Friday, January 15, 2010


So I'm struggling with some decisions.

The women's group at our church has a winter Bible Study every year. Last year we met every Saturday for 11 weeks. I went every week on top of working evenings and weekends, being pregnant and having/nursing a 1 year old. That winter/spring session nearly killed me.

My pastors wife just called me make sure I knew about the study and wanted to know if she should get a book for me. I don't want them to feel alienated. I haven't been making it to church as much as I'd like since dd2 was born. Sunday morning comes and any opportunity to be home with just one child is such a relief and sanity saver. It's I guess not a very spiritual sanity saver. But it's been getting me through. RJ is just some thing else and a relief from the constant talking, needing, every thing ing means so much right now. The last thing I want to do is go to church and pace the entire time with a fussy baby who is missing her morning nap and won't nurse because she's too curious about being in a new place.

I didn't know what to tell M. :0( I mean essentially I told her I couldn't commit to coming to the meetings. But it's more than that. We simply don't have an extra $20 at the moment for the Study. I know that's pathetic but money is so tight right now. I do get $20 spending money every week, but that goes to things we need . This weeks money went towards Gatorade, crackers and disposable diapers so I could have a chance to recoup from this awful stomach flu. I don't feel like spending it on a study guide for a study I don't think I'll get to go to. :0( And even if I DID get to go I'd have to take AJ- she's still nursing every 2 hours or so- I mean she can go 3 or 4 hours but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her for that long.

But more than that Ryan is getting more and more requests for his LBCCS seminars - we're looking at 2 a month at this point and that will be an extra strain on me because he'll be gone late into the night when he has those seminars. Which means no downtime for me on those days.

This is such a short season of my life, I am learning and growing so much in so many ways- ways that might not be very "spiritual" but I can't say how much God is working on me and drawing me to Him right now. It isn't in the "lets sit down and study the bible" kind of way.

Growth doesn't just happen one way right? I mean as long as we're staying open to the Holy Spirit and ...Well I just feel like ...I don't know I feel fake for doing the "read your bible pray every day" going through the motions. I AM trying to stay in the word, but right now "staying in the word" means watching a sermon on DVR while I nurse AJ or rebound or reading a Psalms in a short quiet time. or just saying a memory verse over and over and over again while taking deep breaths so I don't kill some one. (just saying)

Last years Bible study was really good, I'm glad I did it, kinds. But I've also learned my limits and my family needs me right now. I just don't want the ladies at church to feel alienated. Need to think on this some more. :0(

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