mommiejoy

Unconditional Love...Ponderings on Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves... Part ONE

2012-02-18T15:03:00.003-05:00

"Parenting is a path of maturation and growth if we dare to learn more and teach less."

~Naomi Aldort

I have been working my way through the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves: Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to freedom, power and joy by Naomi Aldort

I gotta say, this book is challenging my socks off. I am only a few chapters into the book and I have been humbled and challenged. I struggle with feelings. I have had a LOT of growth over the last 5 years. I have gone from a very emotionally constipated person, to some one who can generally accept all my feelings (small and nice, big and ugly) with maturity. But it's a slow process, and I generally need some time to work them out internally. I still struggle in the heat of the moment, especially if other people are having a lot of feelings too.

Which leads me to my children... Their feelings overwhelm me. I am not making excuses for myself, but I can see from a logical side why this is, personality. One of the unique things about my personality type (MyersBriggs: INFj) is that I can be an emotional sponge. Some might say God gave me an extra giant dose of empathy...I literally feel what they feel. When they get sick, I physically feel their pain (or nausea, or aches). When they have big feelings, and I am in a place where I haven't taken enough time for myself to process and work out some "backed up" feelings of my own...When I am already struggling to work every thing out, or at least do damage control, I can't handle what they are feeling. I almost feel a bit of panic, like it's personal. They are dumping more on me! I don't want to know! I want it to stop NOW!! And I don't mean maybe. I shut down my empathy mode completely and become hard. In order to protect myself my main emotion becomes anger. Often times I just lose it, I get loud. I try to scare them (not on purpose, but when I step away this is essentially what I'm doing!) I demand that they stop feeling. STOP!!! I can't handle your feelings, I can't handle MINE right now- I don't like them. And those noises you are making are HORRIFIC. CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!

It's every thing I didn't want for my children. I want to raise emotionally healthy adults. People who know how to accept and handle their feelings appropriately. Adults who don't "stuff" and ignore their feelings until they are so constipated that they lose it.

I'm not really accomplishing that goal right now. At all.

And with two (well...three but she's a bitty yet!) VERY passionate, strongly individual, and extremely emotional girls...We have a LOT, and I mean a LOT, of feelings flying around in an hour..Let alone a day!

I'm not going to defend myself here, or explain away bad parenting. Let's just say- there is grace- and I want to make changes.

Which leads to me lessons I'm learning from having a newborn in the house.

This peanut feels a lot. Even in her sleep her face is the full spectrum of expressions...When she's in light sleep grimaces, smiles, frowns, scowls, and pouty lips all run across her face in the matter of seconds.

I don't get angry at her for crying. I love to make her feel safe and happy. I can't make her stop her feelings, even if I wanted to! She is what she is, and it's a joy to hold her and take care of her. And even when she's upset and I can't help her- it's frustrating, but I never feel angry or like I'm doing some thing wrong (it's nice to be a 3rd time Mom! I like how much more relaxed I am...Just sayin).

But when she's up at 4a.m. crying because she is a bit gassy and needs to poop (hey, every body does it!) and I can't make it happen. I'm at peace, I'm tired, and wish I could do it for her...But I'm at peace. When did I lose that? When did I lose that unconditional love for my older two?

And what steps do I need to take to get it back?

And that's where I'm being challenged. Over the next several posts I'd like to explore practical ways that this is playing out (internally and externally) in my life.

More to come in Part TWO

Potpartum Recovery; Third Time Around the Block...

2012-02-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

I can't believe Piper is a week old! This past week has been my favorite. Don't get me wrong... I'm sore. My stomach muscles ache, after pains have been intense (they say they get harder with every baby, it's true...whoa!), and my goodness- milk coming in- my body doesn't joke around! As my wonderful husband put it, "I wouldn't want to ship those things!" (yes, he works in shipping and receiving...his idea of a joke...He's lucky I actually found that both horrifying and funny). This week has been kind of: a new pain every day. But oh my goodness, I've been enjoying it.

One of the things that was really important to me this time was recovery. Getting time to let my body recover and REALLY rest.

My first baby: a cesarean birth... Followed abruptly 3 days pp by a horrific cold and sore throat. Ryan returned to work a few days after we left the hospital ...And I was alone, with a newborn, and a cold, and a giant ugly stapled and bruise horribly painful belly. And stairs: lots of stairs. Add to that gall bladder attacks keeping me up all night every night for weeks and weeks (barfing on a cesarean incision: Horrible doesn't even start to describe...Why weeks and weeks? I thought I had developed reflux... went on meds for reflux...The pain [thanks to the pregnancy shifting things] wasn't presenting in the "gall bladder" area of my body...live and learn). But the pregnancy had been so miserable I just wanted to get back to normal... I was out shopping at Target 4 days postpartum... I landed myself in the hospital for a week 10 weeks in because I was taking such rotten care of myself. My liver was failing and I had to have 2 surgeries. Oh, and I caught the flu there. Coughing (with the flu!) on both a fairly fresh c/s incision and on 4 new (laproscopic, but still) incisions on my abdomen. HELL.
3 weeks later I was travelling and bowling...By 6 mos out I was BURNT OUT. By 12 mos postpartum, I was beyond burnt out and 2 months pregnant with #2.

Would I learn?

I thought I had. But I hadn't.

With Friendly, my first vaginal birth, OIYE. Imagine giving birth for the first time, and having a 1 year old to take care of. While Ryan was home for the first week and my Mom was around the second week- at least part of the time. I was just not in a great place recovery wise. I was up and around with in a day or two- my bleeding was extremely heavy... I felt very alone and isolated. It took me MONTHS to feel recovered, especially down there. And I hadn't torn (though Friendly had left a giant "skid mark" up internally - probably from her hand coming down)!

After that experience I promised myself, never again...My body deserves rest after that hard work. I deserve to be alone to process and prepare for the intense weeks ahead (aka when real life returns and we start to find the "new normal").

I insisted (and my husband fully supports) that I get 2 weeks to lay in bed and rest and recover.
This first week has been heavenly... I have done nothing but lay in bed and nurse my baby...and also hang out with my bigger kiddos.

Next week will be a bit more patchy as Ryan has to get some hours in at work. My Mom will be filling in where he has to be gone... And I might have to kind of ease into real life a bit more...But I intend to soak up the rest and bed-time until then.

I know this isn't an option for most Mama's today... And I know culturally people ask me 'WHY?'...Others say "pregnancy isn't a disease, women squat in the field- give birth - and head right back to work all the time."

And you know what- after giving birth to Piper: I can see how that is possible. I feel fantastic...Okay, I'm sore...But if I had to go back to harvesting a field- I could do it.

But I also feel like, sure that happens- but is it BEST? I know I'm not under Old Testament Law, but I think it's very interesting how big and strict of a guide line God laid out for His people when it comes to the postpartum period: He said Boy: 33 days of rest. Girl: 66 days of rest.

During this time the women, from what I undertand, were to be cared for and kept off in her tent, any one who touched her was also ceremonially unclean for a certain numbers of days. I don't know a ton about it...I'd be very interested to hear more in how this was practically carried out. And obviously that isn't necessary anymore. But I think there is some thing to be said for how God views this special time: birth is hard work and women not only need, but deserve, rest. A time where she isn't required (she's not allowed!) to be places or running around. He built it into their very culture.

All that to say, I feel great...And I have had to be intentional with this time to stay down even (despite minor aches and soreness) when I feel good. This is my personal conviction. My instincts are screaming: your body deserves this investment. I can't literally take 66 days to "lay in my tent". But I'm going to take 14-18days and lay low. I will ignore the mess, I will not cook every day (or at all, right now), I will let my children run around half naked and watch TV as much as they like. I will allow the laundry to remain in unfolded piles- at least it's clean! I will shield my eyes from messes, I will ask for help when they get to be too much, and I embrace this season with a newborn. I was in a sleep deprived and very bad place with my last two babies. My family suffers when I am not at my best... They do not suffer when I say "I need this time, what can we do to meet every ones needs?"...And that will look different day to day...It will definitely mean a lot of me parenting from a seated or reclined position.

I was afraid of appearing weak with my other two babies... Of looking like birth was too hard for me...Like I couldn't bounce back. And you know what? Birth IS hard for me...I (in the past) haven't bounced back well... Sure, I can't wait to get back to chasing after my kids (after months of being super pregnant, holidays, laboring for weeks - I miss the old "us"ness), to going to parks and on adventures, to feeling normal and "back to normal"...I can't wait for every thing to get back to normal. But to really go into the next new (big) season of my life: I need to set this intention. I deserve to rest. To lay in bed nursing my new baby and watching netflix and reading. I deserve this time- after doing the biggest hardest thing a human can do: build a baby in less than a year: and then birth it!): I deserve rest...I need to prepare.

And so I am.

She said it best when it comes to postpartum recovery. over at The Leaky B@@b: A Time To Heal

I look back at my first two babies and I feel sad...I wish I had some one tell me to "chill out...relax...the cleaning, laundry, projects, and running around can wait...BE with your baby, they grow SO fast...And your body needs the rest NOW...This isn't a sprint! Baby's first year is a marathon of work."

we're just a little in love!!

I am embracing this time with Piper...Even when the trash is overflowing, or the sink is full of dirty dishes (life happens!)...I am going to walk away...And snuggle and sniff my newborn, and read books and snuggle my big babies and really be present ...Really try and be super present..Because I'll blink and it will be passed...Really.

I'm just going to chill out.

The Peaceful Birth of Piper Joy...A Journey

2012-01-27T13:01:00.000-05:00

If you want to skip to the birth story, go to part 6. :0)

I wanted to start this with a disclaimer:
I struggled with a lot of fears in all my pregnancies..Let me rephrase that, I wasn't afraid of any thing in my first pregnancy. I had been raised in a home where child birth was an exciting and normal thing. My Mom had 5 relatively cut and dry vaginal births. I was born at home. I knew I was capable of natural birth, and nothing else was really an option. A cesarean birth was never something I thought I would ever experience. I was unprepared for the machine that is most large teaching hospitals. I went through every intervention in the book. I ended up with a cesarean.
With that cut across my abdomen, a whole new world of fears was opened to me. Fears I ignored and wrestled through with my first VBAC baby. And finally truly faced this pregnancy. I finally found healing. Is there more to do? Always.
I mention cesarean birth in negative terms, because my experience was very negative. I also mention baby loss, and death, things that I experienced or I saw become reality for others. I also share the steps I took to find my own personal place of comfort if I were to experience it too. The book Birthing From Within talks a lot about worry and fear. And what a GOOD thing it is, if you use it.
This pregnancy was my journey of learning to use it, explore it, and really walk out all scenarios. It was my discovery of where I needed to be to find peace in whatever - even the unthinkable. It was really hard, but I explored it...and found healing.
I went from a woman who had lost all trust in the medical establishment.. Some one who (honestly, sadly) would choose a dangerous or unhealthy situation over repeat surgery (not that my first HBAC was that scenario- but had things not gone smoothly, I wonder...) I moved to a place where I could fully embrace the thought of another cesarean birth. I went from never ever, under any circumstances, being okay with a hospital birth again...To planning one, and being 300% ok with whatever that would bring me.

This pregnancy brought me so many gifts. It was a lot of work. I took a lot of time alone and a lot of space. This was my journey, and very personal experience and fears. And its conclusion is part of my story. Each baby brings something unique to a mothers journey...a gift in its own right. My first baby gave me my voice. She taught me to hear my true feelings...that happiness isn't the only emotion, and to speak my mind.
My second baby taught me some times you just have to do some thing scared, and embrace grace and hope for a better season. She also taught me how strong and beautiful my body is. And to respect birth and the process it brings you...And learn from it.
Piper taught me to explore and find what I need to have peace. If I have any more babies in the future I'm sure I'll have other (or more of the same) fears to face...it's about putting one foot in front of the other and finding peace for you, in that season.

In a nut shell: After 27 days of insanity making prodromal labor: Piper Joy was born. January 26, 2012 at 5:55pm 7lbs 6oz and 20inches long.

The Long Version: Part One: Jacob leaves us...And Piper comes too.

To tell this story we need to go back to February 2011. We got pregnant. We lost the baby in March. It...hit me hard. I named him Jacob, and I still miss him. I've had other losses...Big losses, hard losses, my Dad died after a two year battle with brain cancer. He was 49. It was horrible. I'd even had another early miscarriage. But this one felt like a punch in the gut. That baby belonged to me.
Onto the TMI...
I historically have LONG cycles- especially when breastfeeding (which I was): I'm talking, 40-70 day long cycles...Which means weeks and weeks with out ovulating. Which is both great, and frustrating because: well it's all irregular and you have to be extra vigilant if you're trying to avoid pregnancy. One April day, just a 11 or 12 days into my first post-loss cycle, I was in the bathroom and had an "oh crap" moment. I was ovulating- like 3 weeks earlier than "usual". And I had allowed a "freebie" (no barrier) a few days before. I just knew it...I was pregnant. And I wasn't ready. At All.

2 weeks later: The dollar store test said it all: Piper was in there. And so started a journey I desperately needed to be on...

Part Two: In Which I Try on Everybody

For my miscarriage care I had used a group of MW's at a FSBC (Free Standing Birth Center) about an hour away. They were who I was planning to use for the pregnancy and birth of Jacob. Through my loss they were great, compassionate, kind, supportive. But when I got pregnant with Piper- it just felt wrong for her birth.
For one thing, I was due in January AKA, dead of winter. The thought of an hour long drive turning into 3 hours in a snow storm, in labor...No thanks.
But I wanted to feel it out, so I called them up at 10 weeks (yes, I was in a bit of denial about the pregnancy...) and asked if they could get me an u/s for dating and for a prenatal ASAP. They could send me for an u/s, but they couldn't see me until I would be (by my guess) 18 weeks along. After my loss: that just wasn't happening. I needed to have a prenatal care. Pregnancy after a loss is just different, especially if you found yourself expecting before you were "ready" (are you ever ready?).

Important note: have a scar on my uterus from the cesarean birth of my first baby (Riley Joy) 4 years ago. Which means doctors are a little more funny about "due" dates. I didn't want any one pushing an arbitrary due date on me, or trying to get my baby out sooner than needed. I wanted to have my behind covered. Even though I was fairly certain on the date (or at least week) of conception- I wanted to have a piece of paper to prove it.

We went and saw "Newby" (Piper's in utero nickname) healthy and busy measuring 10 weeks- just like I thought. I can't say the relief that flooded me when I finally saw her moving around on the screen..I think it was the first time I started crying at an u/s (I'm just not one to cry like that).

I was starting to feel more accepting of the pregnancy, and felt like I needed prenatal care and support ASAP. A good friend of mine mentioned a HB MW out of R (city) that was fantastic and had 3 HBAC (home birth after a cesarean) herself. I had met this MW at an ICAN meeting and just remembered really liking her. I called D (the MW) and asked her some questions...But she was also an hour away- and her back up provider was almost 2 hours away. I decided to walk away and find some one else.

I called up the HB MW I used for my first VBAC baby (Amity Joy)...We had a few prenatals, I even went ahead and secured her for the birth. But some thing wasn't sitting right. Again, she was over an hour away and the January thing wasn't sitting well for me- what if it snowed and she couldn't make it? But more than that, I just wasn't having a peace about the birth.

I called D back (this was a few months after our last talk) because her name was on my heart- I don't know why I wanted her at the birth...Or maybe- she was the catalyst - and my heart knew that? Anyway, she said she couldn't take me on, due to client load. But that her good friend J (another MW- who had been apprenticing and assisting in the area for a few years and was now taking on clients) was located very close to me. D recommended I give her a call and maybe meet up. I did... And J was perfect for us. Ryan (hubby) and I were so impressed by her and we knew she was right for this birth. I don't think I even asked her that many clinical (what's your experience, bla bla bla) questions (I'm friends with a lot of doulas in the area and had gathered enough info about her to be impressed and excited). I just knew she was who I needed. We hired her at 27 weeks into the pregnancy.

Part Three: In which I'm scared to do some thing I have to do.

Losing Jacob changed some thing for me...I tasted a little bit of what it means to lose a child. Some thing that hit even closer to home as I had become heavily involved in my local ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) chapter and was fairly plugged in (albeit, more vicariously through good friends) to the "birth community"... I was hearing a lot of the crazy stuff that was going on in my general area. Defacto bans at hospitals... Forced/court ordered cesareans...Mothers being treated badly/disrespectfully in hospital situations when they transferred in from a home birth for hospital care. Crazy sad, messed up things were trickling around. And that was locally, nationally I was hearing even more crazy and heart breaking stuff (thank you, internet). Over the previous18mos period I was, for the first time, really being exposed to some hard realities: babies dying. Ugly things happening, Add to that, the grief I felt over my little loss, and for the Mamas whose arms were empty...Changed me.

Babies died. My baby couldn't die.And if that were to happen, I had to know I had set up every thing every thing to cover any scenario. Mothers are incredible. No Mama should ever lose a baby...at the hand of a surgeon...or because the scar on her uterus caused issues. Or because, some times it just happens. And no Mama should be treated badly for the decisions she makes for her body. Whether it's a VBAC or a repeat, a home birth or an unassisted birth, or hospital birth... All mothers deserve awesome, informed, and respectful care...But it doesn't always happen.

The whole expereince was a reality check, my baby deserved the best care and coverage possible. I needed an OB. I just did.My decision to birth at home - or even just VBAC again- could not be allowed to effect the care my baby received. And if some thing horrible did happen: I had done my part as Mama to protect her.

My c/s birth was horrifically traumatic. It was a dark ugly shadow over my second pregnancy...Which happened "so soon" (10mos) after the first. I was terrified of being on that table again. Terrified of being an object to a means (getting baby out), instead of an active participent. My VBAC was hard. It was long. It was empowering. But I did it FREAKING scared. Terrified of being on that table... And maybe even to the detriment of Amity's safety...It's just not okay to be that afraid. But I did it. And I would do it again.

But I had to find an OB.

Part Four...Back It Up...
Back up to 20 weeks pregnant...We went to my (former) MW's [unofficial] back up OB's practice for the 20 week anatomy scan. I had asked if I could have a prenatal with that OB as well and talk about getting care in the case of hospital birth. I was blind sided at this meeting. This OB had 3 home births herself, she was supposedly very home birth supportive (as much as any OB can say they are in the current climate). She's not VBAC friendly though. I get it, there are risks (smaller risks - in most cases- than repeat surgery though!) - I get that she can't legally support my desire to birth at home. But the amount of times the words "you die", "dead baby", "leave your other children because you're dead", "selfish VBACing at hme...risk to all midwives..' were said was just uncalled for. I cried the whole way home from that meeting. Wept for the Mama's who've lost their babies... And for the ones who couldn't find support to birth safely they felt they were supposed to, becaue they have a scar on their abdomen.

That meeting rocked me, and drove home the fact: I needed to switch my way of doing things. I really needed to plan two separate births, not try to find "back up" but go all out with both plans...And decide when the time came what I would do.
I needed to do the whole nine yards, the tour, registration, walk through what would happen in the case of another cesarean Walk through what a vaginal birth in the hospital would look like. I needed to know my baby would have a wonderful birth no matter what... I needed a surgeon I trusted.

Part Five: In which I dive in and do a brave thing scared.

I took a few weeks and interviewed other OB's. Finally at 30 weeks pregnant, I realized, I'm out of time: I called a (very) local OB (very close to my home) and just signed on with them. As far as any one could tell J (my new MW) didn't exisit, and I had completely ended my professional relationship with my former MW at 26ish weeks. I called and explained that I didn't have care any more and I knew a lot of people who had had babies with them (my MIL had 4!) and had had great experiences.

That office rocks. I have no idea if they viewed me with suspicion, they didn't ask many questions of me... And I kept my answers simple. But either way, they took great care of Newby...I mean Piper, and me. And they restored my respect in OBGYN care.

At 34 weeks Ryan and I toured the hospital and pre-registered. I asked about this hospital (a different hospital from where I had Riley) handled cesarean births...I asked about their mother- baby practices. I was both impressed and encouraged. I really walked out and planned this hospital birth. I honestly didn't know if I wanted a home birth and /I was excited to have this opportunity to embrace a hospital birth.

So we were covered...We had prenatal care coming out our ears, and I felt peace I would labor at home- like I would with any baby- as long as possible and see how it unfolded...If I felt like I wanted to be in the hospital: I'd go. If things moved fast and there wasn't time, we had experienced hands there to keep us safe.

And either way, Newby, I mean Piper, was protected (as much was in my ability to do so). I really liked doing it this way, if I was just planning a hospital birth, I wouldn't have some one at home all that time monitoring her heart rate (intermitently) and making sure every body was okay. I really felt good about this plan. Really good.

Part Six: Baby Time...HA!

Saturday December 31, 2011 a special day, the 4 year Birth Day of my entrance into Motherhood...And Riley into this world.. I woke up that morning feeling kind of off, but was determined to celebrate with my Birthday Girl. We dropped Amity off at Nana's and took Riley to her first movie (The Muppet Movie) and out for an ice cream sundea at Friendly's. I was having strange (and strong) contractions all that day, I kept drinking water in the hopes it would make them go away...I took a nap with the girls that afternoon and woke up feeling awful. Contractions felt weird and were making me run to the bathroom...I started to get nauseous. I started to dry heave... At some point mid-dry heave I felt a gush and the baby dropped down ( I felt her, it was a weird sensation!). I looked down at my pants and they were wet and slippery. My water had broken at the onset of labor with both my other babies, I was in shock. I called my MW and she said to keep an eye on it and she'd be in touch... Contractions and "clean out" continued all that afternoon....and night... and the next day. At some point J came over and checked on us and did the litmus test: it changed color (meaning there most likely had been some sort of leak)...She said we'd monitor it. Monday morning we sent the girls to my Mom's for the day to see if we could get labor going. I had been a little leaky those 2 days, but really very minimally. I had so much peace about the situation and wasn't concerned at all about it. I knew leaks happen and can reseal and it just didn't seem like a big deal.

But I had been contracting a LOT, I was sore and tired and wondering if my body just needed some space to get things going. So that morning (still Monday, 1/2/12) Ryan went into work for a bit and after the girls were off with my Mom. I turned on some worship music and walked around and belly danced through contractions. One song in particular hit me hard, like a wave washing over me: Jesus started to speak (via Jesus Culture).

"Come away with me...Come away with me... It's never too late...It's never too late...It's not too late. I have a plan for you. I have a plan for you...It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great...It's gonna be full of me."

I heard him singing this over me, felt His comforting presence. I spent the hour with Him, letting him love on me...crying.. Sharing my stress and fears about this pregnancy and birth. I felt Him say this was going to be wild...It was going to be very hard... It was going to be an intense time of healing. It was going to be LONG (I didn't want to hear that part)...And He was going to teach me what it was to Come Away. That I was going to need it as a parent to these 3 precious souls...

Part Seven: It was Long, Freaking LONG.

Labor got intense that Monday and then fizzled. I didn't have any more leaking (at some point early that week I noticed I was completely dry...And was actually lacking most "labors coming soon" discharge). The thought was, that it was a high leak that resealed. I decided I was fine with that, and I practiced good hygiene and decided to just play it by ear. It felt right.

Oh I wanted to add, when I went to the OB at 33 weeks they did some tests and discovered I had a fairly (really, actually) advanced UTI/bladder infection. I was starting to feel yucky and run down and when they told me that I had infection I went "oooooh, duh!" and I got on antibiotics right away (around 34 weeks). After the antibiotics I added some heavy duty probiotics (supplement), and kifir and raw milk to my diet to build my gut back up. At my 36 week appointment they did the swab for Group B strep and I was negative, they also tested me for a few other things (that I knew I was negative for) and any other infections as well as another clean catch: I was all good= no problems! That was all in 2 days before this whole thing started. So when I had the question about leakage I had that clinical information to go by as well: I was in a very good place. And had I not hired the OB's I probably wouldn't have discovered the UTI until a week or two later when I finally would have given in and called my GP to get checked out (I hate making appointments/phone calls it's a definite erm...struggle of mine).

