressed out. :0D
Okay not really.
It's just the "Oh she's a good baby."mindset. (What is a good baby, really?) "Oh well if you train her right you'll have a well behaved child that will make people want to become a Christian." attitude. Oh and did you know that it's rude to let your 3 year old have a carrot stick before we've prayed??
I'll get back to it.
I've been having a random (or perhaps not so) fit of insecurity. Oh Mothering, it's not easy.
I'm a baby person, I've always been a baby person...I love them.
Growing up I just had a natural "knack" with babies. They like me, I could almost always get them to calm down in their parents absence. They liked me and I really liked them. You get it. I didn't mind getting spit up on, drooled on, chewed on. I didn't mind holding a screaming baby. There was nothing I liked more than calming an upset baby down and getting them to fall asleep in my arms. It was the best. I would hold and bounce that tired upset baby and dream of holding my own babies some day.
Then I had my own baby, and I wasn't good at it. Okay I wasn't bad at it. But there were all these hormones and instincts, the crying broke my heart. I was this little persons MOMMIE- if I couldn't make it better who could? I thought I knew babies, until I met Roo. Oh that girl gave me the run for my money. I'm so glad.
This is SO Roo...The, REALLY Mom, REALLY? look
5 weeks old
This is a vent post. I think.
Nothing like family to leave ya feeling incompetent and stressed out. :0D
Okay not really.
It's just the "Oh she's a good baby."mindset. (What is a good baby, really?) "Oh well if you train her right you'll have a well behaved child that will make people want to become a Christian." attitude. Oh and did you know that it's rude to let your 3 year old have a carrot stick before we've prayed??
I'll get back to it.
I've been having a random (or perhaps not so) fit of insecurity. Oh Mothering, it's not easy.
I'm a baby person, I've always been a baby person...I love them.
Growing up I just had a natural "knack" with babies. They like me, I could almost always get them to calm down in their parents absence. They liked me and I really liked them. You get it. I didn't mind getting spit up on, drooled on, chewed on. I didn't mind holding a screaming baby. There was nothing I liked more than calming an upset baby down and getting them to fall asleep in my arms. It was the best. I would hold and bounce that tired upset baby and dream of holding my own babies some day.
Then I had my own baby, and I wasn't good at it. Okay I wasn't bad at it. But there were all these hormones and instincts, the crying broke my heart. I was this little persons MOMMIE- if I couldn't make it better who could? I thought I knew babies, until I met Roo. Oh that girl gave me the run for my money. I'm so glad.
This is SO Roo...The, REALLY Mom, REALLY? look5 weeks old
Oh my sweet Roo girl. She's growing way too fast. She spits out sentences like, "Oh that was horrible." and " Youw're the best Mommie in the whole wide wowld." and "You weally hewt my feelings." And some times mouthfuls of words she can't wait to get out, so nothing intelligible comes out! Oh but the expression on her face is so earnest and and sweet.
I'm so thankful for the lessons she's taught me. She taught me what it was like to hold my baby, to know my baby. to be so familiar with her in my arms that it felt wrong when she wasn't there.
So to my point...I'll try.
The "good" baby thing bothers me. I took a lot of stalk in how you parented, before I had kids. I thought you did a,b, and c and you would get x,y,and z results. And to a point, that is still very true. But I though parenting babies had more of a science to it. And then I had Roo. I thought babies were easier. I thought I would be a good Mom. That I would have an orderly baby who slept, ate and pooped at regular intervals...That's what babies do, right?
I thought a good baby meant I was a good Mama.
My babies weren't "good". My babies have been inflexible at certain stages (okay, make that most stages), they aren't much for sleep. They teeth horribly and with great noise and crank (erm, GUSTO!). They hate to travel and be out of their routine and element. They make every one around them know their misery in these situations and glue themselves to Mommie like little octopi. They don't like new people (though they surprise me at times). They had an insatiable thirst for breastmilk. They aren't big on new places (unless it's outside). They don't like to seperate from Mommie (or Daddy) and protest loudly when some one even approaches with the "I'll hold that baby" gleam in their eye.
They are the epitome of a "bad" baby.
So I must be a bad Mommie, right? I did it to them. I spoiled them. I held them too much, I let them sleep near me, I nursed them too much and should have weaned them sooner (Friendly at 20mos, is still nursing several times a day and a bit at night). Doing those things didn't make my babies mellow like I felt like several parenting sources promised. It was hard!
But you know what? It wasn't about their behavior. It was about what they needed. They came out that way. A little feisty, a little bit more vocal, a bit on the strong side personality wise. They knew what they needed, and they made it known. And my instincts kicked in and I gave. Some times I found ways to meet their need by breaking rules. They didn't sleep well and they needed lots of milk and closeness to Mommie. So I brought them into my bed. I didn't wean them or hold them back, I embraced them.
