This is an awesome article on Praising Kids...It's not some thing I ever really considered before.
5 Reasons You Should Stop Saying "Good Job"
Definitely some thing worth reading.
mommiejoy
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Barbies, Gifts and Balance
This isn't the post I intended to write about...I was thinking about being PC when it comes to how our culture...Well I'll get to that later.
Yesterday on GCM we were discussing Barbies/Bratz etc...Do you buy them for your daughters: why/why not?
I had never thought about it really. But the more I did the more I realized. I don't want my girls playing with Barbies. There are several reasons for this.
1) I didn't play with Barbies as a child. And when I did at my friends houses I was bored out of my mind. Spending hours digging through the masses of junky little accessories to get them all dressed up, get their hair untangled and send them on a "date" (or whatever my little friends decided was the fantasy of the day) was BOOOOORING.
2) More importantly *I* feel they are junky toys that CAN impede full expression of creativity.
3) I don't like how they dress- and that Barbie is specifically a WOMAN and tends to dress like a slut. Just sayin.
Here's what I shared on the board (well I shortened and edited a bit).
My sister and I were not-not "allowed" to play with Barbies. But my parent never bought them for us.
We had American Girl Dolls to dress up. On our 8th (or 9th?) Birthday we got our first American Girl Doll. It was stressed how expensive these dolls were and we were to take extremely good care of them- they were a huge privilege.
My Mom sewed so she would duplicate the outfits for us (and taught us how to sew and often let us help her with these projects.) and every year we'd get to pick a "accessories" package we wanted from the catalog.
American Girl dolls were more realistic, they were girls, and there were so many styles of clothing you could put them in- I had modern clothing, historical clothing, all different decades of things we could play with them. I remember a long stretch where my doll was Laura from Little House on the Prairie .
I plan on getting the "looks like you" basic dolls (and a felicity for me...I've always wanted felicity) for my girls when they are old enough to take really good care of them. I can't wait for them to be big enough to play American Girls with. (I'd still pull mine out if I had time- and it wasn't eccentric to do so ;0)
Now onto body image which was mentioned on the thread...
It's not so much that I'm worried about body image. Though I think Barbie and Bratz definitely send the wrong message. More than that I just think there are better options out there. I would rather the playing options be more open to original or historical play than stuck in, "I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world". I played Barbies with friends growing up and I personally found it really boring dressing and undressing them to go to parties or on dates (that's how my friends played).
I had a doll house my Mom made (to look like the Magic Cabin Dolls) and I preferred playing after books I'd read- making boats out of paper and moving the family onto the raft- making my own extensions for the house out of shoe boxes. I couldn't dress or undress the dolls (they were hand made out of wire and cloth and wooden dowel ends) But I spent more time at that wooden doll house making up adventures and living out life in my imagination and having more fun than any thing. I could only stomach an hour or so of barbies with friends (and I loved playing with my friends I just preferred house to barbies).
I have that dollhouse for the girls and I plan on dusting it off when RJ's 4 and making her some new dolls (the originals are barely hanging together- I think I did surgery with tissues and paper towels to keep them together).
I went on to share that I think those Bratz/Barbies plasticky things can limit play- I mean there are only so many kinds of outfits for them mostly mainstream "going to school, party and night out" whatever.
The house my Mom made me was a rectangular wooden house with 4 rooms and a few beds- little pillow-like "mattresses", a couch and I made the rest of the furniture out of wooden blocks, random odds and ends I'd find around the house and paper...It was so much fun- The Borrowers was a favorite game of mine. To "dress up" my dolls I would take scraps from the my Mom's sewing "room" I especially loved when she was working on a wedding dress- I'd rig up wedding dresses and have a whole lot of fun.
Some other Mom's pointed out the difference in personalities. That is true, my daughters may not enjoy the kind of play I did...And just because they prefer one kind of toy over another- that doesn't make their play any less important. I want to give them options but I want those options to be GOOD options.
Children process and experience life through play... When some thing traumatic happens (getting a shot at the doctors for example- often they'll play doctor over and over again want to give their parents a shot to process the pain and scary event) they play it out to work it out. When they want to try some thing they wouldn't be allowed to do they use their dolls to play it out and process and understand new concepts about what's appropriate, boundaries- what breaking the "rules" feels like etc. (Read Playful Parenting on this- eye opening look at play, how parents can use it to help their kids...It's an awesome read!)
So circling around *I* still don't want my girls to play with Barbies. I do not want them in the house. I don't want cheap plasticky chokable toys with matted hair and slutty outfits here.
I do however want there to be options, for them to have choices in the kinds of play they have available. If they prefer small dolls to dress up (over American Girl or my wooden doll house) Then this might be a good option The Only Hearts Club dolls- the are a pretty awesome new doll! I like these, they are still small chockable pieces and I'm sure the hair would get matted (though our girls will be expected to take care of their toys- but dolls age). But they look like real girls and they don't dress like little hookers (ie bratz). And apparently the books that the dolls are based on talk about moral issues and about listening to your heart when making tough decisions- doing the right thing. Much better role models than Bratz (which gotta say again, not a fan- the name itself is enough to make me shake my head).
All this made me think about gifts in the coming years, and as much as we love and appreciate people wanting to show our girls how much they love them. I need to say now right off the bat as I'm looking at the big 3rd birthday this year (when choking hazards are lifted ;0). That if we receive any toys that we feel are inappropriate, there is a good chance that some one from Good Will will be playing with them, not the kids in our home. I hope that's not harsh but some thing to keep in mind.
We'd like to avoid any thing plasticky (with gazillion pieces that will be lost with in a week or will have to be played with under close supervision because of babies in the house). No "my little pets", Disney princesses, Barbies, Bratz, My Little Ponies if you HAVE to buy some thing girly The Only Hearts Club (carried at Target I believe) miiight be okay.