So all that, but mainly instinct, told me that everything was okay... And I felt comfortable waiting.

And so labor insanity continued, it was hard. It got intense 2 or 3 days a week for the next 3+ weeks. Infuriating and exhausting. It would act just like real labor, start out slow and easy, and then get faster and harder until I'd actually text J and let her know...And then a few hours later, fiiiiiizle.
At some point in there I decided to splurge (it's not exactly in the budget) and go to my chiropractor and get an adjustment...I hadn't seen her much since Amity was born and we had a really great visit. She evened me out and right after that adjustment I felt Piper drop even more, walking was now very painful. But I figured, it's all part of the process right? Some where in here we (ie me) did a vaginal exam (limiting them, just in case) and my cervix was very easy to reach, I felt that I was thinning well and around 3ish centimeters (by my guess)...That encouraged me.
It wasn't all bad...I mean sleep didn't happen easily, and I was tired. Those weeks will always be precious to me. We were more intentional about our time with the girls... And there was a definite shifting going on in that time. We were making room for Piper, each in our own way...And I certainly got a TON of projects out of the way!! It was all part of the process, and a better plan than I could have come up with. It was what we needed. Even though it was hard.

But 41 weeks found me still pregnant. I was just getting over a nasty cold, exhausted and DONE.

How Low can ya go?

January 2012 is up there on my "hardest months of my life" list. Parenting (oh not so well) 2 young children while super pregnant and dealing with constant prodromal labor, sucks. If it weren't for my Mom coming daily after work to get me through, and DH taking some early days... Would not have made it. So thankful for those two precious people!

And so we waited... Nothing was making this happen...Oh I was still laboring, but it just wouldn't go over the edge. I went and got Chiropractic adjustments, accupuncture -though they felt great - weren't getting this kid out! It seemed no amount of working through fears (though wonderful and necessary- I had a lot), talking to baby, walking, belly dancing, praying, begging, crying, weeping, gnashing of teeth...you get the picture- the kid was just REALLY happy in there. And I was so ready. And yet, Piper didn't feel all that big, and I knew on some level she really did (obviously) need that time to bake. I wasn't -even on my most labory days- willing to do too much. Even with the question of the water leak, I held back...I just knew in my heart the time was meant for rest, and not work. In the center of it all, I knew, this child had to start the process...I wasn't going to push it. I wasn't willing to do any thing drastic. And I so I waited.
It was such a roller coaster, up down up down. I would surrender, I would fight and cry, I would surrender and joyfully wait...I would fight and cry.

One of the songs that really ministered to me during those weeks was by Sanctus Real "Whatever You're Doing"

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

And that, is really the story of the journey...The beginning, and the end...Which leads me to:

Part Eight: Let's get this show on the road!
January 25, at 41w and change, I went into the OB for an appointment and an NST. I consented to a check (first vaginal exam with the OB's- they were seriously so hands off, it was great) I was a "stretchy" 4cm and 80% effaced and the NST said I was having contractions every 3-5 min (nothing new). Piper was a very happy and doing great so the OB said it was whatever, she offered to induce me (I certainly was favorable for it to work!) but was fine with letting me "wait it out". She didn't think it would be long. It *had* to be soon... I had had bloody show that weekend, and contractions were getting so intense they were keeping me up at night.

I left the appointment feeling secure in the knowledge that I'm made the right decision for now...But TIRED.

Part Nine: Okay SERIOUSLY NOW!

Thursday January 26, 2012. That day found me DONE. I mean, "just sign me up for a repeat" DONE. The contractions were getting stronger and I was needing to vocalize through a few an hour...They were waking me up out of sleep and leaving me moaning. Around 4 a.m. that morning I texted my Mom and told her (essentially) "it's today, no matter what". Around 7a.m. my Mom came and got the girls, who were all packed up for the long haul and "weren't coming back until this baby is OUT!".
Around 10 in the morning J came to do a prenatal. She walked in the door and I started crying, "today has to be the day...It has to be...I can't do this any more. If this baby doesn't come today I'm going in for an induction..." I wasn't kidding. She checked me, I was 5cm, "very very thin and whoa really really soft," Piper was at 0 station and well applied (as she had been for about 2 weeks- yeah, I was miserable).

So we talked about my options. It was decided: pumping for an hour (10 on one side, 10 off, 10 on the other) and then an hour of brisk walking. She left caster oil with me if I wanted to try that later... And we'd talk about AROM (artificial rupture of membranes) later that day if it was some thing I felt like doing (though J, honestly didn't feel it would come to that).

I didn't want to do caster oil unless it was my only option to get things going. So I sat with the pump and bounced on my trusty balance ball, and watched Fraiser episodes with Ryan (we just grew up enough- or some thing- to find this show funny..?LOVE it!) And we laughed and laughed and laughed...I think the laughing helped on so many levels.

After pumping we headed to the park and walked and joked, laughed and talked. After our walk we went to a local health food store/deli and ordered Tuna sandwiches- oh my word AMAAAAZING. It was kind of funny, the lady working behind the counter actually was a Mama I met at the chiropractor the week before...She went 10 days late with her first baby and she could comiserate. "Oh wow, your baby is still in there, huh?" We chatted- turns out she had a home birth as well. When she handed me my sandwich she said, "I put some extra birthy vibes in it just for you." :0D So That's what did it... A tuna sandwich from HA's cafe! :0D
Anyway, we ate our lunch and went home and I did another round of pumping, bouncing and laughing and contractions were 2-4min apart and getting intense. Around this time Ryan started setting up the tub...

I texted J around 2ish to let her know what was up with the contractions, and she said she'd be right over. In the mean time I walked and swayed and worked through contractions...I was still pretty happy.

J got there about 30 minutes later, and checked me. I was 5 (still) but completely effaced and my cervix was even lower and baby was at +1 station... Also she said I was so stretchy she could stretch me anywhere with how flexible it all was in there. I had been starting to feel my bag of waters bulge during contractions and she could feel it too. We talked for about 30 minutes about breaking it. Note: Riley's labor was "augmented" with AROM and I think it directly lead to my having a cesarean birth. It was some thing I swore i would never EVER do again. And yet I found myself considering it... I attribute this to healing, big time. We decided to wait until D would arrive in an hour (yes, the original MW, D!!! She doesn't often assist J but it worked out that there were no other MW's available!!!! She was at my birth!!) and see how we felt then.

I thought for sure labor would fizzle once J arrived (???) I don't know why, I just thought this couldn't be it. And I felt bad that D was driving all that way- it was probably going to be hours and hours and hours yet. My weeks of prodromal labor had kinda conditioned me to be a bit of a wet blanket. :0#

And then things got intense. My pants started to annoy me, I changed to looser ones...Then my underwear was annoying me...I found bigger ones... Then my socks weren't right...Then I felt a little queasy... Contractions were every 1-2 minutes and I was vocalizing and or crying with each one. I was mainly crying because they were overwhelming and big. And because I couldn't believe that they were real, and my body was doing it! and then I was crying because- what if it wasn't "it"??? I was so happy, and sad, and all over the place and weepy. I stood against the side of the couch for contractions while DH either came to hold me during contractions, or was hurrying to finish getting the tub filled (so glad we did that earlier, when he set it up I was sure it wouldn't get used- ha!).

During one particularly hard contraction I realized my pants felt wet: that slippery warm "oh it's my water!" wet like a few weeks before. I mentioned it to J. Around this time I stopped vocalizing, it wasn't helping me...It was making me want to panic.(J said at this point I was getting up on my toes during contractions and she was thinking that I was in transition)... I started a breathing technique the assistant taught me at Amity's birth... Iiiiin Out out ouuuuuuuuut. I did that 3 or 4 times with each contraction and it gave me some thing to *do* to concentrate on. It also made me feel like the contractions were effective. Like I was breathing out of both my mouth and out below.

Around 4:20 (so after about 20 minutes of the breathing) I announced that I needed to get in the tub, the contractions were all in my lower belly and I was feeling an immense amount of pressure. I got in the water and floated: relief.

My contractions immediately spaced to every few minutes and were a little easier to manage. I suspect I was complete at this point (we never checked) because the contractions changed from being the burning "open" sensation to this awesome pressure in my bum and tail bone. J checked me Piper at points in here...But I was still gearing up for the long haul. I wasn't even convinced I'd been through transition yet...Sure it was SUPER hard and intense work...But I don't know. I guess I was in denial? I just remembered it all being like a freight train with Amity.

I think around 5:00pm - just after D arrived- I felt a massive pressure and need to pass gas (I thought) I tried, and WHOA! HUGE bubble of amniotic fluid came wafting out- so neat! A few contractions later I had the same thing happen, And yet, I still wasn't super convinced that things were really happening (???)...3 weeks of prodromal labor really can mess with your mind. For the most part Ryan was busying himself keeping the water warm. And I think D and J were in the bedroom talking and finishing getting stuff together for the birth.

And I was alone...And it felt so right. Eventually (I think when Ryan told them that I thought m water had really full gone) every one was sitting quietly around the tub. I felt like I was the most boring birthing Mom ever. I didn't need any one, I didn't want any one talking, I didn't need encouragement or coaching. I was just floating in my own little world. And every one was sitting on the edge waiting silently.

Contractions were huge, all encompassing. When I felt one coming I'd lift my self up to a full float in the water and would sway/twist my hips. I'd breath and float and wait for it to pass...Riding it out. I remember wanting to complain that it was really hard and I was done. I remember wishing there was some thing I could do to make it be over. I wondered if I did some thing else if it would be easier. But I couldn't bring myself to change positions. And anytime I tried talking, I'd want to panic. I just had to "Come Away". I started to pray when I felt a big one coming "Jesus, thank you...Hold me...Holy Spirit, show me who I am in you..."

I was just there, and he was with me...He was holding my face in His hands and whispering, "It's okay... Breath... These can't be stronger than you, this is you...this is you....this is you...You're fantastic...You're doing it... Don't think about any thing but this moment. Stay here...You're doing it...You're here, in this moment...this is you... be here."

I might at one point been whispering "it's you...it's you...it's you.." and "oh wow oh wow oh wow..." I remember thinking "I hope they don't think I'm saying "oh ow", it doesn't hurt it's just so big." :giggle

I continued to float and dance my hips side to side, floating on my back, bracing my head against one end of the tub and my feet against the other... And then it hit. This lightening bolt of ...I don't know how describe it...But suddenly I couldn't relax through the contraction- some thing was happening.

At first, I was sure I just needed to throw up "Oh Transition is here, finally!", I thought. (HAHAHAHA) I had 2 convulsions where some thing just ripped through my body and I guess I was grunting. It didn't feel like pushing. Ryan said J and D saw what was happening and jumped up at that moment and started grabbing gloves and blankets and towels. I said, "I think I'm going to throw up" and asked for the bowl. I honestly didn't think I was any where close to having the baby. I rolled to my hands and knees and grabbed the side of the tub and suddenly, I was being turned inside out. Wait, what?!??! I'M PUSHING?!? Oh it didn't feel good. I wouldn't say it hurt, but it felt weird and big and I had no control over it. I pushed and J said "Hannah, reach down and feel your baby's head."

Wait, what? The heads out?!?! There was no ring of fire (though maybe a little stinging?) and I felt her soft fragile little head down there. So soft and squishy. At this point I was scared it would be forever until the rest of her would come out I remember saying, "Oh please get it out!" and J told me I was doing great and to push again with the next contraction...I did and I felt Piper's slippery little body slide out. INCREDIBLE.

When Friendly came out it was so intense and fast I didn't feel any thing but burning and power. Being in the water I could really feel every thing. I quickly flipped my leg over her and pulled her out of the water to my chest. Her cord was so short she barely reached high enough on me to keep her face out and every one was trying to support us up and out a little.

I had been looking forward to that moment for almost a year, holding the fresh new life, it was incredible. After a minute I peeked between her legs and saw what I knew was true: It was a girl. I started yelling "Oh a girl! Girl! a GIRL!!!! Oh Piper Hi!! Oh hello Piper!! Oh I'm so glad it's you!" (we caught all of this on video- I'll hopefully post the birth video soon).

It was perfect, just perfect.

Eventually we got out of the tub- the placenta fell out when I stood to get out. Every one helped me dry off and get set up on the couch. We had a bit of a time getting Piper situated, we hadn't cut the cord yet- and she was still attached to the placenta. She was angry, she wanted milk and it took a good bit of practice to get her to latch on- she wanted her fingers and couldn't understand why food wasn't just coming to her as it had been before when she sucked on her fingers inside of me.

After a nice long nursing session we did the newborn exam.

7lbs 6oz and 20 inches long.

Perfect 13inch head, no molding.

Every thing was perfect.

I had no tears, or even any bruising- I feel fantastic...At one day postpartum I feel better than I did at 3 weeks postpartum with Amity! Though I've been in bed ever since I got out of the shower, and don't plan on leaving for another 6 days.

After the exam I got my shower and got out just in time for big sisters to come home and meet Piper.

I feel like Piper has brought the balance we needed to this little group of girlies, I am so excited to have two big helpers around - and they are both so excited to see every thing she does. We're all so in love.

I can't say how thankful I am for this journey...for the growth...the peace and the gentle, surprising, and just absolutely amazing birth experience. I can honestly say, that was some of the most difficult work I have ever done...It wasn't physically hard like it was with Amity. It was mentally just took every thing I had to stay in that zone with Jesus, my doula. It was the most over powering and biggest thing I have ever experienced. And I am so thankful for it.

I am also just blown away and blessed by the Mamas I've met around the world (thanks to message boards and support groups) who were lifting me up and encouraging me the whole long month. I felt your prayers...And I thank you.


Piper Joy- 4 days old.

41 weeks...

2012-01-23T14:44:00.002-05:00

You now what? Going past my guess date- going a whole week past my guess date-isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Does it suck? Oh yeah...But mainly that's been because of the wicked cold I caught in my 41st week. Having a cold when pregnant is bad. Having it past your guess date? Freaking awful. Having 2 sickie cranky preschooler/toddlers all day alone, while sick, dealing with prodromal labor and so very pregnant? Freaking HELL.

Last week was up there on my list of "worst weeks ever" : It hasn't been the farewell time to this pregnancy that I hoped for...Not relaxing or pleasant at all. That said, I can't imagine how much more miserable this time would be if I hadn't keep so fit and healthy this pregnancy...I've eaten really well...I've listened to my body and heart the last few months... I've continued to run/walk/jog/dance daily through my entire pregnancy and I think if I hadn't stayed limber and strong (I can still touch the floor almost flat handed with out bending my legs- whoa!): this would have been the most miserable experience of my entire life.

As it is, I still think I was more miserable at 38 weeks with Friendly than I am at 41 with Newby.

Okay...it's a toss up- I'm pretty miserable.

And I'm really ready. Like- get this child out of me NOW I'm losing my MIND! ready.

I'm 4-5cm and very effaced, Newby is well applied, and engaged at 0 station (oh yeah)...I started having bloody show on Saturday...and had more yesterday... I'm contracting and they are getting increasingly stronger.

And yet I wait.

Okay, actually I changed my mind ...I am way way more miserable than I was with Friendly. The emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks is wearing on me...Add preggo hormones, getting over a cold, dealing with littles who have been in limbo for over a month (make that WELL over a month)... Yeah this has been hard. I'm ready. I'm done. I'm ready.

Today I try some thing I never thought I would: acupuncture.

Newby, I love you - I like having you in there (really, I love it- I still am not tired of feeling your wiggles- even the painful ones!) ...But time to come out! Mama is desperate to hold you, see you, feel you, snuggle you...I promise we're not as crazy as we sound- and I know you'll fit right in!!!

Love,
Mommie

Birth Art

2012-01-20T13:20:00.002-05:00

I have been reading through Birthing From Within ...It's really good, very confirming that a lot of the work I've been doing this pregnancy (just purely on an instinctual/ as Jesus seems to nudge level)...Before I read her explanations of the birth art "assignments" I went ahead and did my own. It was very interesting to read- after the fact- that some of my pictures resonate with other common themes in these kinds of drawings.

This one is called "Pregnant Woman" - how do you see your self when pregnant?

I drew a tree trunk with my body deep inside this tall ancient deep tree...My legs and my opening are deeply rooted and firm. I am inside the tree. I feel very safe and strong and rooted, supported and ready for the birth ahead.. I also feel very closed into myself. I have closed up my little world and dug in deep. Hiding. Waiting. The colors in my abdomen represent my womb: strong and powerful full of life and hope. My breasts are full and ready...The blue also representing life-giving and nourishment.

The next picture you were supposed to draw how you feel pregnant. I just did this..No real thought, and it was very eye opening.
Pregnancy Journey:

The circle on the bottom left with the small red heart in it represents me in early pregnancy. I didn't realize this at the time but I put 10 big curves in this pathway: 10 months of gestation. The color isn't very good in this picture- so you'll have to take my word for it. But the first 2 curves have a grey film/fog over them..Those represent the fog I felt, the grief from losing our baby in March... And the fog I feel over life in that time due to morning sickness. the reds and oranges represent frustration, anger, the purple represents power and growth, the black grief, and despair...Worry that the journey will end...And at other points in the path- worry that it won't end (especially after the last bend). The yellow represents hope and constant change...The blue nourishment and life. Eventually at the end (like now) Newby fills me, I feel so full of her/him and that is effecting and pushing every thing outwards- changing life from inside out. And then the promise: the black line. This journey ends and 2 paths continue. Birth. Life moves forward

Labor and Birth:

When I think about giving birth I think of quiet....dark... only dim lights. I drew a mother on her hands and knees her womb and breasts are blue: are healthy and full...the purple and red in the womb represent strength and power...The yellow: her baby's life...the red heart, her baby's soul. There is a line attaching our hearts...I made her hair yellow and purple and brown: life, hope, power, grounded...A smile of joy on her face. Her eyes are closed waiting. She is on her knees in surrender. She is surrounded by warmth and power and the work only she can do...But there are life lines going to her heart. The 2 red hearts in the "lights" above her represent the children she already has, connected to hear heart... They are connected to an empty light waiting for the baby to join them on the outside. The 2 green hearts and lines connected to her head (and I would say her soul: :mind, will, emotions) are her birth team. Green represents truth and wisdom: they speak truth and wisdom to her. She feels safe and protected with their voices blessing her head.

The large glow in front of her with the largest heart represents her partner..He has the strongest line to her heart - it crosses the gap the strongest. But even so there is a line that he can't cross. The colors surrounding her represent the warmth, the work and the Holy Spirit...But she alone is the only one who can do this... Alone in her safe place, waiting ...surrendered. Open and willing.

Waiting.

Beautiful Journey....

2012-01-19T13:57:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling crummy today...and by that I mean watering eyes, sneezing, fog zombie head, extremely cranky and overly pregnant.

This morning has consisted of me sitting on my balance ball reading my kindle [fire] (a huge surprise gift from hubby last Tuesday!) and sniffling, snarfing and pretty much letting Sesame Street (via netflix- God bless my brother in law: best Christmas gift ever) babysit. At intervals getting up to do my part: doling out snacks for the kids at intervals, and pretty much begging them not to whine or fight ...here eat this....and this.... oh look more food?

Yeah, not my finest morning.

But in my morning "off" (or my very off morning) I've had time to read over this blog- or at least the past few months- and it's been a joy. I can't believe what 2011 brought me. Literally, in awe of the incredible, challenging, exhausting, beautiful year. I think it brought me the spiritual and emotional growth of any other year in my entire life...And I knew it was just the beginning. Reading over this post, written almost exactly a year ago, wow. I knew God was birthing some thing big in me...And He continues to work: I never dreamed it would be like this. I never dreamed I'd be here. (I never dreamed I'd be so pregnant, just sayin. :0)

2011 brought major life changes, saying good bye to frankly, a bit of a nightmare living situation. And physically moving into the new season in our lives. It brought some super hard big changes for me (and eventually our whole family) when I decided I needed to step away from church...It brought baby Jacob... and losing him . It also brought baby Newby, a very special person who I am still longing to truly meet face to face. And her presence inside of me has brought so much healing, so many challenges, so many blessings. I am in awe.

Oh when I think about last spring, yikes. That was the most physically exhausting, emotionally draining and challenging time. Parenting two little children, every one over extended... Every thing shifting- changing. It all was just so BIG... Ryan and I really both together and separately coming into our own...In how we related to each other, in priorities as parents and partners. We both look back at that time and go "what were we thinking?" and "Wow, God is so good." Don't get me wrong, we still have a long way to go. But God did some big things last spring, rocked our world.. Boats still rocking.

I was reading over painful situations and realizations. Bitter sweet endings to very loved chapters...

It brought learning to embrace me- how my personality needs to parent, in this season...And being OK with it.
(and this)

I feel like any thing I would say about all this would be an understatement. And the girls just woke up from their nap so I need to run. I know 2012 is going to have it's challenges, I am nervous about adjusting to 3 kids. Nervous about how I will find the new balance. But I feel like I'm better prepared because of the gifts 2011 brought us.

And I really have to go... Two little girls sitting next to me on the couch... The big one melting down because the smaller one is singing softly (and expressly to annoy her older sister).

Such is life... here's to 2012! Bring it on!!! (and Newby, that means YOU!)

Still Waiting for Newby..

2012-01-19T08:49:00.002-05:00

And waiting...and waiting... I have had several "this is it" labory days...And then fizzle. Ah, the joys of prodromal labor!

I am 40 weeks and change, and decided to get checked: I'm 3-4CM very soft and thinning well...Baby's Occiput Anterior [OA] which means her back is running right down the middle of my belly. It turns out that my anterior placenta -which we found with the doppler yesterday so cool!- is right in the LOA position so it's hard for baby to lay right there: But Newby's head is "well applied" and s/he's sitting at 0 station (OOOUCH!)... Mama is waddling, tired, hurting and ...I have a nasty cold. Yup! This miserable prodromal labor process just got a bit ( A LOT) more miserable.

And the kiddos have the cold too, which is a mixed blessing... They are both very lethargic and still (ah, and not talking non-stop, I appreciate this) a little feverish- so TV is a great activity and they don't want to go out (which is good because there is no way I am taking them out alone right now!)... But they are also extra clingy, whiny and all the things I hate about when they get sick (read: fighting with each other and extra irrational...Example: Friendly had a ginormous meltdown because DADDY turned on a light for her instead of Mommie. sigh.).

I'm done and I'm ready. We'll see if the brownies I had last night will work...

They're just over-priced gluten free brownies from the health food store...But on the pregnancy board I'm a part of: it's a tradition for Mama's past their guess date to eat "birthing brownies" [nothing special in those either- it's just a silly tradition - and who doesn't need the excuse to eat chocolate???] and climb up on the fridge to bring on labor... Hey, I didn't create these traditions...But some times these things work! ;0)

I think I will attempt the fridge climb this evening- with DH here to spot and document. I hope this baby comes out soon. I'm very over being pregnant. I feel like I've been pregnant almost exactly a year...Insult to injury, really.

Newby, seriously Mama is DONE. COME OUT PLEEEEASE!!!!!

Prodromal Labor...A lesson in taking life as it comes.

2012-01-09T11:24:00.003-05:00

I think the hardest thing about the last weeks of pregnancy, is the unknown. And the most infuriating thing is when you deal with "Prodromal Labor" (some call it false labor, I like to call it practice).