I heard the analogy recently and I loved it. Imagine you are SO thirsty and you ask for a drink. You hubby brings you a drink and you guzzle it, but right when you are starting to feel the dryness leave your mouth, your hubby snatches the drink away and says, "that's enough, you don't need so much...Too much water will spoil you!" Oh how you looong for that water! You start to crave it more than any thing. It's all you can think about, it dictates every thing about you. YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE!
How would it be different if your hubby handed you the water and let you drink, and drink, and drink until you were satisfied? You'd happily fill up and be on your way. You wouldn't give water a second thought. It was there if you needed it. Some times if you had a lot going on you might need a bit more water than usual, but it was available.
The same idea is what fueled my instincts. My children needed me. They needed more. It wasn't about how it made me look as Mama. It didn't matter if it made them look like "bad" babies. I am their first expression and understanding of God, what a huge responsibility. I want them to know, I'm here...I'll always be here, my love, commitment, and time for you will never be rationed. Drink fully my baby, drink fully. And when you get your fill, at some point that will happen, you can run off and fly freely knowing I'm here for you...But most importantly, you'll be full of that love, you'll have seen giving, empathy, caring, grace, gentleness modeled day in and day out. You'll have seen the Father's heart for you... And as you grow I'll guide you to find you water in His arms as well. I'll lead you in prayer when you are hurt or sad. I'll pray over you. I'll be there for you.
Why is it about the outside? Why do we control the way we respond to be sure the outside aligns with what is deemed "good"?
I'll take "bad" (or could we say normal) baby and all the lessons that I have learned in giving, in learning to set boundaries in other areas of my life. The lessons of God's Grace and mercy for me.
Oh and now my Roo isn't a baby anymore. She's nearly 3.5 years old. Her cup is starting to overflow...Oh certainly she some times needs some watering! But the sweet giving and empathetic heart that is starting to appear is amazing to behold. She wants to please so very much, she is human. But I am very glad I choose to be bad.
Oh this post is so rough. I want to write more, I want to process more. I want to clarify more. But I'm afraid, I'm out of time. My children need me. Time to head back home. Part Two and more thoughts soon.
I'm so thankful for the lessons she's taught me. She taught me what it was like to hold my baby, to know my baby. to be so familiar with her in my arms that it felt wrong when she wasn't there.
So to my point...I'll try.
The "good" baby thing bothers me. I took a lot of stalk in how you parented, before I had kids. I thought you did a,b, and c and you would get x,y,and z results. And to a point, that is still very true. But I though parenting babies had more of a science to it. And then I had Roo. I thought babies were easier. I thought I would be a good Mom. That I would have an orderly baby who slept, ate and pooped at regular intervals...That's what babies do, right?
I thought a good baby meant I was a good Mama.
My babies weren't "good". My babies have been inflexible at certain stages (okay, make that most stages), they aren't much for sleep. They teeth horribly and with great noise and crank (erm, GUSTO!). They hate to travel and be out of their routine and element. They make every one around them know their misery in these situations and glue themselves to Mommie like little octopi. They don't like new people (though they surprise me at times). They had an insatiable thirst for breastmilk. They aren't big on new places (unless it's outside). They don't like to seperate from Mommie (or Daddy) and protest loudly when some one even approaches with the "I'll hold that baby" gleam in their eye.
They are the epitome of a "bad" baby.
So I must be a bad Mommie, right? I did it to them. I spoiled them. I held them too much, I let them sleep near me, I nursed them too much and should have weaned them sooner (Friendly at 20mos, is still nursing several times a day and a bit at night). Doing those things didn't make my babies mellow like I felt like several parenting sources promised. It was hard!
But you know what? It wasn't about their behavior. It was about what they needed. They came out that way. A little feisty, a little bit more vocal, a bit on the strong side personality wise. They knew what they needed, and they made it known. And my instincts kicked in and I gave. Some times I found ways to meet their need by breaking rules. They didn't sleep well and they needed lots of milk and closeness to Mommie. So I brought them into my bed. I didn't wean them or hold them back, I embraced them.
I heard the analogy recently and I loved it. Imagine you are SO thirsty and you ask for a drink. You hubby brings you a drink and you guzzle it, but right when you are starting to feel the dryness leave your mouth, your hubby snatches the drink away and says, "that's enough, you don't need so much...Too much water will spoil you!" Oh how you looong for that water! You start to crave it more than any thing. It's all you can think about, it dictates every thing about you. YOU HAVE TO HAVE MORE!