But more importantly we LOVE toys that spur on the imagination. Basic toys or things that aren't necessarily toys! Even things that you might have sitting around the house. Some rope for making double dutch jump ropes, old fabric or hats you have sitting around for dress up. Wooden toys, board games, car games, cars, building toys...Yes we have girls. But Riley is an engineer at heart- we think she'll will LOVE playing knechts with her Daddy. And we'll never have too many books- we LOVE books!
Also shopping at Good Will for old silk scarves (for dress up!), checking out the fabric stores remnant area for silky or fun fabrics ...Just some ideas.
I hope this doesn't come across rude...But I know when *I* buy a gift I want it to be some thing that the person will enjoy and think of me when they use it. We've been given some wonderful gifts the last couple of years, and we appreciate and feel blessed by every gift we receive...BUT as we get into the ages where the more "iffy" gifts might start appearing I wanted to share my thoughts and make sure we were all on the same page. Maps are helpful- we all love knowing where we're going- consider this post a helpful little map.
Yesterday on GCM we were discussing Barbies/Bratz etc...Do you buy them for your daughters: why/why not?
I had never thought about it really. But the more I did the more I realized. I don't want my girls playing with Barbies. There are several reasons for this.
1) I didn't play with Barbies as a child. And when I did at my friends houses I was bored out of my mind. Spending hours digging through the masses of junky little accessories to get them all dressed up, get their hair untangled and send them on a "date" (or whatever my little friends decided was the fantasy of the day) was BOOOOORING.
2) More importantly *I* feel they are junky toys that CAN impede full expression of creativity.
3) I don't like how they dress- and that Barbie is specifically a WOMAN and tends to dress like a slut. Just sayin.
Here's what I shared on the board (well I shortened and edited a bit).
My sister and I were not-not "allowed" to play with Barbies. But my parent never bought them for us.
We had American Girl Dolls to dress up. On our 8th (or 9th?) Birthday we got our first American Girl Doll. It was stressed how expensive these dolls were and we were to take extremely good care of them- they were a huge privilege.
My Mom sewed so she would duplicate the outfits for us (and taught us how to sew and often let us help her with these projects.) and every year we'd get to pick a "accessories" package we wanted from the catalog.
American Girl dolls were more realistic, they were girls, and there were so many styles of clothing you could put them in- I had modern clothing, historical clothing, all different decades of things we could play with them. I remember a long stretch where my doll was Laura from Little House on the Prairie .
I plan on getting the "looks like you" basic dolls (and a felicity for me...I've always wanted felicity) for my girls when they are old enough to take really good care of them. I can't wait for them to be big enough to play American Girls with. (I'd still pull mine out if I had time- and it wasn't eccentric to do so ;0)
Now onto body image which was mentioned on the thread...
It's not so much that I'm worried about body image. Though I think Barbie and Bratz definitely send the wrong message. More than that I just think there are better options out there. I would rather the playing options be more open to original or historical play than stuck in, "I'm a barbie girl in a barbie world". I played Barbies with friends growing up and I personally found it really boring dressing and undressing them to go to parties or on dates (that's how my friends played).
I had a doll house my Mom made (to look like the Magic Cabin Dolls) and I preferred playing after books I'd read- making boats out of paper and moving the family onto the raft- making my own extensions for the house out of shoe boxes. I couldn't dress or undress the dolls (they were hand made out of wire and cloth and wooden dowel ends) But I spent more time at that wooden doll house making up adventures and living out life in my imagination and having more fun than any thing. I could only stomach an hour or so of barbies with friends (and I loved playing with my friends I just preferred house to barbies).
I have that dollhouse for the girls and I plan on dusting it off when RJ's 4 and making her some new dolls (the originals are barely hanging together- I think I did surgery with tissues and paper towels to keep them together).
I went on to share that I think those Bratz/Barbies plasticky things can limit play- I mean there are only so many kinds of outfits for them mostly mainstream "going to school, party and night out" whatever.
The house my Mom made me was a rectangular wooden house with 4 rooms and a few beds- little pillow-like "mattresses", a couch and I made the rest of the furniture out of wooden blocks, random odds and ends I'd find around the house and paper...It was so much fun- The Borrowers was a favorite game of mine. To "dress up" my dolls I would take scraps from the my Mom's sewing "room" I especially loved when she was working on a wedding dress- I'd rig up wedding dresses and have a whole lot of fun.
Some other Mom's pointed out the difference in personalities. That is true, my daughters may not enjoy the kind of play I did...And just because they prefer one kind of toy over another- that doesn't make their play any less important. I want to give them options but I want those options to be GOOD options.
Children process and experience life through play... When some thing traumatic happens (getting a shot at the doctors for example- often they'll play doctor over and over again want to give their parents a shot to process the pain and scary event) they play it out to work it out. When they want to try some thing they wouldn't be allowed to do they use their dolls to play it out and process and understand new concepts about what's appropriate, boundaries- what breaking the "rules" feels like etc. (Read Playful Parenting on this- eye opening look at play, how parents can use it to help their kids...It's an awesome read!)
So circling around *I* still don't want my girls to play with Barbies. I do not want them in the house. I don't want cheap plasticky chokable toys with matted hair and slutty outfits here.
I do however want there to be options, for them to have choices in the kinds of play they have available. If they prefer small dolls to dress up (over American Girl or my wooden doll house) Then this might be a good option The Only Hearts Club dolls- the are a pretty awesome new doll! I like these, they are still small chockable pieces and I'm sure the hair would get matted (though our girls will be expected to take care of their toys- but dolls age). But they look like real girls and they don't dress like little hookers (ie bratz). And apparently the books that the dolls are based on talk about moral issues and about listening to your heart when making tough decisions- doing the right thing. Much better role models than Bratz (which gotta say again, not a fan- the name itself is enough to make me shake my head).
All this made me think about gifts in the coming years, and as much as we love and appreciate people wanting to show our girls how much they love them. I need to say now right off the bat as I'm looking at the big 3rd birthday this year (when choking hazards are lifted ;0). That if we receive any toys that we feel are inappropriate, there is a good chance that some one from Good Will will be playing with them, not the kids in our home. I hope that's not harsh but some thing to keep in mind.