This is my second pregnancy to deal with this lovely process- though I've never dealt with it this intensely. The thing is, with Friendly my contractions were only in the evening. Almost like clock work I knew when they would start and could guess around when they'd end.

This time? Constant. Several good contractions an hour and a constant period-like ache and cramping. I have lots of stuff coming out of me -like early labor- and I can feel my cervix changing (though haven't checked it//been checked- I don't want to know...I'm afraid I'll feel no change: which just puts me in a bad place emotionally. That and trying to reduce amount of contact of things going in there). The late afternoon and evening are definitely the most intense, sending waves of pressure through me that have me vocalizing and making me feel like the air is being squeezed out of me. It's exhausting. And yet, even with the strongest ones, I know they aren't the kind that will get baby out- they are powerful but not the powerful that means I'm on the roller coaster and I'm not getting off with out it ending in a baby.

Which is frustrating.

I've been dealing with this for 9 days now, some days have been easier and less intense, other days I was sure I was nearing the top of the roller coaster ready to slip over the edge and then. *ding* I come out of that zone and realize, my car is still just leaving the gate. It's really hard to keep a good perspective when you're dealing with some thing you have so little control over. Your body jerks you back and forth and in the end: you don't really know how close you're to meeting your baby. Hours? Days? Weeks? It's really unfair.

And yet, with every intense bout of contractions- I find my heart growing...I realize new facets of things I need to work through...From past births, between my husband and I, attitudes and disappointments... letting go...accepting...Preparing for the new season ahead.

And with each day that goes by I (yes, find new levels of discomfort- the joys of the end!) I also truly do get one day closer to holding my baby. I give her (or him) the gift of another day to benefit from being inside...Another day for her little nervous system to develop, her gut to prepare, her lungs to prime and practice for her first breath of life.

For whatever reason, this is the process and the labor my body and heart need. Would I choose it? No. I'm honestly just wishing there was a magic button that takes me to the end. To that moment of snuggling that sweet and wet little body... A magic button that means I can get off the ride completely. But I can't say how thankful I am...For the new perspectives. And for the practice of being intentional to be in the moment.

I tend to live my life with the future- the next step in life tends to be more real to me than the present. I'm always living for what's next. This prodromal labor? I have to be present, I have to focus on the joys of the moment- of watching my belly wiggle with baby, of knowing s/he's in there and healthy and preparing to meet me. I can't live for even a few hours from now or I tailspin into despair.

I will meet my baby... I will finish this ride...It will happen...it will happen...it will happen.

This is a gift...really.

In Which...I Despair

2012-01-08T06:05:00.000-05:00

I'm 39 weeks. And I am pathetic...Or at least, I feel completely pathetic.

I've been dealing with some level of prodormal labor since about 37weeks. I expected that the last weeks would be full of some extra braxton hicks contractions...maybe a few bouts of "practice" labor...Probably even a bit more intense at times- it's what my body seems to do at the end. It's what it seemed to need with Friendly.

But this is ridiculous.

I don't want to go into too many details because I think some readers would freak. But let's just say, I was 95% certain labor was starting 8 days ago. EIGHT FREAKING DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!! And every day since then I have been laboring... Many many hours of the day... Most hours of the day. I've thankfully been able to get a lot of good rest and a lot of pretty decent sleep. I've been able to eat and drink well...Newby has been doing great and getting lower by the minute. I have been able to continue to take my cal/mag/EFA's/PNV's and listen to my body. I've been blessed to get the time alone I need (at least when hubby's not working) and my children have been entertained by the TV while I let my body work.

Besides taking a few walks for exercise (some thing I've done the entire pregnancy) and to get outdoors, I have not been doing any thing to "get things going"...My body has been asking for a LOT of rest, and I've been listening. And given that I'm not to my guess date yet, I haven't wanted to rush Newby- I want to respect this process.

But. I'm starting to think some thing is broken. That this is never ever going to happen and I'm going to go through another 2 or 3 weeks in hell and end in a cesarean birth (which I do not want). Friendly wasn't born with out a lot of work on my part and some synthetic juice (orally) too get things to "the next level".

And I'm starting to think it's just never going to happen for me.

Every day gets harder... The waves get more intense (when I think they can't possibly with out throwing me into transition)...I feel like I'm on my period times ten...Nasty cramping, aching and pain...Hours of "cleaning out"... This baby just won't budge!!!!

I am so done. I wish there was more I could say, but that's it. I'm DONE.

And the horrible part is? There is nothing I can do but wait...Wait and hope this nightmare ends soon.

If there is one comfort in this horrible process it's that I got to finish Newby's late-Christmas gift.

It really is DONE...I took this about 20 minutes before I sewed every thing else on.

And this is what I made the girls for Christmas this year:

Dotty Dogs

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself today with all those knitting projects behind me.

Every thing is done.

24 organic prefolds prepped and ready...Wraps are prepped and ready...

Woolies are prepped... and ready!

Dresser and crib... Are ready.

Every thing is DONE.

Except this stupid pregnancy. (insert little emoticon throwing a tantrum).

And to recap: that is why I'm pathetic. Because I'm not even to my guess date and I've been in labor for 8 days... I feel like crap.

And I'm out of things to do.

I'd be fine to go to 42 weeks if this freaking crap would stop. I'm so done.

Hear that?

DONE!

And yet...I know in a month this will all be a bad memory...In 20 years it will be some thing I gently cast back in Newby's face (oh yes, shaming...In this I will!) "I endured ________ days of labor to bring you into this world..."

In the grand scheme- what's a day of discomfort?

But I'm still freaking done. So freaking done.

Working...Processing. THREE

2012-01-06T04:54:00.002-05:00

This week has been a special week. I just keep pinching myself a bit- could I really be so blessed to have this time?

I've been processing a lot lately. Past births, upcoming changes...It's a lot. And on so many levels I feel like I've come to a place where I can embrace what I am given when it comes to Newby's birth.

I feel so much peace about my birth choices and birth team. I feel like I've worked really hard to grow into this place. To state what I need. And I feel blessed to have a Hubby and a team that wants it to be what it needs to be.

I've been labory all week. Starting on Saturday night and continuing to right now I've been in and out of some intense hours of labor...It's all working me towards bringing sweet Newby OUT. It's been a peaceful exciting week...Some times frustrating. But with each bout of labor, I realize some thing else about this birth and some thing else about the changes ahead...And I can let go or work through things a little bit more.

But I think I'll wait to share all that in the actual birth story (don't worry I've been writing it all down! :0).

Tonight I've been waking up with contractions and I'm feeling close. I am feeling at peace about that. Don't get me wrong, there is a definite part of me that hasn't hit the place of total surrender. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and nervous about the hard work I know that's ahead of me. I'm really excited for things to get "really real"! But I remember what it was like with Friendly- freight train intensity- loss of all control. It was amazing and the biggest hardest thing I have ever done. And I'm scared to climb that mountain again... Actually I *am* climbing the mountain...I'm almost to the top, it's coming down the other side- the part where the breaks don't work and you just have to let go: that's the part I struggle with. It'll be happen, I'll rock it, and come out the other side with a precious new person.

Like I said, each bout of labor I've had- I face some thing else. Tonight I have the number THREE staring me in the face.

Three kids. Three.

I'm nervous. I know I'm hormonal and pregnant and tired from all the work my body is doing to support this baby and prepare for the work ahead. I can rationally think: I won't be 9months pregnant when I am going through these big world rocking adjustments. I'll have milk (aaaah, prolactin is magic). I won't have the same hormones flooding my system...The ones that make me want to hibernate and put all my senses on overload in 5 seconds flat.

I feel sad for the changes ahead. I feel like I enter a different reality when I'm pregnant, become very internally focused- especially the bigger the baby grows. I feel a bit disconnected with my family. I know once Newby comes out it's going to be me coming out too (slowly at first), coming back in ways that I have been missing- for almost a year! I'm nervous about the changes.
Last night I was sitting in my room just thinking, I'm not going to have this alone tome once Newby comes out. Right now my body does every thing hands-free! I am never really alone- but I don't feel like much is demanded of me (well my bladder and blood sugar might have a few words on that...).

Newby is going to be another external force...Another some one needing me. And I feel pretty inadequate...really inadequate. I'm not the person I want to be when I'm in stressful situations. Will we make it through in one piece??

And Friendly, my current baby, she's already being rocked. Her little self knows she's being displaced- and boy, is she making it clear. I wonder- if I can barely meet her needs now- barely comfort her sore and worried little heart...How am I going to do it with my ARMS full of a baby- not just my belly??

I had a really o truly o panic attack about it the other morning. It was awful. Hyperventilating nearly passing out crazy panic attack. Friendly had been awake for hours (?) clawing, clinging, talking about the baby...sharing (in her little 2 yo way) her big feelings about Newby coming. "Daddy hold new baby, I yourw baby Mama...You hold ME." I felt like she was rejecting Newby, and Newby is part of me- and t hurt. I felt like I was just putting this awful burden and change on her- she didn't ask for it. I was so tired - I've had several bad nights where I was laboring and needing to get up to move through contractions... And I didn't want to be with Friendly, I wanted to sleep. I was also being rocked by a few contractions during this time and needing to get up and move my hips. DH was beyond tired and frustrated as well- and his losing it- some thing that doesn't happen often. And it just made it that much harder for me (he had every right to be frustrated...But he's usually so even keel it was making this hormonal preggo Mama panic too!). And I freaked- HOW am I going to do TIHS with a newborn...an infant?? HOW? What if we all went crazy? What if we lose it? What if our kids get hurt? What if they end up in therapy because we decided 3 was a good number to try out...What if we can't hack it?

I know it's normal. I had similar feelings (actually much more guilt ridden and ambivalent ones) when Roo and I made this transition. But it doesn't make it easier. I worry some one is going to get lost in the shuffle. I worry I'll get lost in the shuffle.

The rational and Truth filled voice in my heart says "PEACE, you'll be okay." and I know we will. I know that the first few months will be every one trying out different places, new boundaries, rearranging pieces of our lives...It'll be stretching, it'll hurt some times, it'll suck others...But I know Newby belongs in our home and in our lives...S/he's already such a part of our family- reacting to her sisters voices- waking up when I sing to them... calming when I rub her back (erm my belly). I can feel her happiness and the little jump she gives when her Daddy comes home and kisses and talks to her. I know we're ready...It's time. And spring will arrive, and so will we...As a more adjusted family of 5...Hitting our groove (as much as you can with a baby in the house) and moving forward.

We'll all be OKAY. I'll be OKAY. If there is any thing having two little has taught me it's: step back and look at yourself...It's okay.

There are a lot of other things my TWO littles has taught me, and I'm excited for what THREE brings...Three will be good.

So Newby, Mama's in no rush- I know there is an exact moment you're supposed to arrive...And I'm excited. But I'm also enjoying this process and last leg of the journey with you. You've taught me so much. I love you... Take your time, we're in this together.

My theme song of the week has been "Come Away" by Jesus Culture. I'll share more about that in the birth story...But I'll share the video of the song here.

"I have a plan for you...It's going to be great...It's gonna be wild...It's going to be full of Me...Come Away with Me...It's never too late."

Grace.

Four Years Old

2011-12-31T08:01:00.003-05:00

Our Roo Girl is 4 years old today. It's impossible to believe - can't wrap my head around it.

Mommie at 4 (I had just tied my shoe laces alone!)

Our first picture together

First Birthday

Second Birthday!!!

3rd Birthday!

And this year has brought so much growth!! When you find a task or goal you want to accomplish: you are driven until you master it. We have been so blessed and honored to sit back and see all the things you have taken on this year. You've blossomed in so many ways, no blog post could do it justice!

May 2011

June...

This year brought some thing very special: Friendship with your little sister...You guys have so much fun together!

Late July

Monkey bars- you can get to the 6th one!

And hula hooping! You can keep that thing going for almost a full minute!

A picture from early summer: swingset!

Learning to write letters...

You love to create!!!

Autumn

Mommie's sad attempt at a "puppy cake" for your 4th Birthday

her 4th "Birthday Party"

Happy Birthday Roo Girl!! We love you so much, we are so blessed to have your sweet empathetic heart in our family. You truly are a joy and we don't know what we'd do if you weren't YOU!

Full-Term...The End of a Season

2011-12-28T19:29:00.002-05:00

I'm some where around 37+ weeks and every thing is getting ready to open up to this new season. I can't count how many times I have cried in the last few days. The most exhausting and draining factor has been Friendly, my 28mos "baby". She knows change is coming.

This is pretty much the story of our life right now:

Christmas Eve with my Friendly Girl

She wants Mama, she wants to be near me, desperately so. And she seems to be grieving and processing the changes coming. She kept waking up last night (she had a tummy ache) crying "I yourw baby, Mama...I'm jus a baby...I'm yourw baby, Mama..." Heart breaking. I tell her she will *always* be my baby... But the reality is, a new littlest is moving in to her place and while we're all excited: I feel a little sad to be saying goodbye to my "Friendly baby". I am mourning the truth, that the moment this new little person comes out Friendly will forever more seem "big" in my eyes. :0( Even though she's still so small...I hope it will be a little easier to keep perspective than it was with Roo. But the fact of the matter is: things are going to change.

This morning Ryan tried to give Friendly her morning snack (apples) and she cried (actually kicking and screaming fit would be more like it) and refused to eat because she wanted Mama to give them to her. I wasn't getting out of bed after the horrible nights sleep she had given me, so she came in and got some snuggles instead. I am seriously starting to wonder if she'll un-wean when my milk comes in. Either way, I have a feeling when Newby is nursing Friendly is going to be in my arms too.

And how am I feeling? I'm starting to feel ready... Really, ready. Not that I'm in a rush...Or think I'll go soon. But I have a feeling that this baby isn't going to come in anyway that I plan. :0) After all the agonizing, soul searching, and changes I've made this pregnancy: it's going to be, how it's going to be and I'm along for the ride. And I'm really excited. I don't think I've ever been so excited for a new baby, ever.

Today 37ish weeks

That said, I'm getting uncomfortable. Some time in the last few days Newby has dropped. I went from 36cm to 33cm in measurements and have started to get this non-stop -driving-me-crazy ache in my back/buttocks. And the past 3 days prodormal labor has started...I thought the prodormal labor was bad with Friendly... This time it's prodormal back labor: sooo not cool. While in some ways not as uncomfortable as what I had with Friendly (I had sciatica with her too that was just awful after she dropped) I think I am keeping a good perspective, one contraction at a time. It's a bit frustrating because I didn't get "round the clock" contractions with Friendly until the last week. But I had about 3 weeks of evening prodormal labor that made things uncomfy. This time? Around the clock back contractions (and some low AF-like cramping that sucks) since Monday (I think?)...It's getting old. The thought of 3-5 weeks more of this is a little overwhelming. So I'm just taking it as I can and trying to relieve my back ache with belly dancing and spending time in childspose and hugging my balance ball.

I started taking EPO (evening primrose oil) vaginally the other night, and while I was in there I checked my cervix: it's anterior (quite handy! I'm surprised at how easy it is to reach) and feels like it's thinning out and very soft... Maybe 1-2 finger tips open. I can definitely tell the work my body is doing is preparing for Newb to exit...And it's exciting! But I decided to stop the EPO. I did one dose and the contractions got so intense the next day I felt like I should just wait...My cervix is softening and I'll let it do it's work. I don't want to rush Newby.

I think what is most frustrating (infuriating!) is that Newby is NOT posterior (laying face forward)- for the most part, s/he's been in a great position for birth! It seems a bit unfair that I should be dealing with this increasing pressure in my back when I've been so careful to help baby into a good position. Not fair.

Newby is doing well. Her movements have slowed WAAAY down in the last 24 hours...I have never ever had to do a "kick count" before...But yesterday after an extremely quiet day I was starting to worry. I laid down and ate some M&M's ...15 minutes later: still nothing... I drank some OJ and poked and prodded and even had DH pray for and talk to Newby... Nothing... I drank some sprite...45minutes in I was crying and getting ready to call the OB...When Friendly came in and kissed my belly and said "I wub you, baby Newby." and Newby immediately got the hiccups and started moving all around. RELIEF... But even now she's quiet in there...The movements are those of a baby resting up.

So that's the physical side... On the emotional side I feel like every thing has a taste of "lasts" ...I keep thinking about how much harder things are going to be to do for the next year...All the joys and drawbacks that come with a baby in the house. I'm so excited, so ready... I can't wait to meet you, sweet little Newby.

And I'm going to go get in a ball on the floor because OOOOOW.

Nesting Panic

2011-12-03T09:52:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'm not really panicking. I'm just realizing how soon this baby will be here. I have 5-8 weeks left. Five if I go my earliest so far (39weeks)...And 8 if I go to a full 42 weeks (3rd times the charm, right?). I'm not feeling one way or another if baby will be early or late. I'm almost feeling like maybe later.

Apart from the fatigue of battling a UTI (on antibiotics, sigh), parenting two very active littles, and being 8mos pregnant: I still feel REALLY good. I am so so pleased that I've stayed in shape this pregnancy.

33 weeks. 8lbs gained so far.

And commence my little brag, forgive me, I'm so proud of myself, I've worked really hard to stay active and eat (really) healthy this pregnancy- some thing I've never done before. At 34ish weeks I can walk 3-5 miles (13min miles) no problem (well the BH's get obnoxious). I have been doing belly dancing regularly. And -don't tell- but I can still do 30 Day Shred! Though I modify the "on your back stuff" to hands and knees exercises (pelvic tilts and balance poses)...Jumping jacks are beginning to be uncomfortable after the first few (and Newby protests) so I modify those as well. :0D I can't say how empowered I feel being able to do things I was never physically able to in other pregnancies. I am SO glad I've pushed myself, it was so important to me that I feel strong and ready for labor- and I do! For the first time I feel excited for the process!!

That said, the unavoidable "last month" stuff is settling upon me. It takes a long time to pee because I have to shift around baby's head to get it all out.And I have to go a lot. I feel hot and overheated so easily (thankful it's cold out!). Rolling over at night is starting to become a chore- Newby feels like a giant bowling ball wedged in my pelvis- so glad she's squishier than that!! Also, I've been waking a bit achy in the mornings- ready to get out of bed and move around.
And the lovely Braxton Hicks have arrived. While they are kind of annoying, as they make it feel kind of hard to breath, I am actually really thankful for them this time. They are such great practice to go limp...To be intentional and surrender and relax my jaw (I find it clenched a lot dealing with day to day stuff). They are a positive reminder to breath deeper and sip water...They are PRACTICE for the big day and how I need to react. Exciting to be getting close!!

I hope I can remain this positive and I guess you could say, zen, for the rest of the pregnancy. I don't have a set due date (some where between the 15th and 25th of January)...While I'm secretly hoping for January 12th (the date Ryan and I decided to get married- I think it would be neat to have our 3rd baby on that date 7 years later!) I really don't mind if Newby hangs out in there until ...whenever. I have lots of projects lined up for after the Holidays...I'm really saving all my big nesting stuff until that point.

MY NESTING LIST:
BEFORE the Holidays:

Birth kit and hospital bag
Hospital tour and registration.
Continue cleaning the house neurotically...Randomly decide to scrub all the areas of our home that I know will drive me crazy after baby is born (and I remember with Friendly: nesting didn't stop once baby was born: I need to be able to enjoy my baby with a clear conscience. :0D
Locate all the parts of the crib- so we're not searching or with out it when we are taking care of a newborn and NEED it (we side-care it to our bed).
Locate newborn clothing (Maybe tuck a few things into the dresser so it's there??)
Go over the cloth diaper stuff.
Have at least some muffins and quick breads in the freezer as well as a minimum of 4 meals.
Get a few Size 1 sposie diapers (no point in the NB size my baby's historically out grow them with in a couple of days)
Finish knitting Friendly's Dotty Dog.

Finished Roo's!

AFTER THE HOLIDAYS...IF I have time to kill (okay some of this REALLY needs to happen)

Finish knitting a couple baby hats (fun evening activity).
More quick breads and muffins...Also "smoothie packs" (just little bags of fruit and veggies put together that can be dumped into the food processor with some yogurt)
A couple more meals: mainly GF Pizza crusts and maybe 1 or 2 extra casseroles would be nice.
Put all the newborn clothes in the dresser.
Create a shopping list for "baby week" and hopefully be able to get every thing on it in early labor (extra things I'll want postpartum- and the extra "easy foods" for the first week.)
Locate or purchase, or make all my postpartum necessities...

Afterease for after birth pains
Mama cloth -sew a few new ones
LARGE disposable pads for the first few days + Mama cloth layer
Arnica
Dermoplast (numbing spray for down there- I think I still have some from Friendly...)

I am honestly foreseeing lots of extra time to get all the things done in January...But there is a niggle - that with my "luck"- baby will surprise us in the midst of the Holidays (I'd be 37-38weeks- seems too early!) and I won't have ANY THING ready. Kelly's (or someone!) Law: if you are prepared you won't need it...Especially when it comes to babies! I really want a restful, joyful, and peaceful postpartum time. No hubby baking messes, no extra stress...Just hunkering down and adjusting and enjoying together!

Let the panic attack commence...Kidding... But I do have quite a few things that need to be done soon!

Birthing Prayer...Thanksgiving!

2011-11-28T13:39:00.001-05:00

If there is one thing I am learning about lately- and quite timely I must say (November's end after all!)- it is the power of a thankful heart. Now don't get me wrong, there is definitely a place for lamentations. I don't believe in "fake it til you make it", pretending you don't feel some thing, or forcing yourself to feel some thing you don't. I don't believe you can will God to do things because you put on a happy face.

But a heart of real Thanksgiving is a special thing.

There is also so much beauty in finding things to be thankful for. And a special blessing in pouring out that Thanksgiving to my Abba. I can't say how thankful I am. Really, this is the first pregnancy I can honestly say I've ENJOYED. Sure, it has had some really rough patches. But I am so thankful to have this new little person inside of me. And so thankful for what God is doing in our family. Thankfulness, really does breed thankfulness...And I feel like I'm about to pop with it.

This is just some thing the Holy Spirit has been speaking to my heart. I prayed long and hard about taking the Hypnobabies course. I know several Mamas who have deep faith and love Jesus, and really enjoyed it and benefited from it. But it didn't feel like it fit in with what God has been doing in me through this pregnancy.

I really believe we have - a lot more power over our bodies and our babies than we give ourselves credit for. I believe this applies to all humans- not just Christians. But as a Christian, as some one who has accepted the gift of New Life through Jesus Christ...I know I am redeemed from the curse...He broke it, and I don't believe we have to wait until heaven to enjoy the benefits. I believe they are ours NOW. This is some thing that I'm still feeling out, waiting and praying through. It's not some thing I have all the answers or could hash out...It's just a deep conviction of my heart.

And so, I thought- why not make my own set prayer for this season? Some thing that would affirm God's work in my heart, affirm the things I KNOW about my body...And declare the work of Christ in me?

So I wrote tihs prayer, and I have been praying and declaring for this birth. It's also deeply personal, and I debated whether I should post...And decided it might encourage other Mama's waiting to meet their babes.

And so I share...As with any thing, take what speaks Truth to your heart...And pray about the rest.

My Birthing Prayer.

Abba, Thank you for this baby. I can say with Hannah, "For this child I prayed and the Lord has given me what I asked of Him."
Thank you for the healing you've been working in me through this pregnancy. For all you've been teaching me about who I am in Christ. For the joy you've poured out and the delight you've blessed me with while carrying this precious new person. Seriously, what a GIFT!