How would it be different if your hubby handed you the water and let you drink, and drink, and drink until you were satisfied? You'd happily fill up and be on your way. You wouldn't give water a second thought. It was there if you needed it. Some times if you had a lot going on you might need a bit more water than usual, but it was available.
The same idea is what fueled my instincts. My children needed me. They needed more. It wasn't about how it made me look as Mama. It didn't matter if it made them look like "bad" babies. I am their first expression and understanding of God, what a huge responsibility. I want them to know, I'm here...I'll always be here, my love, commitment, and time for you will never be rationed. Drink fully my baby, drink fully. And when you get your fill, at some point that will happen, you can run off and fly freely knowing I'm here for you...But most importantly, you'll be full of that love, you'll have seen giving, empathy, caring, grace, gentleness modeled day in and day out. You'll have seen the Father's heart for you... And as you grow I'll guide you to find you water in His arms as well. I'll lead you in prayer when you are hurt or sad. I'll pray over you. I'll be there for you.
Why is it about the outside? Why do we control the way we respond to be sure the outside aligns with what is deemed "good"?
I'll take "bad" (or could we say normal) baby and all the lessons that I have learned in giving, in learning to set boundaries in other areas of my life. The lessons of God's Grace and mercy for me.
Oh and now my Roo isn't a baby anymore. She's nearly 3.5 years old. Her cup is starting to overflow...Oh certainly she some times needs some watering! But the sweet giving and empathetic heart that is starting to appear is amazing to behold. She wants to please so very much, she is human. But I am very glad I choose to be bad.
Oh this post is so rough. I want to write more, I want to process more. I want to clarify more. But I'm afraid, I'm out of time. My children need me. Time to head back home. Part Two and more thoughts soon.
Funny How It Hits You...But not really.
At this moment, I'm curled up in a corner window seat at my local Panera Bread. I'm sitting next to a window and the rain is pouring down outside. As I waited for my computer to connect to the network I listened to the couple next to me prattle away in Spanish. It reminds me of my time in Spain... Sitting in a cafe with friends, quickly using their lap top for a few minutes so I could write home. Or at an internet cafe/laundromat in Roma (Italy, obviously) listening to people go on in several different languages.
Nostalgia.
Erhem, back to your regularly scheduled blog post.
I'm feeling especially... relaxed? tired? done? sad? relieved? quiet? I'm not sure. I've started and erased this so many times. I'm "still" grieving. It really surprises me how hard. And how it will randomly it will hit me.
*deep breath* not crying in Panera Bread, seriously.
I would have been 12 weeks today.
That's all.
I miss you baby, I hope you're having fun with your Papa G.
Okay crying in Panera Bread a little bit.
Just a little.
To my next post...the "well behaved child".
Nostalgia.
Erhem, back to your regularly scheduled blog post.
I'm feeling especially... relaxed? tired? done? sad? relieved? quiet? I'm not sure. I've started and erased this so many times. I'm "still" grieving. It really surprises me how hard. And how it will randomly it will hit me.
*deep breath* not crying in Panera Bread, seriously.
I would have been 12 weeks today.
That's all.
I miss you baby, I hope you're having fun with your Papa G.
Okay crying in Panera Bread a little bit.
Just a little.
To my next post...the "well behaved child".
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Working In the Home...PART ONE
I work in the home. Nothing offends me more than to hear "Oh so you just stay home?"
Insert incredulous look here. I won't go on about how much work "this job" is. I've vented before, and any one who has spent a week caring for young children knows, it's can be a soul sucking and exhausting undertaking.
And honestly, I don't have time tonight. I've been in a funk all evening and "escaping" from my family (on the computer) and I need to plug back in and get the girls in bed and spend some time with the hubbers.
To quickly get to my point, I was reading this post on another blog earlier and this was my response:
The commenter who said this, "You might be fine trusting god but I'm not."
For me, it's definitely not as simple as this. It's not a matter of just trusting God to be our "safety net". I firmly believe that some seasons of life, that is what He calls us to. But I also know He lays out in scripture principles for being good stewards of our money. We're not called to horde money, or promised that we'll always live in prosperity or comfort. But we do our family and our testimony a disservice when we just live by the skin of our teeth. Especially if we're setting up our lives in such a way that that is how it's going to be, scraping by for the rest of our life. Savings is important (in fact it's KEY). Living with in your means is important. Having a legitimate budget that is prepared to handle an accident, a lapse in income with out breaking the bank and setting your family back is important.