We'd like to avoid any thing plasticky (with gazillion pieces that will be lost with in a week or will have to be played with under close supervision because of babies in the house). No "my little pets", Disney princesses, Barbies, Bratz, My Little Ponies if you HAVE to buy some thing girly The Only Hearts Club (carried at Target I believe) miiight be okay.
But more importantly we LOVE toys that spur on the imagination. Basic toys or things that aren't necessarily toys! Even things that you might have sitting around the house. Some rope for making double dutch jump ropes, old fabric or hats you have sitting around for dress up. Wooden toys, board games, car games, cars, building toys...Yes we have girls. But Riley is an engineer at heart- we think she'll will LOVE playing knechts with her Daddy. And we'll never have too many books- we LOVE books!
Also shopping at Good Will for old silk scarves (for dress up!), checking out the fabric stores remnant area for silky or fun fabrics ...Just some ideas.
I hope this doesn't come across rude...But I know when *I* buy a gift I want it to be some thing that the person will enjoy and think of me when they use it. We've been given some wonderful gifts the last couple of years, and we appreciate and feel blessed by every gift we receive...BUT as we get into the ages where the more "iffy" gifts might start appearing I wanted to share my thoughts and make sure we were all on the same page. Maps are helpful- we all love knowing where we're going- consider this post a helpful little map.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thoughts
Amity has a cold- last night she woke up at 1am with a fever and crying and crying, she wouldn't nurse (couldn't! Her nose was too stuffy) and just so sad. I had to sucker out her nose. I just about cried myself. I dont' remember Riley crying like that, in terror and absolute heartbreak that Mommy would do some thing so awful when she wasn't feeling well. It nearly broke my heart.
It's so much easier to sucker out the nose of an angry and annoyed baby (though still hard and no fun!). Than the nose of one that looks at you with such shock.
I've been trying to put my finger on some things. You know, I'm tired. We've it's been a rough few months. Some weeks Ryan and I wonder how we're going to survive. And I don't really think I'm being melodramatic. Taking care of meeting the physical and emotional needs of two little people is absolutely exhausting. Add that on top of extended family stress, making all the needs and necessities squeeze into our budget, sickness, and you've got a little too much happening. A very stretching time for both of us.
I guess my thoughts have to do with "attachment parenting". It was such a focus for me with RJ, growing a strong attachment with her- am I meeting her needs well? Is she attached? Lots of questioning and figuring it all out. Nothing wrong with that! She was my one and only and my world for a full 10months. She was IT. Then I got pregnant with Amity and my heart and mind slowly started making room for another. That process was a whole different line of thought and discussion.
Since Amity arrived- it's like what do terms really matter? What's best for my children? What WORKS for us? What brings us balance? HOW DO WE SURVIVE THIS YEAR? I don't ask "is she attached? is this normal? Am I doing this right?" like I did with Riley. I don't know if that's "normal" first-time Mom questions but it was where I was at.
This time I realize, she is attached. She came out of me- in her mind she's still part of me, of COURSE she's attached! What is normal? And as for doing this right: nope probably not some of the time but I'm doing my best and that's what's important.
I also have a huge perspective of sleep. Whenever I think of Riley's first year I think of the glaring sleep deprivation. Now, I had a lot of physical things I was recovering from in Riley's first year- major abdominal surgery, plus health complications: liver enzyme levels over 1000 (normal is between 7 and 40) and all that gall baldder craziness PLUS the flu, PLUS breastfeeding (which was very hard to get established), PLUS adjusting to motherhood and trying to mother a high needs baby...All while trying to recover from the above and deal with the aftermath of the c/s. Well it's a lot, there is no wonder I was a zombie there for a while.
But also the frustion of never sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours at night, ever. I think around 2 months (when we were in the hospital- so it was probably the drugs I was on!) she started sleeping longer stretches. Then it was back to every 45min-2hours all night every night. Now that is hard for any mother. It's hard right now, as Amity is doing the same thing. BUT this time I have this perspective: I expect it. I expect sleep to be rough at this age- if you take into account every thing they are learning they go from being little 7-9lb helpless, flailing, adorable bundles to being able to WALK and say WORDS in ONE SHORT YEAR (well some times they walk and talk a little later but STILL)!!!! Why in the world would I expect anything less than short sleep spans!
This perspective has helped my sanity so very much of late. This too shall pass. I don't expect to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time (longer than 45 minutes WOULD be very nice but that's okay it's only for a time)... All too soon she'll be grown, she'll wean, she'll be running around telling me stories and destroying every thing she can get her hands on (or at least pulling every thing that I carefully placed on some thing DOWN and leaving it around the room).
This too shall pass really is true.
I am thankful that my first few months with Amity were very restful, no catastrophes, no huge illnesses 2-4 (some times 6-7!) hours of sleep was wonderful...And now we dive into the marathon of milestones! She'll be walking before I know it, right?
It's so much easier to sucker out the nose of an angry and annoyed baby (though still hard and no fun!). Than the nose of one that looks at you with such shock.
I've been trying to put my finger on some things. You know, I'm tired. We've it's been a rough few months. Some weeks Ryan and I wonder how we're going to survive. And I don't really think I'm being melodramatic. Taking care of meeting the physical and emotional needs of two little people is absolutely exhausting. Add that on top of extended family stress, making all the needs and necessities squeeze into our budget, sickness, and you've got a little too much happening. A very stretching time for both of us.
I guess my thoughts have to do with "attachment parenting". It was such a focus for me with RJ, growing a strong attachment with her- am I meeting her needs well? Is she attached? Lots of questioning and figuring it all out. Nothing wrong with that! She was my one and only and my world for a full 10months. She was IT. Then I got pregnant with Amity and my heart and mind slowly started making room for another. That process was a whole different line of thought and discussion.