Thank you that you are The Word, Jesus. And that Your Word has power and authority in my life. Thank you Jesus, that because of what you did on the cross I am fully redeemed and whole. Thank you that I have control over my body, and that I am not subject to my emotions, but that they are subject to your word! Thank you so much that this is my birth right in you. That you intend a healthy and enjoyable pregnancy for me. Thank you that you, "bless my bread and my water and take sickness from my midst." that you bless every bite baby and I take in and you give me the energy I need to care for my family and myself.

Thank you for this good time, this special season of carrying this child. For the things you are teaching my family, and the ways you are preparing us for the changes ahead. Thank you for good sleep and rest (for you promise your Beloved [me!] sleep!) for drawing me close in the night.

Thank you for wisdom in how to eat, for solid knowledge of nutrition, and that you've made good supplements available to me. Thank you for how you designed my body to work- it's genius! I am your child and my body functions in your perfect design. Jesus, thank you that by your stripes I am healed, and that the curse is GONE! Thank you that this pregnancy will be the perfect length. My baby is covered and protected in my womb where you are forming and fashioning him/her. Thank you at the right time you will carry her safely from my womb, down the birth canal, and into my waiting arms.

Thank you that because I make the Most High my refuge, no sickness, plague, or evil can come near me...For you cover me with Your feathers and under your wings I find refuge. Thank you that you command your angels concerning me to keep me in all my ways. That they lift me up in their hands so I won't even strike my foot against a stone. That they keep me in all my ways.

As I look forward to our birthing time- I ask that you would bless it. That every wave of labor would bring you glory. That you would be exulted in this special time Jesus! Holy Spirit, hover over that time. Bless it soak it with your love. Draw us to you and soak us in your peace. Bless those who are to help us in this work. Holy spirit, pour out wisdom, give eyes to see, and hearts to hear. Let no one walk away from this birth with out being touched by you. Heal. Move. Love on our care providers. May they have the mind of Christ and your perfect wisdom in all things for the delivery. Reign in JOY!

Thank you for Love. For what you have created because of it. Right now, in the wonderful name of Jesus I say fear has no place in this birth. Jesus is Lord and He is LOVE... And His perfect love casts out fear!

Right now, I speak to my body and my baby in Jesus' name. To every organ and system: function properly and perfectly- as you were intended to do from the beginning. Placenta, stay attached correctly, keep giving proper nutrients to my baby through the umbilical cord. Cord, stay in a place where baby gets full nutrients and oxygen through out labor. Uterus, be strong and efficient. You are whole and perfect. Contract well, cervix: open smoothly and easily. I am relaxed and embrace every wave that brings my baby closer to my arms. After the birth uterus contract easily and smoothly allowing for minimal bleeding.
Sweet baby, You were made to be born. At the right time, move into the perfect position for your birth. In a position where rotating down will be smooth and easy. Head resting evenly on the cervix, chin tucked and hands away from your face.

Body, be relaxed and at peace... Work well. You were made for this.

Holy Spirit, I welcome you into every step of the birthing process. Saturate in your love and peace. Surround and prepare us. Bless the girls, touch their hearts and prepare them for the new baby. Pour out your grace and wisdom for Ryan and I as we walk with them into this new season for our family. May our hearts be full of Thanksgiving and our hands open with joy. Jesus- be glorified. I ask all this in your precious name.

Amen.

1Sam 1:27 , Ex 23:25, Psalm 127:2, Gen 49:25, Mal. 3:11, Duet. 7:13, Isa. 44:2, Gal 1:15, Psalm 139: Jer 1:5, Ps. 71:6, Ps. 22:9,10 Ps 91:10-12. 3John 2 , Isa. 54:13, Eph 1:17,18. Prov 3:3,4.  1John 4:16. 1John 4:18. Matt 8:17. Deut 28

Scriptures to meditate on:

Psalm 112:6-8
Surely the righteous will never be shaken;
   they will be remembered forever.
They will have no fear of bad news;
   their hearts are steadfast, trusting in the LORD.
Their hearts are secure, they will have no fear;
   in the end they will look in triumph on their foes.
Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you;
   do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Philippians 4:7-8

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Collecting Silence...

2011-11-14T19:54:00.001-05:00

I wish it was possible. I wish I could grab every moment of it I could find and keep it, and then when I need it pull it out and wrap myself up in it.

I'm starting to get to the challenging part of pregnancy. The part where every thing is starting to feel real. The part where I find myself easily overwhelmed...Sensory things; sticky hands, screaming children, squeaky doors, back ground noise, clothing sitting funny, the baby sitting funny, touch, sight, smell, sound...You know, every thing. Is just TOO MUCH. It makes me want to cry. I feel really cranky and touched out. It's exhausting.

I can't help but enjoy (even with all their noise) these two little stinkers.

Consequently I'm not sleeping too great at night, every night lately has been a bit rough...If it's not the girls having a hard time, it's my bladder (or a combination there in). It could be worse, and I think I've gotten "extracurriculars" pared down enough where we're all getting by. But it is frustrating, many nights lately I'm finding it hard to get back to sleep...Some times I lay there for just 15ish minutes...Other nights (like last night) it's hours. And I need those times. It's the ONLY time I have the energy- more importantly time and space- for that kind of thinking...For the processing...And prayer.

But I'm pretty worn out. I think I preferred all the crazy and intense dreams I was having for a long stretch. Ebb and flow...seasons and all that stuff, I suppose.

This season happens to be my favorite...

I haven't craved many special treats this pregnancy. I actually still have a hard time eating at all. I mean I get HUNGRY, but it's not like I remember other pregnancies being the, "Oh I'm pregnant, I'll take 2 of whatever that delicious amazing thing is NOW...Make it three."
Food, in all honesty, is a pain in the neck. It's some thing I put in me (and I put some really good, healthy stuff in there!) to keep me going...Not much more.

Where was I going with that?

Oh right. Silence, I CRAVE it. If I could eat silence, wear it, wash in it...I would.

The constant talking, questions, noise, questions, noise, questions...and questions (throw in some whining for good measure) have me kind of numb. I am finding the further a long I get the harder it is to keep my "battery" charged. I feel like maybe I am becoming a hermit. Or maybe a Mama bear, wanting to tuck myself in until winters end. I feel like Newby is drawing more from me: even emotionally I am more aware of her...Another part to bring into balance...A new person, who will very soon, be here in the flesh needing love and care.

31 weeks..

I guess I feel like this pregnancy has been so introverted that I'm alienating all my friends...Maybe even hubbers a bit. I keep thinking...Oh I want to text that person...I want to call them and see how they are doing... I should at least FB them. But I'm too...Overly content and busy (inside) to chat much.

I wish I was an extrovert...Charged on talking with people...Charged on being around people. It would certainly make life easier. But perhaps that pity party is for another time.

But I'm not an extrovert...I'm me. And so I'm embracing what I need this season. Stolen bits of silence... Walks alone..naps...and getting us outside whenever possible (and behavior and patience levels will allow!)

Right now...I'm embracing where I'm at: a Mama bear preparing for winter...Soaking up what I need, when I can get it.

Some seasons...It's just really good to be alone...Embrace the silence.

What Do I Know?

2011-11-08T20:39:00.000-05:00

And not in a sarcastic "What do *I* know" kind of way...But seriously, what do I know? In this moment about every thing I'm sorting through- what do I know.

I know that I feel and see a certain new and precious persons feet rubbing back and forth near my breasts.

I feel bumps and nudges and it makes me smile.

I know I love this little person and I want the absolute best, safest, and most gentle start to this only beginning she'll ((let's just use the female pronouns as I'm used to it), ever get.

I know I want quiet, dark, peaceful, respectful, gentle, wise and loving hands and help when I do my work of bringing this precious person into the world. I know I want the absolute absence of fear or rush: on any ones part. I want a joyous birth...I want to be able to be present.

I know the last 4.5 years (counting Roo's gestation, obviously) on this journey of motherhood have stretched me, changed me, and changed me again. And I keep changing...I hope I'll always keep changing. Even if maybe it seems inconsistent, or like I'm not sure who I am (or more what I'm doing- which I totally don't!). I hope I never close up and stop growing...

I know that my Friend and Savior is trying to tell me some thing important...Wanting to open doors I haven't let Him before.

I know He has big plans for this birth. This little persons life, though she'll have her own life story, her beginning is deeply impacting mine...As her older sisters have and are.

I know what I don't want too...

And when I think of those things the fear creeps in...The "maybe I shoulds..." The questions. The things that make me feel so inconsistent...Make me wonder what I should do, for real.

And here I sit. Belly bouncing. Clock ticking... Due date pending...Time nearing.

And I don't really have answers.

The past couple of months have all been about waiting. Am I pushing things off because I'm afraid to think about this baby's arrival? To face the work? I don't think it's that. I'm not scared of pain. It's not the discomfort I am worried about at all. I'm ready for the hard work. My body (I've worked quite hard!) is strong and able. I look forward to that day honestly, I get almost jittery when I think of the exhilaration of the start and the finish. The thought of getting to experience LIFE again. What an incredible moment holding brand new Friendly to my bare chest. To feel her warm wet body rest on the outside of my belly. That precious first moment of our eyes locking and her little yell: she was okay. She had arrived. We had done it.

I look forward to that victory again.

Are the things I feel so reluctant to act on things I need to lay aside? Is it my instincts (or maybe even Him) saying, "that's not necessary... really....that's not necessary at all...Just trust" Or is it my fears? Because some of the things I am putting off won't be pleasant for me. I can't seem to get a full peace either way. So I've been waiting...And waiting...And baby could arrive any where from the next 8-12 weeks.

I need some clarity. And some gumption to know that I stuck to my guns and did the best thing- no matter what.

So I guess all I can do is keep going and hope for another turn in the road...And suddenly I'll see....

In the end, it is what it is, what it is.

Truth.

Perhaps, to dream...

2011-11-08T12:06:00.001-05:00

My kids need to get out of the house. It has been a very long couple of days with Daylight Savings Time ending.

I've been cranky this week. I still feel raw, too many emotions...Too much shifting... Too much to work through. There is so much I'm processing right now, I wish I had more time to think. To BE. To sleep. My sleep hasn't been overly restful lately. It always seems to go that way, whenever I have a lot I'm working through, I do a lot of it in my dreams. Which is good, some times really eye opening. But it makes everything seem exhausting and draining.

Well no more time for introspection: kiddos are down...I need to run and nap too.

This is where I wish I was sitting right now...

Due Date Week...Of baby J.

2011-11-06T18:58:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Baby J's due date. Last week was HARD... The day ended up being sweet some how...Like there was a special grace over it. I did all my crying in the couple of days before - it was like my body just HAD to cry. I'm not one to cry easily, so when this happens it feels strange.

Saturday I woke up to feel Newby jump and wiggle at the sounds big sisters were making when they came in to snuggle with us in the "big bed". I took pictures (last post) of my big round belly...And I think I'm starting to feel ready to move on. Ready for birth again. For this sweet little life growing inside. Not that I'll ever forget Jacob...But this due date has been hanging over my head for months. Not in a huge way. But in a subtle there-ness, I don't know how to explain. That sweet lost baby is always on my heart, especially because Newby wouldn't exist if we hadn't lost Jacob.

And now I'm passed that milestone...And I'm facing Newby's upcoming birth. I've made some big changes a while ago: I switched care providers. I wasn't feeling a peace about using the MW I used with Friendly. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. But instinct just kept screaming "change some thing...keep looking!" So I have. And I have SO much peace about my choice and I'm really excited about it.

30 weeks

2011-11-05T09:57:00.001-04:00

Jeepers it's going fast!!

Projects (Knitting)

2011-11-03T20:52:00.000-04:00

Have I mentioned how much I love knitting? I do.

This is a picture of the soaker I completed last week:

And a picture of my progress...

Newby peeking out there too. <3

My current project...A dinosaur...

Not knitting in the round, just the only size 5 needles I own!

I hope to make a turtle and 2 "hot dog dogs" (all from this awesome book)...The girls especially requested the dogs for Christmas gifts...Need to finish up this dino (my practice at making toys) and then we'll attempt the Polka dot stripey dog. *I* want the turtle...But I think it will be Newby's early Christmas gift....if I get a chance. I'm getting pretty fast but it's hard to find time where I can knit during the day...It's fun to see if I can sneak in a row here and there!

Off to knit!!

Let's Go Back to Middle School..Shall we? And Yes, I'm a bit Nuerotic

2011-11-03T10:22:00.002-04:00

This has been a super hard week. Not because of the usual stuff, the girls have actually been a joy (more or less) to hang out with...Grace.

This week has been hard because of a few things...

1) We had a freak October snow storm and lost electricity for 48 hours. It was cold, it was very exhausting as the girls didn't like the cold or the strange routine (ie, going over to Nana's house a lot, and also not being able to turn on lights [this disturbed Roo especially]). And a certain 2 year old- who hasn't been sleeping well the past couple of weeks in general- REALLY didn't like the very chilly temps in our apartment at night. We didn't sleep very well for those couple of nights. Add to that being 7months pregnant and well it wasn't fun.

2) This would have been Jacob's due date week. And as thrilled as I am to have Newby squirming around in there I can't say how much I miss that sweet little baby we lost last March....It has deeply impacted so many things I've been working through this pregnancy. I miss my baby.

3) A friend isn't speaking to me right now. I was rude...Or more, unclear and I should have just had the maturity to say "I don't want to talk about it right now." But instead, in my sleep deprived emotional state, shivering in my bed with the power out... We got in a convo via text that went awry. It was stupid. It was so very middle school. Not that any thing really rude was said, I mean there was no name calling...I just worded things wrong and we just shouldn't have gone there.

When I think on it, I can't really understand why the question was asked in the first place... Why would it matter how I feel about the situation? It's a call HER family needed to make. Am I sad about the change in dynamic? Yes. Her family is busier now. And I'm a little jealous of the thought of the new dynamic for them: the thought of being able to get outside help would be wonderful! We're stretched to the max right now - toddlered OUT so to speak- but it is what it is...It comes down to choice and consequence: we made different choices and are in a different place in life. That's okay. This too shall pass for us (eventually) It's just some times hard to swallow.
Does it change things? Yes... For me it does.

So to give a bit of background, she put her kids (near my kids ages) in an educational-daycare program 3 days a week. She's had a hard time (understandably) balancing her part-time work (personal business she owns) and meeting her kids needs. I've worked 20 hours a week, nights and weekends, while pregnant and parenting my (then) 1 year old...I did that for nearly 9mos, I get it...Had I had the option to make some changes and get some extra support (in whatever form I felt was right for Roo): I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE. I didn't, and it was hell...I don't wish that on any one. I'm glad she could make these changes. The full-time-at-home-parenting gig is a hard job: add another outside job in and it takes a lot of creativity...And if the option is available to get outside help- do it!

That all said (and where I know it came across all wrong) when kids start preschool, daycare, elementary school...Or heck, church nursery...There is an adjustment period. It's called, sickness. I don't have the benefit of 3 days a week to accomplish things kid-free...I don't get a break except when Ryan is home (and he's been a rock of a Hubby!)... It's not personal. They made a pretty big change in their lives, and that meant I had to evaluate if that would change things for us. At this point in time I am not going to hang out with people whose immune systems are in an adjustment period. I don't want all the colds and bugs with out the benefit involved (kids getting a great little school experience and I get a break!)

In all honesty, I haven't been hanging out with anyone much lately. I haven't felt the need to socialize as I'm tired and have a lot to do to prep for Newby. But we also have other things going on too... Honestly, I am at my limit. I'm stressed about finances (we're scraping by, but we're not exactly sure how: again grace). Hanging out with people costs money (food to share? Money. Gas to get there? Money). If you've ever been broke, living paycheck to paycheck, you understand. It's embarrassing. But I know it won't last forever and I just need to suck it up and do what I need to do right now. This time next year Newby (Lord willing) will be a big bouncing infant and I can start helping financially more...But for my mental health right now, Ryan and I have agreed we just need to keep doing what we're doing and limit extra expenses. That means staying home, washing hands, feeding the kids really well (on a budget, but it's possible) and giving them their vitamins. And avoiding the $70 in copays (combined) involved if they both get sick enough to need a trip to the doctor.

Which leads back to sickness...I can't take any more than any right now. I'm exhausted...My kids aren't the docile sleepy kind of sick kids. They turn into bears...And the whining, on a normal day it's bad, when they are sick it makes me want to scream (and some times I do). And they don't sleep well when they are sick, at least not for the first few days...They get achey and miserable and keep me and Ryan up most of the night... Add to that the stress and worry. And the fact that there are 2 of them...It's not just 3 or 4 days of sickness...It's usually 6-10 days as they go back to back. NOT OKAY right now.

Especially since we're already sleep deprived. We've been trying to help Friendly with her tummy troubles- she's had an xray and been checked out...there is no blockages but she's been in so much pain. So we cut out gluten, and now dairy, and I think we're finally seeing some improvement! But in this process she's been up 3-5 times a night for the last SEVERAL weeks (months?)..Crying about a belly ache...And passing gas like nobodies business. It's been so hard. And it's been a challenge to find soothing techniques with her as she has fully weaned... There is no tried true way to comfort her.

So we are awake a lot at night.

Add a bad cold into the mix (4 or 5 nights of listening to whining and sniffling and dealing with fevers), or a couple of nights up cleaning up vomit...or vomiting myself: that sounds like more than I can handle right now. So to avoid sickies, I've been almost neurotic about where we go and what the girls touch... I make them wash their hands with hot soapy water whenever we walk in the door. And I've been avoiding people who are around a lot of other people (whether it's because they have olders in school, or have their own kids in preschool). Will this be forever? No. It's probably mostly hormones that are making me feel so DONE. Is it personal, do I find these people with lives walking germs? No. But I know I needed to put some boundaries in place, for my health, and that's that.

So I've funneled life down. When my friend asked about the change they made I told her about my worry about sickness...And I guess the long and short of it is that I made it sound like her kids are walking petrie dishes now that they are in daycare. That was not my intent or my point. I have nothing against "school", daycare, or whatever. Though I'm *personally* not a fan of kids being all herded together into small spaces for hours a day- the germaphobe in me shivers at the thought! I know that the kids have fun, are well taken care of, and can definitely benefit if the alternative is being around a stressed-out parent who doesn't want any thing to do with them some days (and any stay-at-home parent who won't admit to having those days is lying!!).

So all that has been nice icing on this horrible-painful cake of a week....A week I've been dreading since March 8th when I lost J.

There are a few other things I feel like I need to write about...Mainly baby and birth processing stuff. But I don't have the time right now...Friendly just hit Roo on the head with a block and they are both screaming...I've spent the last 10 minutes trying to soothe...Need to close.

So all that to say: it's been a bad week. I hate drama. I miss my baby... And a few good cries over the next few days will probably help a lot.

Restless ...At Peace

2011-10-27T16:50:00.000-04:00

Kind of a opposites thing going there for sure. But I'm feeling restless today.

And yet, at peace. After all my months of worrying, freaking out, and working through every thing.. The past 2 weeks I've been feeling very at peace about Newby's arrival. I just don't want to think about it. I mean in a logistical sense...When I think about it I feel excited. I feel like this time I know more of what I'm doing..I'm excited to labor with Ryan...I'm excited that this birth will (hopefully) be much more private. More on my terms (I mean as much as birth can be)... I have grown up a lot since Friendly was born... I feel (and this is definitely probably silly): I feel like I'm facing this work as a woman...Not a scared child.

I still haven't hired an OB. Part of me feels I owe it to Newby to have that all lined up, and that I need to bite the bullet and DO it. I need to go there. I need to face my (definite) fear of planning a hospital birth and dealing with an OB. But I'm just feeling so excited and GOOD right now, I don't want to go there... I feel like an OB would make me worry more about my "VBAC status" than would be healthy. I just want to be. To enjoy being in the 3rd trimester, and to be feeling so amazing. I don't know if Newby is my last baby, but that doesn't really matter...This is my only chance to carry THIS baby and I want to savor it. I don't want an OB's attitude, tests, and pressure (not to go past 40 weeks or whatever)...I just want to be with this baby, enjoy our special time together.

I just feel so ....inhale....exhale..."whatever". This pregnancy truly has been a gift...Even with the hard first/second trimester sickies I feel so strong this pregnancy. So centered.

I'm going on 29weeks...So far I've gained 4 or 5lbs (depending on when I weight myself) and I can't say how wonderful watching the weight gain has been for me this time...I gained 70lbs with Friendly and I felt WRETCHED by the end. This time I promised myself I would do my best to stay under a certain number: because I know that when I go over that number I feel BAD...Not because of the number but because of the amount of uncessary weight that happens...That number is still a good 20lbs away... I think the biggest reason I'm not gaining is because I have gone 110% gluten-free...I finally addressed my HD/celiac issues and I think if I weren't pregnant I would be LOSING weight right now. But since I am growing Newby I'm trying hard to be mindful to eat my good fatty foods with protein and lots of fresh fruits and veggies... Not putting on unnecessary pounds and staying active (I can still run a bit) has helped my mood and overall feeling of well being so much. Newby is definitely growing well in there: the movements are getting stronger every day and it's so amazing to see little feet run back and forth on the top of my tummy.

In other news I wanted to write quickly about my new love, knitting. I wish I had learned to knit years ago!!!! I can't say how it centers me. It meets a need I didn't know was going unmet. I'm a newby (har har) knitter...I tried for years and years...There was a mental block, I just couldn't seem to do it.

But last year I decided that I could to it. I just had to learn.

Here's my first project:

Last year I taught myself how to knit (thank you, youtube!). And it's another thing that I feel very proud of. I really really wanted to get some wool soakers for Newby. My PUL covers are still serviceable (well 3 of them), but I needed more: especially night time dipes. And I love the idea of wool...I love how breathable it is. BUT I don't have $40 to spend on getting even one soaker. But I figured out, I can make them for $4 a piece (thanks to Michael's having woll on sale!) and the project has been fun and stretching for me. I've learned so much...How to knit on double pointed needles. How to pearl back wards. How to graft a seam. How to pick up stitches. Completing these projects has just been so satisfying. I love that I can knit while I hang out with my kids.
I know that I am always accomplishing things, even when it feels like every thing I do is being undone, but knitting PROVES it... I can get to the end of the day and look at the rows I knitted and know "they can't undo it!!". Silly? Maybe. But when you're nesting frantically (cleaning neurotically) and having your hard work undone almost immediately this knitting thing just feeds my soul.

I learned to knit on double pointed needles... SO proud of myself.

Except for the blocking: complete!

finished (except for blocking) soaker #2...

These soakers should fit my 3-6+mos old baby...The next soaker project I'm working on is slightly larger and should fit baby up past the first birthday it's green waist band and leg holes with a brown body. I have some newborn soakers made out of recycled sweaters but I might knit ONE itty bitty one just for fun. My babies (historically) gain FAST (Roo went from 6lbs3oz when we brought her home @ 3 days old...To 12lbs 9oz at her 6 week weight in...And Friendly was 7lbs 13oz at 3days and 13lbs2oz at her 6 week check. Itty bitty stuff doesn't get a lot of wear).

Well children and dishes and dinner call...

Autumn Lovin' Punkin Hunting...A Walk Down Memory Lane

2011-10-15T21:08:00.000-04:00

I have a bit of a problem with Autumn... I love it.

I think it would seriously break my heart if we lived some where that didn't have at least some kind of Autumn. A little chill to the air, a place to hunt pumpkins, some good crunchy leaves to chase. I'd survive...I'd find ways to "create" my own Autumn...But I know, I would miss it immensely.

And since we have it, we revel in it! We celebrate it!! We love it.

I thought I'd take us on a little walk down memory lane of all our (documented) Autumn celebrations over the last five years...

2006:

Our First "Married October" we went to the pumpkin patch and had a blast!