For some families setting up life in such a way (to have a buffer/safety net) that means Mom has to work for a while. Unfortunately it's not just black and white. It's not just a choice. Life happens. Dynamics, backgrounds, incomes, schooling, what age they got married, when children came into the picture (expected or unexpected): it all plays a heavy hand in what a family can legitimately swing. STUFF HAPPENS. And you do what you can with what is on your plate.
That said, I do work in the home, domestic engineer. I am home all day with my 2 small children. We do live in a smaller apartment (and we lived with family for 3 years because it was THAT important to us that I stay home). My husband goes to Bible school online and works over-time on the weekends. We do have debt due to some unfortunate circumstances and just foolish planning on our part. We do make sacrifices, cook from scratch and do with out/ think outside of the box. I HAVE worked several months outside the home with small children, but we did it so that my husband was home in my place. Was it ideal? Not for us. Was it hard? You bet. But we were convicted that extra income was especially important for us to have some savings so that we could really pay down our debt, and keep it at bay.
You asked, "What am I missing? What is work offering moms that I don't understand?"
I just don't think it's as simple as that. I don't think it's always about being fulfilled outside the home, or not being willing to tighten the proverbial belt. Some times it is, but that should be respected and accepted. We should walk the path we've been called to walk and keep our eyes there. I completely agree with your feelings, I feel very similarly. But judgment (which I know you weren't trying to come across that way)is unproductive and just causes unnecessary strife.
If I could add, I would say. Why are we worrying about this? Why are the "SAHM" judging the ones who work? Why are we more righteous? On the flipside, and I rail against this a lot, I don't think Mom's who stay home (be it by choice or the fact that the family can't afford childcare for her to work!) get nearly enough respect in our culture. Not an iota of the respect that this profession should get! And some times, I think that's why we boost ourselves up a little with the "well it's what God tells us to do" (I don't think God is as black and white and simple as that, sorry). and the "Well, I really care about being the one to teach my children every thing."
Do I believe children benefit from having a parent at home at all times? Absolutely, Yes. But that's the ideal. And as we all know- we don't live in an ideal world. Raising children, unfortunately can't always be weighed by what's "best" (I wish it could!). It's about what is really workable and legitimately going to keep balance in the family. Can belts be cinched? Can long-term goals be pushed back. Many times they can. Some times it's just not worth it, for that season.
Can we re-evaluate what is really necessary to raise children?I think it's important for every parent to do so. They don't have to do any thing with it, but it's good to get a reality check now and then.
So here it is, our kids don't need all the fancy toys, video games, they don't need to ride in a new minivan (or SUV what's that Toyota Highlander commercial- oh that one drives me nuts!). Kids won't remember that they couldn't take the special expensive classes. Or that they were fed cool looking pre-packaged (or for that matter from-scratch organic etc) food. They don't need much more than lots of hugs, some firm boundaries and gentle guidance. Some comfortable clothing to cover their body, and lots of fresh air and time outside.
What will they remember? That you met their eyes when they asked you a question and you were overwhelmed and busy. You stopped and listened. How you rubbed their backs when they were sick. How you stopped what you were doing to play with them. That you took them on adventures and enjoyed them. That you were there when they couldn't sleep and needed comfort. That you had silly special jokes with just them. That you tried really hard, and you admitted when you were wrong. That you were more worried about how they felt or where they were at, than how it made you look. That you apologized when you handled things badly. That you were there, when you were there, as much as you could be.
We can judge (secretly I hope!) that some might need to think outside the box, that some "could stay home if they wanted to" . We can judge their kids (outside behavior) and how, "off they must be because their mom doesn't stay at home". But I think that's just sad. What we need to do is find ways to support families to spend as much healthy time together as possible. To find balance for their unique situation. Yes, to think outside the box. Being frugal isn't bad. Cinching the belt, pinching pennies (whether we need to or not), can't hurt to model good habits of frugality and simple living for our children. But we're wasting our energy asking selfish questions (even if we don't mean them that way) about what other parents choices. Let's focus on where we're at, and what we need to do to make our experience the best it can be.
All that said...And like I said, I have to run.
More in part two!
Insert incredulous look here. I won't go on about how much work "this job" is. I've vented before, and any one who has spent a week caring for young children knows, it's can be a soul sucking and exhausting undertaking.
And honestly, I don't have time tonight. I've been in a funk all evening and "escaping" from my family (on the computer) and I need to plug back in and get the girls in bed and spend some time with the hubbers.
To quickly get to my point, I was reading this post on another blog earlier and this was my response:
The commenter who said this, "You might be fine trusting god but I'm not."