Since Amity arrived- it's like what do terms really matter? What's best for my children? What WORKS for us? What brings us balance? HOW DO WE SURVIVE THIS YEAR? I don't ask "is she attached? is this normal? Am I doing this right?" like I did with Riley. I don't know if that's "normal" first-time Mom questions but it was where I was at.
This time I realize, she is attached. She came out of me- in her mind she's still part of me, of COURSE she's attached! What is normal? And as for doing this right: nope probably not some of the time but I'm doing my best and that's what's important.
I also have a huge perspective of sleep. Whenever I think of Riley's first year I think of the glaring sleep deprivation. Now, I had a lot of physical things I was recovering from in Riley's first year- major abdominal surgery, plus health complications: liver enzyme levels over 1000 (normal is between 7 and 40) and all that gall baldder craziness PLUS the flu, PLUS breastfeeding (which was very hard to get established), PLUS adjusting to motherhood and trying to mother a high needs baby...All while trying to recover from the above and deal with the aftermath of the c/s. Well it's a lot, there is no wonder I was a zombie there for a while.
But also the frustion of never sleeping more than 2 or 3 hours at night, ever. I think around 2 months (when we were in the hospital- so it was probably the drugs I was on!) she started sleeping longer stretches. Then it was back to every 45min-2hours all night every night. Now that is hard for any mother. It's hard right now, as Amity is doing the same thing. BUT this time I have this perspective: I expect it. I expect sleep to be rough at this age- if you take into account every thing they are learning they go from being little 7-9lb helpless, flailing, adorable bundles to being able to WALK and say WORDS in ONE SHORT YEAR (well some times they walk and talk a little later but STILL)!!!! Why in the world would I expect anything less than short sleep spans!
This perspective has helped my sanity so very much of late. This too shall pass. I don't expect to sleep longer than 2 hours at a time (longer than 45 minutes WOULD be very nice but that's okay it's only for a time)... All too soon she'll be grown, she'll wean, she'll be running around telling me stories and destroying every thing she can get her hands on (or at least pulling every thing that I carefully placed on some thing DOWN and leaving it around the room).
This too shall pass really is true.
I am thankful that my first few months with Amity were very restful, no catastrophes, no huge illnesses 2-4 (some times 6-7!) hours of sleep was wonderful...And now we dive into the marathon of milestones! She'll be walking before I know it, right?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Priorities
So I'm struggling with some decisions.
The women's group at our church has a winter Bible Study every year. Last year we met every Saturday for 11 weeks. I went every week on top of working evenings and weekends, being pregnant and having/nursing a 1 year old. That winter/spring session nearly killed me.
My pastors wife just called me make sure I knew about the study and wanted to know if she should get a book for me. I don't want them to feel alienated. I haven't been making it to church as much as I'd like since dd2 was born. Sunday morning comes and any opportunity to be home with just one child is such a relief and sanity saver. It's I guess not a very spiritual sanity saver. But it's been getting me through. RJ is just some thing else and a relief from the constant talking, needing, every thing ing means so much right now. The last thing I want to do is go to church and pace the entire time with a fussy baby who is missing her morning nap and won't nurse because she's too curious about being in a new place.
I didn't know what to tell M. :0( I mean essentially I told her I couldn't commit to coming to the meetings. But it's more than that. We simply don't have an extra $20 at the moment for the Study. I know that's pathetic but money is so tight right now. I do get $20 spending money every week, but that goes to things we need . This weeks money went towards Gatorade, crackers and disposable diapers so I could have a chance to recoup from this awful stomach flu. I don't feel like spending it on a study guide for a study I don't think I'll get to go to. :0( And even if I DID get to go I'd have to take AJ- she's still nursing every 2 hours or so- I mean she can go 3 or 4 hours but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her for that long.
But more than that Ryan is getting more and more requests for his LBCCS seminars - we're looking at 2 a month at this point and that will be an extra strain on me because he'll be gone late into the night when he has those seminars. Which means no downtime for me on those days.
This is such a short season of my life, I am learning and growing so much in so many ways- ways that might not be very "spiritual" but I can't say how much God is working on me and drawing me to Him right now. It isn't in the "lets sit down and study the bible" kind of way.
Growth doesn't just happen one way right? I mean as long as we're staying open to the Holy Spirit and ...Well I just feel like ...I don't know I feel fake for doing the "read your bible pray every day" going through the motions. I AM trying to stay in the word, but right now "staying in the word" means watching a sermon on DVR while I nurse AJ or rebound or reading a Psalms in a short quiet time. or just saying a memory verse over and over and over again while taking deep breaths so I don't kill some one. (just saying)
Last years Bible study was really good, I'm glad I did it, kinds. But I've also learned my limits and my family needs me right now. I just don't want the ladies at church to feel alienated. Need to think on this some more. :0(
The women's group at our church has a winter Bible Study every year. Last year we met every Saturday for 11 weeks. I went every week on top of working evenings and weekends, being pregnant and having/nursing a 1 year old. That winter/spring session nearly killed me.
My pastors wife just called me make sure I knew about the study and wanted to know if she should get a book for me. I don't want them to feel alienated. I haven't been making it to church as much as I'd like since dd2 was born. Sunday morning comes and any opportunity to be home with just one child is such a relief and sanity saver. It's I guess not a very spiritual sanity saver. But it's been getting me through. RJ is just some thing else and a relief from the constant talking, needing, every thing ing means so much right now. The last thing I want to do is go to church and pace the entire time with a fussy baby who is missing her morning nap and won't nurse because she's too curious about being in a new place.
I didn't know what to tell M. :0( I mean essentially I told her I couldn't commit to coming to the meetings. But it's more than that. We simply don't have an extra $20 at the moment for the Study. I know that's pathetic but money is so tight right now. I do get $20 spending money every week, but that goes to things we need . This weeks money went towards Gatorade, crackers and disposable diapers so I could have a chance to recoup from this awful stomach flu. I don't feel like spending it on a study guide for a study I don't think I'll get to go to. :0( And even if I DID get to go I'd have to take AJ- she's still nursing every 2 hours or so- I mean she can go 3 or 4 hours but I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her for that long.