2007 ROO on the way!

Roo's First October! 2008

2009

Friendly's First October!

Great Pumpkin Hunt 2009!

Friendly slept through it.

Add caption

2010!

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AND

2011!!!

Newby's First October!

Here is to Autumn! A reason to celebrate with Orange and silly faces...And to family traditions in the making.

VBAC Journey...Continues

2011-09-28T11:29:00.000-04:00

I haven't been wanting to think too much on every thing. I haven't made a decision about an OB... The one I met with was great. But ...waiting for peace to take the plunge. I'm 24 weeks, time is flying. And yet, I wait.

I've been thinking a lot about what this pregnancy has brought me. I don't think all the questions I'm asking myself are because a friend lost her baby. The Mama that it happened to isn't even a close friend. I am closer to mutual friend who walked through the whole thing with her. A lot of this year has been us asking ourselves and each other, what and whys. Processing what it means to have a scar on your uterus (as we both do) in this area of the country. What it means just for birthing our babies in general. Having had a cesarean increases your risks, having had multiple (as our mutual friend had) can cause even more problems, even (in some cases) in future surgical births...Having had a VBAC (as we both have) reduces our risks. And yet...

In the end, I don't think this is really about a fear of some thing happening to Newby. A lot of it is the attitude towards any VBAC Mama (in the area. We are a pain in the OB's necks, a liability on many levels. While research backs us up. While research says: yes VBAC is (generally) safer than repeat surgery (and each successful VBAC = decreased risk). While research SAYS: VBAC is really almost as safe as any other vaginal birth.

We are still marked.

Some times we are shamed for considering a VBAC. Many feel coerced into surgery and choose a repeat with much regret. Because the OB's feel they can control surgery more (they can't). The mainstream medical community has pushed VBAC mamas into regulations and restrictions in how and when we birth. They don't understand what surgery (especially if we had a traumatic first surgical birth) means to us. Add to all those frustrating factors, we are complicated Mama to care for. We have hang ups, questions, our labors tend to be weird and charged with emotions, especially with the first VBAC.

I don't really think HBMW's in the area really get it either. While I think many understand more of why VBAC is a safe and an IMPORTANT option...And many support and fight to support mothers. I don't think they get (unless they have a scar themselves) how "marked" Mom's with scars feel. Especially if we have been interviewing OB's and shamed for even wanting to attempt a VBAC. Or told horror stories before we make a decision. Or told we can VBAC and then have "reasons" why we can't at term...Leaving us scrambling to find the birth we know is right for us.

It's not just this nice process of choosing a care provider. It's about feeling fully supported. Feeling safe. And feeling like we are doing what's best.

I think what I've struggled with the most is the "IF some thing happens...Can I live with the choices I'm making?" As a VBAC (even as a 2VBAC!) I feel an extra burden to be sure that if some thing goes wrong I made choices that protected my family. It's an ugly climate where I live...I can make rational responsible birth choices...But I also have to protect my family...I have to be sure I'm not putting the liability on their heads.

And at the same time, if I feel some thing is RIGHT for me, I have to do it and I have to live with it. I can't worry about whether people would "blame me" if I made certain birth choices and things went wrong. I have to cover my bases and embrace the fact that life is life. LIFE HAS RISKS.

But this birth, I am feeling the need to be careful...To walk cautiously...To make different choices. I feel like we're just one or two really bad births away from some thing nasty happening in my area. Whether it's fair or not, rational on the part of the medical community... Doesn't matter, Newby can't be that baby. That I am convinced of, so I keep processing.

What will end up happening as far as my birth choices go? I don't know.

7th Heaven

2011-09-27T09:03:00.001-04:00

I was laying awake last night after Friendly came into our room....And thinking.

Why can't life be like the TV show 7th Heaven?? You know like, Reverend Camden introduces me to this elderly woman, "Maggie", who is a "shut in". But in reality, is just horribly shy and lonely since her husband died 15 years ago. And she is embarrassed of her messy home. I with my two adorable children, and my awesome organizational skills, help her clean and repaint her home. We take her from hoarders to homey and clean.

We become best friends and her house is our second home. She always wants to watch my children, and my kids love her. Whenever we come over she makes me go lay down for a bit and she always has great books to read. A few days a week she pops over for tea at our house and cleans my kitchen. While she's there she does crafts with and reads to my children. I get to do whatever I want, knit, sew....All in peace and quiet. Oh and when we're at her house, she always bakes cookies (she learned to bake gluten-free just for us)! And her back yard is fenced in and the kids just run out there and laugh and play for hours. In the end, because of our friendship, she becomes a pillar in the community and healing is found by all.

Doesn't that sound nice?

I want my freaking Maggie.

The reality is, the only real help I have is my wonderful husband. The truth is, I feel isolated and overwhelmed a lot of days. The truth is, we can't afford help, at all. The truth is, my family is all too busy for my kids...And the ones that aren't, I don't trust to leave my babies with. I have a hard time trusting any one with my kids. Everyone is pro-spanking and really haven't' been around toddlers much to know what the reality of that is.

Another sad reality is, 7 out of the 10 children in both Hubs and my family were sexually abused when they were young. I'm not saying they would hurt my babies. But I will not be careless with my most precious gifts...I will not allow their sweet little souls to be wounded the way we have watched it all play out with our siblings.

But Maggie would be okay, my instincts say so. Why can't my instincts be on my side in reality?.

Anyway, when I do ask for help from family it usually comes with some shaming attached, just for good measure. Especially if I do some thing they don't like a few days later. The "I did ________ (bla bla bla) for you...I did __________ (bla bla bla) for them, why would you not __________(go to your grandmothers birthday party....for example)."

It's not worth it.

This is kind of a depressing post. I've been really overwhelmed with my kids lately. It's been nearly 2 months since DH and I *BOTH* had some time off (and not just the brief time after the kids are in bed) and we're feeling worn out.

So I will dream of Maggie, and pray for some revelation of what I need to change in my perceptions and attitudes....And maybe I need to start attending some college-age/young adult bible studies and befriending some younger, single, people who can at least come over and be a buffer some times. :0.

Maybe...kinda kidding?

Oh if only this were 7th Heaven...And yes, I watched that show in high school...

Just because it's good to remember...Things will...eventually...be brighter up ahead. :0)

Dry Spell...FLOOD...Birth...Unschooling Ponderings

2011-09-22T13:34:00.003-04:00

How is that for a loaded title?

This summer was weird. It was dry dry dry and HOT until about late July. Every thing was suffering, not growing well. And then it rained, and rained and rained and rained. And a few hurricanes in, and several rainy weeks. And now the area has had to deal with some serious flooding and damage

And some times, in that funny way that randomly happens, my little life is on parallel.

Yeah, okay little dramatic. But I feel like January through hmm... July were dry. Hard...grueling months. Not all bad, some sweetness...some bitterness...Just too much on my plate, too much happening. I felt so dry...uninspired and drained.

And now FLOOD.

I feel like I'm on "process this" overload. I am so excited! And feeling so befuddled. And AGH! I have so much I want to say, to know, to DO, so BE...I really want to get back to reading and thinking.

But slow and steady... taking it as it comes: when I want to rush, dive, and KNOW NOW. Instead, I'm taking the kids to the park as much as possible....Reading more... and waiting.

Trip to the park yesterday... Apple slices on the bench.

And when I get an inkling...feeling it out. Which leads me to a little update since a few have asked...

Newby's Birth: ??????????? I have no idea where, or how, or who, or any thing with this baby. It is honestly, a little bewildering. A lot bewildering. I am 23 weeks and ?????? Time is not going to be my friend for long.

I am a person who likes to have a plan. A person who knows (generally) what she wants and usually sticks with it (in the past to my determent). I am stubborn and if I know what I want and can't have it I can be kind of a bitch. At the same time, some times I'm too flexible... Also to my detriment. My life the last few years has been finding balance. But finding balance and listening to my conscience, and when you don't have all the factors in place: it gets messy.

I have felt out so many scenarios, interviewed or reached out and talked to so many OB offices (and a few OB's), tossed around so many home birth ideas... Felt so many emotions...Sorted through so many big feelings (and I'm sure I have more to process). And here I sit with a great BIG "?" and all I can get is *crickets*...Okay not just that His voice through has held an undercurrent of, "Shhh...Peace. Take your time. It will fall into place.Do NOT rush."

I still want my answers. But I think that's the thing with this sweet little Newby... I need to learn to take the journey as it comes. Slow and Steady. I really truly believe, it will fall into place. I'll know, and it will work out.

I refuse to make decisions out of fear... Or shame... Or haphazardly!

In other news...I've been reading, a lot.

Books that travel with me right now...

Well, they also make a good table for snacks...

Learning All the Time
How small children begin
to read write, count
and investigate the world, with out being taught
By John Holt

Also

LOVING these books. I am working through them and I really recommend them, even just to think outside your box...They resonate so much with my heart, validate so many things that I have felt for Roo.

Our little "school times" have evolved over the last 2 months... It's been so fun to read with them, to really make a more focused effort to not just "expose them to literature" but to make my love of books some thing we share... Not just my "me time" activity. It's been so interesting (and maybe this is just where she is at developmentally) to see Friendly's appreciation and interest in books grow. She goes off into her room, or snuggle next to me in bed, with a pile of books and "reads" to me. Also as I've been reading my "big books" I've been holding her and reading out loud, letting her take my books and read from the pictureless books as well. Roo too, has been really enjoying sitting down and going through a pile of books.

The TV has been on less...Though I'm not really opposed to it's presence.. It's been so fun though the last 2 months to watch how their play has grown. It gets more and more creative! Some of this, is honestly Friendly being more on level with Roo developmentally. They spend hours having "adbentures" and using the most random things to enhance their play (their favorite objects being, clothesline, jump ropes, stuffed animals, card board boxes, pillows, blankets and random kitchen utensils).

I want to write more about these books as I process. I would like to talk about unschooling and what I think it will mean in *my* family...And that's what I love about it. NO 2 unschooling families are going to look even remotely similar....I will definitely be processing this here a lot.

Just for now I will leave you with a few quotes...

This is my objection to books about "teach Your Baby This" and "Teach Your Baby That". They are very likely to destroy children's belief that they can find things out for themselves, and to make them think instead that they can only find things out from others."
-John Holt

There are SO many things that I learned about myself in his sections on reading and counting. I feel, almost like some things clicked for me. I saw myself as some of the children he described and realized a little more about how my brain works. I've been enjoying it.

"unschooling not a life to be hurried, nor is it neat and tidy."
-the unschooling handbook

"it's about the journy. Not a paragraph definition."
-the unschooling handbook

So much more to share...eventually. Intrigued, challenged, and ready to feel this stuff out!

A duck playing on a rock... deep.

Autumn Shifting...Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-21T17:55:00.004-04:00

(Pictures from Monday)

Ruts...And Creativity Overload

2011-09-20T14:22:00.000-04:00

We've been in a bit of a rut for a LONG time. Some of it is Pregnant Mama... I was feeling so puny and tired for so many months I was just trying to keep every one...ya know, alive.

But that has past, and a weird sort of nesting energy has taken over. I want to CREATE! And Roo apparently does too, because all she wants to do is side walk chalk:

They were cracking up because Daddy made them a hopscotch and couldn't understand what was wrong with it (incase you can't see it's the miniscule little thing between them! :0)

Friendly drawing on her tights, love it! Can you see our chalk city? It goes WAAAY down the path. If they look tired, it's because they were! This was the end of 3 hours at the park!!

I have been looking for some new projects, things that we can do when we're stuck indoors. I am hoping to blog about the process as we tackle them

And now I have a new "To Do" List (but the fun kind!)...And I wanted to share some things that have been inspiring me...

On my list:

Make a Light Box ... This on my list thanks to Play At Home Mom look at their awesome Light box Activity Ideas!

A "Sensory Swing"! Roo especially loves to swing, needs to swing. I have been talking about an indoor swing for year...And this winter I am determined to rig SOME thing up. With Newby on the way I need as easy-for-Mama indoor activities I can get. I need some thing that will be calming and also give them a bit of a work out.

We currently live in an apartment and so drilling holes is pretty much a no-no but I found THIS on amazon the other day and it got me thinking...When I was researching "make your own sensory swings" these bars came up: wow expensive! What's to say the amazon pull up bar wouldn't work? Going to have to think on it. Honestly, as long as my kids are the only ones on it, and the swing is low to the ground...

I did see this STRAP SWING which might be nice.

INDOOR SIDEWALK...I have never seen this officially... But I'd like to take a couple large cardboard boxes, cut them apart so they are easily stacked( and can slide behind furniture) get some chalkboard spray paint and some velcro...And lay them out on the floor and connect them with velcro and let the girls have at it with side walk chalk. I think this will be a Christmas present. :0)

That's it for now. The girls just woke up from nap... I think we're going to try to make some salt dough projects....Maybe it'll dry up enough to do more side walk chalk. I'll be back when I get to start some projects!

Oh Joy of JOYS!!

2011-09-15T19:18:00.003-04:00

We have a saying in our family... Let's just chalk it up to Hubs being erm, unique.... It's been going on since Roo was a baby.

Whenever we'd pull in to park, to anywhere, he'd exclaim, "We're HERE! We're HERE! OH JOY OF JOYS!!"

The girls have picked it up...The minute we turn onto our street some one always pipes up, "OH djoy of djoys!!!!!" It's a little family tradition.

I've been thinking of all the "strange" little family traditions we have created.

From "Oh Joy of JOYS!" to "private baths" The girls like to take baths with the shower curtain closed while DH stands on the toilet "raining" water down on them from a watering can (yes, we've got some quirks!).

Or how our LittleTikes picnic table is used just as much for boating expeditions (flipped upside down0 and a doctors bed (because you can push it around easily) as for EATING.

Other things like "FOLLOW DA LAWS" and "Squished Muffins"

Ah, good times...

I need to run. I'm at a coffee shop getting some MUCH needed peace and space. Too much rain in Autumn for this Mama.

In VERY Happy news...After 4+ months of being a one-vehicle family our mini-van is repaired and working: OH JOY OF JOYS!!!!

No seriously nearly 5 months home with 2 small children + morning sickness+ an extra 1.5 hours of driving on the days I took DH to work.

OH FREAKING JOY OF JOOOOYS!!!!

Speaking of Family Traditions and Autumn Rain....I can't wait for this again!!

The Law...Is LOVE.

2011-09-13T22:48:00.002-04:00

It's getting very late. This preggo is almost a pumpkin. Fact.

But I had to share this little tid bit before the orange takes over...

I've been revamping my blog the past few days... I've had some "light bulb" moments lately and I've been rehashing some things.

I wanted to be sure this got posted (*ermcough*seethishubs?*cough*) because it is definitely another light bulb "AAAH FREAKING WOW!" moment...or process, whatever.

From my "WHAT I BELIEVE" section. Check it OUT!

Like I said "process"...But might give you some things to chew on.

Authority...Whereas, Wherein, I am a GROWN UP!

2011-09-13T15:20:00.001-04:00

At my favorite place yesterday...

I met with the OB today. He was very kind and never condescending. He answered all my questions in a frank and honest manner. I think I liked him.

I've never hired an OB before, and I never dreamed I'd hire a man... I have always preferred the midwife model of care. Especially the fact that most MidWIVES tend to be women, for my womans care. But I'm almost feeling like I need a male voice in this birth.

Reading between the lines of our conversation with a hospital birth with him: 1) it comes down to the hospital staff there that day. 2) If I want some thing I need to SAY it... The hospitals like cookie cutters.

Pretty much, if you want to be outside of the box, you're going to have to be vocal about it.

When I asked him about a few things on my mind (testing for gestational diabetes, and constant fetal monitoring in labor) he said, "I can't force you to do any thing. I'll work with what I have from the decisions you make."

say what? whoa.

Roo gave me my voice. She showed me my true heart (the one hidden under years of "people pleasing" and fear). She asked me to do things differently, outside "the norm". She confirmed some hard lessons, nailed them in hard:

Listen to your conscience.

Friendly made me use this knowledge...I had to walk it out in my actions (having a home birth, for one!). I went from a woman who was scared to admit her true feelings... To a woman who embraced them, and vocalized them. I have gotten much stronger in the last 4 years (heck, the last year!).

My children's births have shaped me. Changed me. And their little lives are a daily flint, sharpening who I am.

I can say (LOUD AND CLEAR!) "I don't like that!", "STOP IT!" (and yesterday, when Friendly tried to bite me in the butt [you read it right- a hug from behind...erm went awry!], I said it LOUDLY!)

I can. I have a voice.

But I still struggle with people pleasing. Especially with people who I perceive being in authority. After all, Doctors are GROWN UPS... They like, went to medical school and have a very very grown up jobs.

Oh wait, that grown up thing? I have kids.

I'm a grown up too.

And with that realization, another thing Newby's fresh little life is bringing me:

I am the final authority on me, my body, my person. *I* am the authority.

ME.

Newby 22 weeks...

Newby, I hope you realize how precious you are to me already. You have taught me so much about myself. Your first leg of life has been physically, spiritually and emotionally challenging for me. But I wouldn't trade you, or this journey we're on together, for the world. You are a gift.

In all my ramblings on VBAC...On my fears and hopes for this birth I don't want to lay too much on Newby, or on myself.

This birth will be what it will be.

Maybe the birth will stretch me in new ways.Probably, birth by it's very nature is all about STRETCHING. But what new spiritual depths, maturity, experiences, and or revelations it brings well...Again, It will be, what it will be.

It doesn't have to look a certain way (though I am hoping for a happy one!).

All I know, right now is that Newby's presence is growing more than my tummy.

I love you Newby.

Birth Plans...Journey to 2VBAC

2011-09-09T09:48:00.000-04:00


Our sweet Newby (facing down with spine along top...You can see her ear and hand on her face and another foot [or hand?] up near her face). Not the best 20 week u/s pic we've ever had, but sweet just the same!)

I'm going to have to keep this brief, I think. Right now I'm sitting with stomach bare and Friendly talking to the baby. She keeps wanting to be wrapped in her blankie and snuggled with her cheek against my belly to feel Newby. She's needing a lot of extra snuggles lately. I think she's getting her two year molars and has been extremely temperamental.We've been having a rough week.

I have an appointment set up for next week to interview the OB I'm interested in. I am really excited about exploring this option. I feel like it's an integral part of my healing process from Roo. Planning a Hospital VBAC. Whether I achieve this, or go down this path fully...Time will tell.

I've been looking through the ICAN Pregnancy Resources to get a feel for what I'd like to ask him. It's not so much what I care what he says, it's the vibe I get in the meeting. Can I trust him?

I think my biggest fear in this process is that I'll have over estimated the great things I've heard about this OB. I'm scared he'll be just like all the other crap "mainstream" providers I've come across. He'll condescend, lay out extremely restrictive "rules" for VBAC, and then sprinkle a few dead baby, lost uterus horror stories to end the meeting (I've literally had this happen TWICE).

I'm afraid I'll cry or stutter. I'm afraid we won't click. I kinda feel like this guy is my last hope in finding what I'm looking for in OB support. Really, every other office in the area I've called during this pregnancy (and there have been several) has left me with a terrible feeling. The lady I talked to on the phone the other day was WONDERFUL. Kind, and understanding. She didn't bat an eye (not that I could see her) when I told her I'm 20 weeks with out prenatal care. She was even understanding of the kids SCREAMING in the background (literally Roo had a sore throat by the time she finished that freak out session) and was just KIND.

And as a side note, why do the kids always do that the minute I start and important phone call? I try to set us up for success for these things (give them snacks, put on a DVD, explain I'll only be a few minutes and they need to be quiet etc) and they always go south! I try to avoid phone calls like the plague right now. Phone calls mean they will immediately either have an emergency that CANNOT wait. Or they will commence murdering each other.

Anyway, I don't have this "pie in a sky "idea of what he'll expect of me. I expect constant fetal monitoring. I expect (possibly) a heplock, I expect several things that don't appeal. There are only a proverbial hills I'm willing to die on, and those aren't them.
But I want to hear what his "policy" would be in the case of a non-emergency (where I'm not under general anesthesia) cesarean would look like. I want to explain how traumatic Roo's birth was. I WANT TO BE HEARD! And I want to hear what he would do differently. I want him to be part of my TEAM (and from what I've heard of him, I think he will take the mentality of "team member" not "ALMIGHTY OB"). I want to know I can trust that if I or the baby need a surgical birth I will feel safe, cared for, and respected. That I will NOT under any circumstances consent to certain ways of doing things (arms strapped down for one!). I need to have that understanding over all the other crap I might have to put up with (given the setting).

Ideally, he wouldn't bat an eye about the fact that I've had a cesarean (because I've had a successful VBAC already). In my ideal scenario he'd be responsibly cautious but not fear-driven. He'd let me have my way on every thing (hey, I'm being ideal here!).

Ideally he wouldn't be a stressful option at all. I'd feel supported and covered.

I want to have my ducks in a row this time. I want to know that should some thing be out of the ordinary I have been responsible and made choices that protected Newby and I as best was in my power to do so.

I feel like a big part of healing from the pain, betrayal and disillusionment I went through with Roo is fully exploring and remembering. Preparing and planning this hospital birth scenario. Will it go as I planned? Most likely not, birth never does. Is it worth the time, effort, and cost? Absolutely. I have to do this. I have to pursue this. I have to KNOW I am safe. Friendly's birth, under the stress and emotional mire I was stuck in: TRULY a miracle. My body can't birth like that again: it was a trauma of it's own.

I'm ready to face some old ugly memories, face them, and do what I can with what I have. I want to find real healing.

Embracing Grace...AKA "Some Times You Really Do Just Have to SUCK IT UP"

2011-09-07T13:14:00.004-04:00

It's been a ....lot lately. I feel like -oh I'd say- about a YEAR ago I hit my limit. I mean it. And I have blown off the roof of several stories of the "this is my life" building since.

My ideals and my reality haven't meshed. It hasn't all been misery, but it hasn't been...well, ideal!

I think there is some thing about your kids getting older and having them out number you (which only takes 2!) that makes you realize: you're never going to be the parent you want to be. It's a hard pill to swallow.

Mommie and her 4 mos old Roo Girl.

Those lofty "I'm going to be ___________ (an awesome, organized, well disciplined, gentle, kind and empathetic, cool) kind of Mom." was easy to believe when I just had Roo. I could do it 8 times out of 10. My feelings of failure (and actual failures) were pretty low in the grand scheme. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all ice cream and apple pie. She was not an "easy" baby! It was HARD. It was more work than I could have ever imagined! But if I were to compare it to a game: I was catching on and winning. The gentle, organized, present parenting thing wasn't too hard. She was just a baby after all!

Then Friendly arrived. I had a whole boat load of outside stresses (I really look back on those stresses and wonder how I survived: seriously!), but when it came to "just parenting" aspect I felt like I was doing okay. My kids needs were met, it was a lot of sacrifice. It was a lot of work. But we were making it. I felt like a good Mom.

And they grew....
We're all very different people. We all have different ideas of how thing should BE. Their little ideals are different than my ideals. Balancing life three ways gets messy. Add Newby into the mix (as, even now, her little needs add a glitch in things too!) and it gets to be a bit chaotic.

This morning was the definition of "I hate my life". I feel so western, selfish, ugly, and horrible to feel that way. After all: life isn't ideal. But I have 2 healthy, gorgeous kids. An amazing healthy third miracle growing inside of me. An over-the-top amazing supportive and incredible husband. A wonderful home (that we live in ALONE!!!!) with all the comforts I could ever ask for. I have good food to eat, clothing that is comfortable and looks decent, and so many hundreds of small blessings that I don't think I could fit them in a book. Life is simple, but it's a gift.