For me, it's definitely not as simple as this. It's not a matter of just trusting God to be our "safety net". I firmly believe that some seasons of life, that is what He calls us to. But I also know He lays out in scripture principles for being good stewards of our money. We're not called to horde money, or promised that we'll always live in prosperity or comfort. But we do our family and our testimony a disservice when we just live by the skin of our teeth. Especially if we're setting up our lives in such a way that that is how it's going to be, scraping by for the rest of our life. Savings is important (in fact it's KEY). Living with in your means is important. Having a legitimate budget that is prepared to handle an accident, a lapse in income with out breaking the bank and setting your family back is important.
For some families setting up life in such a way (to have a buffer/safety net) that means Mom has to work for a while. Unfortunately it's not just black and white. It's not just a choice. Life happens. Dynamics, backgrounds, incomes, schooling, what age they got married, when children came into the picture (expected or unexpected): it all plays a heavy hand in what a family can legitimately swing. STUFF HAPPENS. And you do what you can with what is on your plate.
That said, I do work in the home, domestic engineer. I am home all day with my 2 small children. We do live in a smaller apartment (and we lived with family for 3 years because it was THAT important to us that I stay home). My husband goes to Bible school online and works over-time on the weekends. We do have debt due to some unfortunate circumstances and just foolish planning on our part. We do make sacrifices, cook from scratch and do with out/ think outside of the box. I HAVE worked several months outside the home with small children, but we did it so that my husband was home in my place. Was it ideal? Not for us. Was it hard? You bet. But we were convicted that extra income was especially important for us to have some savings so that we could really pay down our debt, and keep it at bay.
You asked, "What am I missing? What is work offering moms that I don't understand?"
I just don't think it's as simple as that. I don't think it's always about being fulfilled outside the home, or not being willing to tighten the proverbial belt. Some times it is, but that should be respected and accepted. We should walk the path we've been called to walk and keep our eyes there. I completely agree with your feelings, I feel very similarly. But judgment (which I know you weren't trying to come across that way)is unproductive and just causes unnecessary strife.
If I could add, I would say. Why are we worrying about this? Why are the "SAHM" judging the ones who work? Why are we more righteous? On the flipside, and I rail against this a lot, I don't think Mom's who stay home (be it by choice or the fact that the family can't afford childcare for her to work!) get nearly enough respect in our culture. Not an iota of the respect that this profession should get! And some times, I think that's why we boost ourselves up a little with the "well it's what God tells us to do" (I don't think God is as black and white and simple as that, sorry). and the "Well, I really care about being the one to teach my children every thing."
Do I believe children benefit from having a parent at home at all times? Absolutely, Yes. But that's the ideal. And as we all know- we don't live in an ideal world. Raising children, unfortunately can't always be weighed by what's "best" (I wish it could!). It's about what is really workable and legitimately going to keep balance in the family. Can belts be cinched? Can long-term goals be pushed back. Many times they can. Some times it's just not worth it, for that season.
Can we re-evaluate what is really necessary to raise children?I think it's important for every parent to do so. They don't have to do any thing with it, but it's good to get a reality check now and then.
So here it is, our kids don't need all the fancy toys, video games, they don't need to ride in a new minivan (or SUV what's that Toyota Highlander commercial- oh that one drives me nuts!). Kids won't remember that they couldn't take the special expensive classes. Or that they were fed cool looking pre-packaged (or for that matter from-scratch organic etc) food. They don't need much more than lots of hugs, some firm boundaries and gentle guidance. Some comfortable clothing to cover their body, and lots of fresh air and time outside.
What will they remember? That you met their eyes when they asked you a question and you were overwhelmed and busy. You stopped and listened. How you rubbed their backs when they were sick. How you stopped what you were doing to play with them. That you took them on adventures and enjoyed them. That you were there when they couldn't sleep and needed comfort. That you had silly special jokes with just them. That you tried really hard, and you admitted when you were wrong. That you were more worried about how they felt or where they were at, than how it made you look. That you apologized when you handled things badly. That you were there, when you were there, as much as you could be.
We can judge (secretly I hope!) that some might need to think outside the box, that some "could stay home if they wanted to" . We can judge their kids (outside behavior) and how, "off they must be because their mom doesn't stay at home". But I think that's just sad. What we need to do is find ways to support families to spend as much healthy time together as possible. To find balance for their unique situation. Yes, to think outside the box. Being frugal isn't bad. Cinching the belt, pinching pennies (whether we need to or not), can't hurt to model good habits of frugality and simple living for our children. But we're wasting our energy asking selfish questions (even if we don't mean them that way) about what other parents choices. Let's focus on where we're at, and what we need to do to make our experience the best it can be.
All that said...And like I said, I have to run.
More in part two!
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