But more than that Ryan is getting more and more requests for his LBCCS seminars - we're looking at 2 a month at this point and that will be an extra strain on me because he'll be gone late into the night when he has those seminars. Which means no downtime for me on those days.
This is such a short season of my life, I am learning and growing so much in so many ways- ways that might not be very "spiritual" but I can't say how much God is working on me and drawing me to Him right now. It isn't in the "lets sit down and study the bible" kind of way.
Growth doesn't just happen one way right? I mean as long as we're staying open to the Holy Spirit and ...Well I just feel like ...I don't know I feel fake for doing the "read your bible pray every day" going through the motions. I AM trying to stay in the word, but right now "staying in the word" means watching a sermon on DVR while I nurse AJ or rebound or reading a Psalms in a short quiet time. or just saying a memory verse over and over and over again while taking deep breaths so I don't kill some one. (just saying)
Last years Bible study was really good, I'm glad I did it, kinds. But I've also learned my limits and my family needs me right now. I just don't want the ladies at church to feel alienated. Need to think on this some more. :0(
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Thoughts On Crying
We all know that crying is a babys way of communicating. That it's our job as parents to decipher the code and meet the need..Whether the need is a clean diaper, comfort when afraid, or needing to be fed (and when in doubt whip it [the breast] out).
But what about when baby gets older? What about toddlers...children? I've been blessed with a daughter who has a lot of emotion. She feels things deeply- and more often than not loudly. It can be exhausting, embarrassing and some times down right annoying. Many many times we just want the tears to stop!!
I'm reading Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen Ph.D. I'm allllmost done with it, and I just finished reading a section about crying. I can't say how much this impacted me.
Here are some quotes that stood out to me...
"Tears are good. When we release grief and loss and sadness through crying, we generally feel much better, think more clearly, and recover. These benefits are especially true when we cry with someone who is caring and empathic. I have spent years trying to help adults in therapy, especially men, to cry so they could effectively heal from their traumas. Then I became a parent and I was surrounded by people trying desperately to get babies not to cry." (p. 223)
"In addition people seem to think that if you stop babies from crying you've actually stopped them from being sad or hurt. On the contrary, you've stopped their natural healing process, and the hurt just builds up inside. I like to think of crying as getting "un-sad." I know it ruins the metaphor, but a good cry actually fills children's cups, especially if they are being held and comforted." (p. 223)
He goes on to talk about meeting babies needs- like I said above: figure it out and meet the need.
I found this interesting, "But often babies cry just to express themselves, or to release their pent-up frustrations and tensions from the drama of all their new experiences." (p. 224)
He urges the reader to never leave a child alone to cry and also to ask the question: Are they happier and more connected after a good cry?
This part especially hit me hard.
""Is there a pattern in your family of teasing people or humiliating them for crying? Have they ever seen you cry? Have you tried staying with them, [the child who is crying] physically and emotionally, listening to them cry for as long as it takes to express themselves fully?" I also ask parents to recall their own history of crying as a child. "Did you have to cry alone in your pillow, or not cry at all, or were you lucky enough to have a friend or parent or caregiver who offered a shoulder?""(p. 225)
One more quote, "The term crybaby is an awful slur. It reinforces a very destructive idea that crying is bad, weak and immature. However, some children actually do cry a lot, for no apparent reason. Just because we don't know the reason, though, doesn't mean they don't have a good one. Emotions don't come from nowhere. It's presumptuous for us to decide when tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss. Since we usually stop tears before they are done, some children get stuck in an endless loop of trying to express their feelings through tears, only to be stopped midway...."
(p. 225)
This brought up some painful things for me. I can't count how many times I was teased for being a "crybaby"...Specifically by my siblings, it was a family joke that I was uber emotional. I remember many times crying into my pillow because I HAD to cry but didn't want any one to hear and make fun of me. I remember after a spanking I'd cry and scream and my parents (yes it probably was way over the top, I tend to be that way ). They would get angry at my "disrespect" and ask me if I wanted another spanking. That I better "dry up" or I'd be getting another one. I guess per Dobson you're supposed to spank the child and then comfort them and hug and hold them and reaffirm your love aftewards.
But after a spanking I didn't want to be hugged and held- from what I remember, I was hurt angry, enraged on a couple of occassions. I'd cry so hard I'd almost throw up. My parents viewed this as manipulative and got angrier at me and either left me alone or I know a couple times I got another spanking. My parents weren't ogres, they really were not big spankers at least compared to the other parents in the circles we were in. And they were pretty crunchy in a lot of other ways (homeschool, homebirth, all 5 kids breastfed, co-slept for at least the first few months etc.). They made mistakes. And those moments were a very small part of my childhood.
But they stand out so strongly in my mind - especially now that I'm a mother of an emotional toddler I feel those bad experiences so much stronger than I ever did. Before RJ was born I know I would have said' My parents spanked me, and I turned out okay"...Actually I'm pretty sure I DID say that on a few occassions. And I also know now that I'm grown and married and parenting my own children how deeply those spankings and interactions effected me. I can see how clearly they contributed to my being the emotionally constipated person I am today. A person now, trying to raise children in relationship. A relationship that will allow candid show of emotion- even loud and some what ugly emotion. A realtionship that will hopefully teach ME and my children how to express emotion in a healthy respectful way. NOT stuff it! Ask my husband I am the queen of stuffing it- untill I blow up that he took a wrong turn and cry for an hour over a stupid comment...Yup real healthy!
Read: "Children are often full of deep feelings that they can't get out. The real emotion is just too intense to handle. So they pick some little thing to get upset about, a pretext." (p 226)
All of this challenged me, especially at this point where RJ seems to cry over nothing so many hours of the week. Her big feelings are sometimes infuriating and exhausting - I don't know how to fix it and the sound is downright annoying (not to mention LOUD).