And yet I focus on what's wrong. I don't think I'm a pessamist....but okay, I probably am.

Money is really tight and we're still trying to figure out how things come even every month (it is God).
My list of "what's not ideal" would look like this:

Ideal would be... Having 2 working vehicles in pristine condition that never ever get messy (I'd take just having both working at this point). That would be ideal.

Ideal would be not having a cesarean scar on my abdomen.

Ideal would be 200% job security for Hubs.

Ideal would be knowing how ends are going to meet, at all times.

Ideal would be LOVELY.

Ideal doesn't exist.

This morning was ugly. It was the kind of ugly where (after losing my temper and making every one else miserable and wishing for ideal) I locked the kids in the apartment (I could hear them) and sat outside the door plugging my ears and taking REALLY deep breaths (okay, I really didn't want to hear them: I guess if they were killing each other I would have heard the dying shrieks in time to save them, maybe).

Breath in....breath out...this sucks....breeeeeeeeath in......breeeeeeath out.... breeeeath....breeeeath...breeeath. THIS SUCKS!!!! Why can't my kids be happy? (ideal). Why doesn't the van work? (ideal). Why do we have to struggle so much? Why can't money grow on trees? Why the heck did I chooses THIS?!? (staying home with my kids). Should I make some changes? Oh yeah, great move, right smack dab while growing another baby. Why am I always so frustrated, why can't I be the Mom I want to be.

And the truth (ugly or beautiful, hard to say) hit me. I can resent and run from my reality. Or I can be present and accept the grace to carry through.

Life isn't ideal. It's okay. to say it! But suck it up...Or you'll miss the joys. Some times (mot of the time!) they are hidden...But they are always there waiting for you.

So I went inside, apologized to my amazing kids. And we went for a walk in the rain.

Roo dancing up a "River"...

Friendly concentrating so she doesn't lose a boot!

How could I ever miss the amazingnes of THEM?

We called this being a "puddle patter"....That made us all laugh when we tried to say it FAST.

REALLY deep puddle, we played in this one a LONG time.

We found mushrooms in a neighbors yard.

Roo saw me walking with my hands in my pockets and discovered what a cozy treat it is.

Friendly caught on as well

The drain grate with the "water down dere" was very interesting.

Today I have a new goal. Stop looking at where I'm falling short of my ideals. And accept the Grace to find where reality really sits. My ideals aren't the be all, end all. They are just, ideals. Reality is what matters.


These imperfect, amazing little rain buddies ARE my reality.

Crawl

2011-09-06T16:28:00.002-04:00

Having a horrid day. It's pouring. It's been raining for days. And I've dealt. But I'm done dealing. I just want to run away. I just want to crawl out of my skin. Like seriously rip it off and LEAVE it behind. I'm feeling a bit hormonal, truth be told.

I need some perspective on my life. Because the monotony of parenting toddlers the GOYBness and the constant interruption to the most asinine and yet important task. Oh and speaking of asinine: the questions!! The 1971093780 questions within every hour. The constant talking. The overbearing aura that reeks "I am the center of the universe". The constant THERE ness of these beautiful (yes, I can still appreciate it even in my ugly mood) little people.

The combination of it all is driving me INSANE...

It's been a bad day. A hormonal "I've been too stressed out trying to sort through every thing" kind of day. Little bodies won't stop needing to be NEAR me, on me...Cold clammy feet, sticky hands...rubbing....near, there.

I'm DONE. I hate coming off a 3 day weekend. It makes me crazy.

I need 5 minutes with out being asked for food. Or for some thing to do. Or for help wiping a bum. Or a complaint about some thing the other did. Or for ME.

And that is all.

And the great news?

It's supposed to pour all week!!!

hooray!!

Leaving My Options OPEN...

2011-09-05T19:44:00.004-04:00

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster. I have not been able to find peace about any thing when it comes to providers.

I loved my home birth with Friendly. But I don't know, I have felt since shortly after her birth that I would need to do things differently if we were to be blessed with more babies. I don't know why...But it's just been there. When I got pregnant with baby J (the baby we lost in March) I thought I might use the MW group in R that deliver at a free standing birth center. They were great, they handled my miscarriage care and monitoring. They were very supportive.

But when Newby made her(?) presence known a few weeks later, and I realized I would be carrying and delivering some time in January or February...the thought of driving an hour in the winter sounded scary. Not just the laboring the car for an hour. But the fact that you have to leave the birth center when the baby's a couple hours old sounded awful on so many levels. I just kept thinking, THAT new of a baby out in the freezing winter air? No.

It didn't seem right for Newby...
. But I scheduled a prenatal with the MW's and they sent me to a local lab for a 10 week u/s for dating (there were some questions due to the loss). BUT they couldn't see me until 18ish weeks into this pregnancy!! I wasn't happy about that. I felt even less peace about that option.

I called a few other OB's in the area and their receptionists were CRANKS. Gave me immediate pause and a niggle in my gut. I ended up hanging up when they left me on hold (one time for several minutes).

I called my MW with Friendly and we met and had a great first visit. And while I didn't feel a full peace, I felt more comfortable.

But I can't shake the need for back up. My instincts are screaming that I *MUST* have it this pregnancy. Not just back up, but that maybe I need to really think long and hard about home birth. That my options need to stay wide open to hospital birth. Maybe it was my friend losing her baby last January. Maybe it was the loss of sweet J...Maybe it's just what Newby needs (though I pray all is well in there, and she has given no indication of any thing being wrong)...Or maybe *I* need to be there. I don't know, but I need to have that option available, I need to plan for it. I need to loosen my grip on my ideal and love of home birth and seriously consider a hospital setting...Some thing I never thought I'd ever consider agaiin.

So, I met with an OB (as you probably read about my horrible experience there) who I was even less impressed with. And if I'm delivering in hospital, I'm not doing it an hour from home (where that OB has privileges). BUT the hospitals nearest my home are off limits as well: I have had too many traumatic experiences there (watching my Dad fight brain cancer, driving him to daily cancer treatments, late nights in the ER and ICU with him, traumatic cesarean, as well as a week long night mare hospital stay for myself when Roo was 10 weeks old). It's just not an option.

A friend just told me about Dr. K...I need to say this here, I would not plan to use him as "back up" for home birth. I'd plan on using him as primary. I don't feel honest secretly planning a home birth...A home birth would be the back up plan: if I were in labor and felt my instincts say we were to stay home: we'd be prepared. But if I were to hire an OB that would be primary. I need my options to be open, and if that means no more [mention of] home birth, and protecting my care providers from the powers that bind (both MW and OB) than I'd make the adjustments necessary.
This OB (from what I understand) is apparently very pro-VBAC and just his website and looking through his philosophy just filled me with so much peace. The most peace I have felt in a long time. He delivers at a hospital 20ish minutes from home...And if this initial idea and the peace I feel is an indication: well I am going to have to feel this out. I would hope to keep my MW as a doula and have her monitor me at home when baby-time arrives, I'd want to stay home as long as possible and see how I feel when the time comes... But I'm really considering some thing I never thought I would.

I have a lot to pray about.

I want to feel safe this birth. I want to have all my bases covered. I want to make the best decision for Newby, she deserves to have all things considered just as carefully (maybe more so) than I did with Friendly.

I really needed to process all this. But I probably won't be discussing birthing plans any further. If People ask I'd say I was planning a hospital birth, because I am... If we ended up with some thing else: that's our business. But I really needed to write all this out. Wrap my brain around it. I have really struggled. I don't want to act out of fear. I want freedom. But I also ignored my instincts with Roo, I should ahve changed providers like the niggles and the questions kept indicating. But I stayed with my "super pro-natural birth-everybody raved about her" CNM and I ended up with a terrible experience. I am so thankful that terrible experience ended with a healthy baby... I would hate to ignore niggles and end up with another terrible experience and a hurt baby.

I have a lot of fears to work through, and I'm taking steps to work through them. But my biggest one is feeling trapped and "HAVING" to do things a certain way because I have no other options (pretty much the story of my labor with Friendly). I believe in home birth, I think it's great...But I really do believe this-kind of VBAC Mama would prefer a middle ground...Maybe even a hospital birth. I would prefer to be welcomed and expected at the hospital. To have a relationship with an OB I like and respect... And should I end up laboring too long at home, and being okay with that, I'd like to have that covered as well.

But in the end, I want to do what's right for me...Even if it seems complicated, or even not exactly what I (or others) would necessarily expect of me.

VBAC Angst.

2011-09-03T18:16:00.000-04:00

VBAC (Vaginal Birth After a Cesarean) is such an individual thing.
Some areas of the U.S. it's an accepted and encouraged option, easy to find support.

In other locations no one really VBAC's. It's just expected that since you had one cesarean, you'll always give birth that way. Hospitals out-and-out ban them.

In still other areas you are told you can "absolutely VBAC". But the area is so hostile towards VBAC no provider will take you on. Even the provider who did your cesarean. Yes the one that told you "VBAC no problem!" as they wheeled you out of the OR (it happened to me).

On the hospitals part they don't say you can't VBAC. But they have extremely restrictive policies in place for both OB's that "allow" trial of labor, and Mothers who ask for one (ACOG's guidelines for VBAC).

In still other scenario's an OB will say, "ABSOLUTELY I'll let you VBAC." But then some where after 36 weeks they'll pull a "bait and switch". An ultrasound is ordered and the baby is proclaimed to be "too big" (ultrasound measurements can be off by a couple pounds either way!) or the pelvis "too small". Or they will suddenly come up with other reasons and suddenly become very concerned about the "horrible dangers of VBAC". They may even discuss some uterine rupture horror stories. They refuse to allow a trial of labor "given the new information based on the ultrasound", and mother is dropped from care if she refuses to schedule the cesaren (know your RIGHTS they can't do that!).

I'm not just saying this, I've personally (as in, in-person!) heard from many many women who suddenly find themselves reeling because they thought their VBAC plans were set.

My Situation... AKA MY ANGST!

I, unfortunately, don't live in a great area for VBAC. Had I known the heartache and disrespect I would be exposed to in order to have a normal birth, I sure as heck would not have consented to the first one so easily (and my hospital records say "ELECTIVE cesarean"....
It was most certainly not posed as "elective" at the time. They told me Roo was in danger. Though looking back I knew in my heart she was okay...And being more informed now, knowing what I know about fetal heart rate: she was FINE. Her heart was dipping down a bit during contractions. But it was recovering WELL and the whole time was with in "safe" ranges. Had they turned down the pitocen the heart decels would, I am certain, not continued- and who knows what would have happened?).

Hindsight is 20/20.

In my neck of the woods there are two names behind the hospital campus' in my area. These names (and teaching hospitals) are driven by deep (deep) pockets and a lot of politics.
The powers that be, do not approve of women who want a natural birth (and what I mean is low intervention: no augmentation, no anesthesia etc). Natural births 1) tend to take longer 2) make it harder to monitor/control what is going on ie., the staff actually has to be in the room interacting (gasp!) with the mother more often: not just watching the fetal heart rates from the nurses station.
Now, that is not to say the staff at these hospitals don't care, or aren't kind people! Most of them (in my experience) are working hard and very caring. But these maternity wards are big, and busy. With a lot of mothers and babies to be cared for. Not to mention, there is a lot (of money and grief) on the line if some thing goes wrong. Which means having a Mother labor off monitor (so, not strapped in bed to a monitor. But moving freely with only intermittent checks on baby) and laboring on her own terms (walking around and staying out of bed) complicates the cookie cutter care they want (and need) to give, if there are many mothers in labor. (For more on this: Check out The Business of Being Born)
So that's just natural (low-intervention) birth. Add to that VBAC (can we cue the dun dun duuuuuh). VBAC, like all birth, does carry some risks. But not nearly as many risks as repeat cesareans (also this). Each woman needs to weigh the option that is right for her. And support and care should be given to her no matter what she decides is best for her situation. IT SHOULD BE ABOUT THE WOMANS CHOICE NOT POLITICS!

HOME BIRTH...
Back in the 1980's, I was born at home. Into the hands of my Daddy...Surrounded by family and caring midwives. I always thought I would like to have a home birth some day. I strongly considered it with Roo, but didn't know how to find a home birth MW in my area. I did look, but all the MW's websites said they didn't deliver in or near my city (and I hate making phone calls if I can help it, so I never tried calling to ask). I figured I'd try it with my second baby...That I wanted to have "been around the block" with this birth business before doing it at home.
Then I had my unexpected (unwanted) cesarean. I tried to get a VBAC friendly provider but she more or less dropped me (after telling me some lovely VBAC horror stories) at 10 weeks pregnant with Friendly. I found a wonderful home-birth MW who was willing to believe in me, and my body...And was nothing but encouraging through my pregnancy and long labor. I loved my home birth, it was wonderful. I am hoping and planning for another beautiful (safe) and successful home birth for Newby. But I don't necessarily think home birth is the safest option for all VBAC Mom's.
If I could change one thing (and really the only thing) about my home birth experience it is the fact that I don't feel safe transferring to the hospital in my city. I don't like the fact that because of prejudice in my area (against VBAC but also home birth) I can't get ANY back up care if a transfer is needed. I'd have to show up and get whoever is there.
I believe *I* am a great candidate for a HBAC for several reasons (not to mention I have had one already), I am healthy. I have no per-existing conditions. I am active and eat well and take great prenatal supplements. I am mentally healthy and have a wonderfully supporting partner and trained birth team. And also an important factor: if I needed to transfer, I am literally 5 minutes from a big awesome hospital with a great ICU and NICU. I don't plan on needing a transfer, I pray that all goes smoothly.
My problem? It's the hospital with defacto bans against VBAC. A hospital that has made it clear that they believe that home birth is dangerous (despite several studies that prove otherwise). Because of that, I fear for how I would be treated. I hate that I do not have a relationship and understanding with an OB at that hospital. I fear for how my body would be cared for if I went there needing help. I fear that my baby would not get the quality care it deserves because of the decisions I made for labor or birth.
So, if a need to transfer is becoming apparent, I would have to transfer to a hospital an hour away to feel (and perhaps BE) safe from prosecution or abuse (to me or my MW).
I don't like being shoved "under ground". I'm really not all that renegade. And I resent the fact that I can't have the full-care (a relationship with supportive OB) I want and deserve.
I resent the fact that I will always be "A VBAC" (AAAH!). It doesn't matter what studies prove that the risks of VBAC decrease with every vaginal birth you have. Birth has risks. But it is also a NORMAL and NATURAL process (especially when you leave it be!), it is not a "accident [or lawsuit] waiting to happen".
And so lays my angst. I want a home birth. But I want supportive back up care. I want my desire to labor at home to be respected. I want to be treated as an adult who has researched and made the decision that I felt best *for me*. I want to be able to transfer to the hospital and have my decisions respected and supported. I don't appreciate showing up for a prenatal appointment (that I never got) and instead be told horror stories and warned that I very well may die because of my stupidity.

I feel angry that I ever had that wretched first cesarean in the first place.

And there it is... And nothing is probably going to change for me...But I am going to spend the next 20 years making sure it's different for my daughters.

That's all.

Finding Center. Priorities of Parenting as ...Me.

2011-09-02T18:51:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting few months. This pregnancy has made me want to turn inwards more than any other pregnancy before. Maybe it's because I'm parenting two verbal and very relational young children (aka not one baby 12-19mos old like last time!). I've really been distancing myself from social activities, just trying to BE as much as possible. And I've been feeling guilty. I have great friends, I feel so blessed to have so many kinds who listen to me and share with me. Who are real with me. Add to that, I do love people. But I can't be around them right now. I feel like I either say too much, and can't filter myself. Or am processing too much internally and have nothing to share at all.

This blog post from Simple Gifts really gave me a lot to think about. After reading that, I don't feel guilty anymore. This is what I need to do right now.

This part especially I realize, I have been embracing

-Don't over-commit. Especially if you're a relational introvert, don't commit yourself to more interaction outside your family than you can handle. A couple of outings a week seems to be my limit as a mom of smalls, unless, of course, I'm just hiding in a corner of a coffee shop with a book by myself. I have a few close friends that aren't counted as "outings", because they're more like family.

At this point: maybe one outing a week is all I can handle. I get home from even just a short time with friends and I feel like I need to sit the kids in front of the TV for 2 hours (or try to) just to recoup....Some times I do it. And it's just not worth it. My kids need me right now. So we go out alone, I sit alone and think while they play and chatter to me in bits. It's what I need, and that's okay.

Also THIS POST on INFJ's blew my mind!

This part is like some one took every thing I've been learning the last few months and put it in a neat little HELPFUL nutshell (Thank you SIMPLE GIFTS!)

Really, in my own life, bringing the reasons for my anger to my awareness is key. A lot of the reasons I feel the urge to blow up are due to my own expectations, which are built on my own issues. My expectations are what I need to take responsibility for course-correcting, and when I set aside purposeful time to talk about it or self-reflect, usual become apparent really quickly.

Once those unrealistic expectations bubble to the surface, I ask myself: Why is having this met SO important to me? What need is it meeting? If I can identify the need, I can often get it met in a healthier way, outside of that intense moment, so that when the trigger for a huge, angry justice reaction to my children arises, it's much more easily manageable.

Why is this so important? What do I NEED here?

One of my big triggers is being interrupted. I live in a house full of extroverts. Hubs is a BIG "E", Friendly is an "EEEEEE" (oh so in your face at this point) and Roo... Has a very outward way of processing things: I can't decide for sure if she's an E or an I...I'm leaning towards a small "e" as she does tend to get cranky when she doesn't get enough time one-on-one: she thrives on that...But she doesn't exactly love group activities.
Anyway, I get so annoyed when I get interrupted. I mean it is understandable I have 3 other very social-seeking people in my immediate family: being interrupted is LIFE. I can handle the little things: stopping what I'm doing in the dishes to fill up a water sippie...Dropping what I'm working on to get snack the first, second and third time in two hours. But as the day (or week depending) wears on my frustration builds. And then I blow. I yell, some times I cry, I stamp my foot and (yes, shame) "WHY THE HECK CAN'T YOU WAIT ONE SECOND?? I deserve a SECOND TO DO WHAT I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF!!!!" Often times this gets spewed alll over hubs. Sometimes, unfortunately it's all over my kids.

-I need uninterrupted time to process.Not always possible in the time lengths I some times need when I'm going through a lot.

Another trigger is when I've cleaned some thing and it's a mess 30 mintues later... I can let this roll off my back a few times. My biggest Love Language is "acts of service" When I have some thing extra in my tank to give, I GIVE. I love to clean up for them...I love to do some thing that will make life easier for them, more enjoyable a clean house is one of the ways I do this. (And I gotta say Dr. Sears wasn't kidding when he said an organized house = an organized mind: my kids are SO much happier if I can keep things moderately less chaotic). I love (okay not LOVE) but want to show my husband I love him by cleaning out his car, or washing up the pots and pans he messed up baking for us (an act of service that blesses me). It's when my "act of service" is walked all over in the form of two toddlers who could care less that I just cleaned up that freaking tub of toys TWICE in the same day...
Friendly doesn't care (and she like to clean up), she is just SO proud she figured out how to open those "child proof" tubs: DUMPING, spreading, hiding and in general whatever-she-calls-playing, ROCKS her socks!

-I need to feel like the atmosphere of our home is orderly. Disorder, random unexpected messes, and extra work drain me. I appreciate acts of service: it fills my "bank" so I can keep the "clean cycle" going.

So I think my list of needs, would be very similar to what she shared in her blog post.
At this point would include:

Need for time alone to process
Sleep
Exercise (this really helps how I sleep and it's a good time for me to process things as well)
Quiet or at least back ground noise that isn't asking for my attention.
Physical Space
Limited Commitments Socially

*Order* (especially in my visual field): especially when I'm tired, worked hard, and don't feel like I have a lot to show for it. Straightening up just one corner of my home can make me feel a lot calmer.

Will these always be met perfectly? No. But I am excited to have processed this, have it written out and I plan to come back soon. And with that I close.

Let's Just Hash This Out So I Can SLEEP! Sensitive!

2011-09-02T04:34:00.002-04:00

We saw our sweet Newby today at the "20 week" ultrasound. Newby's perfect, measuring right on. And, it's just ONE baby! Phew. I would have loved twins, but glad that's not my cross to bear this time around.

Aaaaand we don't know what Newby is. I'm guessing GIRL because Newb was being such a modest thing. Sitting breech with bum super low, Legs and feet all tucked up protecting that area. That's how Roo and Friendly always were... All the boy u/s's I've ever heard of they're always flashing the goods.

Time will tell.

So the ultrasound was weird. I couldn't enjoy it. The tech was maybe in a bad mood? And I couldn't see very well. And Friendly kept throwing tantrums. The whole afternoon felt kinda weird and off. Maybe it's the INFJ in me.

Or maybe my instincts knew the other shoe was about to drop.

We met with the OB I was told was very pro-homebirth and has acted as transfer back up for my MW before. This OB ispro-home birth. She is NOT pro-VBAC, I don't care what she says.

The whole visit was awful. The words "you die", dead baby, prosecution and a whole lot more were brought up. I can't even tell you how angry and blindsided I felt. It's an hour drive home, I cried most of it. And I'm not one to cry easily.

I was expecting her to say, "I can't be official back up. But you can have your MW act as doula if you have a hospital birth" (which is more or less what she eventually said, kind of). I was not expecting the dead baby card to be drawn so vehemently. The "you are such a selfish person, putting all 'normal' women at risk because you want to VBAC at home... When you or your baby die (it was literally phrased with that annotation], your MW will go to jail and then a lot of good women will lose the awesome opportunity to home birth and have great prenatal care, because of YOUR SELFISH CHOICE."

And that's not just the gist, that was almost literally what she said...

She also went on and on about how the more births you have, the weaker your uterus gets, and the more likely it is for you to rupture. Ummm...That goes against EVERY (well documented) VBAC study out there that says that with each VBAC you have your risk of uterine rupture go DOWN (and with every cesarean you have, your risks rise dramatically...And a cesarean is just a mostly controlled uterine rupture, come on!!!!!).

She also talked about "stretched out uterus'" and how they cause mal-positioned babies. And then looked down at my ultrasound report and said "ooh and look here, baby's BREECH!"

At 20 weeks you are really trying to pull the breech card??? Seriously? baby was just kicking me in the ribs a few minutes ago...A foot was just rubbing on my hip bone 5 minutes ago: the baby's is only 10inches long! COME ON!!!!

The OB said she would ABSOLUTELY "VBAC you" in the hospital. But she couldn't condone HBAC, no and if or buts. I asked her what her policy is on VBAC: what would I have to deal with. "Constant fetal monitoring, that's it. Other than that I make the calls."

Literally said, "I [she the almighty OB] make the calls."

NO. *I* make the calls. I am the Mama. I have the instinct. I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. *I* MAKE THE CALLS!!!!! I don't need a freaking savior in an ugly white coat...I already have One, and He dresses way cooler.

And you know what? I'm not naive, maybe I was with Friendly (okay, I know I was...but I needed to be). I have worked closely with ICAN for 2 years. One of my best friends heads up the Mid-East region. I've heard horrible things happen. We've had, in our local chapter, babies die. Some of the deaths at the hand of horrific surgeons (cut the cord before baby was out: brain dead baby), some because of placenta issues(increased risk after having just one cesarean) causing full-term still birth, inept MW ignoring obvious signs of placental abruption: baby gone.

I've seen it. I know it happens. My heart breaks for those Mamas. And honestly, those scenarios: my worst nightmare.

But that's not going to stop me from doing what I feel is right for *THIS* baby. And if that's a hospital birth, I'm THERE. Heck, if it's even another cesarean I'd do it in a heart beat. But I don't think it is. I think it's a home birth. I think it's the safest place for *me* to give birth.