But I can choose to see the expression of feelings as obnoxious and over the top...Or I can embrace it, help her finish it out...And hopefully (please Lord!) guide her in experssing her feelings in a healthy way as she grows.
I should see the tears as an opportunity to connect
But what about when baby gets older? What about toddlers...children? I've been blessed with a daughter who has a lot of emotion. She feels things deeply- and more often than not loudly. It can be exhausting, embarrassing and some times down right annoying. Many many times we just want the tears to stop!!
I'm reading Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen Ph.D. I'm allllmost done with it, and I just finished reading a section about crying. I can't say how much this impacted me.
Here are some quotes that stood out to me...
"Tears are good. When we release grief and loss and sadness through crying, we generally feel much better, think more clearly, and recover. These benefits are especially true when we cry with someone who is caring and empathic. I have spent years trying to help adults in therapy, especially men, to cry so they could effectively heal from their traumas. Then I became a parent and I was surrounded by people trying desperately to get babies not to cry." (p. 223)
"In addition people seem to think that if you stop babies from crying you've actually stopped them from being sad or hurt. On the contrary, you've stopped their natural healing process, and the hurt just builds up inside. I like to think of crying as getting "un-sad." I know it ruins the metaphor, but a good cry actually fills children's cups, especially if they are being held and comforted." (p. 223)
He goes on to talk about meeting babies needs- like I said above: figure it out and meet the need.
I found this interesting, "But often babies cry just to express themselves, or to release their pent-up frustrations and tensions from the drama of all their new experiences." (p. 224)
He urges the reader to never leave a child alone to cry and also to ask the question: Are they happier and more connected after a good cry?
This part especially hit me hard.
""Is there a pattern in your family of teasing people or humiliating them for crying? Have they ever seen you cry? Have you tried staying with them, [the child who is crying] physically and emotionally, listening to them cry for as long as it takes to express themselves fully?" I also ask parents to recall their own history of crying as a child. "Did you have to cry alone in your pillow, or not cry at all, or were you lucky enough to have a friend or parent or caregiver who offered a shoulder?""(p. 225)
One more quote, "The term crybaby is an awful slur. It reinforces a very destructive idea that crying is bad, weak and immature. However, some children actually do cry a lot, for no apparent reason. Just because we don't know the reason, though, doesn't mean they don't have a good one. Emotions don't come from nowhere. It's presumptuous for us to decide when tears to be compassionate about and which ones to dismiss. Since we usually stop tears before they are done, some children get stuck in an endless loop of trying to express their feelings through tears, only to be stopped midway...."
(p. 225)
This brought up some painful things for me. I can't count how many times I was teased for being a "crybaby"...Specifically by my siblings, it was a family joke that I was uber emotional. I remember many times crying into my pillow because I HAD to cry but didn't want any one to hear and make fun of me. I remember after a spanking I'd cry and scream and my parents (yes it probably was way over the top, I tend to be that way ). They would get angry at my "disrespect" and ask me if I wanted another spanking. That I better "dry up" or I'd be getting another one. I guess per Dobson you're supposed to spank the child and then comfort them and hug and hold them and reaffirm your love aftewards.
But after a spanking I didn't want to be hugged and held- from what I remember, I was hurt angry, enraged on a couple of occassions. I'd cry so hard I'd almost throw up. My parents viewed this as manipulative and got angrier at me and either left me alone or I know a couple times I got another spanking. My parents weren't ogres, they really were not big spankers at least compared to the other parents in the circles we were in. And they were pretty crunchy in a lot of other ways (homeschool, homebirth, all 5 kids breastfed, co-slept for at least the first few months etc.). They made mistakes. And those moments were a very small part of my childhood.
But they stand out so strongly in my mind - especially now that I'm a mother of an emotional toddler I feel those bad experiences so much stronger than I ever did. Before RJ was born I know I would have said' My parents spanked me, and I turned out okay"...Actually I'm pretty sure I DID say that on a few occassions. And I also know now that I'm grown and married and parenting my own children how deeply those spankings and interactions effected me. I can see how clearly they contributed to my being the emotionally constipated person I am today. A person now, trying to raise children in relationship. A relationship that will allow candid show of emotion- even loud and some what ugly emotion. A realtionship that will hopefully teach ME and my children how to express emotion in a healthy respectful way. NOT stuff it! Ask my husband I am the queen of stuffing it- untill I blow up that he took a wrong turn and cry for an hour over a stupid comment...Yup real healthy!
Read: "Children are often full of deep feelings that they can't get out. The real emotion is just too intense to handle. So they pick some little thing to get upset about, a pretext." (p 226)
All of this challenged me, especially at this point where RJ seems to cry over nothing so many hours of the week. Her big feelings are sometimes infuriating and exhausting - I don't know how to fix it and the sound is downright annoying (not to mention LOUD).
But I can choose to see the expression of feelings as obnoxious and over the top...Or I can embrace it, help her finish it out...And hopefully (please Lord!) guide her in experssing her feelings in a healthy way as she grows.
I should see the tears as an opportunity to connect
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Myth of the Perfect Parent
I loved this article on Christian Parenting.
The Myth of the Perfect Parent by Leslie Leyland Fields
A few quotes...
"We are so focused on ourselves—on our own need for success and the success of our children—that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test...If we are graded instead on an absolute scale—as I believe we are—we fail even more miserably. But this is why a Savior was provided, and gifted to us through grace, through faith—"and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast" (Eph. 2:8-9). If even our ability to believe in God is given to us by God, then how much of parenting can we perform on our own? We must proceed, then, on our knees first, beggars before the throne, if we are to parent well...
We are not sovereign over our children only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula [italics mine], grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become."- Leslie Leyland Fields
A really great perspective at Christian parenting. Very much along the lines of Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel...It's about walking in REALTIONSHIP with our children. Holding them to the natural and logical boundries and consequences that God holds us to. Modeling for them and mirroring the relationship (through GRACE) that we have with God Himself. Okay enough, just sparked some thoughts in my mind thought I'd share.
The Myth of the Perfect Parent by Leslie Leyland Fields
A few quotes...
"We are so focused on ourselves—on our own need for success and the success of our children—that we have come to view parenting as a performance or a test...If we are graded instead on an absolute scale—as I believe we are—we fail even more miserably. But this is why a Savior was provided, and gifted to us through grace, through faith—"and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast" (Eph. 2:8-9). If even our ability to believe in God is given to us by God, then how much of parenting can we perform on our own? We must proceed, then, on our knees first, beggars before the throne, if we are to parent well...
We are not sovereign over our children only God is. Children are not tomatoes to stake out or mules to train, nor are they numbers to plug into an equation. They are full human beings wondrously and fearfully made. Parenting, like all tasks under the sun, is intended as an endeavor of love, risk, perseverance, and, above all, faith. It is faith rather than formula [italics mine], grace rather than guarantees, steadfastness rather than success that bridges the gap between our own parenting efforts, and what, by God's grace, our children grow up to become."- Leslie Leyland Fields
A really great perspective at Christian parenting. Very much along the lines of Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel...It's about walking in REALTIONSHIP with our children. Holding them to the natural and logical boundries and consequences that God holds us to. Modeling for them and mirroring the relationship (through GRACE) that we have with God Himself. Okay enough, just sparked some thoughts in my mind thought I'd share.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Regrouping
So we've learned some things with this process...And confirmed some things. I'm glad we dove in with all of this.
What we've learned...
What we've learned...
- We've confirmed that our little RJ is not like most...We knew this already, she's always been high needs and sensitive. But it should have been in the forefront of our minds when we took on this "3 Day Potty Training" deal.
- We learned how easy it is to get stresesd out having to follow a program...We're not program people and it's not in the best interest of our family.
- We learned in the end that we're really glad we dove in with the underwear thing! REALLY glad. Did she learn to use the potty in 3 days? Nope. Did she learn to recognize what elimination/peeping/pooping ARE? ABSOLUTELY.
- We learned A LOT. We learned that we can handle cleaning up messes- they aren't a big deal. Actually having cloth diapered for the past 18months we've realized her wearing underwear really is only a little different (the messes end up on the floor)...And we have the dry pail (for poopy or wet undies) all set up for AJ!
- We learned that RJ really is VERY good at holding her bladder, amazingly so. Again, probalby thanks to the CD's? She learned she felt wet so instinctively held it for longer so her diapers wouldn't bother her?
- We were once again confirmed that our family is definitely never going to fit in the "one size fits all" category. And to distrust advice that says every one does.
- We also learned to recognize RJ's cues and we got a special long weekend giving her a lot of attention (and learning from OUR frustrations).
What we've decided...
That we're going to keep going, but with a more relaxed attitude...More late ECing (which we've done a little of since she was 7mos old) than PTing. Let her run naked or in underwear around the house, puting her in pull ups, cloth pull ups, or training pants when we're out and about... It might take a few weeks but I think it will eventually be 100% underwear (I mean we WILL eventaully- she's not going to be PTing when she's 16, right? ;0). And very soon we'll be starting with Amity- who already cues very well when she pees I can almost always tell- I'm just too lazy to catch it before she goes. And hey, she's in cloth it's not costing much to wash them.
This potty training journey has been interesting. I haven't felt this waffley (that's a word) and unsure since Ri was a newborn! Looking back there are a few things I wish we had done differently... I want to in the future be more aware of fear- fear of failure. I know this whole thing was probalby a bit more stressful on Ri than it could have been. #1 don't potty train when they are sick. Give it up and try again...But we'd introduced the idea and once she expiereinced diaper-free morning she really didn't seem to want to go back. Oh and on the sick thing, especially in RJ's case, doing ANY THING when she is sick is miserable. She cries pretty constantly when she doesn't feel well. She sits there and fusses for hours on end- in our arms, alone, with us walking her around, constant intense attention and platy have to happen to keep the tears at bay...she's definitelt my girl! :0.
It was definitely an exhausting time made more exhausting by her being upset by wet peed on legs. We're not doing THAT agian. And I'll admit it, we were on the first day scared that if we backed off and let her back in diapers she wouldn't potty train for years and years (it was an unsaid irrational, silly, inkling fear).
And on a positive note, some thing changed in me this weekend. I realized a naked child running around (the very thought stressed me out) really isn't a big deal, getting them dressed 16 times a day (shirt on, shirt off) really wasn't a big deal... This whole thing has really been a very bonding experience for me and Ri... I'm glad we did it.
Lessons learned...agh parenting is humbling.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 2 and Day 3
I'm waffling. Are we doing the right thing? Honestly "cold turkey" is some thing I disagree with in almost every aspect of parenting, I don't think it's a healthy way to handle really any thing...And yet we got rid of diapers cold turkey. I honestly didn't think it would be a big deal. She hates wearing diapers...but this big change is obviously just way too much for her. She is extremely fussy and at points inconsolable. Part of me is like, maybe we should stop- it's upsetting her- this doesn't seem like the best way to learn the potty. And like I said, I'm a big fan of child-led everything, this isn't a choice she seems ready to make. The other part thinks, she'll be so happy when she can use the potty! No more wrestling with diaper changes, SHE will have control over her body and learning a new life skill.
I honestly don't mind changing diapers- 2 in (cloth) diapers isn't a big deal, I mean it's a lot of laundry it's definitely work...But way less work than dealing with a potty trained toddler...Who will need help getting to the potty IMMEDIATELY for the next several months (if not years).
I am doing this for her, I really think she wants to learn how to use the potty.
But she holds it, she stands and crosses her legs and than has an accident and won't use the potty. The mention of "tell us if you need to go" totally melts her into tears and whining. I don't know what to do.