It's 4a.m. and I'm awake. I'm awake because I was remembering. I was crying remembering the moments before and after I became a Mother.

I always felt like those who compare their birth experiences to rape to be a bit dramatic (no judgement meant, just how I felt). I don't any more. I was thinking back to Roo's enterance in the world. I feel raped.

I have flash backs to that moment lying on the table and my throat closes up. I can still see the clock on the wall so clearly. It's what I think of when I remember her birth. The clock ticking. Me waiting. Trying to pray. Trying to breath. Praying it would be over NOW. Praying for my husband to come to me. To be able to breath. HORRIBLE pain in my neck, shaking.
I think back to how bruised and battered I felt. How robbed I feel. How scared I was with my arms strapped down and the weight of my baby being pressed downward on my lungs. Of having my lower half exposed to a bunch of strangers, people I didn't know. I couldn't see what they were doing to me. I couldn't see or touch my baby. i didn't get to hold her until she was hours old. She was so scared when they pulled her out. And I couldn't go to her.

That was a defining moment in my life: I had become a Mother.

And I'll never get it back.

We were watching Orgasmic Birth last night. I needed some good birth mojo after the horrible OB meeting. The last Mama they interviewed had been sexually abused as a child and raped in college. She shared her story of going from a victim full of fear: to realizing in labor, that she was a POWERFUL woman who knew how to give birth. I have never experienced that extent of abuse, I can't imagine the things she faced in birth. But her story resonated with me more than any of the other profiles.

Friendly's birth really was healing. It was realizing "I am a WOMAN. I have a voice! I have power. I am freaking incredible! I am STRONG." It was transforming. It has transformed me as a person.

But it didn't erase my fears.

And the meeting with the OB yesterday only confirmed how strongly they are still rattling around in there. Skeletons in my closet. It was only confirmed to me yesterday that the medical community, no matter how many VBAC's I have (and stuides show, the more VBAC's you have the lower your chances of complications are), I will always be seen a a leper.

But laying in bed tonight, crying at how unfair this all is. I was thinking over what I'm learning in this journey with Newby. I'm learning WHO I AM. Not what outside people label me as. But Who I am at the CORE. Who Jesus made me to be, WHO He is perfecting me as. Him.

I'm NOT a leper. My scar does NOT define me. My body works. It's made perfectly. My baby knows what it's doing, it was made to be BORN.

Yesterday was horrible. I had to relive some very unpleasant memories. I had to face some fears I thought I had put behind me. I can live as a victim, I can feel afraid and sorry for myself. Or I can stand up and be who I know I *am*. A woman who can give birth. Who has given birth. Who believes that I am called to do this thing, and God wouldn't lay a call on me that I couldn't answer.

Friendly's birth killed the lie that I was broken. I think Newby is going to be the story of my learning who I really am...It's not about where I birth, how I birth, it's about following Him. It's about glorifying Him. It's about me knowing who I am...Not what my fears have made me, not what my past experiences have brought me...But who I am.

And with that. I close. I need to get some more sleep before the day starts.

Two Minutes in the Mind of a Two Year Old

2011-08-27T14:20:00.000-04:00

FOUND HERE

Scuse the langugage...

Each of these “emotions” lasts about 3 seconds.
I wanna play with Daddy’s phone.

I wanna put on Mommy’s shoes.

GET MOMMY’S SHOES OFF MY FEET NOW!

I wanna open and close the thermostat.

I wanna turn on and off the light on the microwave.

Is there anyone here with a phone I haven’t played with yet?

I NEED TO PUSH SOME GODDAMN BUTTONS.

I wanna pick up the cat by it’s head.

I wanna throw all the toothbrushes in the sink.

HOLY SHIT I’M STARVING.

CHEDDAR BUNNIES.

I HATE FRUIT.

I want out of my chair.

I wanna play with the iPad.

I wanna go outside. No, I wanna turn the heat on.

I wanna take my pants off.

I don’t like the shirt I’m wearing.

I wanna play with Mommy’s phone.

I NEED TO PUSH MORE BUTTONS NOW.

I’m thirsty.

No, not for that.

Yes, perfect, juicebox. I’m gonna squeeze this damn thing all over myself.

Where’s Daddy?

Where’s the cat?

Where’s Mommy?.

SERIOUSLY WHERE’S MOMMY!?

Oh my God I think Mommy left forever.

Ok, there’s mommy. I want to play with her phone

Hungry again. Never mind

I just remembered not liking these pants. Get them off.

STOP TAKING OFF MY PANTS!

Wow, I’m starving. I want peas but I don’t know how to tell anyone.

Finally, peas. I like throwing these.

WHY DO I STILL HAVE THESE PANTS ON?

Oh look, a new person. I wonder if they have a phone.

Im tired.

IM NOT TIRED!

I wanna go for a walk but I don’t wanna go outside.

No, not inside either!

I need to push some buttons right now.

I hate this diaper.

My eyes itch.

WOW! Is this my toe?

STOP TRYING TO TAKE MY PANTS OFF!

I hate these pants.

This shirt itches.

I’m tired.

Stop asking me if I’m tired.

Where’s that toy that goes beep.

I wanna take a bath in my clothes.

Put on my favorite song.

Where’s the cat?

What is UP with my shirt?

Did I just hear a dog bark?

YOU DID NOT JUST TRY TO TAKE OFF MY SHIRT AGAIN!

I wanna see a dog.

No, not OUTSIDE! I wanna see a dog inside.

Is my penis still there? Good.

I peed.

I’m bored.

The Rundown on Maternity Leggings...And Making Your Own For $11!

2011-08-24T13:40:00.001-04:00

Maybe you're into leggings...maybe you think no one who is pregnant should wear them...Maybe you think no one (that that means no one!) should wear them.

I've never been a big legging person. But decided this winter, they beat living in yoga pants and always feeling like I'm in my PJ's!

I went to Target earlier this week and found a nice Kamino style dress (to join the other too-short-to-wear-past-28-weeks maternity dresses I've gotten on clearance in other pregnancies). And I started looking for pregnancy leggings. I can't just wear normal leggings: the elastic rolls down my round belly and sits -quite unflatteringly- under my cesarean scar. And any elastic on my sensitive pregnant belly is obnoxious.

So my search began.

Target has them for $22.00-$25.00 (and oh boy do they feel like heaven!!!). But given the material... 1.) It didn't breath (it is 100% synthetic. Some cotton is some thing this preggo wants, even in the cooler months!) 2.) it seemed like they would wear fairly quickly...But perhaps not.

And if you're wanting to shell out that money: get them! They are seamless and have I mentioned that they feel like HEAVEN? They do.

Gap has them for $30 and Motherhood Maternity for $20sih The cheapest I could find were from Forever21 for about $11 but the had rouched bottoms...not my cup of tea. And you have to pay for shipping and handling. blegh! Also worth mentioning, the top didn't really seem any different from regular leggings. Those would totally roll down under my c/s scar, no thank you.

I wanted $10 leggings that I could be comfy in, ones that I could roll up over my belly when I'm huge, or fold down across it or beneath it if I like.

So I made my own. I went to walmart (yup, walmart) and bought a pair for less than $6.00 I also bought this $5 seamless cami (they sold them individually at my walmart) from there. I took them home and the pictures tell the rest...The whole converting process took 10 minutes.


lay pants out.

Cut off waist band.

lay out cami evenly

cut off just below back straps/edging

tuck pants (right side out, don't flip them inside out or any thing) inside of cami and line up back seam with the middle of the tag (NOTE: I don't mind the "tag" showing when I wear my leggings "unrolled" :I have a shirt/dress over it anyway: but putting leggings together this way the tag will be on the outside when you wear it unrolled...you always have the option of cutting the whole cami off below the "tag" so it's not an issue...But I found it helpful for keeping things lined up)

pin the front seam and the back seam evenly with the front and the back of the cami, and then pin- as best you can- all the way around...The cami is smaller/tighter than the leggings (in most cases) and so it will be hard pin: you'll have to make allowances for that when sewing.


Start at the back seam. Be sure that as you sew you keep the edges lined up as much as possible, if they curl certain ways they will be on the "outside" when you wear the leggings unrolled.

use a small to medium zig zag stitch

Because the cami is slightly smaller pull it tight as you sew so it's "as big" as the pants. This will keep you from having excess fabric (legging part) when you make your way around and are at the end of the seam.

All done!

It sits nicely up over my belly- no rolling.

And with a dress. All ready for my body to grow as it needs to (in comfort!) and for the cool season to begin!!

You can obviously be pickier about colors (getting them the same or with less contrast)...I like contrast and I really don't think I will ever wear a shirt short enough for it to be visible (yes, I'm sure the public thanks me!).

So there you have it! All you wanted to know (and way more!) about how to meet your maternity legging needs.

Weaning ...In All It's Sweetness

2011-08-23T19:23:00.000-04:00

Yes, sweetness.

I've been reflecting on my two weaning experiences and feeling thankful. With Roo it happened too soon- for me. I was heart broken that my milk was gone, that it had become painful, that our time was being robbed by this intruder (new baby). She was my first, she taught me what it is to nurse, to give in ways I didn't know I could give. But the milk was gone, and her interest waned. We nursed through 38 weeks of my pregnancy with Friendly and at some point in the last weeks, she stopped. She still wanted to snuggle at my chest but she was done. She never really looked back.

I think, as with so many things in her precious little life, my experience with Friendly has sweetened my memories and my experience with Roo. Again, I was surprised at my ambivalent feelings towards this new (oh so wanted!) baby. Pregnancy dries up my milk. Pregnancy makes nursing unbearably painful (for me). Pregnancy makes my breasts ache while nursing. Pregnancy though I grieve at the thought: seems to cause us both to wean. To accept the new life on it's way, well before we will hold it in our arms, and play with it's feet, and coax smiles from it...Pregnancy is the process of acceptance. And Friendly and I have learned to accept so very, gracefully, joyfully, simply, and unassumingly. She loves to hug my belly...She talks to baby -shouting through my belly button. Sings sweet songs and kisses rubs and snuggles. It's brought so many sweet memories back of Roo during this time.

Weaning has been sweet, bitter at times...but mostly sweet...Sweet and slow. Friendly still asks occasionally for Mommies milk. The occurrences are happening in the "every few weeks" stage now...Though she's "nursed" a couple times in the last few days she mostly just latches on for a moment and then pops off and gives me a giant hug. She says "milk come back wif new baby." or "I done." and I think she's almost there. She's fully potty trained now and it seems she's leaving all baby things behind forever.

It feels so strange to not be changing diapers. It feels so strange to not be nursing some one all the time.

But I'm enjoying this time... This lull.

We have "the big" 20 week u/s coming up in about a week. I don't know whether or not we'll peek at the gender. I'm waiting to see how I feel in the moment. The biggest surprise will be to find out who is in there. There have been some serious questions about twins the past couple weeks. At 19weeks pregnant I am measuring 31weeks. My belly is huge, and I haven't gained any weight yet this pregnancy (another oddity). I am so excited to find out if we will be welcoming one blessing or two in January. Time will tell...I will not obsess on here of all the "this is why it could be twins" because, I really don't know. But I hope all is well in there and I can't wait to meet this little person...Can't wait!

Gratitude...Relief... Hope...

2011-08-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about "Sarah" a lot....Her name came up at a family gathering recently and I felt that twinge of sadness.

But I also felt a lot of relief. The divorce was final earlier in the spring, she got the house and splits custody. The kids are adjusting to the new "normal".

Sarah's experience and watching (albeit from a distance) changed my life, maybe even (in some ways, not to sound dramatic) saved mine.

Because of her I did things this year, that I never ever would have. I took some (GIANT) steps of faith. And in so doing, have lead to doors in my family being opened.

Leaving church, stepping away, taking a break...Best move I ever made.

It was scary. It was a little embarrassing...But it was what I had to do and I'm so proud of myself.

I have mentioned in other posts that Hubs and I had made the decision to leave church for a time. It has been amazing. It has been such a blessing to pursue relationship, not religion.

I wish I could thank Sarah, maybe some day I will get to. I need to get Friendly down to bed....

Processing Sleep...Boundaries...And Other Things

2011-08-05T17:28:00.001-04:00

I need to process THIS POST from over at Demand Euphoria

I like her blog. I try to "tune in" when I get a chance...She's got some challenging thoughts and ideas, and I like to think outside the box.

Some of the things she talked about we do because that's what our instincts dictate.

While I agree with her on media (more in a moment) and food...And a few other unschooly-ideas I don't really jive with the idea of "radical" unschooling. There are few things (actually only One) in life I am willing to be radical in.

That really isn't what this post is about. I wanted to process some of my parenting philosophy. She has her family, and they are called to do what their conscience rules. And I bet you, a lot of things that they are finding at this point in their journey will be different in 5 years...We are always learning, growing and changing...And I respect the journey her family is on.

This is about MY family. And any comparisons I make between hers and mine... Are mainly just my processing...

With that said...FOOD
We are very similar in our food habits. We make sure we keep healthy stuff in the house...If our kids want "cookies" for breakfast, there is nothing in those cookies that'll hurt them (and yet, they are yuuuumy!). If they don't want to eat dinner when we're eating dinner, they're plate will wait (or they can choose from our limited pantry options: oatmeal, yogurt, or fruit).
We don't keep junk around the house (for financial as well as health reasons). Hubs and I, having been raised in homes where hot and horrible battles were drawn at meal times, aren't going there. EVER.
Our beautiful children are both growing well, and we have good and yummy supplements (which we make available to them- and they enjoy taking).

Bottom line, they won't die if they live on apples and oatmeal cookies for a few days... Or raisins and cheese on others...Or like today: popcorn was our main staple. :0.

The thing I struggle with is her ideas on sleep. If it works for her family, that's awesome. But I (and even most "crunchy" pediatricians would agree with me) really think young children need routine and boundaries...Hold on here, hear me out.

The first year of my baby's life I let them sleep however they like (though we keep night time dark and I try to keep time when they are asleep during the day restful and nap-ish)...Some time around the second half of the first year...Or into the second year of life, they start to find a little rhythm to their sleep. I respect that rhythm and make sure they get rest at that time of day (even if it still changes quite often)...As they drop naps I shift expectations and times around so that they are getting sleep when they are tired. At some point I can usually pinpoint a specific "time" of day that will be nap time... Eventually that "time" is officially "Nap Time"

Some times they go through stages of not wanting to nap. It's part of being a toddler/preschooler: how much power do I have? Where do the boundary lines fall? Do I really need this? They are always experimenting! Most of the time they discover this via natural consequences,

I run where I was told it was only safe to walk, I fell and scraped my knee.

I rock the rocking chair really hard it falls backwards and I hit my head.

I don't use the potty I have messy clothes.

Some times it's inforced by us as the parent.

I scream inside, I get placed in my room and told to scream there. (screaming isn't okay inside).

I hurt a family member I need to take some space until I am either in a better mood, or can control my body. It's okay to take space. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be angry...I take space.

I believe parents DO have a job. The idea of unparenting is, in my humble opinion, extreme. Parents job as I see it? 1) to keep their children safe. 2) to set them up for success (and have reasonable/fair expectations) and 3) to respectfully hold boundaries that are in place for the health of the whole family.

I don't expect a newborn, or even and infant to be regularly be asleep by midnight...I don't expect that they won't wake up at 2am and for who knows what reason, be awake for a few hours. But by the time they are a toddler I expect that their brain will have matured to the point where sleep will have fallen into some pattern...And I work life and schedule in such a way that those sleepy times are respected and nurtured. Even (or especially) when those times are not convenient to me.

My kids are naturally early risers...My whole family was growing up: perhaps it's genetic? But because they like to be up by 6 every morning that means they are getting tired and needing rest by noon at the latest every day. This isn't convenient to me. But I prefer my children still nap (I feel even if I could get them to sleep later [and believe me I've tried] they still need nap)Most morning playdates or meetings don't start until 10:30 or 11. Which means about an hour in my kids are wearing out. It usually means one or both of them are melting down or screaming by the time we leave those things. It some times means that some weeks (when we've been having a bad week) we don't do morning things.

But I respect their natural sleep cycles...down with the sun, up with the sun: and rest at mid day. That's what they've done on their own...And while I could maybe (and have attempted at different points) move things around with some work, it always falls back to this rhythm.

That said. As the adult, I also have an understanding of child development. I understand that they will see and experiment with every thing. Including how long they can stay up. How much control over their lives they have. And I want them to feel that they have choices, control, options and freedom. But I also, as the adult, am responsible for the health and tone of the whole family. And I know that we will all pay -as a family- if they skip naps. Also, I know as Mama at this point in my life, I need those nap times...I'm growing a baby and I need that quiet mid day to rest (and I usually sleep too). This means I have to be really strict about enforcing rest times.
Can I force them to sleep? No. But I do know they need it. I am a lot older and wiser, and the on who has to ~~put up with~~ be around their napless selves. So they will lay in their beds and rest at "nap time". I don't tell them how they should act, I don't shame or punish. But sleep or no sleep they stay in that room and rest.

So far? They always fall asleep, even if it's just for 30 minutes.

Our family needs that rhythm and order to our days. Toddlers and preschoolers brains are developing in such a way where they literally thrive on order...They love to look for it, find it, or create it in almost every thing they do. Even from as early as 18mos they like to know "what comes next" ever day. Friendly, not quite 2 knows when it's nap time and starts talking about what we'll do before we go to sleep. When it comes to sleep, we are willing to stay with our littles, they aren't forced to be in isolation..Be it nap time or bedtime they have choices and we'll be with them.But the boundary is: night is for sleep. I start telling them that at 6mos old (while I nurse, pat and comfort and hold the boundary by keeping it dark and quiet).

SShhhh sweet baby, night is for sleep...shhhsh.

I really and maybe it's my type-A-ness coming out. But I couldn't personally function if my child was allowed to nap 4-7pm and then up until 2 or 3 a.m. I don't think (and a lot of sleep research would back me up) wonky sleep rhythms are healthy for anyone. And as the parent I couldn't let my young preschooler or toddler alone roaming the house (not saying DE does this!) in the middle of the night: which would mean *I* (or my dear hubs) would have to be up supervising. We have responsibilities during the day, and while we're more than willing to be up at night with a sick or scared child... We are NOT willing to pander to their every whim. We will gladly let them make choices (it's time for bed, what do you want to do first brush your teeth? or use the potty? or What do you want take with you for the night?)...and even some times negotiate (yes, you may watch one more short video if you're not tired enough yet...But after this it is bed time.)

If our kids nap at 5pm we know the "awake all night" scenerio is on the table...At the very least, up until 11pm which is just not okay for us. Because they'll be up at 6a.m. regardless of their bedtime...up at 6a.m. and miserably grouchy all morning long.
So we keep them awake if they are acting tired at 4pm. We keep the early evening calm and comfortable as possible and put them down as soon as we feel safe they will sleep well (or decently) at night (6ish pm). But honestly? This doesn't happen because we consistently [at roughly the same time every day] make sure we are making time and space for them to get rest. Even if that means missing out on a trip or showing up late to an afternoon at the park or pool. It's a season, missing fun sucks...But for the sake and sanity and healthy tone for *our* family we have those boundaries in place.

This is some thing I've struggled with recently. Every family is different, but it feels like I have the only early risers in my circle of friends. The only kids who have to nap at noon sharp or all co-operation and safety (if we're out and they are acting punch drunk from being ready for nap) are hanging by a thread. It's been hard to come late, or miss out entirely because my kids were up at 5:30 and had a rough morning and I know heading out at 10:30 is just going to be met with and ugly (and so not worth it) tantrum or other craziness by 11.

Setting your kids up for success isn't about controlling them, or making sure every scenario will go perfectly. But it is about making sure they can behave appropriately for the setting (we don't go to the library right after nap when they have lots of energy), have fun, and stay safe (we don't go to a park or playground when they are getting tired and tend to be less coordinated or don't "stay close" [aka run away] and follow the park rules).

While I very much agree with her about screen time/media exposure.. Just this afternoon my kids were in their bedroom jumping off the trampoline onto the "pillow mountains" and then running back into the living room later to watch "their favorite part" of "Nemo". If I feel they are watching "too much" TV, I offer other activities...But if they're having a down day, or really prefer TV to some thing else (so rare) than so be it. I strongly believe in really almost every thing thing kids will self-regulate...But I do offer boundaries and other options when I feel that they are necessary. That's my job as their parent.

My kids are expected to bathe when they get stinky...It's the same for brushing teeth. I want my children to learn to listen and recognize what they need, to learn and discover things that interest them. But I also want them to learn that there whether we like it or not: there are outside forces and unfortunately cultural expectations that they will have to comply with. And if they can't comply, I help them, protect them, and set them up for success until they can.

We all have to do things in life that we don't like. I believe it's good for them to deal with disappointments, and occasionally do things that aren't what they would choose to do. I don't dictate how they should behave or feel when I know they are struggling with a situation. They don't have to like it, but that doesn't change the fact that whatever is at hand, has to be done. I feel that (some times) exposing them to things that they don't choose, teaches a different kind of self-knowledge...Character.

I want this for my children. I also want to raise adults who can hear what their instincts and conscience are calling them too...Adults who have a strong sense of right and wrong and His Voice. Adults who can do the right thing even when it doesn't feel good (though they do it because they know deep in side they must, not out of shame or guilt, but love). Adults who are aware that they always have a choice.

That said, with all things, balance.

All things balance...

Little Updates...School and Weaning

2011-08-01T17:51:00.000-04:00

"School" has been so much fun!!! I've been loving the time reading to the girls, the focus to the mornings it gives us (they look forward to it so much!), and the the fact that the consistent routine (and their pestering to start chores so we can get to school!) has been really good for every one.

We're a couple days behind... Friday we took a "field trip" to Amish country and missed nap and had a very long busy day. Saturday we went to the duck pond and on a "nature hike" (aka a walk around the park), and in the evening went and spent time with extended family. And Sunday Hubs and I went to a beautiful wedding and the girls spend the day with Nana (Roo discovered the "slip'nslide" at Nana's church picnic. She is a huuuge fan. She went down that thing all day).

Today was a day I have spent parenting from bed. I am behind on my cleaning, and we're a couple chapters "behind" in our reading...But that's really okay, I needed today. Today to snuggle in bed with the kids, who periodically came in to snuggle with me- (can I just say I love living all on one floor: I can see into the LR from my bed and it's only a few steps to check on them) and watching Gilmore Girls to my hearts content. Only getting up to help both girls use the potty and prepare occasional snacks for them.

Oh did I mention the potty? Yes...Friendly (who will be 2 in a week from today) decided about a month ago she was done with diapers. I wasn't ready for this step, but she refused to keep them on and I got sick of it. She's picked it up really really well! She is down to mostly-accident free days and diaper free for nap time (no accidents in a few weeks on that front- fingers crossed!) and most mornings she wakes up and her first words are "I need to go potty!" and she runs off and takes care of it.

Weaning... Bittersweet as this process has been. It's also been so laid back. While I'm pretty sure my milk is completely gone (I can't express any thing which usually I can even get a little colostrum: nothing comes!) she is still occasionally nursing...She talks about "Mommie's Milk" a lot and about my "bweasts" ...She also almost immediately shifts from talking about my milk to kissing and loving on my belly. She's been talking about the new baby a lot. Some gears are definitely turning on that front.

I hate to wish the summer months away, but I'm so ready to hold this new little person inside. I'm so excited! While I actually am enjoying this pregnancy so much more than I ever have before... Every movement from the baby just makes my heart ache to hold this sweet Newby in my arms.

And I have a little almost 2 year old sitting next to me saying "I wantchu, hold me, I'm here" so off I go to snuggle my Friendly girl...Less nursing has definitely meant a much higher need for snuggling!

How It Happens...

2011-07-26T21:24:00.000-04:00

This is going to get sappy, just to warn you...

Friendly didn't nurse today. It was the first time in her whole life to go a whole 24 hours with out nursing. I'm sure (very likely...but maybe not) she'll nurse again. Maybe tomorrow at nap...Or a few nights from now she'll just really need it. But the end of this season in our lives together is coming to a close.

I had a good hearty cry tonight while I was putting her to sleep... She had cuddled up with my breast ready to latch on and then said, "No, not now." and rolled onto her belly and asked for the blankets to be put on her.
In the first instant I was a little relieved. Nursing while pregnant is really is hard for me. After the first trimester it hurts horribly. I nursed 38 weeks of my last pregnancy, and the thought of doing that again wasn't exactly on my wish list. So when she rolled away, so did I settling into my spot on her bed. I snuggled her into the covers and started to pat her bum and sing to her, as I have as our last bedtime-step all her life (she's always loved having her bum patted, ever since her first day on earth).
I sang her favorite bedtime song....She asks for it specifically if I don't sing it.

Today was so full and so busy for both of us
But for tonight, all those burdens can keep
Come, let sweet Jesus be the light in your darkness
And open the door to a paradise of sleep

For he grants sleep to the ones that he loves
And I live to love you as well
The last words you'll hear tonight will be, "I love you,"
For love we've been given a lifetime to tell

Your tender sadness, it touches the heart of me
Howling and scowling just make you more dear
With all this commotion, now, what could the trouble be?
For love's sake, my darling, I'll always be here

For he grants sleep to the ones that he loves
And I live to love you as well
The last words you'll hear tonight will be, "I love you,"
For love takes us all of a lifetime to tell
(-Michael Card)

But after the first verse my voice broke. All I could do was pat her bum and think of the day she was born...

I feel like her birth was just yesterday....wasn't it??? It was a perfect day. August in Pennsylvania isn't exactly known for it's cool and breezy weather. Try insufferably (for a preggo Mama) muggy and often our hottest month...August in this fine state, finds us enjoying tempatures in the 90's and humidity is usually over 50%.

But that August 8th day, was cool and oh so breezy. It was delicious. When I envisioned her birth day the whole pregnancy, that was the weather I saw. The ancient sycamore trees on our street were singing calm summer songs, and the wind encouraged me along. And we walked...

or in my case, lumbered. :)

And walked some more...

And eventually...After much soul searching, tears, and a lot of work, she was born.


sweet Friendly.


And she nursed...Like a champ: this is a few hours after she was born:...One of our first real nursing sessions.

Sister love...

Nursing on the go in the capitol: 4ms old

After enjoying some yummy milk. 4mos

Nursing at a friends house in VA...9mos old

Her hand on my breast, ready for her first swim: 9mos old.

First trip to the beach after nursing in the sling and being lulled to sleep by the sound of the ocean.

As she's grown...

My little Calf at "Cow Appreciation Day" a couple weeks ago

She dresses herself ("What? Daddy's socks and pink croc's not a fashion statement? I did it myself!")

A classic face of my sweet goob.

She's not going to be my baby much longer...

Okay moment of extreme nostalgia and Mommy Blues... DONE...Or at least processed.

July...And The School Year Begins??

2011-07-24T20:40:00.000-04:00

I'm 15 weeks pregnant and starting to feel much more human. While some evenings are bad, things are getting better, and our days desperately need some serious structure.

Enter, homeschooling. Yes, we're diving in. Sort of. Roo is only 3.5 and Friendly is not-quite 2 so my plan is: small.

My Aunt (amazingly) gave us the Pre-K/Kindergarten through 2nd+ grades of Sonlight Curriculum including most of the read aloud books. She and her girls really enjoyed using it. When Roo was 1 she was getting rid of it and asked me if I wanted it. I've been storing it ever since. I am most excited about this because this stuff will easily carry us through reading/history/science until the girls are 8 or 9 years old. I have an unschooly-take-it-as-it-comes attitude about education and looking through all the materials I realized this stuff can be stretched, cycled through, and enjoyed for several years to come...Especially with some creative supplementation here and there.

This year we will very loosely be following the 5-day reading recommendations. My goal is to focus on lots of reading, and that's it. We'll start the day off with

"Morning time" (AKA, watch TV or play and let Mommie drink her tea in peace). Move onto...
Chores (by 9a.m.) and I have a new schedule for that which Hubs agrees will be really doable for us (he'll help where I can't quite keep up, though it shouldn't be a big deal if I'm at it every day). Then...
"School Time" which means we'll be coloring or painting "the letter of the day" and practicing the sound it makes (working through the alphabet). We'll also learn the Sonlight Bible verse (which you sing and it has a Verse A-Z over the 36 weeks)...
"Table Time" which means they get to play with playdoh or some other sensory thing for as long as they like...I'll potentially be reading out loud from the read aloud book of the week(s). When the weather cools off read aloud time will most likely happen outside at a park where it's safe for them to roam a bit and pick up tid bits here and there.
"Play Time" will happen whenever they get tired (or get messy) with whatever is happening at the table... Basically this will mean: play, I'll play with you but no TV. Ideally, I'd love for them to keep playing around while I get to read out loud...But they'll probably want to do some thing more physical and that won't happen. We'll probably head outside on cool/warm enough days.
Lunch: I'd like for reading (if we feel like it) to happen here, but usually we put on a 20 min DVD for this and "when the shows over it's nap time"...And that's worked well for our nap-time routine.
Nap

This is very similar to our daily routine any way, so it's not going to be all that earth shattering...We just have new books to enjoy, and more incentive for me to be a bit more intentional and less willy-nilly about our daily activities.

Also, once a month I'd like to take them on a "field trip" in the afternoons: This fall I'd like to visit:

a farm
post office
the fair
the farmers market (and really let them explore)
pumpkin patch (and hay ride)
and nature hike
I'd love to do a fire house (we live near one and both girls are very curious about it) but I'm not sure how we'd work that out.

So really our "homeschooling" will be basically: intentional and focused enjoyment of lots of books. When Roo starts taking a real interest in shapes (she recognizes a few), numbers (some thing she really could care less about right now), and writing we'll add those things in as well...I have some workbooks and she enjoys circling the "B" and tracing the letters...But I only plan to get those out if she specifically requests them...Right now I just want it to be about being more intentional about being together, and learning to love reading things together.

Wish us luck...Tomorrow we dive in! I'm hoping the "schedule" of "school" will give the girls some thing to look forward to and help me accomplish things every day in a bit more of an organized fashion. I can dream, right?

The Seven Stages Of Motherhood

2011-07-24T14:36:00.001-04:00

I recently read this book by Ann Pleshette Murphy.

I loved her brutal honesty. I really loved her take on the first two stages of Motherhood. I think every woman should read that section of the book in the first year of their baby's life. It will validate your heart out. I almost wish I had read it before Roo was born. But I can't decide, I think it might have scared me...a lot.

But then she hit school age stuff. I don't think I couldn't relate, and not just because I don't have a school age child (yet). I think I couldn't relate because I feel like I have such different priorities for that coming season of my life.

I was strongly impressed with a lot of regret seeping out of the pages of the book. She mentioned guilt a lot, constant guilt. She had a highly demanding job and she only got a couple of hours a week with her children most of their growing up years. She pointed out herself that those were the choices she made, and at the time she felt they were right...And looking back there wasn't much she would have changed. In the end, when our children are grown, we will all have some regrets. That's fine. But what really bothered me was Murphy's emphasis on how important it is to nurture yourself. To cultivate your own interests. Not to lose yourself to Motherhood. She said her way of doing that was to go back to work. And that really seemed like the be-all-end-all for her. She also mentioned hobbies, and volunteer work as being some thing that other Mom's pick up to "retain a part of themselves" [not a quote just the gist of the attitude].

And I think that's ...bad advice.

Why? I think because of what followed in the School Age Years... There was a strong undercurent of guilt, and stress woven through the reflections she (and other Mom's) shared about that stage. It left me feeling tired just reading about it. And all I kept thinking was, why?? Why are you choosing this for your families? Why are you volunteering and working and schlepping? Is your family really happy? What motive is pushing this? Is it really truly leaving you fulfilled?

We can't do it all...

After reading this section I took away from it a new determination. My children and family will not have that as the main tone of that (or any) stage. I realized that I need to decide what we can do well, and what we can't. I realized even more clearly that I want some thing different for my family. Our whole life the past year has been about really looking at what we do and why. Is it some thing we're really called to do? Or is it just busyness trying to cover our own insecurities? Trying to fill an emptiness? I want my children to enjoy new experiences. But at a young age they won't die with out all the extra activities. If they want to do ONE special thing a year (and by year I mean try some thing one semester per year) we'll strongly consider taking that on. But not if it is hurting or harrying the tone of our entire family. They'll be time for longer more intense commitments when they reach highschool ages. But still, not if it's a stress to the family as a whole.

I disagree with Murhpy's advice.. Motherhood does change every thing about our lives. And it's okay, actually it's crucial, that we re-evaluate (on a regular basis) where we're headed and what is needed. It doesn't mean some core aspects can change because Motherhood has arrived. Some times a return to work is what is needed (or most desirable) for a family's peace and happiness. But just because we loved and poured our hearts and energies into some thing before our children arrived, doesn't mean we must continue to do it afterwards so that we don't "lose ourselves". The fact of the matter is that our children make us different people. They have more power to motivate the shape we take, than any other person ever has had before...Even our own parents.

Seasons...

I think what bothered me most was that she didn't address "seasons" at all. That parenting a baby is going to require more of us. Than it will when they are say, 5. And when they are 10? It'll be a different level of investment...Maybe more intense some months than others. But it's always an investment. It's always worth it.

I want to scrap this whole post because I'm really struggling to articulate every thing on my heart. But I'm going to keep going in the hopes some thing in here will strike a cord with some one.

Bottom line, some times in life you have to invest more of yourself than others. We can't live our lives for our kids. But we can live our lives in the present and change with them. We won't have as much time to invest in ourselves at certain points, but that's part of Motherhood. It's giving with out (any or) immediate return. Does that mean we have no personal interests? Absolutely not. I still love to sew, I learned to sew because of Roo...I just don't have as much time for it trying to parent 2 (and soon to be 3) young children. I also love to read. I am averaging a couple books a year since I had kids. Have I lost a part of myself? No. I have just decided to defer at this season of my life.

In conclusion...

What I took away from the book (and what I doubt was Murphy's point) was that I don't want to look back with regret. I don't want to blink and realize my kids are leaving home. I personally don't want my children spending 85% of their childhood away from me (be it because I am working or because they are in a traditional school setting). I know I'll make my mistakes. But I want to be vigilant. I want to consistently re-evaluate where I'm at as a person and a parent. I want to make decisions that my conscience ruled on, not my perceptions of what's best...But my gut instinct.

And most importantly, I want to enjoy each stage my children are at. I'm glad I read this book. I have been struggling with my decision to stay home. There have been some weeks I've been seriously running the numbers of what it would take to swing childcare and get a full-time job. It is hard to be the sun and moon to two small children 60 hours a week. It's hard raising children in our isolated society. To feel alone and have very little physical and practical support.

So I've been evaluating and trying to decide where I can nurture myself while nurturing my children. Some days it's impossible, I have to suck it up and pray tomorrow is better. But part of my nurturing myself goes a long with a lot of the other things I've been learning about (and this).

And with that I'll post and hope that some of this jarble will make sense.

Homebirth...Why I Am Going to Do it Again...

2011-07-23T14:37:00.000-04:00

*sensitive things shared in this post read with caution*

I have been REALLY torn about my decision to home birth again. My experience with Friendly was all-in-all WONDERFUL. The best part being immediately following the birth, crawling into my own bed and snuggling to sleep. But. I had a friend who lost a baby in January after a transfer to hospital during a home birth. Baby was 150% FINE, doing WONDERFUL. The baby's death had nothing to do with where Mama labored (and pushed and pushed). It had every thing to do with the fact that she got a crappy on-call OB who didn't know what he was doing and sliced up so many things besides her uterus (including the baby's cord before delivery!) that she was in the OR for 8 hours. And her baby died from brain damage and other complications (due, it is believed, to having the cord cut before birth). What breaks my heart even more, is that the Mama HAD great back up care...But they dropped her a month before she was due when they found out she was hoping to homebirth.

I was scared to home birth again, not because home birth is dangerous. But because of what a prejudice or just plain bad OB can do to you if you transfer in. With out back up care, it's a gamble.

But yet, my heart is drawn to birth at home again. I still feel - with good back up care if needed- it is the safest place to birth. And I will have back up care this time. But that's all for another post.

This POST from MAMA BIRTH confirmed to me even more why I want to home birth again.

This is taken from the comment I shared on that post:

Roo a very few minutes old

I couldn't read the entire post...I got to them taking your baby "real quick" and had to stop. I had an unexpected (and mostly unnecessary) cesarean with my first born. The most traumatic part of her birth (well besides the 30 minutes I had to lay completely alone strapped to a table while they prepped me)...The very most traumatic part was listening to her scream. And not getting to touch her or hold her until she was a few hours old.

And then when she was less than 12 hours old they took her "real quick" and DH and I both passed out (I was doped, he had helped me labor for 2 days)...we woke up THREE hours later completely panicked (and she hadn't nursed in 4)...DH raced to find her...He found her in the corner of a hallway of the nursery SCREAMING (hungry and scared) and the nurse said "oh that's okay she's next for her bath". I am heartbroken when I think of that.

Conveyor belt care

Her Birth was Conveyor Belt:
jerk out of the womb, roughly suctioned (caused nursing issues), cord cut, foot prints, BAM, diaper, hat, bam bam, swaddled and brought over to see me. I cry when I see the picture of her laying cold and alone in the OR's hard metal scale being weighted. Her face looks SO miserable.

I think I was able to kiss her cheek, but my arms were strapped down and I couldn't touch her.

Getting to hold my baby for the first time...She was nearly 2 hours old.

After our traumatic separation...Finally getting some real cuddles.

My next baby was born at home. I pulled her right up to my breasts...

The moment I live for all 9mos.

she was in the arms of loving family (familiar voices, loving hearts) shortly after birth while I showered and rested (I was so weak I was scared I'd drop her and I just wanted to LOOK at her). She was grinning at every one (really newborn SMILING!) and would look to find me and smile (DH was holding her real close) ...She was carefully checked, weighted, washed (we did it right away because she had no vernix and it was late at night, I didn't want to sleep with a bloody baby.) and gently dressed for the first time.

Grinning at every one.

Getting weighed, in a sweet cuddly sling scale.

This baby will be born at home (if all goes well) and I again look forward to those magic hours after birth. Those hours you never get back, where baby is snuggled and loved and we curl up and sleep together in the comfort of our own bed.

Friendly will be two years old on August 8th... I can't believe it's been 2 years since those magical, healing hours.

It's Never Going To Be Perfect..

2011-07-23T13:19:00.001-04:00

So I'll just spit this out.

I have a weird pregnancy symptom. Aversion to the computer. Yup, really shocking. But I really have a hard time being on here. My brain is too busy processing all the changes ahead.

All the changes happening now.

But you know what? I'm really proud of myself. I've been looking back at regrets, or things that feel like regrets. At choices and decisions I'm making now. And I feel like I'm finally "getting it". I'm finally doing what my conscience tells me to do with out worrying how it makes me look. Who will judge. Who will scratch their head and say "she's LOST it" or "that just doesn't make logical sense" (though I can't say, I'm known for that!).I'm just sticking to my guns.

I've been looking at values. At simplicity. At what I need. And right now? I need space, space from people, commitments, and (even) things that feel like commitments. I'm sure it may seem like I'm pushing people away. Some times I feel like that's how it is. But I need this time. I haven't even really been getting on facebook or message boards because it just feels too busy...too full of people.

My brain and heart are busy asking a lot of questions about my life. I'm realizing Roo is going to be 4 "soon" and Friendly is 2 in a couple weeks. Life is zipping by. It seriously takes my breath away.

Questions running through my mind are, where do I go from here?

I've been struggling with being home with the kids. I did choose this, right? I have been battling and butting against aspects of this. This wasn't what I signed up for feelings.

But it is, I just didn't realize it.

Per my recent long post, I've been trying to look at myself first. It's really helped. Sort of, I realize I have a lot of anger (duh!). I'll step back from a stupid situation I'm in with one of the kids and realize I'm SEETHING. I'm enraged. I'm about to LOSE it. Why? Well pregnancy hormones + 2 selfish-self-centered-in-constant-need/want-babies = OBVIOUSLY!

But it's not just that.

I have a lot of false expectations. SO MANY unreasonable expectations. I need to shed. It's really really hard.

I am very goal oriented. I love nothing more than quickly completing a task.

That NEVER happens when you have two small children "helping" (or even just THERE).

And they don't go away. They rarely watch TV nicely while I quickly "get some thing done"...Friendly in particular could care less about the TV unless I'm snuggled up with her watching it too (and her favorite Elmo DVD's AHHH! hate him).

Bottom line, I suppress and stuff my feelings on a constant basis during the day. I suppress my frustration and try to patiently redirect and break up fights (I'm not even going to bother trying to sound all parenting-esq...it's not a dispute: its' a freakin fight!)...I can't even pee (and I pee many times a day right now!) with out some one getting into some thing. It's constant. It never stops. Ever.

And the constant work involved. Nothing ever stays "done". Last weekend I had a bit of energy so I was picking up the livingroom. In 15minutes of cleaning up, I picked up same stinken toy FIVE times before I threw it on the floor crying, stamped to my bedroom and cried stormily..."Over a toy."

Why couldn't I just leave it there?

Because I'm tired of my house looking like a hurricane hit. And this is despite how carefully I have organized the toys, in separate categorized and labeled boxes. It still is always strewn with baby blankets, random balls, clothing they shed, toys that aren't even toys (kitchen utensils) everywhere, all the time.

That toy I picked up 5 times? It wasn't even a favorite! They barely played with it for the 3 days before! It's not some prized possession.

I know, I know...Let it go. Accept... validate the frustration...problem solve.
I won't even go into what is currently all over the place right now (beans, black beans [dry]...ALLLLL over my house).

This is what I've been thinking about...And so much more.

More to come, I have a lot of beans to spill
(har har).

Why?

2011-07-21T18:53:00.000-04:00

Why is it, that when I have the most to say- I have the littlest amount of time and energy to DO it?

I've been doing some reading... A BOOK REVIEW (AAAH!) and ponderings to come soon...really!

Maybe tomorrow...maybe tonight...Probably this weekend.

Parenting Breakthrough...No, REALLY!

2011-07-03T17:03:00.002-04:00

I shared this on GCM..But need to share it here...And I copied it over and all the little emoticons were added...Cool...Hope that's okay. :)

So first off: Hubby is incredible! It's just been one of those times in life, where things just kinda avalanched together. And God has shown us both SO much because of it. Hubby has been working 6 days a week, and since I've been so sick building a baby, he has come home cooked his own, as well as our daughters dinners...On top of that he is mostly primary parent to them until they go to bed at night. He does this faithfully and with out grudge or complaint (mostly :) ). He also gets up with them most mornings, and gets every one breakfast...And many mornings even cooking me some thing separate if I couldn't/can't stomach what he was making the girls (oat meal). He is a rock star, through and through. And I wouldn't have survived the last few months if it weren't for his unfailing love and support.

So onto what I hared else where...
I have been pulling my hair out and going going CRAZY the past 2 months. It has been one of the hardest 2 months EVER.

pregnant. sick. exhausted. summer heat. no money. no car (except 2 some times 3 days a week). DH working 6 day a week and doing ministries on Sunday and visiting a dying friend in the nursing home another time every week. Oh and finishing up his semester of school in the month of May. A teething toddler in disequilibrium. A 3.5 year old being OH so 3.5. Insert head banging into wall. crazy making.

I realized after a 1 hour meltdown 2 nights ago over "a bad week". I still stuff my feelings. big time. Some of it, i think, is for survival. I couldn't think about how hard every thing was. I couldn't look at myself or I would lose it. But it is so counterproductive!! And when I finally did look at every thing I was crying so hard I nearly hyperventilated (really great for a preggo ).

This morning it was rainy (I love rainy Sundays)...I decided I had some thinking to do so I curled up with my journal and Jesus and started asking question. How can I get the girls to stop hurting each other? It's driving me crazy. How can I calm down? I feel so irritated out my mind 95% of the day lately- how can I react the way I *want* to. How can I be a better parent, I have been UGLY lately. I feel bad for my kids.

You know what He told me? (and this floored me!)

STOP FOCUSING ON THEM.

Pretty much He said, when I'm focusing on them I'm anxious and angry. I worry about the future. Will they be total screw ups? Will we be "that" family with the wild crazy kids who know no limits.

He said, STOP FOCUSING ON THEM. FOCUS ON YOU.

I'll copy what I wrote in my journal. TALK IT OUT. Say it OUT LOUD. " I hate this. it worries me. it hurts to see them hurt each other. I feel really angry about it. How can I help this situation?"
You're not a selfish parent to think about YOU first. You'll only be in control of how you respond when you focus on YOURSELF FIRST. You can't change them. You can only help yourself through what they're throwing at you.

Name it. Validate it. and Problem solve.

I read on here a while back about a mantra "love is patient love is kind" I loved that idea! But it wasn't working for me. ERGH!! And I realized, for *me* it was just another way to stuff my feelings. It was just slapping some thing on the outside to change the inside. Doesn't work. I was still worrying about how my kids perceived me. Not the TRUTH about what was really going on inside.

Be TRUE. Focus on YOURSELF.

I have read this on GCM. I've read parenting articles, and several parenting books that address this very thing. But it never made sense. there was no heart conviction, I guess.
I'll let you know how it goes. I am hopeful that it will help some ways I've been responding (less than graciously, ehem) with Hubby lately too.

Other things I'm really excited about... Big things! We left our church last week. We decided over a month ago and felt that Hubs needed to finish out some commitments there if they wanted him to. We left on good terms, and will miss the people there. But it was time. We're just going to have time together as a family for a while and see what God does. We have a heart for wounded people. For people who have been alieantated by "church". We (at this point) feel that we will be staying completely out of the mainstream church. We'd love to see a community built up that is just other people who love Jesus and want to follow Him with out the fluff and politics. We have been greatly inspired by the ideas behind the Fellowship of Friends and the Anabaptists. We want our life to be simply following Jesus...Even when it looks weird. We also love the idea of non-violence and equality in Christ. No one has titles, people who naturally lead taking leadership where they feel called to... Oh but that's for another post.

Other things that have happened... (sadly) Hub's friend passed away last week...So that stress is lifted, (though sadness replaced it). And most excitedly, God has made it clear Hubs iss DONE with school. He's not going back next semester. I can't say how much peace I have about that right now. But most excitingly, for the first time in our marriage, we're actually on the same page spiritually; God has been giving us such a unity of conviction of what our next step will be.

As the USA celebrates it's independence...Our little family unit is celebrating ours as well. It's independence weekend and though things aren't easy, we're FREE! On so many levels...Seriously the most free our family has ever been. We're not dependent on family...We're not hooked into a church. we're free to walk in our convictions and move forward in whatever Jesus is doing and calling us to. Jesus has been doing so much. God has FINALLY shown all the things He's been brewing and working on behind the scenes the past 6 years. Is life perfect? Ha far from it. But we feel secure in the steps He has had us walk in. And in the knowledge that He truly has been guiding and directing. It's een a weird road...It's hard to leave every thing familiar... To be the odd balls out... But we've embraced it, and we're just going to take what comes.