I'm very conflicted. The largest part of my heart says "hold her close, be patient and compassionate...Hold her through this change, stay constant and consistant she WILL adjust...She'll grieve and move on."
The other part is slightly concerned we're ruining this process for her. We've tried to make it fun, we've tried to give her extra special attention. I think getting sick has made it a thousand times harder. ERGH had we realized that the sniffles would head this direction we never would have taken this on. :0(
So Day 2- no success.
Day 3- no accidents (and she's been up an hour and a half)...we'll see if it clicks, if it doesn't we're not sure what we'll do.
Maybe she's not as ready as we thought. I'll own up to that. I know she'll get used to this eventually, but is it what's best for her?
I honestly don't mind changing diapers- 2 in (cloth) diapers isn't a big deal, I mean it's a lot of laundry it's definitely work...But way less work than dealing with a potty trained toddler...Who will need help getting to the potty IMMEDIATELY for the next several months (if not years).
I am doing this for her, I really think she wants to learn how to use the potty.
But she holds it, she stands and crosses her legs and than has an accident and won't use the potty. The mention of "tell us if you need to go" totally melts her into tears and whining. I don't know what to do.
I'm very conflicted. The largest part of my heart says "hold her close, be patient and compassionate...Hold her through this change, stay constant and consistant she WILL adjust...She'll grieve and move on."
The other part is slightly concerned we're ruining this process for her. We've tried to make it fun, we've tried to give her extra special attention. I think getting sick has made it a thousand times harder. ERGH had we realized that the sniffles would head this direction we never would have taken this on. :0(
So Day 2- no success.
Day 3- no accidents (and she's been up an hour and a half)...we'll see if it clicks, if it doesn't we're not sure what we'll do.
Maybe she's not as ready as we thought. I'll own up to that. I know she'll get used to this eventually, but is it what's best for her?
Friday, January 1, 2010
Potty Training Day 1 and 2
Day 1- interesting. Ri woke up with the sniffles that she had had for 2 or 3 days by noon it had rocketed into a nice little fever and green snotty explosions from the nose. She had 4 accidents and was not loving those, hated the sensation of the pee running down her legs. She did NOT want to use the potty. She was so sick and miserable and begging for a diaper so we put one on her and decided maybe we would hold off on potty training...Until she was feeling better
2 hours later her diaper was still dry. She was asking to wear underwear and wanted all her clothes off. 2 more accidents that day and it was bedtime. Oh was also dry after nap.
Day 2:
Woke up with very wet pull up. Had 3 accidents in the morning, and a poop which got half way in the potty (with help from us). The pooping thing with out a diaper was traumatic (seemingly?) she did not want to poop with out a diaper and she was so upset. Pacing, and crying anxious about having to poop.
She had a few more accidents and then it was nap time, woke up dry...We put her on the potty as soon as she woke up and she went in the potty! Buutt, she wasn't done and went some more on the bathroom floor...And then when we brought her downstairs...She had a lot of accidents. Or she'd hold it really well and then let it all loose. It's been a challenge to keep perspective. This afternoon has been hard. She's not feeling well and she's been crying a lot. She's never handled change well and the change from diaper to no diaper seems to be a bigger transition for her than I anticipated. I'm kinda kicking myself for not realizing what a change this would be for her. :0( She's excited about the underwear, but she wants to be naked too. Which is fine, but our rule is no naked on the furniture (except her rocker) it's my Mom's furniture and we don't' feel like it's respectful to let our 2 year old climb around on it naked. Ryan and I waiver- is this being awful to take and make her transition so extremely fast and cold turkey? But on the flip side we feel like this is the best way for her to learn- the most logical way. Let her be excited about underwear, help her grieve the loss of diapers...Give her a choice to be naked or in underwear- let her see what her body does- stay positive, give her lots and lots of cuddles and attention, and let her figure this thing out. I just wish we had realized she'd be sick when we were doing this. :0/
We've decided even with the sickness we're going to keep going, and stay consistent. We feel like it would be really confusing to her and we'll just keep chugging away and keep her consistent. She likes sitting on the potty but she doesn't want to put her pee in there. :0/
2 hours later her diaper was still dry. She was asking to wear underwear and wanted all her clothes off. 2 more accidents that day and it was bedtime. Oh was also dry after nap.
Day 2:
Woke up with very wet pull up. Had 3 accidents in the morning, and a poop which got half way in the potty (with help from us). The pooping thing with out a diaper was traumatic (seemingly?) she did not want to poop with out a diaper and she was so upset. Pacing, and crying anxious about having to poop.
She had a few more accidents and then it was nap time, woke up dry...We put her on the potty as soon as she woke up and she went in the potty! Buutt, she wasn't done and went some more on the bathroom floor...And then when we brought her downstairs...She had a lot of accidents. Or she'd hold it really well and then let it all loose. It's been a challenge to keep perspective. This afternoon has been hard. She's not feeling well and she's been crying a lot. She's never handled change well and the change from diaper to no diaper seems to be a bigger transition for her than I anticipated. I'm kinda kicking myself for not realizing what a change this would be for her. :0( She's excited about the underwear, but she wants to be naked too. Which is fine, but our rule is no naked on the furniture (except her rocker) it's my Mom's furniture and we don't' feel like it's respectful to let our 2 year old climb around on it naked. Ryan and I waiver- is this being awful to take and make her transition so extremely fast and cold turkey? But on the flip side we feel like this is the best way for her to learn- the most logical way. Let her be excited about underwear, help her grieve the loss of diapers...Give her a choice to be naked or in underwear- let her see what her body does- stay positive, give her lots and lots of cuddles and attention, and let her figure this thing out. I just wish we had realized she'd be sick when we were doing this. :0/
We've decided even with the sickness we're going to keep going, and stay consistent. We feel like it would be really confusing to her and we'll just keep chugging away and keep her consistent. She likes sitting on the potty but she doesn't want to put her pee in there. :0/
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